?"Hi Pete! Thanks for letting us girls subscribe and ask you some questions. I'm looking for some insight into guys, and some of your brilliant advice.
How much would you say timing impacts a guy and his having a relationship?
I know the standard advise is if a guy says he's not looking for a relationship, what he's really saying is he's not looking for a relationship with you.
Are there any instances where the reason he says he's not ready isn't because of how he feels about the girl, but due to other things/circumstances in his life not being where he wants them to be.
I'm thinking along the lines of trouble at work or losing a job, but maybe also others like death or illness of a loved one?
And is there hope for something in the future if the girl gives him space, keeping busy in her own life and letting him set the pace for keeping in touch?"
Hi to you too and thank you. I appreciate your kind words. You're also welcome for the insights and allowing me the pleasure to give you my brilliant advice.
You're absolutely correct!
When a guy says or tells you that he's not looking for a relationship "right now", it's (more the occasionally) because he's not looking for one with you.
I've said it to different women many times because the sex was good enough and they were pleasant to be around. We were having fun and if none of them had mentioned or asked about it, the "relationship" talk would've never left my lips.
The truth was: I just wasn't feeling IT enough to bother moving forward to an actual relationship with any of them.
IT would've required me to cut off all my other options and actually DO something about it. More work, less benefits, and only being left with a feeling like I no longer had a choice or voice in the matter anymore.
Not really the encouragement a man needs to proceed with a woman.
Timing does play its part. It has to because it's in the mix but the role or impact it has will always be less about a "clock" and more about the man or woman.
Here are some examples:
Guys who still feel like they can still do better.
When is their time up? When do they give up and settle?
You see, timing... sure... but you can clearly see what's holding him back is how he FEELS about her. This can change over time.
A deeper connection can be made but one must admit, once a man feels like he's settling there's no going back in time to change it. The relationship might be doomed before it even got off the ground.
Guys who base their own self-worth on how many women they can sleep with or who they are having sex with at that time.
Sooner or later, they may feel like they've gotten their "fair share" and look for something more substantial than casual sex.
You can meet a guy where this concept of timing is being played out before your eyes or in your bed.
But where does this leave you?
Do you let him get it all out of his system and stick around hoping it happens?
Perhaps, if you're dating other men too this could work and sometimes it will, but you're then left with any moral dilemmas you might be feeling and the FACT that you're dating a man whose self-worth is tied to his penis, tethered and bound to a sexual gratification which feels like it can never be fulfilled.
Guys who are set against giving up their freedom.
Freedom is a big thing to men. It's just not tied to what you might logically conclude or is generally misunderstood what that freedom represents by most women.
It's all in the post below when you're ready for it:
Fear #2. Losing his freedom. He will lose his freedom in his search for connection.
And you're right - it certainly is a big fear a lots of guys have and a few of them will NEVER give up that freedom until the bitter end.
But there's so much more going on here and if you want to truly connect with a guy, this is stuff you need to know.
Me and my wife discussed this topic the other day and the big question was brought up...
HOW to make a guy feel free? How do you give him the freedom he desires and still have him CHOOSE to be with you?
In this case, as it relates to the timing not being right, it will NEVER be the THAT time because doubt will always creep in.
The fear will always be there until it is faced and somewhat erased through how a man connects with a woman.
Men become very stubborn in this area. They get used to coming and going at their own leisure.
Guys who always feel overwhelmed. They lack control over their complicated lives.
You can give this guy all the time in the world but it won't give him the strength, power, or skill to "fix" the issues which are complicating their lives.
They may suffer from anxiety issues to self-deprecation and unfortunately become complacent or accustomed to the drama.
Again, timing is not the REAL issue, only a small piece.
The real problem is with the man and why he won't or refused to gain control over his life.
Guys who would rather bury themselves in career because it comes easier to them than women.
Ask any random group of men which is easier in life to excel at, be proficient in, or understand: Career or Women, and you'll get a consistent answer...
Work is by far the winner here.
