According to a group of divorce lawyers who (perhaps inappropriately) gathered some massive statistics on divorce:
"Lack of commitment is the most common reason given by divorcing couples according to a recent national survey.
Here are the reasons given and their percentages:
- Lack of commitment 73%
- Argue too much 56%
- Infidelity 55%
- Married too young 46%
- Unrealistic expectations 45%
- Lack of equality in the relationship 44%
- Lack of preparation for marriage 41%
- Abuse 25%
(Respondents often cited more that one reason, therefore the percentages add up to much more than 100 percent)"
Infidelity, according to their statistics, accounts for 55% of divorces. Over half is a big number.
Since those who participated in the survey could give more than one reason, it would seem any of those other reasons could lead to one spouse cheating on another.
The lack of commitment which accounted for a huge 73% could have easily been checked off with infidelity.
In fact many of those listed could be a reason which would lead someone to cheat on their spouse (or girlfriend if it went quickly to marriage).
Arguing too much can certainly push a man away into the arms of a less challenging or possibly less argumentative woman.
Being married too young can leave enough doubt in a man's mind to wonder if it's greener on the other side. It could also make him feel like he hasn't explored his sexuality enough to be sure about the commitment he made.
A young man might also (dare I say) be less responsible or understand the real implications of his actions and how they affect others.
We must admit we're a little more impulsive when we're young.
Having unrealistic expectations and feeling let down or unsatisfied in the relationship can yet be another driving force behind a man deciding to stray from his wife or partner.
Lack of equality might appear like it's just for women but take away a guy's right to speak or feel respected in the relationship and he can all too easily find himself with another woman who gives him the power he's lacking with his wife.
If he had it to begin with and lost it is unknown but since either is possible and probably happens a lot - it's safe to assume it's a legitimate reason for the extra sleeping around.
Such as this interesting finding.
According to another poll, after the age of roughly 29 - men are more likely to cheat on their partner.
"Among ever-married adults ages 18 to 29, women are slightly more likely than men to be guilty of infidelity (11% vs. 10%). But this gap quickly reverses among those ages 30 to 34 and grows wider in older age groups.
Trend data going back to the 1990s suggests that men have always been more likely than women to cheat. Even so, older men were no more likely to cheat than their younger peers in the past. In the 1990s, the infidelity rate peaked among men ages 50 to 59 (31%) and women ages 40 to 49 (18%). It was lower for both men and women at the older end of the age spectrum. Between 2000 and 2009, the highest rate of infidelity shifted to men ages 60 to 69 (29%) and women ages 50 to 59 (17%)."
Telling me, as the relationships trudges on - something is happening to the guy which is sending him someplace else. We're just not certain without the details WHAT that is, who is causing it, how long the guy stayed silent as he let it fall apart, or any definitive answer.
We're only left with - men cheat, BUT we're also left with a good place to start our little list of why some men turn "cheater".
We're also closer to possibly figuring out which type of guy is more likely to stray from a relationship.
In my little world - based on my sometimes unusual thought process, there are two types of men here to look at:
The Cheaters - the guys who habitually cheat in their relationships. For there own reasons, committing to a woman is never enough. The character they've created for themselves or built from the moment they were turned on sexually is lacking in something. They have real "serious" issues and sleeping or cheating on a woman seems to be their all-be-it senseless solution to their problems.
The men who fight off becoming or turning into a cheater until something inside them decides once and for all - THEIR NEEDS are more important or outweigh the conscious thoughts that what they're about to do or did, will cause emotional harm onto the person they in some way promised to be faithful to and love.
Although it's not an average - most people don't stray far from their true character - but in severe cases it CAN and DOES happen.
Both men will have their reasons.
One group may or may not feel more guilty than the other. Whose to say if the man with the real issues isn't only out to harm himself in the process whereas the other guy might have pretended all along to be someone he is not.
Who is also to say how hard either group of men tried to stop it from happening. For some they probably didn't try at all - for the others - it could've been months or years of trying to make it all work before they either reverted to their old ways, or found a new way to deal with their problems.
