"Just read this article Do You Only Attract Loser Men? Here’s Why & How You Can Stop It and think it raises some good points but what about women who have healthy self esteem but still end up dating losers?
I’m really happy with myself and when I realize a guy doesn’t have much to offer I’ll walk. It just seems the older and more grounded I get, the more flaky and emotionally unstable the men I meet are.
I definitely agree that they are attracted to me partly because they think I will boost their self esteem but realize they have very little to offer.
I’ve met most of these guys online ( Tinder is toxic stay away) but other than that I rarely meet guys out and about.
Any advice? Thanks!"
This is a good thing, right? I'm not talking dating losers but the fact that as you're growing older, you're learning how to spot these emotionally unstable men much easier.
In today's post I'll get into all your answers and give you some important questions to ask yourself which will definitely help you meeting more mature and stable men.
The problem of a woman with a healthy self-esteem ending up dating losers comes down to a few things:
First, making bad choices in the beginning of dating men. Maybe you're looking too much into the superficial offerings of a guy as a basis for getting to know them.
I’m sure that happens but I’d say it’s more about a second reason:
People with high self-esteem might feel a need to bring others up to their status or leve, thinking they can change someone, thinking they’ll work through their problems eventually, and as you said, you only end up giving “that” guy a false sense of confidence which will never last.
So I would first look at your criteria for choosing to date a guy, even if it’s just one date.
Then I would look into a possible need you might feel to help or change others by offering them something better, which would you.
I think you’ll find lots of other women do this too.
They, out of a habit or a need to be the nurturer find themselves more attracted and more likely to offer a date to a guy who might not show the need for it at first, but eventually, does.
Meaning your instinctual urge to be a nurturer may be pointing you in the wrong direction.
Start looking for guys who appear at every angle to have their shit together.
Every last detail.
Don’t over scrutinize or judge harshly, just learn how to spot more early signs to clue you in on what you might be in for BEFORE you even accept a date.
Also, being flaky is not really uncommon.
All people struggle balancing life and some of us get sucked down the wrong road way too often and our minds just avoids having to deal with it all by losing some memories.
You could easily overlook this problem IF it’s just a matter of his lack of focus sometimes AND/OR by not taking it so personal.
Now and this is the part everyone should take note too...
You’ll find “the emotionally unstable guys” tend to be a little more interesting at first... generally speaking of course.
It feels to you as if he’s just a passionate guy who cares and those thought can suck you into his drama quickly.
After all, you might want a guy who is not afraid to show his emotions because it feels like he will open up to and show them towards you.
Everything seems to go great until you get sucked into his drama of past girlfriends and limiting often painful doubts about himself.
To avoid them altogether, you need to use different guidelines or qualification techniques towards the men you choose to date.
Evan Marc Katz, a brilliant upfront dating coach for women often talks about how instant chemistry with a guy might be pulling women in the wrong direction and I believe and trust his observation is correct.
Here are a few articles he's allowed me to post:
- Do You Want to Learn the Secret to Keeping a Man Interested in You?
- Why Men Don’t Want to Go Out With You Again
- How to Keep Momentum Alive With the New Guy You’re Dating
- The Secret to Keeping a Man: Forget the Future, Enjoy the Present
- How to Keep Momentum Alive With the New Guy You’re Dating
By the way - as for your perfect realization of the type of men you will meet on Tinder and how toxic it can be - Evan's first coaching was done with helping women meet some great men online.
He covers it all and I strongly suggest that any woman who is dating online to get some real advice, help, and strategies - it's always worth the extra work and money for reasons you can read about from Evan himself:
The Secret to Online Dating - Attracting More Men, Higher Quality Men,
and Making Them Do What You Want - Finding the One Online
A guy shows you some passion and you hit it off together with lots of fun flirting. Since it feels so amazing to connect with him on that level, you might overlook the choice you made.
However, when you overlook certain things based on instant chemistry and a high spark which everyone knows can not last, it might be too late because...
You've already made a possible bad decision as your emotions are now in complete control of the actions and steps you're going to take dating him.
Sure, feelings DO matter and they always will, but unless you learn how to take a step back and objectify what is really going, the line is crossed. The investment you've made will tend to make you keep pushing... just in case.
