A man will hold back his love from you for many reasons and today you’re going to learn what some of them are, how it’s connected to having different “relationship” needs than yours, and why this passive aggressive stance appears silent and unresponsive to the love you want to give him.
He’s Holding Back His Love Out Of Fear.
It’s hard to imagine that a man might be less afraid of walking down a dark dangerous ally or putting his life on the line defending his country than showing his love to you but it’s true.
A fear of rejection.
You can give and show him all the love you want BUT if he’s not convinced that it’s real his fear of being rejected AFTER he says it, is still there deep in his mind.
Nothing hurts a man more than your unrequited love and he’ll opt for silence until it’s proven to him in ways which go beyond the three words you can say to him, “I love you.”
A fear of being or feeling incompetent.
You’ll find a man will not only feel undeserving of your love but also incapable of giving back the same or more devotion to you that you are giving to him.
It’s not an easy balance for a woman to achieve.
Give him too much love and he feels he can not compete with it or keep up with it making him feel incompetent.
Give him too little and he’s more likely to go back to the last fear of being rejected.
A fear of losing his freedom.
A man’s connection to being free comes in many forms and it’s difficult to understand them all and how they’re directly related to you so I’ll try to keep it simple for you and for me too.
Once a man devotes his love to you through words or actions (for real) he almost immediately feels pressured to live up to his formal declaration of it.
The pressure is felt like a direct loss of freedom as he now might feel trapped into playing out the role of someone who is in love.
A fear of not pleasing you sexually or intimately.
Casual sex is not “easy” so to speak BUT the ACT of sex is a lot easier to handle and deal with when a man is not in love with his partner.
Once you add love and devotion and his NEED to PLEASE you this fear becomes very real.
A man derives pleasure from pleasing the woman he loves the most. The more of it – the more the need to please because it’s connected to his masculinity.
A fear of not being able or capable of handling and dealing with ALL you EMOTIONS.
Once the word LOVE is out there a man will feel responsible for your emotions.
Responsible for giving back the same or more than you give, responsible for being there for you in all the ups and downs you experience, responsible for smoothing things out when you’re feeling ill or emotionally hurt, AND responsible for making any pain you feel… go away.
It’s now amazingly clear how his fears are inseparable from his feelings of loving you.
Saying I LOVE YOU comes with a huge price for everyone but since we’re only dealing with men today – you can see WHY he might hold back from acting like it or telling you he loves you UNTIL his fears are dealt with or feel manageable to him.
In the free version of my Ebook on the silent man I emphasize one point over and over again because it’s a big reason why men go silent or “hold back their love”.
I suggest you read the entire reasoning behind it in the book but I’ll give it to you simply and let you work out the details:
SILENCE EQUALS SAFETY.
AND when we have less fears we feel more SAFE and therefor will feel more safe to show our love.
The five fears men have which may cause their silence or hesitation in the area of loving you or saying were NOT created by me. A brilliant man by the name of Carlos Cavallo made them clear to me and in a letter he wrote.
Carlos helps you connect with a man in a way too help you erase his fears and you can read his video intro – The Connection Code – Some Women Are Like Cookies – Some Are Like Broccoli – Which One Are You? OR give him your email and he will let you watch the first chapter for free: Seven Fatal Connection Mistakes Women Make.
We’ve been affiliated friends for about a decade now prompting me to write a whole page dedicated to those five fears. The discussion is a little long and sometimes hard to follow but when you’re ready to go that deep – give it a read:
Okay – sure… he “might” be holding back because he’s afraid of getting hurt again. Lots of guys use that EXCUSE and they’ll close themselves off to certain experiences doing or saying things which may leave them desperately open to rejection or non-physical harm.
Technically that falls under the fear of being rejected.
Notice how I emphasized the word EXCUSE. You’ll find a guy will use what I call the “po po me” excuse to abstain from committing or telling you he loves you (sometimes too much) because he’s afraid of getting hurt of feels unworthy of your love.
Sometimes it’s real. Sometimes he’s full of it.