My point is - say what you will about either group - which is better or worse - they BOTH made a CHOICE to CHEAT at some point when they could've easily decided to break it off FIRST and then go on a rebound "sex-escapade" (say that five times in a row) until they were left emotionally and sexually drained.
The reason you must know which type of guy you're dealing with is not so simple as it sounds.
Ask yourself which guy is more likely to stray from a relationship.
The answer seems clear, doesn't it? The cheater, right?
BUT it's not all black and white here my friend. It's really not.
Sometimes it's about opportunity. Put a cheater into a relationship and he'll cheat. It's expected of him. It stands to reason then (unless by some chance he's THAT good at fooling and lying to women - which he's not or else he probably wouldn't be getting caught all the time) take away the relationship and he's not a cheater anymore, is he?
He's just some dude who may or may not like to sleep around. The jury is still out because you have the added "danger" he might like or enjoy more than the actual sex part.
Put a guy in a situation where he feels hopeless or helpless - he'll be likely to cheat AND since it's not who he is deemed to be - he's the obvious choice to get into a relationship because he's trusted more than the cheater typically is.
Told you this is not black and white here.
So why does it help to know his type? (If it in reality it does help.)
Well you could just as easily NOT get into a relationship with a guy whose track record is less than admirable IF you know his type. That's certainly a well-known answer or reason UNLESS you're fooled into thinking he's someone he is not.
And what about the other type - you won't see it coming will you?
(Unless you just presume all men are cheaters but by acting that way, IF you're to get a guy, you'll actually be more likely to make it happen because of your attitude or prejudice about men.)
Just because he (the good guy) seems admirable and appears to be of high character in no way dictates how he will act under pressure or when he begins to feel unloved and helpless to change.
Knowing his TYPE in this case then could be assumed unhelpful in figuring out if he will stray from the relationship - especially considering relationships don't normally have a time frame. They either last forever - until death do you part - or they don't. The time at which the breakup happens is clearly an unknown factor.
Moving on now...
Figuring out of a guy is more or less likely to stray from a relationship is not an easy task.
Let's now focus on WHY MEN CHEAT and work backwards from there.
I've never been more thoroughly convinced on many things (or greatly influenced by another's opinion) in my life but this is one of those cases - because it makes sense based on my decades of knowledge and experience in dating and relationships.
The NUMBER ONE reason on why men cheat was written to me in an article by Mirabelle Summers.
Emotional Dissatisfaction and Disconnection.
"Assuming your man is basically a good person and not a garbage human, emotional dissatisfaction and disconnection.
And even though he’s a guy, he feels those things in just the same way that you do.
In other words – assuming that your man is basically a good person...
He probably cheated because he feels lonely and sad and unappreciated and undesired."
A guy is more likely (mind you I'm not using the word "will") stray from a relationship if he feels lonely, sad, unappreciated, undesired, lacks REAL intimacy, and on top of all that feels hopeless and helpless to change the situation for the better.
There are always clues. Lots of men will try and work it all out first. There are lots of red flags to look for when a man is "silently" crying for help.
That's a pretty big list of emotions a man has to wade through before he's sent into the arms of another woman.
Which is generally upheld or reinforced by the numbers above.
Younger men who get in relationships too quickly and are not ready are of course more likely to cheat BUT if they get past that initial relationship hump - the emotional build begins until he or the age of the relationship peaks out at a time where he is the MOST likely to cheat.
The longer he is unhappy, emotionally unsatisfied and, disconnected the likelihood of him cheating increased.
Now let's go through the rest of the list and see it where it takes us.
He's not sexually satisfied in the relationship.
Some men are not very good at communicating their feelings and if he is either afraid of telling you or doesn't know how - or is worried he'll upset you - you can expect (eventually) he's more likely to stray sexually.
Here's the thing though:
Most of the time feeling SEXUALLY UNSATISFIED is not the determining factor.