Time IS a factor because while he's burying himself trying to BE all he can BE, time will pass by quickly with little regard for his health or age making him very susceptible to a quick degeneration of his social skills and ability to connect with women.
You'll also find men who will never feel they have enough to give to a woman (financial stability) and will continually work harder to achieve that success first.
While time rolls on it becomes LESS of factor because the man changes making him, once again, the REAL issue.
Guys who are emotionally closed off to mostly everyone but especially women.
They'll even avoid relationships because of the risk of accidentally sharing their feelings in a rare (after or before) moment, sexually or casually intimacy.
When they do find themselves getting too close they become so emotionally strained they act out by doing anything or everything to assure IT (timing) doesn't happen or instantly explodes.
These are also the types whom, as you mentioned, where illness, death in the family, etc... becomes their GO TO EXCUSES to back away.
"Keep your eyes wide open for "Mister Po Po Me" because most of the time, he's full of of it AND he actually believes it's true (...)
Many times he has to convince himself that it's true because otherwise, to be truthful with himself, he has two choices of admittance - believe it fully or admit he uses women.
He'll continue to use this excuse as his back up plan. When things get tough, he'll use it. When he meets another woman, he'll use it. After a fight or temporary break up, he'll even use it for make up sex.
He will also use it to keep you in a state of feeling emotionally bad for him."
We all need some privacy during moments of hardship but what we will always need MORE is another person to help us get through it all.
Since this guy refuses to do so, he rarely moves on and becomes stuck in a time which is rarely the present.
With time standing still, timing is no longer the real player.
Once again, it's all about him and his refusal to open up.
The egocentric immature player type who uses women as a means to feel better about themselves or to avoid being hurt.
Timing here means you'll have to wait for this guy to grow up.
That's entirely your call but ask yourself, "Do you really want to date a child?" and you'll get the answer you need to hear.
Moving on to the last part of your question...
This is a bit tricky but we'll get through it...
Space is absolutely necessary in dating.
"When we close off our options with other men too soon, we actually sabotage our ability to get the commitment and intimacy we so desire."
Keeping busy doing your own thing IS important.
"Letting him know you have a life before him actually makes him more attracted to you - not just because you're not about to drop everything for him, but because people who are passionate about their interests are interesting people!"
Allowing a man to BE the man and lead or set the pace (within reason) is also the right thing to do.
"It Pays To Be Patient.
I know how frustrating it is to sit back and let a man take the lead. We want a man to know we're interested in him. We want to make it easy for him to ask us out again. We want to seem enthusiastic and easygoing.
And often times this means we inadvertently chase him in the ways described above."
I've found when a woman asks me about "hope in the future" with a specific man she's really looking for an excuse or loophole to avoid moving on.
She maintains, "I'm keeping myself busy and focusing on myself!" when in reality HE is the REAL reason and the goal of her actions, not her.
Think about it from your first-person perspective:
- "If I give HIM space, maybe he'll come back."
- "If I give HIM the freedom he says he wants, maybe he'll come back."
- "If I focus on my life by staying busy so I won't think about him, maybe he'll figure out I'm the one for HIM."
Then you have to decide a time frame...
- How long should you wait for HIM?
- When do you give up on HIM?
- When is it safe to move on and let HIM go completely... just in case?
The truth of the matter seems to be, you're setting yourself up in a future state of mind where you're no better off than you were before.
When I've told women, "I'm not looking for a relationship right now." it was ALWAYS because I could not see a future together and that could change especially as I sample around and made to realize she was the best I was going to find...
But how fair is that to her and anyone?
Wouldn't it feel like he was only settling for you because he could not find anyone better.
The key with men seems to be this...
With the right woman and the right connection to her, most guys are ALWAYS ready within a reasonable amount of time to figure it out and will move forward to the relationship.
Waiting around for the, "I'm not looking for a relationship right now." (barring the much too young guys because they tend to fall into a different category) by giving him space, time, and the freedom to figure their shit out is really simply called...