Mostly it means one of two things:
He isn’t feeling it too much for you and is sort of “keeping you on the hook” until someone better comes along and is using you to keep some intimacy in his life.
You haven’t connected with him in a way which can and will make him feel… yes, you might’ve guessed… SAFE.
You’ll have to look back at your experience with men to determine which one it is. I’d say – if it’s happening all too often, it might be the way in which you’re connecting with men – otherwise it’s ALL him.
Again – something you can learn more about in my Ebook below or from Carlos or in the next section of this post.
How his needs are built differently.
Rori Raye (her free newsletter sign up page) – is my “go to” woman when it comes to relationships, needs, feelings, emotions, and fears pointed out something to me one day that made me think about a man’s NEEDS.
In the article below she talks about a woman having relationship problems because she’s more concerned or troubled by the little things her partner is doing or not doing when she’s getting so much from him.
She asks you to let go of the smaller things when you’re already getting so many of the bigger things. Obviously if you’re not getting those larger items then there is a real problem going on.
- Great sex.
- Being able to negotiate.
- Emotional safety.
Anyways – aside from all that I LOVE the list of NEEDS she wrote and how both men and women enjoy better more communicative (less silent) relationships when many of those needs are being met.
You’ll quickly notice when a man’s needs are not being met he may decide to become more or less passive aggressive.
Rather than start another fight, rather than message you back as quick as you message him, rather than reassure his love to you everyday – he’ll withdraw himself.
Why he’s doing it is clear.
He feels his BIGGER NEEDS are not being met and is choosing silence (safety) over the more dangerous route of speaking up up to including not saying he loves you or ACTING like it.
Okay that may not be so obvious to everyone but now you know it so it’s all good.
The REAL confusing part comes with not UNDERSTANDING a man and what his actions mean and how they’re directly related to his NEEDS.
When your needs are fully met you feel it. You just know it, right? You feel happy, content, more loving, more open, more supported, more CONNECTED to the person who is meeting them.
But what about his needs…
HOW do you know if they’re being met when he’s not being clear or vocal about it as in when a man is less likely to tell you?
Actually he IS letting you know through his ACTIONS. (Generally speaking of course because if he’s not feeling something great for you then he’s not going to act that way.)
In HIS mind it’s very clear the point he’s trying to get across AND because of the way men and women communicate differently to the world around them, the signals get crossed or all too easily misunderstood.
For example – from Rori’s list above:
- Great sex.
- Being able to negotiate.
- Emotional safety.
Your version or how you came to interpret when they’re being met, what they mean to you, AND HOW you show them to another has developed over your life which I guarantee is different than his version.
He might be fully convinced he’s being affectionate with a simple morning kiss but you believe it’s not enough. Maybe you feel a long tight hug is more affectionate than a quick tenth of a second kiss.
To him – he feels his needs of great sex are being met when YOU get off and if that happens quickly – he’s okay with it because then he will too. BUT you might be more convinced of your needs being met by having less sex but more longer “make love” sessions.
You might see harmony as having long discussions about your life and his life together and what it all means and how grateful you both feel about it BUT he might believe harmony is achieved when you don’t have a fight for a couple of weeks. He feels more connected while without it – you feel less connected.
Comprises are big in relationships AND in dating too. Strange as it sounds you might be more forgiving of your first or second date with a man and the little things he does that you don’t like, over the same stuff being done over a year or more of being in a committed relationship.
In other words you’re comprising what you feel are less important traits of a guy or his smaller faults when he has so many other good qualities which you feel are more important to meeting your needs.
The being able to negotiate need is more fulfilled when your partner and you are willing to compromise on certain smaller things in the same way. Take away this “capability” of a couple and you’ll soon find some major needs are far from being met and reached.
You’ll find the items which men and will compromise over are very different AND are often not shared vocally because of a lack of effective communication and the difference in which men and women communicate differently.
The unfortunate outcome is often SILENCE on both ends or LOUDNESS unproductive actions.
A bigger problem occurs when a man feels like he’s trying to meet your needs by doing lots of little things for YOU when many those items is him willing to compromise over.