It's not the unhappy sex life which caused it - it's either his inability to communicate what he wants or what he feels like he's missing, or he's been made to feel like he can not open up to his partner without fear of recourse.
The sad truth then becomes - if both you and your partner struggle communicating with each other AND your sex life is not what it used to be or never was great - AND neither of you feel you can talk about sex openly and honestly - despite what appears to be a happy relationship - you just may find in these situations - he will be more likely to stray from the relationship and risk it all just for some great sex.
On to the next reason why he might stray....
He got into a relationship for security reasons.
He could have "mommy" issues and enters relationships because he needs or likes to be taken care of in ways which are not sexual.
He may choose you for mostly that reason and just takes the sex part is being part of the deal.
Since no man will ever feel fulfilled in a relationship like this - meaning he's isn't very complete or self-sufficient on his own - eventually it begins to feel like "something" is missing from the relationship.
AND he doesn't understand what it is.
The lack of understanding combined with treating you like a mother (to him) causes some issues or problems to be drawn out or played out in ways which go above and beyond what they are.
He may even feel a loss of freedom, respect, and like he's always being told what to do.
As he cycles through the emotions - unaware of his deep-rooted "mommy" issues he may look elsewhere for what he's missing - intimacy, respect, and independence.
If you get involved with a guy who has "mommy" issues - it's likely if things are not worked out and brought to the surface - the inevitable is a break up OR as noted above, when he begins to feel unloved, helpless, and with no one to turn to because sleeping with his Mother - he could be led astray.
If a man enters a relationship because he feels insecure and looks to you to satisfy the part of his life he's missing - it could lead him eventually cheat if the breakup fails to happen at the appropriate time.
Next reason for probable infidelity...
He felt pushed into a relationship too early and wasn't strong enough to say no or wait.
He did not have the confidence and strength to just say "no." He just went with it because he felt pressured or lacks the ability to confront those he disagrees with; in other words he's afraid of confrontation.
Some men are just plain weak when it comes to confronting or saying no to a woman. The will give in to the relationship over the result of losing his woman. He'll even enter a commitment like this just to keep her around.
A man like this has a problem with confrontation and lacks the strength of his own conviction.
Over time or during the course of the relationship if these issues are not handled AND he's put in a different situations (under many circumstance) where the OPTION to cheat is presented to him - because of his inability to say NO - it could all too easily lead him to stray.
This is a big one because you'll bound to run into a lot of guys like this - they're the instant relationship type and go from one to the next without a breath in between.
IF the guy you're dating is like this - be warned.
Something else happens here and it's when the woman pressures the man enough to go against his gut feelings.
When that happens he felt like he had no choice and therefore is not fully convinced that he's doing the right thing for him.
Getting himself into this situation makes the feeling of helplessness or hopelessness much greater and as noted above is a determining factor in turning a guy who might not ever be a cheater - into one.
He's immature, impulsive, and doesn't think things through.
Married too young was a big cause of breakups and therefore can also be a major cause of a guy becoming a cheater EXCEPT committing too early or too young is NOT always, if ever, the real reason why he might stray from the relationship.
The cause here is immaturity being IMPULSIVE, and not thinking things through well enough.
They are not grounds for cheating but you can certainly expect a man like this is MORE likely to cheat because of those reasons.
Now of course it's not guaranteed that a man like this will cheat, something else will have to push him towards infidelity.
It could be circumstance - as in this one - always being around women he finds attractive and are sexually attracted to him too AND being impulsive or not carefully thinking things through.
If could be things are seemingly going great but his immature actions keep putting him in situations that are unhealthy and destructive which slowly erodes the relationship.
As the relationship begins to fail - the once again helplessness or lack of sanctification or connection decreases - he finds himself in a bad place with another woman and acts impulsively and he cheats.
So... if you want to know if a guy is likely to stray - found out if he's any of these things because it's more likely to happen because of it.
The thrill of it all and the danger of not getting caught.
This one is not very common but it's here because some guys are like this.
