There's this woman I once knew before I got happily married. I only ever wanted to sleep with her. I understand that sounds like a typical guy thing but there's always more to it as there was with me, and lots of men too.
If a guy is physically attracted to a woman and decides she's not relationship type to him, then he might opt for something less. Regardless of how he handles it, goes through it, tries hard to make it happen, or doesn't even bother - committing to her is just not going to happen because of what he sees and experiences with her.
In today's post we're going to explore why guys decide or how they determine if a woman is a "relationship" type or not. Then I'll show you how it all can be easily fixed or slightly changed so guys will only ever see you as the type of women one would happily commit to.
You might not be making any or all of these mistakes, you might not be conveying everything here to men, but what listed here is critical to long-term dating a guy, and will help you understand a man's mind so much clearer.
Please keep in mind my intent is not to single her out or knock her down. I'm not "above" all this, that's for sure. I have a list of "wrongs" I do too which I do work on.
If you're not aware you're doing these things - you can be holding yourself back from finding the love of your life, and enjoying every happy moment a relationship can bring to you.
That's usually how it works.
We live day to day and sometimes we fall into ruts or habits which hold us back, and we're not made aware of them.
It's all too often terribly hard to see the proverbial "forest from the trees".
I'm hoping this gives you a glimpse from above those trees, from outside yourself, from another who DOES want you to succeed even if it means showing you the BAD...
AND to avoid having yet another guy enter your life that may only be looking for sex from you.
I'll explain WHY the woman I mentioned above would've only ever been a sexual partner, if that, how others can be doing the same, and then how it can all be changed for the better.
The Six Reasons Why Guys Don't See a Certain Woman As a Relationship Type:
- Very negative.
- Completely self-involved.
- Emotionally greedy.
- Extremely superficial.
- Acts like a dude.
- In a constant state of validation.
She's entirely too negative.
Everything that came out of her mouth was bitchy, whiny, or complaining about something AND how the world's against her.
It's her against everyone else and she feels she got the short of the stick.
Hey, I understand we all suffer, some more than others, and it's good to be able to get it off our chest.
Well ALL want someone close we can vent to and let off some steam without being judged or without someone trying to fix it.
BUT if you're single, can not find a good guy, have no luck with men... AND your first thought about most things outside yourself is a negative pessimistic attitude, it's an unfortunate thing, but lots of great guys will NEVER see you as someone to seek out for a relationship.
They may settle for the sex and "deal" with the rest for a while but chances are: That is all you're ever going to get unless something changes.
"Watch your thoughts; they become words.
Watch your words; they become actions.
Watch your actions; they become habit.
Watch your habits; they become character.
Watch your character; it becomes your destiny.”
She's way too self-involved.
It's ALL about her. Her problems. Her life. What SHE wants to do.
Sit with her for a few minutes and it becomes a "Me me me me me!" fest and it felt like it would never end.
We need to be selfish a little. It's a good thing to focus on ourselves.
BUT when it transcends to ME and how the world is supposed to revolve around you - it will push many of women friends AND men far away.
Not many (people) want to be "involved" or are willing to get close to someone who lives in a "ME! It's all about me!" world.
I believe EVERYONE already knows that too but sometimes, it's hard to tell that we are doing it.
She's entirely too emotionally greedy.
That's a tough set of words for most because we often assume "greed" is only related to money but it goes like this:
When someone is emotionally greedy they tend to based their own self-worth on how others see them.
They're overly nice so they can label themselves as being "better" than others, and act as a martyr just not in the religious context.
They'll use their niceness as reasoning or an excuse that it SHOULD also grant them certain rights over others.
They'll use the "martyr" complex to extort or GET things from others AND to make them feel superior to because, "They've given up SO much and YOU should be grateful and happy for them."
We've ALL met someone like this in our lives.
An emotionally greedy person doesn't equate to being in relationships because they're often approval seekers, selfish, act like a victim when they're clearly not, and EXPECT their partner to constantly uphold or align with their beliefs.
Which is why - even if they are fortunate enough to get in a relationship, it crashes quickly and wears the other person out.
Any guy who is aware enough to figure that out early will avoid committing and whereas sex may be on the table, it's takes a guy to forget about or not care about the consequences of his sexual actions to look past it all for some fun in the bedroom.
Meaning - if you're emotionally greedy and you're dating a guy who is in the very least, confident and seemingly string - chances are you are being used for sex.
She's extremely superficial.
Once again, we all have superficial tendencies and although it creates a world which is not as good as it can be because of that - when it crosses the line to superficiality in men, goods, and monetary acquisitions it can easily become a stumbling block to finding and entering a great relationship.
Being superficial in this context of "not relationship type" often involves a woman who WANTS, NEEDS, and DEMANDS to be showered with gifts in the courting process - in order for a guy to prove his love or affection.
It also crosses over into the MEN she seeks to date.
The words she uses to describe her perfect mate are often non-negotiable and strictly surface based:
Height. Career. Clothing. Wealth. Status.Etc...
