What Guy Doesn’t Want A Really Cool Girlfriend, Why & How To Be Her

Cool Girlfriend Splashing Water

In the "land of man" there stands the ultimate prized woman: The Cool Girlfriend. She's sought out, searched, and wanted by young and older men alike. Today's post will show why guys want a cool woman, why it's so appealing to them, and a little on how you can become the coolest he's ever met.

Not too long ago I gave 326 men a survey asking them to describe their perfect woman and in the PERSONALITY question, it's no surprise that being COOL came up third receiving 18% of the votes.

  1.  Funny: 240 Votes             26%
  2.  Confident: 192 Votes       21%
  3.  Cool: 169 Votes                 18%
  4.  Flirty: 129 Votes               14%
  5.  Nerdish: 93 Votes            10%
  6.  Serious: 48 Votes              5%
  7.  Over the top: 16 Votes      1%
  8.  Demanding: 13 Votes        1%
  9.  In your face: 13 Votes        1%

Total Votes: 913    (Several choices were allowed.)

20 Question & Answer Survey Designed To Show A Guy’s Perfect Woman

One could also argue their selections of funny and confident which were the top two are merely traits you find in a cool woman, making the results even more proof what men want in a woman's personality.

What does make a woman cool to a guy?

Easy to talk to.

He doesn't feel like he has to carry the conversation all the time. She doesn't take offense easy to everything he says and most importantly - she isn't judgmental and argumentative all the time.

Slightly adventurous. 

She isn't afraid to swing on the swings once in a while. She also isn't afraid of doing things which may seem beneath the less cooler women. She's up for new things and isn't stuck doing the same old - same old.

She has a relaxed (down to earth) attitude about life.

She doesn't take everything so serious. She's confident and secure in herself enough to handle the little things. She isn't blowing up every little thing out of proportion. She's laid back and easy to get along with.

She can get jealous but only occasionally.

She's not overly protective. She knows when and how to fight for her man BUT she isn't accusing every other woman or her man of trying to cheat or be stolen from her.

She's daring enough to try new things.

She isn't stuck in too much complacency. She doesn't put her nose up when you want her to try something new. In fact - SHE might be the one pushing HIM to get out and do something different once in a while.

She actually ENJOYS having fun.

She knows how and when to play and can laugh about it all. She's not so self-conscious or worried about what other people think of her which frees her up to just BE herself regardless of who might be watching.

She knows when to dress up and when not to.

You won't be left waiting an hour for her to get ready when you're just going to the market. Again, she's not overly concerned about what people think of her.

She has a remarkable, clever, and witty sense of humor.

Not just for herself but she's able to recognize and connect with others in a funny way which doesn't include the degradation or putting down of others.

Social media does NOT run her life.

Her life doesn't revolve around her media accounts and if she uses them a lot, she's drama free about it can take things for what the are without blowing it all up all the time.

She doesn't make, take, or accept invaluable wastes of her time.

She lives with purpose no matter what that purpose is within reason. She's doesn't explode or implode when things go wrong with her purpose. She of course can fall apart occasionally as we all do but it's not a daily thing.

She's not manipulative or into playing social games of any type.

You won't find her trying to one up every one else by gaming the system in her favor. She works hard, diligently, respectfully, and is less concerned with what angle she can come at to better her position with little regard for those she hurts.

She doesn't play the blame game.

She takes responsibility in her life and doesn't simply blame every one else for her own problems. It can happen once in while but it's not part of her core character to excuse her actions based on blaming others when life doesn't go as planned.

She's in a PRESENT state of mind.

She doesn't live in the what if world too often and she certainly isn't stuck in the past. She maintains a balance which lets you know - when she's with you - she's not thinking about something else all the time.

Why do guys want a cool girlfriend?

The fact remains that men want a woman who is REAL - inside and out.

When they're with her they feel more free to be themselves and to them it feels like she's going to like them for who they are regardless of his little flaws.

Cool to a guy represents a woman who is EASY to get along with, relatively drama free, and isn't too caught up in the "junk" the world tends to give.

In my younger days I wrote a rather unique definition of how to be cool or what it takes be that way. I believe the reasoning I came up with certainly explains why guys attracted to and want a cool girlfriend.

I don't recall exactly how it went but it did have these elements:

  • High and stable self-esteem.
  • A reasonable and  real confidence.
  • And a mild case of healthy indifference.

Those three traits are not only the marks of an attractive person but also set someone up to live in the moment more often - and being in a present state of mind as often as possible is definitely seen as being a COOL person.

All that is quite basic but I'm not into the basics too often here at why do guys so let me see if I can dig a little deeper.

Men NEED a CHALLENGE to feel the most attraction towards a woman and it must be felt in the right way. Games don't normally count or have the same lasting effect.