If you're with a guy that likes to do edgy stuff you must assume cheating on you could be a major thrill for him OR amp up the sexual experience just enough to make him want to at least TRY.
I'm in no way saying that an active man who seeks danger is a cheater. Just because a man jumps off bridges or out of planes or does anything consistently dangerous does not make him a cheater.
What I am saying is: IF your sex life with him doesn't satisfy his need for adventure - it could send him astray looking for that extra thrill.
Chances are if he's this type and all his relationship and sexual needs are being met to the extremes he desires out of life - cheating on you will be far from his mind.
He has to be a notorious cheater in the first place AND/OR find himself in many of the other categories of dissatisfaction and feeling unconnected/unloved before his need for danger and thrill overrides his sense of moral character.
Moving on to the next reason a guy could stray.
He's out for revenge against you & thinks, believes, or feels you cheated on him first.
The sad part about this one is - it didn't even have to happen.
He only needs to believe he's been cheated on before considering doing the deed himself to get back at you.
AND his character must be at least close to the vengeful type before it happens.
In all honesty - most men who feel like you've been sleeping around won't take the revenge route. Partly because they refuse to lower themselves to what they believe is your low and partly because they just don't have it in them.
SO - he must have some sort of vengeful attitude towards the world on top of everything else.
He must be the blaming type - the guy who believes nothing is his fault - that the world is out to get him and sometimes - he'll do unspeakable acts at the same time excusing himself under the terms of JUSTICE.
The vindictive man is dangerously close to having an affair whether he has been cheated on or not.
Whatever his reasons for believing you're the cheater first - insecurity, jealousy, not feeling good enough, un-trusting of others, they all go hand in hand leading to the tactic of revenge cheating.
Next up down the cheater list...
He's looking for a way out of the relationship and won't or can't do it himself.
Trust there are groups of men, the number I'm not sure about, who will leave the break up to you.
They will do all sorts of things which causes fights and hurtful moments. They will act in ways to get you to hate them just enough to leave - leaving his conscious clear and his lack of conviction or balls set at standard sized of LOW.
Of course cheating on you might be the quickest most efficient way to a guaranteed break up and not's always the way.
Mostly it done with fighting, hurtful words, unwillingness to compromise or better the relationship under hard times.
The RARE few will resort to cheating as a preemptive to get you to break up with him so once again his CHARACTER and state of mind (helpless, weak, fear of confrontation) along with his constant negative thoughts about himself or badly he feels about himself is the factor that pushes a man to cheat so you'll break up with him.
There are many signs and tells a guy gives when he wants out of the relationship.
One of the biggest is an unwillingness (not based on righteous or a feeling of superiority - or to always be right) to work on the relationship so if you're in it with a guy who is acting this way AND the other criteria is satisfied - then you might have a guy who is more likely to stray from the relationship - just to get you to break up with him.
Going further down the cheating road...
He's a true, very real... Sexual Addict.
A most rare type of guy but it must be said.
If you know or have some sort of clue that he's a real sexual addict - then of course it's more likely you'll find him in bed with another woman and/or he's been cheating all along.
When the drive for sex or sexual conquests are combined with a very addictive personality along with issues of never feeling satisfied or full - can lead a man to a sexual addiction.
I'm no expert on this type of guy so that's just my quick assessment of why men behave this way.
Aside from that it's very safe to assume your husband or boyfriend is a sex addict - straying from the relationship sooner or later is practical guarantee.
Soon their addictive nature will lead them astray.
The next reason is not a myth although it's been blown out of proportion.
Because he can. Really, a man will cheat just because he can?
Yes, men do have this small instinctive drive to procreate with many different women.
Men, as part of being in the male species, do not have to invest as much as a woman when it comes to caring for the results. A child.
So in a way - us guys are "bred" to keep "giving."
But under the reason of because he can and "men being men" is NEVER good enough reason for a guy to cheat on a woman.
