Glad I ran across your blog. Sounds like you fall somewhere in the middle. I was concerned men only went for bodies. I do believe I am an attractive woman but I don’t have a barbie doll figure. So then my question is:
I went on 3 dates with a guy I really liked. He was very flirty, affectionate, and kept saying how much he was attracted to me and how much fun he was having with me on all 3 dates.
In the middle of the first date he asked me for a second date. The 3rd date we played it by ear because he had to work. It has been 2 weeks and he hasn’t asked me for a 4th date.
We don’t talk or text everyday. We have texted a few small texts every few days and just says he is working a lot (no I’m not text harassing him or “trying” to determine if he likes me through texts or begging for a commitment to another date. Just stating have a good day and how are you?
I took this as he wasn’t attracted or interested in me and I should move on.
My friends say a guy wouldn’t date and be affectionate with a girl if he wasn’t interested in or attracted to. Is that true? Was he attracted and interested in me or Is he blowing me off in a nice way? BTW…We only kissed.
I would have to say your friends are "mostly" right. Men rarely if ever go on a few dates with a woman (and kiss her) if they're not in some way attracted or interested in something with her.
However that "something" remains to be seen.
Today's post is starting with a warning about men. A little insight to help you understand him and other guys too.
Be cautious about men who (early on) are constantly mentioning how attracted they are to you.
A man who needs to vocalize his enjoyment in what's happening and on top of that externalizes his attraction towards you is either using tactics of seduction (terribly I might add) or whose esteem is and will always be dependent on your reaction to his broad statements of affection.
Either way - too much in this case could easily be sign he's only trying to just get laid or lacks in the self-esteem area.
The "better men" will tend to avoid vocalizing their enjoyment too much and will keep the compliments to a minimum because they feel it destroys the chemistry.
Which leads me to believe he's either using the "I'm so attracted to you... This is so much fun... " as a means to getting sex quicker with you OR because he thinks you have to overly compliment a woman for her to like him back.
Now that we got all that out of the way - let's get to the answer and then I'll give you some VERY helpful tips about men to assure they're more than eager to set that fourth date with you.
Do men ever date girls they are NOT attracted to or interested in more than once?
Yes and no. (I love that answer.)
No - if a guy is NOT that much interested in you you'll find he will rarely if ever set up a second date one the first date and so on. He's clearly showing some interest by going out with you once and even more interest by setting up more dates.
Yes - if he's only slightly attracted to you but is not interested in you, a man WILL set up more dates to see if you'll "give it up" within a short time - in other words, just to at least get laid out of the deal.
If you're not confused by now - you should be so let me see if I can clear some things up.
SEX is a motivator for lots of men as if you needed to be told that.
It's clear he's attracted to you in some way.
It's clear he's interested in you too.
The key missing element is INTENTION.
My effort to keep men simple for you lead me to come up with those three variables along with the type one and type two guys things which you can read about here. I'm not going to confuse you even more by going into that today or which one I think he is because I don't have enough information to go on.
I'll work my way to the intention part so make sure you read all the way until the end.
Men are typically obvious when it comes to showing their interest in you and even more obvious when they're attracted to you.
I want you to ASSUME you're GOOD enough for any guy and that any guy could be interested and attracted to you.
If a guy is doing anything from asking questions, taking you out, complimenting you, whatever... that means he IS interested AND he IS attracted to you.
You're not going to find many men who date women just to date. Makes sense, right? Dating is not easy for most people. It can be an uneasy experience filled with anxiety and tense moments. No one LIKES to put themselves through all that especially with someone they're not in the very least... into for some reason or another.
This means you need to figure out his INTENTION as quickly as possible and it must be done in a way which is attractive to the guy.
Just asking, "Hey - what are your plans with ME?" doesn't work because you won't get a real answer.
However you could easily ask what HIS plans are, where he sees himself in the future; just do it in a way which is fun and add yours in too.
A man's intention is simply his plans for HIS future - short term and long term.
Short term could be sex - casual dating - just having fun.
Long term could be a committed relationship or an exclusive casual dating experience.
But again - you can not typically ask those questions directly because the answer won't be reliable.
So what you do is find out HIS plans for the future and where he sees himself later on in life and WHERE he is right now because that will ALWAYS reveal his intent.
For example: A man who can not answer those questions, is talking about a job he doesn't like to go to, is partying a lot and just hanging out with friends might want a future with a woman BUT he's not there yet and will take longer to get there.
However a man talking about living out his passions, enjoys talking about his job, is leaving a relatively stable lifestyle is more like to have an intention to settle down sooner or DATE exclusive for that purpose.
Let's take the texts you sent him because it's a great opportunity to drive up his interest in you and figure out his true intention.
You mentioned how you were not trying to harass him, get another date, or try to use them to figure out if he likes you.
That's good BUT you must then also realize that sending texts between dates may be a little too much if things are not getting serious AND because you're trying to avoid "pushing him away" it left you with little to say to which he would want to respond.