It's more than okay to have preferences and to seek a perfect mate, BUT when the superficial items listed are often used as a deal breakers with ANY guy, no matter HOW he makes her feel, and she overlooks any man who doesn't tick all those boxes - It's a guarantee she often finds herself in abusive relationships - being used sexually, and complaining that most "nice good guys" don't ever seem to want to date her long-term.
She "acts" like a dude.
This one is rather interesting one because in most circumstances - taking on the masculine role is not a good thing but it generally taking on the role of the guy by pursuing, taking the lead, and courting.
In her case - so it's something look out for - it simply means she was acting like a guy as it relates to her words and the way she portrays men or talks about them.
Women (generally) assume most men are into looks and physical attraction.
AND that's all men got from her - like she was treating men like sexual objects and nothing more.
She talked about the guys she thought was hot, what guy had the best tattoos or the best ass, who she'd sleep with that was famous, rich, or could offer her the most "luxurious" lifestyle.
It may go without saying but ACTING like a dude will assure not many men want or care to enter a relationship with you, but you'll easily find "those" types are willing to sleep with you and keep you around just long enough until a more "feminine" woman comes along.
She's in a constant state of validation.
This woman was without a doubt physically attractive and lots of different types of men would agree, including her.
However you could always sense, just by talking to her, that she didn't believe it herself all that much. It was an act - a false display of confidence.
In her mind she would only ever seen her flaws or give herself lots of reasons or excuses to not be attractive to men.
Which is an obvious problem for lots of people however through her actions...
She was always searching for a way to validate her beauty by the guys she would date or supposedly fall in love with.
She constantly needed to prove to herself of her beauty which meant sleeping with "good looking" guys who had slept with lots of women she thought were attractive, AND it also meant forever chasing or pining over guys who were already with a woman she found attractive.
This need for validation, although lies under the radar or goes unnoticed by lots of guys - does NOT go undetected by the better men who see clearly what she's doing, and why she's doing it too...
Making her NOT relationship type for a man of high self-esteem.
You CAN Begin to Change Each & Everyone One of Them Starting TODAY!
Whereas there are literally thousands of advice pages to help you become a more positive person, they all will inevitably tell you the same thing:
Being positive is simply adopting a mindset that first allows you to see the good in EVERYTHING and then by continually going there over a period of time, WILL make it become your natural thought process.
Being and become a more positive person starts with changing HOW you SEE opportunity and SUCCESS in the challenges and failures you meet everyday.
"A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty."
Changing "self-involved" to just being involved.
This one could take some internal work to remove the over self-involvement but a few quick fixes can and will happen by learning how to communicate with men in a different way.
Here are some quick pointers and the full list is here:
- ACTIVELY LISTENING to what the other person is saying AND feeling.
- Showing a real GENUINE interest in what they’re saying or the feelings they’re trying to communicate to you in any given moment.
- It’s YOUR responsibility to find a genuine interest in what the other person is saying to you IF you want to communicate effectively and create attraction with them and others too.
- Engage or interact with them in a way which is interesting and fun with regards to the context of the conversation.
- GIVE them something rather than trying to GET something from them.
This is where you can read a detailed explanation of each one:
He (or men you're dating) WILL find out about you and your personal details as you go through the process.
If you find yourself always going into too much about yourself, remember this:
You're job is not talk about yourself so much as it is to ENCOURAGE him to talk about himself.
"When you’re on a date, it’s natural to want to show him what a great catch you are.
You might feel the need to pepper the conversation with witty remarks, or tell him about all the amazing things you’ve accomplished, or jump in and fill the silence when there’s a lull in the conversation.
But doing this can actually keep a man from wanting to see you again…and keep you from seeing whether he’s a good partner for you to begin with.
That’s because when you’re doing the above behaviors, you’re actually working too hard to get him to like you."
Eliminating the need to be emotionally greedy.
As stated above - emotionally greedy people often have two major issues to deal with:
- They are approval seekers who often based their identity on how others see or judge them.
- They feel like they deserve certain things from other because they're overly nice and play by the rules AND expects others to do the same.
The "general" area which must be explored to eliminate this problem is your SELF-ESTEEM.
There are some quick fixes which can help you get by, but building esteem is a long-term commitment.
I started my research on self-esteem from the number one guy in the field, Nathaniel Branden, by reading this book:
It's more of an informational book but he did write this one so you can work at it yourself:
If you're looking for something more closely related to men, dating, and relationships, Katie & Guy Hendricks are two of the best out there:
The Learning To Love Yourself Special Bundle will help you learn the process by which you will free yourself of feelings of chronic dissatisfaction, will increase your self-esteem, and will allow you to feel at peace with your life and love.
Removing superficiality without lowering your standards.
Nobody who has any real advice to give would ask you to lower your standards, however you MUST look at your dating criteria a little closer than you may have refused to do in the past.
EVERYONE wants to meet, find, and got into a relationship with the perfect partner for them and that's a good thing.
BUT when you being to limit your choices by making snap judgments, not giving certain guys a chance over superficial reasons, and your overall attitude towards them are close to: one mistake and I'm done with him - then you WILL limits your choices - you will appear superficial, and you'll push a lots of good men with reasonable intentions away.