It only makes sense most men who feel more in tune with their desire to have sex more than the need to settle down and procreate won't find themselves in many relationship where they have to be committed anyways.
Sure - it happens - but it's not the norm.
What usually happens under the "because he can" is something most people overlook.
It's because when a guy "gets" with a woman his confidence rises. He feels more self-assured. He can suddenly feel like he's actually good with women.
This type of guy unknowingly is using his now present-experience with a woman to build his confidence and esteem - falsely, I might add.
Leading him to consider the facts when he feels two other things:
She got him. He wasn't that interested but went along with it anyways because he felt like he had or has no other choices or skills with women.
He starts to feel so good about himself he starts thinking, "If I can get her - maybe I can do better."
THEN he starts acting differently around other women. He starts to BELIEVE in himself. He acts in a more attractive way.
This inevitably leads to more flirting - more interactions - more women coming on to him putting him in a position which opens up the possibility of cheating.
If he's weak to resist - and usually a guy like this IS because it's what got him here in the first place - he's likely to stray and MORE likely to cheat if and when many other items listed today are happening and in place too.
Let wrap all this up...
There are many common items listed above to help you determine if the guy you're dating might cheat on you IF you find yourself in a relationship with him AND can also lead you to see if the guy you're in a relationship is more or less likely to stray from the commitment.
Aside from the commonalities found there's a pattern which almost always appears which pushes a man over the edge.
His CHARACTER comes first.
Here is a list of questions you NEED to know the answers to BEFORE you ever fully commit to a guy.
⇒ Is he impulsive? Doesn't always think too much before he acts. Is he the type to consider the implications or possible outcomes to his actions?
⇒ Does he have unrealistic expectations and finds himself let down all too often because of it?
⇒ Is his confidence real? Is his self-esteem matching yours? Is you using YOU to feel complete? Is he truly a secure person who believes in himself and his ability to have, hold, and keep a woman in his life?
⇒ Does he have an addictive personality? Are things just never enough for him? Does he always appear unsatisfied and looking for more when it's not healthy or necessary?
⇒ When things get tough, how does he act? Is he afraid of confrontation? Does he run from his problems? Does he act weak and helpless when he sees he doesn't have all the answers?
⇒ Does he tend to blame others more than himself? Does he take responsibility for his actions in life? Is he vindictive? Does he justify his negative actions as an excuse to reason out his taking of certain things or emotionally harming those he feels DESERVE it?
⇒ Is he easily influenced by others around him? Is he a "yes" man? Is he the type of guy who bends easily and prefers to conform rather than stand out and risk being different?
⇒ Does he go from one relationship to another with little or no breaks in between? Is he afraid of being single? Does he use relationships as a security blanket?
⇒ Does he have obvious "Mommy" issues and has little want or desire to take care of himself? Does he look to other all too often to fill that role?
Sure, it's a long list of questions to ask and there's more to - but ALL should be clear in your head at least competently BEFORE you commit.
His character will help you figure things out BUT as we covered long ago in the beginning it does NOT make him a cheater UNLESS he actually has already practiced consistent infidelity under normal relationship circumstances.
His character just gives you a starting point or a clue as to what COULD happen if the more important criteria is satisfied too.
Just because he might not be the greatest guy in the world does NOT mean he'll resort to cheating because that's not the way it works. It does NOT make him a bad guy just because he hasn't figured himself out or found a way to function in life.
As time goes on - as he wades through his emotions - something extreme must happen for a guy to either stray from his character or act from it in devious hurtful ways as in resorting to cheating on his partner.
He must begin to feel emotionally dissatisfied.
He must begin to feel unable to sort out or communicate how he's feeling to his partner.
He must begin to feel helpless and incapable of solving his problems on his own.
When a man (or anyone) experiences long bouts of loneliness, emotional despair, feeling unloved or undesirable, on top of the helplessness or hopelessness AND no means or skills to communicate it all out, it becomes more of a survival instinct to solve the problems being experienced.
As in most cases about - a man is driven to cheat for reasons that either coincides with his character or taken to extreme has him acting outside of his natural state of being.
