It’s a shame to think a man might barter or hold back his affection for someone until such time they give him what he wants.
It’s extortion, isn’t it? Well maybe it isn’t really that by the truest definition of the word, but perhaps there’s more to this story.
He might exclaim,
“I want this from you and if you can not give back the same or more – I’m going to hold back my true emotions.”
There are several ways to consider this problem.
Stay with me all the way to the end as I do my best to explain it all from a guys point of view and then give you a little hint on how to use all this knowledge to better understand guys, and what it takes to gain his complete devotion.
It can be a fear issue.
Men have five main fears in dating and relationships. All of them are listed in my newsletter archive: How Knowing His Fears Helps You Connect With Him.
Some guys don’t want to get hurt again.
They close themselves off to certain experiences which may leave them desperately open to rejection or non-physical harm.
Such as being cheated on or left because he might have “accidentally” shared too much with you.
In a very child-like manner they may even pout or exert rage in an attempt to get their fair share.
Truthfully, this hold-back in most cases is mainly passive.
Most men are non-confrontational with women and will subsequently choose the passive-aggressive stance.
Men go silent for more reasons than having nothing to say.
They also do it to avoid making a situation worse.
It’s a helpless stage.
Like how if he believes everything he does is wrong, why bother doing anything at all.
We’ve been taught relationships are give and take. How you have to compromise the smaller things to look for those big ticket items.
Something this little known relationship girl Rori Raye (her newsletter sign up page) has so eloquently spoken about; you’ll find the link below to her eye-opening article below.
What happens when his larger items or needs are left unmet?
Yet what happens when the little things pile up and appear to match in strength the bigger ones?
How many smaller items actually make up one huge thing?
You know the one(s) which you or him might refuse to compromise over.
He texts back quicker. She likes that. He sacrifices a meal or two. He cuts his showers short. He keeps the seat down. He helps with the dishes…
Don’t all those things makes him feel he should at least get something bigger like more time with his loved one or sexual fun or an involvement which makes a difference in both of their lives.
Commitment requires time to be set aside.
When the time is not fought for, it makes guys feel like we’re not worth fighting for. They can take it personal.
(As I’m sure you would or do too.)
Consider when a man gives you the smaller things, he’s looking to gain something bigger.
Not because he’s an ass or he’s extorting your love, but because of his refusal to sacrifice being loved and adored happen to be a big part of who he is.
He’s giving you something small because he just might believe that’s what you really want – in order for you to return some love and affection.
But it rarely works, does it?
If you’re WITH him you shouldn’t have to beg or ask for anything.
He SHOULD just know or do it because he loves you.
If you’re NOT with him it’s almost as if he’s trying to buy you with favors, little trinkets, or bartering, hoping you’ll feel something for him.
How about when a guy won’t give you the smaller stuff and all he cares about is getting something bigger.
Perhaps he’s a pain in the ass because he forgets sometimes.
Maybe he doesn’t call as often as you’d like.
Maybe his texts take forever to reach you.
Maybe he doesn’t help around the house like you wished he would.
If you feel your man, or just some guy you know is “holding back” and it feels like no matter how many little things you give or get, it seems like you’re just beating down a door to an empty room, I’m wiling to bet he’s holding out on those larger ones for one seemingly odd hidden reason…
Whereas (cool word huh?) love, affection, and all those bigger ones are kind of clear to us, the little ones vary from man to woman.
From man to man. From woman to woman. Fish to fish. Dog to Dog. You’re getting the picture.
Those differences may seem trivial but in comparison and adding it all up – actually contain important building blocks.
They form the foundation of relations and connections and they determine whether or not a guy will hold back from giving, or beg more for taking, or develop secrets in his mind, or is willing to share his heart…
It’s not easy to communicate unwavering love or devotion when he feels one way or another he’s not getting his very personally specific needs met.
And within each he believes his items are different than some other guys.
He must feel especially different in your eyes and no matter how common those smaller things are, you MUST notice them.
Sometimes acknowledge them.
Appeal to the clever way he looks you right in the eyes and smiles.
Why does it feel some guys hold back – refuse to budge – are hard to open up – seemingly extort for your love – or are never willing to go that extra mile for that special girl?
Simply put, as if I could actually write something just… simply. 😉
Those smaller things YOU feel are being met are not actually the ones HE wants you to embrace.
Now I understand that sounds awful. How I might be saying you’re only seeing what you think he really needs.
But that’s just not true.
Here are those big ticket items from the article mentioned above:
- Great sex.
- Being able to negotiate.
- Emotional safety.
I agree with her.
Probably not entirely but she does have more than a point.
She IS the real deal.
However, from a male’s point of view, the little items which make up each one of those are a little different.
Taking a step back and looking at the big picture, you may not describe “affection” the same way a guy does.
Being able to negotiate to you may be as simple and profound as being heard or listened to more often.
Which is a good thing.
But to him, it could be being able to make a decision without regret or criticism.
Not because a blame of badgering but because it makes him feel more free to make a good or bad choice on his own.
It’s my thought today – to truly understand men, and then perhaps have his complete and utter devotion, first of course is to understand those big ticket items but you must also consider how you came to understand your own needs is inherently different than how he comes to his own.
I’m just saying.
If you do “that” better than his 1,2,4,8,16 past experiences you’ll understand guys like unfortunately not many women have.
And I do suggest you use that bit of REAL ADVICE to YOUR advantage as often as you can. 😉
Understand his needs – HIS big ticket items AND understand how he sees them differently than you – how you comes to understand what those are to him and what they mean…
AND you’ll understand MEN and be that much closer to truly connecting with him.
In conclusion… just maybe we can make sense of all this holding back stuff…
Men go silent or hold back their love for many reasons:
A fear of being hurt.
A fear of being cheated on.
They generally have five main fears which are listed here: How Knowing His Fears Helps You Connect With Him.
To avoid making the problem worse.
Sometimes it comes from a feeling of being helpless.
He might not feel they know how to meet your needs.
Thinking everything he does is wrong – so why bother doing anything at all.
He could appear to go silent as he’s “exchanging” the small things for the bigger ones…. OR
Holding back the smaller items because he’s more concerned with the bigger stuff.
He’s either doing or one thing or the other – holding off or appearing silent (or unresponsive) to the smaller stuff and purely focused on giving the bigger stuff.
Maybe he feels HIS specific needs are not being met.
Those smaller things YOU feel are being met for him are not actually the ones HE wants you to embrace.
How you describe your needs might be different than how he sees it.
How you come to understand your needs are different than how comes to see it.
Sure – you might ask WHY doesn’t he just tell you what he needs but unfortunately – since men and women communicate differently – he might feel he shouldn’t have to tell you or any woman who is looking to date or open him up.
(And that’s an entirely different discussion.)
Today’s article may open up more questions than you were prepared. It’s okay if you it enlightened you a little or got you thinking about some things which may have never crossed your mind when it comes to understanding men.
The whole truth about his silence and ALL the reasons why it happens is listed in my free online book you can read whenever you like.
That’s one of my top suggestions for getting inside the mind of a guy and it is an affiliated link so read my privacy page to know what that means.
Thanks for stopping by today and I do hope you found what you were searching for and that you now have a better understanding of why men can “appear” silent and the beginning of all the reasons why they will withhold their love AND how a man’s needs are built differently than yours.
Make sure you do sign up to the why do guys newsletter below for more insights into men. You’ll get lots of secrets about men you’ve never heard before and how it CAN help you connect with any man.