To value and believe that he has real feelings for her he must work for her in an attractive way which is brought out in him through the challenge.

A woman who is considered COOL has an advantage in this area because the challenge she naturally offers a man is not hindered or obstructed in other ways it would be in a not-so-cool woman.

For example:

Take a woman who is not so blessed in the sense of humor department.  I know - rare, but stay with me. You're bound to find a guy who is interested in attracting her despite this inability and he just might focus too much on making her laugh.

The challenge presented to him will not be an attractive one because it can feel like all he's trying to do is "fix" her sense of humor thus negating the effect of the challenge.

My point is:

If all or many of the items listed above are presented to a man - it frees him up to be naturally challenged in other ways which will drive his attraction higher and allow him to believe he has to work for her - therefore build her value in his eyes.

REAL challenges encourages a man to pursue a woman and not change her.

The less a man has to work around those items the more inclined he will be to enjoy the moments and connections made together once again - freeing him to be more open, value her more, and become naturally attracted to her.

It's apparent men are well aware of the freedom and attraction a cool girlfriend has to offer which draws him to her... subconsciously or just a feeling they get around her.

How do you become a cool girlfriend?

I'd say it's more important just to be a cool woman and the becoming a girlfriend will take care of itself - for the most part.

The list above says it all.

  • Easy to talk to.
  • Slightly adventurous.
  • A relaxed (down to earth) attitude about life.
  • Maintain your jealousy.
  • Don't be afraid to always try new things.
  • Have fun no matter what you're doing.
  • Don't always feel like you have to look perfect.
  • Have a remarkable, clever, and witty sense of humor.
  • Don't let Social media dictate your life.
  • She doesn't make, take, or accept invaluable wastes of her time.
  • Don't be manipulative or into playing social games of any type.
  • Try not to play the blame game when things don't go your way.
  • Be in a PRESENT state of mind as often as you can.

Yes, I know... ALL of THAT?

Granted the list is quite extensive BUT I'm sure you do plenty of them already there which only leaves a few to work on.

Most are what is called inner game elements and the others are about communication or how you communicate to men.

The difficult part in figuring out how to make it happen is knowing which inner game stuff automatically and indirectly fixes them for you.

For example:

In Christian Carter's Ready For Love he talks about banishing your internal fears and insecurities.

Your insecurities will cause you to feel and act more jealous than necessary. A little is good but a lot definitely pushes good men away.

Your internal fears will cause you to over-think too much and become overly self-conscious. This will limit your ability to live in the present, make solid decisions, stop you from enjoying life to the fullest, curtail your  adventurous side, and much more.

He also mentions anxiety and out of control emotions. Both will also stop you from being the coolest woman a guy has ever met. Your anxieties will control your actions and your emotions will cause you to do things that literally scare men away.

It's clear many of those items listed (because I'm not going into all them) can be easily fixed, solved, or made less effective in your life by digging deep and removing those few things which are holding you back... from being cool.

  • Internal fears.
  • Insecurities.
  • Overly self-conscious.
  • Self-analyzing through self-deprecation.
  • Over thinking too much.
  • Anxiety from all directions.
  • Out of control emotions.

My advice is to not worry about the list above too much and focus on the key items which stop you from being everything on that list naturally.

From there - it's simply a matter of communicating YOURSELF to guys in the most attractive way you can which in turn naturally helps you weed out the wrong guys for you and brings the right man closer to you.

It's a great system and it WORKS amazing well.

Try it - you'll love it.


Don't let the myths about men fool you into believe men are all about looks. They're just  not entirely true.

You can read my reasoning in this post: Are Guys Really Only Attracted To Looks Or A Sexy Body? and come back here when you're done.

Looks are unreliable and not the way to connect with a man if you want something long-term or more substantial anyways.

With that said - your personality and HOW you connect with men can create lots of real and longer-lasting attraction.  Based on today's post, my experience being a man, and the small survey I had guys take, it's clear BEING COOL is definitely a great way to a man's heart.


Photo: Leah Kelley

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This article was posted in What Guys Want From Women – Their Likes & What They Look For In You

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5 comments… add one
  • Lindsey Nutsch

    This truly is an awesome website 🙂

    I would definitely put myself in the “cool girl” category too. There is a guy I have been pursuing lately who is quite a bit older than me. I am 28 and he is 36. He took me on the coolest dates at first, like roller skating, for example, and after we had sex a few times he kinda ghosted out on me. I finally brought up the conversation every man loves to avoid as long as possible: relationship status (and not for stupid Facebook). He said friends was fine and it was up to me if I wanted FWBs. But he didn’t talk to me like a regular friend.