Asking how he's doing is not a good one. Sure it seems innocent but it's not inviting, purposeful, and only sets you up as keeping in touch a little too much.
Telling him or wishing for him to have a good day also seems innocent but since it's not really saying much or enticing him to get back - to a guy (like the previous) text - it just feels like you're trying to keep in touch and turn things more serious than they might be at the time.
Keep the texting light and fun.
Use it so you can bring out his personality.
Text him something that he feels he must answer because you engaged his interest.
Challenge him a little. Tease him a little (non-sexually at first).
Otherwise you'll get more of the same, "Just busy working." and then silence AND it's going to feel like he's not interested in you.
Keeping in mind - this is NOT all on you - it's up to HIM to show his interest in you the right way too. Some guys are terrible at it.
Just because a guy isn't showing all sorts of interest in you doesn't always mean it's not there. Much of that can depend on the type of guy.
AND since it's going to be extremely difficult to tell one way or another - DO what you have control over and don't worry about the rest. Worrying will only send you to websites like this one asking WHY - What does it mean? Is he interested?
NOT that I don't want you here but you must admit - what I do (kind of) depends on women not continually coming back here looking for answers, right?
Okay now... let's get finish all this out.
Men will not date you more than once IF he's not feeling a little attracted to you.
Interest is a little more complicated but since you went out several dates, you certainly peaked his interest a little.
The REAL question is his INTENTION. Where it was when you first met and where it's at it now.
A man's intention can easily change over a few dates. If he loses the interest in something more with you, it can turn into just looking for a casual experience.
This means if his interest in you decreases over a few dates AND he's physically attracted to you, he could stick around hoping and trying to sleep with you.
Unfortunately that happens all too often.
You'll know it when he SAYS his intentions are long-term in the beginning and then they suddenly change with him saying,
"Well I'm not really looking for anything serious - right now."
In other words - he's full of shit. He feels he's invested in something with you and is trying to get something out of the deal... sex.
There are not many HARD rules in dating and I don't like to rely on them as being something to turn to for a real answer.
One of those rules is:
If a guy doesn't contact you for a couple weeks - delete his number and move on.
Which is something you're experiencing right now and by that rule, you should delete him and look elsewhere.
The problem with that rule and many more of them are the many variables that are in place:
Men do get busier at times and less busy at other times. A man's interest does fluctuate from date to date. Just as his intention could lead to just sex, it could easily go the other way too.
Hard rules like this are unreliable and give unpredictable results.
Here's MY take on problems like this which solves EVERYTHING:
STOP concerning yourself over a man's interest in you.
BE interesting. DO interesting things together. CHALLENGE him the right way.
FOCUS on what you do have control over and allow things take a more natural path.
Take full advantage of those shorter messages in between to bring out his real intentions with you AND to peak his interest.
DATE other men and never restrict yourself to dating one guy at a time.
Sure it can work but most of the time - it does not and causes women like you to go out searching for answers which will only prove to be vague and useless because NO ONE, not even me, based on words alone can ever tell you if he's interested or not.
You'll even meet some guys who are heavily attracted to you, totally interested in settling down with you and STILL DISAPPEAR on you.
You can do EVERYTHING right and still lose a man to his own demons or personal hang ups in dating and in life.
Dating several men at once solves a lot of these problems and sets you up to attract a better man for you with less anxiety and more confidence. Adding up to a more attractive YOU.
Know what your needs are - what you expect from a man - what YOUR intentions are and learn how to communicate them to a man (attractively) so he can fully understand them so he's less likely to act confusing and send you mixed signals.
There are the critical areas in dating which I plan to cover fully in my newsletter so I suggest you hop on board:
Attraction - physical and emotional - beyond his control. Doesn't change often.
Interest - emotional and decision based - within his control. Will fluctuate based on many factors.
Intention - his long and short term goals - his plans with you and other women. What he's looking for - can and does change AND is within his control or decision making process.
Assume men date women they're physically and/or emotionally feeling attraction towards.
Since his interest changes and he can send you mixed signals, don't worry about it so much. Remember you have all the power to heighten his interest in you. Stick what you have direct control over and that's YOURSELF.
You can certainly sway a man's intention one way or another but that's not always easy or recommended such as trying to change his intention from just wanting casual sex into something more.
NEVER rely on his words to prove his intention. ACTIONS are more reliable and predictable in revealing his true intentions and from your style of communication you can always determine what his intentions are and if they're a match with yours.
Now... do I think you should move on?
Your NEW plan is above.
Follow it and none of it will matter.
It won't even affect you if he never calls, texts, or asks you for another date again.
If he's blowing you off... so be it.
Don's ask if he likes you - if he's interested in you - did he lose his attraction for you - was he attracted to you in the first place...
Focus on what you DO have control over and the right man, with the right intention, and the right interest in you WILL do everything within HIS control so you're not left wondering or asking questions that can not be always answered.
Photo: The Lazy Artist Gallery