"It’s all too easy to decide a certain man isn’t for you – we make such quick judgments from those first impressions. You might think that there’s plenty of choices which means you shouldn’t have to settle for someone who doesn’t measure up.
But giving a man a chance isn’t settling – it’s opening yourself up to the man who is ultimately right for you.
Making Snap Judgments Means You Could Miss Your Mr. Right."
I would suggest you quickly write down the qualities you're looking for in a man and honestly decide which ones may be a little too surface based and which ones are good for you and him.
This will help you see where you're at with regards to this problem, and from there you can ultimately decide if this is a problem of yours that needs to be changed... IF you want to be considered a "relationship" type of woman.
Eliminating the masculine edge and adding more feminine traits.
You might not like "act" like a dude but if you have too many masculine traits that are being used to attract men, you're taking away HIS role in progressing to a relationship. Guys will be turned off and just settle for something less than a commitment with you.
Doing what the "not-relationship-type" woman did above is not too common in women except for a certain age group, BUT anything that takes on the masculine role in dating can be seen that way so it's best just to address this issue.
Rori Raye describes it perfectly in her Modern Siren – Tap Into Your Feminine Power program, when she says it's the magic combination of strong on the inside and soft on the outside that compels a man to want to risk everything just to with you and keep you too.
If you find yourself taking the lead too much - doing instead of being - trying to connect with men in the wrong ways pointed out by Rori here: The Right & Wrong Ways To Try and Connect With A Man AND/OR you pursue or chase men way too much, then definitely consider using her program so you can start using your feminine power to attract men who WILL see you as a "relationship type" of woman:
Avoiding being in a constant state of validation.
Here's a great snippet from an email by Carlos Cavallo - producer of lots of great material for women such as Irresistible Desire, The Cupid Effect, The Connection Code, Passion Phrases, and The Soulmate Signal:
"Part of our needs as humans is to get validation along the way to assure us and make us feel approved of.
We sought this validation and approval from our parents and peers when we were children, and we never really let go of that need when we had to "grow up."
Limit the amount of approval you need from other people. You can't worry too much about what other people think about you.
It's easy to go through life seeking approval and never really accomplish anything because you're trying to please everyone.
You can't, and it's a belief that you must leave behind.
(Willie Loman in "Death of a Salesman" fails to achieve for this same reason. He thinks it's better to be liked that to achieve worthwhile goals.)
What this means for you in dating is that you need to be able to communicate, through subtle and not-so-subtle methods, that you do not need his approval. A man will not feel attracted to a woman if he feels he has power over her sense of self-esteem.
How do you communicate this?
One way is to find and pursue your own personal interests. This can be as simple as a hobby or a sport interest, like swimming or weight training.
The best way you can demonstrate your independence is to have goals outside of a relationship. Having a personal direction or mission is immensely attractive. It shows men that you have a life outside of pursuing them. Hint at a depth they need to explore.
The more you seek approval and validation, the more it will elude you."
You can clearly see this is not just a woman's thing - it's inherently a human condition and it's a BIG one.
The woman I met used validation as a means to prove to herself she was good enough enough, and by doing so only set herself up to be used by men who will only tell her what she wants to hear - just long enough to get sexual with her in a way that never built into a relationship.
For guys - over and unhealthy validation is extremely unattractive and for some women too, BUT the bigger problem for women is because it opens you up to be used - which is something I know you do NOT ever want or seek out.
Since this IS a human thing - you will ALWAYS seek some sort of validation, so please don't try or think you can eliminate it all.
However, when it crosses over to basing your own self-worth on others, worrying too much of how others see you, and it's minimizing or destroying your self-esteem, then it MUST be addressed to solve this "being a relationship-type of woman" problem you're experiencing.
You can look into the recommendations above to help you get through it all:
Despite an all too common myth about men - they DO want a relationship and a good one at that, which also means they DO separate women into two categories:
- The relationship type who is actively pursued for something long-term.
- The non-relationship type - where sex is accepted even with some strings attached, but rarely turns into something more and is more open to be used. (Sometimes depending on the type of guy.)
There are endless ways for guys to see you as a "relationship" type of woman but there are also many ways in which guys will have a tendency to never want to commit.
The non-relationship ones were listed here today to point out some severe ones that are not missed by many good men:
- Overly and consistently negative.
- Self-involved and unwilling to look past oneself.
- Emotionally greedy.
- Extremely superficial.
- Appearing like a man and/or taking on too many masculines roles which are reserved for men.
- A constant need to be validated... or else.
ALL of which can be changed or overcome to assure the right man for you will step up, take the lead, and make a commitment to you.
- What Guy Doesn’t Want A Really Cool Girlfriend, Why and How To Be Her
- What Guys Think When They Meet An Attractive Woman Who Is Still Single
- How You Can Get Men To Fall For You Easily & Get Lots Of Male Admirers
- The Top Ten Things That Guys Are Attracted To and Why
- When He Doesn’t Want to Be Tied Down But Is Physically Attracted To You