We don’t hide it very well, do we? Although some of us claim to be masters at not getting caught.
I guess the word is out. Girls know we’re staring at them. There’s no reason to hide it anymore.
If they want to know why, let’s tell them…
But first … This question is vague yet the chosen words – “Guys & Girls” leads me to believe this is a younger woman’s question so I’ll keep the answer as relevant as possible.
When I was “staring at girls” I was checking them out.
Beauty, especially in the eyes of a sexually driven guy, not only catches our eye but can literally freeze us. Sometime it’s almost impossible to turn away.
It’s strange because unless we talk to you the image disappears quickly. Making any later fantasies with your image almost impossible. Although I imagine some guys are better at that than other.
So if we know you and are still staring there’s a good chance we’re going to use that image later. Now before you go thinking it’s all sexual. It’s not. Sometimes it’s a girlfriend theme or the perfect “meet up” or even just a kiss.
You can safely assume, like nine times out of ten, if any guy is staring at you he is checking you out.
He wants to meet you. He is attracted to you.
In a weird way he even wants to get caught because just maybe, if you catch him staring at you, you’ll stare back and it’s on. I would say more than half of those guys are desperately hoping you’ll approach them.
From there he’ll probably even assume you like him or at least are attracted to him. That usually depends on his self-esteem.
Think of this. As guys. When we’re hanging out and some girl starts staring at us our friends are likely to smack us and say, “Dude! That girl is totally checking you out.”
Since we’re men and can only think like a male we’re usually going to assume you work the same way. It often goes like this:
- Checking you out – We see something we like or are attracted to you.
- Staring at you – Locked in your beauty and most like want to get caught so you’ll approach us. Lessening the chance of being rejected.
Now as for the whole “sexual attraction” level I would have to say it’s almost like an addiction. Not usually harmful but it certainly can be.
When we see a “hot” girl we’re likely to get a little excited. Not hard just sexually aware.
And it feels good.
So we do it a lot because it feels good.
Strange to you maybe but to me, as a guy, it feels perfectly natural and I’ve been enjoying it for many years. Just now as I get older I’ve learned not to let it take me away or make me do stupid stuff.
If you’re dealing with younger guys staring at you, then he may not have learned his own personal control over how good it feels and he reacts blatantly to it.
Question…
If we feel them staring but don’t catch their eye… are we usually right about feeling a stare from guys?
Now is that different if their a natural flirt… or seem like a big flirt to girls? Like another poster… this guy is divorced… within the last year… what is your opinion on it all? … probably just his personality? Will guys flirt differently depending on how much they like… or how they plan to be with someone?
There are two answers here Kels.
One, if you’re very self-conscious, think others are always judging you, or if you tend to worry too much about what others think of you… you’re probably going to feel like lots of guys are staring at you. Mostly bad I suppose but some good.
Two, if you’re aware of your surroundings and not overly self-conscious, then I’d say if it feels like a guy is checking you out but you can’t catch him… HE IS. 🙂
Yes. Guys do flirt differently but more of that is based on who they are and not so much what they want from you. Although I would assume a guy is only interested in a sexual encounter would flirt more sexually and a guy is looking more long term would tone down the flirting to something more future based BUT all that is highly unreliable because so many men don’t understand how and why flirting works and why it’s done so they just go with whatever.
Question…
So there’s this guy and at first I thought he’s not interested because he liked this other girl, if I’m right, and I barley know him but every time I look at him I cath him staring at me. Why?
Niki,
Men can be interested in many different women at once. Just because he likes another girl may not stop him from staring. Lots of guys who are not sure about a woman they are involved with will often think and believe they can do better or still like to explore more options. It’s a big reason men don’t commit so easily.
Pete
What if the staring is getting creepy and you have asked them to stop but they don’t?
Then they are just some creepy bastards
I’m a guy.
When “I know” I’m staring at you it means i’m just checking you out.
However if I’m interested I unknowingly will glimpse (than stare) at the girl. When I turn away its then I realized I’m interested and will do it a few more times without realizing it.
If you are very close to me, and I don’t look at you, it means i’m interested.
Whenever I look at the guy who I like he’s also staring at me. One time he even froze when I was walking to his friend beside him, what does this mean?
Normally it means he froze up. Probably wanted to approach you or say something but ended up over thinking or was caught off guard.
A guy’s mind tends to freeze up in these situations all too often.
This article I wrote some time ago at the approach will help you see what goes on in our minds in these circumstances.
What Goes On Inside His Mind – From The Moment Of Approach And Beyond
http://www.dialteg.org/what-inside-his-mind-moment-of-approach/
Proximity is big for guys. The closer our attraction gets to us, the more we feel the pressure.
Pete
There’s this guy I like and he’s two years older than me. He’s also my brother’s friend. And whenever I see him he’s always looking at me with an expressionless look. And I’m the one who always has to break eye contact. I don’t know what to think of it, maybe he just sees me as his friend’s sister.
Victoria,
He’s two years older. Yeah, not a problem with guys. Your brother’s friend? Some guys will be very cautious around their friends sister IF they’re attracted to her.
Expressionless looks? Well now have a problem. Space case maybe. Haha!
Naaa, take a look at yourself. Are you attractive? Do other guys stare at you? How does it feel when you walk in a room where there are men?
If other guys are consistently checking you out, then he probably sees the same thing. Just because he doesn’t break eye contact only means he’s zoning out, OR he’s showing his “confidence”.
