I ve been friends for long with this guy,he first wanted a relationship i didn t so we just stayed friends.I can say that i frendzoned him because i didn t wanted a relationship because i was scared even though i liked him too. But he was always telling me how he likes me,how he wants ME to be his girlfriend, everytime he saw me with my other friends he came to hug me and say hello. A year passed we we hung out every once in a while and my feelings for him started to grow. The last time we were out with mutual friends he was chasing another girl but stil told me that if i was his girlfriend that we would have a long relationship.Thanks god that girl didn t wanted him.So i decided to make a move so when we were alone i kissed him. He was so suprised that he couldnt speak. Then we walked trough the street we kissed again and he went home. Then the weird things began to happen.He didnt call me for days so i wrote him a message, he replied that he was busy but he will find time for me. Later that week i recieved a phone call,he was standing in front of my house and asked if i could come out. It was midnight but i came out.He just said that he was so happy and came to kiss me.I know i shouldnt have kissed him but i coludnt help myself… After that i havent seen him for weeks. He didn t sent messages, he didn t call me. We haven t seen each other for 1 month… After that i saw him on the street again.He was soo weird he just came to me,kissed me on the cheecks and asked what s up? He was acting like nothing ever happened between us! He walked away and i was just so dissapointed.Today are two months and he still isn t calling. I just don t understand anything… I know that he doesn t like another girl… He started to always go out with his buddies. My head tells me that i sould ignore him but my heart tells me that i should confront him and ask what is happening? At least to save our friendship if he doesen t want a relationship.
You caught me. My first reading of your question definitely had me stumped. I wasn’t sure what was going on inside his head… that is until I stepped back and remembered what “Why Do Guys?” is about.
So I imagined myself being this guy and was showing off how much he liked a girl named “Stephanie.”
Then I imagined my many years in the friends zone, what it did to me and unfortunately, what it did to my “perception” of some of the women who put me there.
Quite honestly – You became something more. A Little beyond real. As the stories in my head grew, as I failed with other women, as each new hangout came and went, having you as my girlfriend actually started to become second on my list.
Suddenly I found myself locked in a sexual affair which obviously only existed in my head.
Which really meant my goals had changed. The girlfriend thing went out the window as I explored other options making “fooling around” a more important goal.
You see being “stuck in the friends zone” for a while changes a guy and how he relates to his friend. (In more ways than I can mention today.)
The change is not always the same. Sometimes he gets more obsessed and depressed. More secluded and distant. Rarely we hill just accept it and move on unless he’s extremely good with women.
I’d say this change happens mostly to protect us from the pain. We find our own way to get past it all depending on our past relationships or lack there of. (As a rule men act mainly act based on their entire past experiences with the opposite sex not excluding any.)
Let’s just get straight to it now…
My best guess, right or wrong, good or bad, or anything in between:
He’s protecting himself from getting hurt BUT at the same time he’s looking for more than just a kiss.
He’s questioning, now that there’s a possibility of a relationship, if he actually wanted it in the first place. Mostly because you, somewhere along the line, became something else like I mentioned above.
When you made that first move he’s expecting YOU to do it again and again. Whether it’s to prove to him how you really feel or because he’s not confident enough is beyond my scope.
So, in the case you didn’t reach out to him enough you could expect a pull back. I’m not sure how often you tried to contact him but if you didn’t try “just enough” you can expect him to act like, “nothing ever happened” because he’s assuming you’re not into it as much as he said he was.
I understand it all seems so complicated because it kind of is. The “friends zone” for guys is a very deep dark place and when a guy feels trapped into that position will often act according to how any person, man or woman, defends themselves emotionally and physically.
In his case, (the bad) he could’ve been using this “friendship” tactic to get more from you than a girlfriend. This is where a guy will pretend he wants you as a girlfriend. He’ll even put you on a pedestal in front of other women and/or try to make you jealous any way he can.
Although it’s rare it does happen and when it’s done right, unfortunately can work rather well.
I’m going to leave you to decide what his real intentions were based on the information I shared. You know him better than I do.
On the other side – My best advice for you is to learn how to separate casual things with guys from a relationship.
You mentioned how you got scared and so you “friends-zoned” him. To me this means you jump from “knowing a guy” and feeling attracted to an instant relationship. Almost like your first kiss has to lead to a relationship.
Now that could be the case, sometimes, for some men and women, but I just feel, a kiss or even a date or two is just another step far removed from a relationship.
I hate to see you scared when this fear is a future prediction based on how well you and a guy might work out. ( To avoid the pain, rejection, and hurt of a failed connection.)
If you use a reliable progression and slowly and “intuitively” learn about a certain man – that’s when you decide to go to the next step and release him from your life entirely or keep him around once in a while because you’re just not sure.
Personally I wouldn’t confront him on your confusion but I also wouldn’t ignore him either.
I would use this life experience to face your fears head on so you can rid yourself of them once and for all.
Listen, if this guy was constantly telling you how great of a long-term couple you’d both be and he did nothing about it AND he was trying to get with other women in front of you saying how much better he thinks you are – then you have every right to assume this:
Men who talk about taking action are rarely ever action-orientated people. And unless something drastic changes to alter that behavior you can be almost certain in a relationship, YOU will always be the one doing all the action forever hoping one day he’ll become the take charge guy you wanted in the first place.
In a way, all that talk he did then or before, was just talk.
I sincerely wish you the best of luck Stephanie. I also do hope you take what i wrote above (at least the facts about what a man goes through in the friends zone) and use it all feel better about what is happening.
You have my respect for writing it and letting it all out with no fears or prediction,