Which is regardless of if he's "loser" or so emotionally unstable.
You must ALLOW yourself to consider a certain amount of objectivity when dating a man so your instant emotions don't take over all your decisions.
This lightly touches upon my article on instant or impulsive buying your way into relationships:
I get what you might be thinking now... as we've ALL been there before.
Should you date a guy where there's no fire, no sexual tension, or chemical sparks flying?
Should you give a guy who is not doing it for you a few more dates, even though he appears to be the most stable and ready for a relationship?
Here's a great answer from the equally brilliant Rori Raye,
Break The Patterns Of Your Past and Find True Love.
If you’ve been making bad choices in your love life until now – if you’ve had your heart broken too often or you seem to pick the same kind of men who aren’t good for you – then you need to let a man grow on you in a different way.
You need to learn to feel the pleasure of being loved and appreciated by a good man.
And the only way to do that is to push yourself past your usual comfort zones and give different kinds of guys a chance – namely, the men who are pursuing you.
I find lots of women tend to go right for the fire or sparks, and then tend to get too deep and struggle getting out because of it.
Sure, go with your heart in the end, but don’t base your choices on just chemistry or emotional highs.
Seek a slow steady rise of sexual tension (or things like that) and if it doesn’t happen, who knows, maybe he'd make a great friend anyways, OR in the very least - you're going to learn something about you and men too.
Remember, a good thrilling ride NEVER starts you from the top.
They slowly push you forward (and up) and while that is happening is when your mind is free to think, wonder, imagine, and build up huge amounts of amazing tension.
The first exhale comes after, spins you around, slows you down, and then gets you ready to do it all over again.
The right rides means you never want to get off and neither will he.
Keeping in mind this is not a reason to stay close or near anyone who is causing emotional or physical harm.
Aside from that...
Consider what I've written today and ask yourself some very important questions to help you become more objective in your dating life?
Is your need to nurture sending you in the wrong direction or overriding your common sense in dating men?
Being a nurturer is a great trait to have and treasure. Men respond favorably to women who are good a it however - you must not let it lower your standards or expectations of finding a man who can take care of himself.
Do you have a need to control everything or a desire to change the people around you for the better?
A need to control more than what is necessary coupled with a desire to bring those around you "up" to your level makes it much more likely you'll find yourself with a man who has too many insecurities.
Do you give guys too much credit at first because you like to believe that within us all is the power to change?
You see the positive in others and being supportive is a wonderful attractive trait, however when your happiness starts to depend or is tied to someone else changing and your ability to change (him) you'll end up with a far worse internal and very personal problem... Especially when things don't go the way you expect.
Is your criteria for accepting a date based on actual details a man shows you which proves how he values himself OR do you sometimes overlook those things?
Not counting his words, a man will in many ways display traits which proves he has a high healthy value of himself. If this is not one of the many traits you look for in deciding to date a man, could lead you to date a man with low self-esteem.
Do you find yourself going for the fire and sparks over a slowly steady rise in your life and in the men you choose to date further?
As covered above - Early sparks and seemingly instant chemistry make for an amazing time with a man, they tend to fizzle out just as quickly and often bring couples together long before building a solid foundation which is needed for a relationship.
Do you let the chemistry make the choice for you, and/or in many circumstances of your life always act first and then question the results later?
Spontaneity has its place, however if you find yourself constantly leaping first before thinking about the results of your actions - this can and will often happen in dating men too.
Some things in life require more research, time, and special thinking before the next step is taken. Otherwise you may continually find yourself too deep in circumstances not only hard to get out of, but emotionally and sometimes physically harmful.
Do you find yourself in the same position over and over again because you fail to find a way to just step back and objectify, when you're about to do the same thing again?
Being objective and noticing patterns in our everyday life is key to success in relationships and our happiness too.
If you consistently find yourself making the same mistakes and repeating patterns in your life, and not many of them are helpful - you'll also find it increasingly difficult to be objective in a healthy productive way.
All are great questions and I hope your answers will help you to meet men with value, integrity, character, a healthy balance, emotional stability, AND of course enjoy a longer lasting connection.