One last thing: It does not matter who you are, what you do, ATTRACTION happens. He could easily only see you as his friend’s sister and might not be willing to “go there” because of the complications, BUT it does not mean he can not be attracted to you.
Pete
Thanks for your reply. 😊
Peter, I’ll be honest. The idea of men using my body to make themselves feel good, or of my husband using my friends butt to make himself feel good disturbs and dismays me. It strikes me as selfish and disrepectful. Can you understand how it might make a woman feel?
Well Gilroy, they’re not really using your body in that way. What is happening is between their ears in the privacy of their head. Something we must admit at some level – we’re not privy to.
Sure it feels weird to find out it’s happening when the thoughts become public knowledge and personal BUT besides that: Thoughts are often just abstract ideas – fantasies are expressions of imagination and our happiness might partly rely on our imagination.
Honestly objecting is good thing but feeling disrespected by some other persons private thoughts is not always a good thing. It wasn’t for me. 🙂 Made me feel too self-conscious and more aware, cautious, or worried about what other people were thinking about than my own feelings towards myself.
I can understand how it can make a woman feel.
Sometimes good, sometimes bad, sometimes flattered, sometimes sexy, sometimes disgusted, repulsed, or objectified… Other times happy, intrigued, or even pleased.
My point is, when I realized I have no control over someone else’s thoughts, or gave up trying to make them think something I find more enjoyable or pleased about, I became less conscious, more aware of myself, less cautious, more fun 😉 and less worried about life.
Pete
I wanted to say thanks for replying and for you frank discussion. Your comment makes some sense and is very thoughtful. At this same time I think that there is a cognitive dissonance between this:
“When we see a “hot” girl we’re likely to get a little excited. Not hard just sexually aware.
And it feels good.
So we do it a lot because it feels good.
Strange to you maybe but to me, as a guy, it feels perfectly natural and I’ve been enjoying it for many years.”
And saying that some men aren’t regularly using womens bodies in that way, even in the abstract. If I am looking directly at him but he is so focused on my chest or backside that he doesn’t notice, I’m going to comclude that he is using my body in a way that I certainly didn’t agree for it to be used. It’s especially upsetting to see a partnered older man staring, or the person you are with staring at someone else. I think it would be nice to have a cultural conversation that might make men a little bit more self aware and respectful of women in general, instead of just saying that it feels good so it’s always ok to do it.
Thanks for your time and replies.
When I’m out in public I catch guys looking at me. When I make eye contact either they look away, turn their heads or even try to maintain eye contact!
I find that im becoming really self concious and now spend a lot of the time looking at the ground. Not sure if their staring is a good thing or not…?
Tara, I know just how you feel. I grew up very self concious because of men looking at me that way. As Peter said, they might be interested in you, or they could just be using your body for a quick thrill. I don’t think it’s a good thing because it’s making you self concious and uncomfortable-you’re the one who should decide if it’s good or bad at the end of the day.
Sometimes it IS bad Tara but I tend to believe that mostly it’s not.
I see it as:
People (including me) are generally stuck in their own world and are more concerned with their own life, problems, and desires. We’re (the ones just passing by) are merely a flash in their lives until at such time we become connected to them by some external way.
Eye contact is natural thing which has evolved to serve a real everyday purpose. In a way it can protect us. In a way it leads to deeper connections to those around us. AND it also helps us to better see the world and who we share it with.
This self-conscious thing only becomes a problem when we believe how we affect the greater world around us depends on how we act and that’s a terrible burden to have.
Keep your head up. At the very least you’ll give them a chance to see you as a person.
When you keep your head down, they’re more likely to see your body and they too, will take it as personal judgement of who they are.
Works both ways.
Remember people are generally immersed in their own self-conscious thoughts. Not always bad, not always good. Just plain IS.
Thanks Tara and I promise if I ever see you on the street… I’ll just give you a sly smile and ask you what’s so special on the ground. 🙂
Pete
Whenever this guy in school walks past me, we both smile. For certain classes, we move classrooms. And i happen to move to his classroom while he moves to another. Whenever he comes back and im packing my bag,he smiles at me that it confuses me to think whether he’s just flirting or interested in me(??)
Thank you so much for this article Peter. I have a question. I went on a date with a coworker and we ended up having a great time and made out with intensity. The next day he stopped texting me back and acted like it never happened. About a month later I got the courage to ask him if he liked me, he kinda laughed and said no. But now I catch he constantly smiling at me. Staring when he thinks I can’t see him, and watching me when I talk to other guy co workers. I’m so confused. Please help, thank you.
You should be confused BUT I can tell you honestly this…
If a guy goes out with you once, it felt like a good time, you made out with him, and then he didn’t follow through with it after AND starts acting like it never happened AND you work with him,
One: Refrain from ever dating a guy you work with to avoid problems like this in the future.
Two: He sounds like a prick so be done with him. He could easily be playing a game with you. Using you to further his other options at work. Using you as some sort of person to control. All in all none of it sounds good.
Three: Avoid ever asking a guy if he likes you especially if you don’t hear from him personally for a month.
Four: Realize, lots of real men take action with women they are truly interested in. If they don’t make any real effort within a reasonable time, then they are not interested or felt it necessary to take that action.
It’s okay to be confused by men as long as the confusion (sort of) happens because men and women communicate differently BUT it’s not okay to allow or fall into the trap of someone, when it appears they are causing the confusion with that exact purpose. Which seems to be this case.
No need to be confused now.
Pete