These difference in NEEDS or the ability to share those needs positively and effectively creates an eventual breakdown of communication often leading to passive aggressive behavior and silence.
Again – it’s not that the needs of a man and woman are different – it’s the understanding of them, how they’re shown or conveyed or communicated, how they’re accepted or interpreted which tends to feel like one partner isn’t being heard and/or one partner is opting for silence and the safety of their own thoughts.
In other words – they are BUILT differently than yours.
I’m not going any further on Rori’s list.
You can sign up to her newsletter here or pick up her Have The Relationship You Want Ebook where she’ll show you how to connect to man emotionally which will make meeting both your needs much easier and guaranteed to happen.
A man’s silence from a NEEDS perspective in many circumstances – not all – just many – comes from the fact that yours and his needs may be met in different ways.
Whereas yours are not being met in the way you want he believes or thinks they are based on what he’s doing to fulfill his needs along the way too.
I understand it’s confusing.
It’s not a simple math problem we’re trying to solve here.
But let’s see if I can connect all the dots for you and make some sense of it.
Back to the title…
A man will often hold back their love for you out of fear.
- A fear of being rejected by you after the love is declared.
- A fear of being incompetent or not being capable to live up to his declaration of love or to make you happy.
- A fear of the lose of freedom he might feel after it’s said or from the actions he’s doing to prove his love to you.
- A fear of being incapable of giving the intimacy he wants to give or feels you deserve AFTER it’s said or done.
- A fear of not being able to handle your emotions now that the love is out there and made clear.
Those five major fears were brought to my attention by Carlos Cavallo – producer of The Connection Code and fully explain why a man might hold back his love until the right woman helps him to alleviate or lessen his fears which is often done by how you communicate to him.
A man NEEDS which are similar to yours but are developed and shown differently can easily make it feel like he’s going silent or doesn’t love you but it’s not always the case.
Often what you see as silence – because he’s DOING more than he’s SAYING is actually HIS way of trying to meet your needs while at the same time trying to get his needs met.
This confusion or difference in communication is likely the problem that must be addressed FIRST before both you and him will be satisfied in the relationship thus erasing the silence and opening more freer and honest lines of communication.
The CONNECTION between the two elements: FEARS AND NEEDS are not so easily seen or understood.
Imagine a man FEARS his NEEDS won’t be met by you and are based on the five above.
Imagine a man needs his FEARS lessened or eliminated BEFORE he will believe or feel like HIS NEEDS are being met.
Imagine a man trying to meet YOUR NEEDS in the only way he knows how through his ACTIONS and not by his words alone.
Imagine a man trying to do all that and more and finds himself with a woman who doesn’t know how to positively and effectively convey her needs therefore helpless to meet her needs thus enhancing one of his greatest fears.
Imagine a man trying to please a woman while at the same time doesn’t understand how to convey positively and effectively his needs therefore once again, enhancing another one of his greatest fears.
Imagine a woman trying to please a man who doesn’t know how to communicate what his real needs are to her in a way she can understand and fulfill.
I suppose you don’t have to imagine any of that.
You can only step and wonder how two people EVER get together in the first place and achieve happiness as a couple.
It’s easy but it’s commonly called COMMUNICATION and if you follow the trend between the sexes you’ll notice the pattern which leads to articles like this being written.
Men believing women talk too much without conveying or making him understand WHAT he needs to know AND…
Women believing men are not open enough making it difficult for them to trust his actions or intentions and making it clear enough so SHE understands what to do to erase his fears and meet his needs.
Thanks to everyone for stopping by and making it this far. This is actually the third or fourth update of this post. I’ve added some new information and after a few of you complained it was hard to follow, gave it yet another update to make it as clear as possible.
Take the time to sign in below and read the free version of my upcoming book on the silent man.
I’ll explain to you all about this “silence equals safety” to a man concept I brought up earlier in the post PLUS you’ll learn everything there is about why a man might go silent and every reason why he suddenly stopped contacting you.