Certain guys have a propensity to show you they are the relationship type by how they live their lives and how they treat you.
When you casually date them, you're going to figure that out.
If he's not ready, willing, or capable of sustaining a reasonably healthy relationship, you're going to figure that out soon enough too.
Men want to connect with a woman who makes him feel she's the one for him.
He wants her in his life during those down times because she makes him feel better, safe, happy, in love, and more capable of getting through those tougher times.
He wants s woman he can truly rely on and open up to when he loses his job, has a death in the family, and/or experiences a major setback on his journey in life.
The wrong guy pushes away the best ones for him when he needs it the most.
See the difference.
Waiting around for a guy to figure it all out doesn't seem to give you any real answers.
You don't know if he's going to change.
You don't know when or if he's ever going to be ready.
Focus on the "dating" part and figure him out within a reasonable time if he's ready, willing, or capable of being a man who wants and can maintain a healthy, stable, and growing relationship with a woman.
AS you continue to date around, there should be no need to give him what you think he needs to come back to you.
So yes, there's always "hope" if you want to call it that, he's going to come around and sure it does happen from time to time...
The "I'm not ready for a relationship right now." leaves too many questions.
If he's not ready he will continue to date you casually for a long period of time until he's ready.
If you push the relationship thing and he gives you that excuse, you jumped the gun OR you need to look for a guy who is capable and more receptive to those items listed above... feeling better, safe, happy, AND in love.
Personally I don't like women to wait around for a guy to change because they always seem to find another reason to put it off.
Now I know you said you're going to keep on going and let him keep the timetable for getting in touch, but again that just brings up more what if's and leaves you always wondering and doing things for HIM and not truly for yourself without even realizing it.
Stick to casually dating and always date a few men at once.
Set your OWN time table.
Look for clues or hints a guy is capable AND ready for a relationship.
If he has excuse after excuse or always a reason for not committing within YOUR reasonable time frame...
Then you'll have your answer.
If YOU are looking for a relationship and he's not, that should be your first big clue and a major red flag it might never happen and no amount of waiting is ever going to change that fact.
Thanks again for your wonderful question and your kind words too.
Timing does impact a guy and his relationships, just not in the direct way one might logically conclude.
It will primarily be about HIM and HER and the CONNECTION they've made together.
Most men are most circumstances who state they're not looking for a relationship, right now or sometime in the future as they might also say, are not feeling it enough to move forward with a woman.
In other words, the connection is just not there.
There will always be exceptions to the "rules" and LIFE (trouble at work, losing a job, death or illness of a loved one) will always get in the way BUT...
The exceptions are easy to see and the RIGHT woman makes LIFE easier for a guy to handle and not harder, therefore are more often than not used as an excuse or a reason to "let her down easily" and/or to back away without any more questions being asked of him.
Space is important in the dating process.
Living your life outside dating and not letting yourself revolve around any one man is also a critical piece.
The man must feel compelled to chase, the woman must feel empowered and capable of luring him in too.
His capability and skill to lead and set a REASONABLE pace for the relationship to develop must exist or else, the masculine/feminine polarity doesn't work as well as it can.
However, they all do happen naturally when two people date each other and discover things together and while being apart too.
They must NOT be done or pressed under the guise of "just in case" or the "hope" of something changing because then they become ALL about HIM negating the effect nature intended them to have on the process.
DATING is there for you to figure it all out so USE it to your advantage and not just a reason to hang out once in a while.
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Keep reading more about men and relationships:
- When He's Not Ready For A Relationship, This Is How You Get Him To Commit
- The Secret To Building Forward Momentum In Your Romantic Relationship
- How to Keep Momentum Alive With the New Guy You’re Dating
- 10 Reasons Why Men Won't Commit and What To Do About It
- These 7 Habits Will Show You How To Keep Him Interested In You Forever
- Desire Principles - 6 Tricks That Women Use To Make Men Crazy About Them!
Opening Image Credit by: Magda Ehlers