Trust I am NOT excusing men for cheating on women just the same as I'm not excusing women who cheat on their partner.
Merely advocating HOW and WHY it happens and how so much of it can be avoided. (Not entirely because things happen regardless - just ways to assure it's likeliness is far below it's inevitability.)
We went very deep into a man's life and mind and what drives him one way or another... to cheat or not to cheat and beyond.
We also explored many questions you MUST find the answers to IF you're to fully commit to a guy.
I realize it's not an easy task. You can't just hand over the list to him and tell him to write down the answers on the first few dates or have him do it before you say yes to his marriage proposal.
But there IS another way.
Statistics have proven without a doubt a very real percentages of marriages FAIL.
The number doesn't includes other relationships so I'm positive the number skyrockets when you add boyfriend and girlfriend break ups to the list.
This tells me most men and women get into relationships without the right tools, skills, knowledge, qualifying techniques, or personal commitment to themselves first.
They also don't date enough people first to learn fully about their dates characters and to establish a healthy open line of communication.
There are two important overlooked concepts or ideas of dating which lead me to believe without them - way too many relationships are doomed to fail or be left unproductive and unhealthy for way too long; which in turn causes a lot of undue suffering on both the man and the woman.
Rori advocates that a woman must date many guys in circular fashion as she writes about in her article:
You need to make time to truly get to know the guy you're dating - inside and out BEFORE you make the final judgement call of commitment.
AND it must be done in a way that is attractive to the man and draws him in closer to you.
The other is called Finding Keepers by Dr. Randi Gunther.
Whereas I quickly came up with a list off the top of my head on how to check a man's character - D. Randi breaks it all down to as quoted,
"12 personal characteristics that reliably predict long-term relationship happiness."
All twelve being meant for you and the guy and how they're compatible or not with each other.
My point about all this cheating stuff we've covered and gone over is that I firmly believe a lot of it is AVOIDABLE. It's an unnecessary part of life causing way too many problems, hurt feelings, limited beliefs, and painful break ups.
I'm not saying it's entirely avoidable, that would be absurd to say - just how with a little knowledge, the right skills, better communication habits, and the ability to qualify the right person - it doesn't always have to happen.
AND by following some simple advice:
Don't commit until you're both ready. Don't commit just for love. Don't commit because there's strong sexual chemistry. Don't commit just because you connect with someone.
Go further in your dating. Explore each other well enough that you're beyond positive about each other.
There's plenty of great solid proven advice out there to help you through each and every stage of dating, commitment, relationships, communication, and marriage too.
You need to know WHO the guy you're dating really is and if you're compatible on many levels.
Save yourself from possibly being cheated on and hurt - while you're go through each section, DATE as much as you like and more!
Explore as many men as possible.
Become an expert in men.
Explore yourself and make sure you're ready too.
Become an expert of yourself.
Try the magic of circular dating and set you and your life up so the perfect guy for you happens naturally.
This is not a program about cheating men and what to do about him or them.
You've learned so much about infidelity today and there's no need to go further unless it's something you truly feel is necessary.
Now that you know how it works, why men cheat, and how a man of seemingly high character (or not) can become a cheater - your focus should be on YOU and finding the right guy to avoid all the heartache of infidelity.
The first section of Rori's program is about you - becoming the prize. The second is about determining what you need. The third is about drawing the right man in. The fourth is about dating do's and don'ts and how to use circular dating for the best results. The fifth is how to use dating as a form of free therapy.
She has a free newsletter you sign up to right here and she'll gladly pass along some of her proven techniques to you for free.
This certainly concludes today's lesson about why men cheat.
I sincerely hope you've learned more today than you expected and you've taken it all in a way which is helpful to you.
Hopefully with today's article you're closer to understanding men, why they cheat, how they come to be cheaters, and how infidelity really happens.
AND because of that you're closer to never being cheated on or closer to moving if a man you're seeing strayed from the relationship ending it all.