    I once crashed my bike near his house and he graciously provided me hospitality. Once a week I will stop by on my bicycle and pick wildflowers on the way for him; he puts them on his mantle and contrary to popular culture, appreciates their beauty, saying that I am the second woman who ever gave him flowers. Once in a while he will ask if i want to stay and watch a movie, and we always end up flirting, but not like teenagers, more like passion on a scale of Romeo to Juliet.

    Eventually, he told me that I was too young for him and he was used to dating older women because “conversations are different”. I believe that is true, but it seems like he has just always dated older women and feels like it’s the right thing to do. I, on the other hand, feel a strangely deep connection between us because of the passion we share, not necessarily during sex.

    My question I have been seeking the answer to is: how can I know whether he likes me and is perhaps playing a mind game by being distant and elusive, OR whether his silence (no calls, texts, or voluntary info) is truly a kindly signal for me to leave him alone for good?

    • Peter White

      Thank you Lindsey. 🙂

      I will first say that yes, there are groups of men who refuse to get into a relationship with a much younger woman because they don’t feel a certain connection. Doesn’t make them players though if they fool around with you. Guys who play women purposely often hurt them emotionally and rarely will ever tell the truth even if it’s something where the truth won’t make a difference.

      When he told you that you were too young for him – that sounded truthful and since he was being completely honest with you about that and how he was okay with FWB, I don’t see any major player moves here at all.

      What I DO see is is this: You’ve been pursuing him. You’ve had sex with him a few times. You have, maybe not vocally agreed to being his FWB but that’s where you’re at – you’re not giving him any reason to break his “no relationship with younger woman” rule he seems to have.

      His silence is merely reinforcing what he has already told you – he doesn’t want a relationship with a younger woman.

      How you respond to that is up to you. If you remain in this FWB situation I fear once he starts dating an older woman and connects with one, you will be left without even a friendship because of the benefits part of FWB will be gone.

      Keep in mind – “friends with benefits” is rarely ever a friend thing. It’s usually two people fooling around who are opting out of a commitment to each other. It really if ever is two friends who decide to have sex. I’m sure that happens but in guy speak it simply means – We’re screwing around with no strings attached but we’re not really dating.

      I will also say, if you’re not getting what you want from this situation and you’re constantly looking or hoping something else will come of it, then I would remove the benefits or yourself from his life entirely.

      I don’t see him suddenly changing his mind unless a lot of other things happen.

      Glad you like the website and hope this has helped you decide what to do and cleared up any confusion you might be having about his guy.

      Thanks for asking “cool girl”

      Your guy friend without benefits 🙂


  • Amira

    Well, I am a cool girlfriend type. He even told me I am a dream woman every guy probably wants. He even goes as far to treat me as his girlfriend. We have a strong connection, physically and emotionally. And yet he doesn’t want to commit because of his past relationship experience. Left him feeling a bit negative towards women/relationships so he says. Go figure 🙁

    • Peter White

      Great to hear cool girl, I mean Amira. 🙂

      It IS sad how way too many guys become so afraid to get involved again because they were hurt in the past. I mean sometimes it’s a good trait. You get burned on a hot stove by touching it, your instinct tells you to NOT do it again.

      But we’re dealing with something different here. If you’re cooking a great meal and you accidentally burn yourself… does that mean you should never cook again? Obviously no or else you’d starve or be stuck eating shitty fast food and live a less than happier life. 😀

      The way I see it, guys who act like this sort of piss me off. Granted some of them use it as an excuse women they’re already convinced there isn’t going to be a future and are looking for current companionship or sex but I’m sure there are plenty of guys who are just so scared of being hurt again, they avoid putting themselves in that position again.

      They upset me because when I look back at all the rejections I suffered through and came out of them better than before, THEY found someone and just because she burned him, become depressed and withdrawn and in turn, probably attract more women because of it. I call it the “po po me” affect. So I know I take it personal on some level.

      However, objectively, I can now see, most of the time, if a guy has a negative outlook or feelings towards all women they are attracted to, they’re using it as an excuse and there’s more to it than meets the eye. I mean you can blame women all you want for a failure but it does nothing to change the internal process which started the blame. Complicated psychology? Maybe.

      The fact remains, when we have a tendency or propensity (can I use that word there? Haha!) to blame others for OUR failures we’re stuck and haven’t move on along the self-esteem or healing stages and until that changes, are only destined to retreat and wallow in the complacency that pitying ourselves often offers. Specifically when we find ourselves meeting others who are more than willing to give us the empathy we crave in our self pity.

      Go figure.

      Thanks for sharing cool girl. Hope you find a cool guy who isn’t stuck as soon as possible.


      • Amira

        Thank you so much for your comment, Pete! I really appreciate you took the time to reply to me 🙂

        I wish you the best in life and thank you for your amazing website.

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