Lots of things matter in life. Your career. Your health. Your finances. But nothing matters quite as much as your relationships.
I mean, think about it. What's the fun of "succeeding" if there's no one there to celebrate it with you?
Even something as simple as a beautiful sunset loses much of its significance if there's no one by your side to enjoy it with you.
Though I should confess...
I am a little biased. Because I'm a professional relationship coach. Which means I spend my days helping people get the relationship they want.
And I spend my off-hours investing in the people that make my life rich and rewarding. So my world pretty much revolves around relationships.
Helping people find romantic bliss is what I do. Does that sound fun to you? Well I can tell you it is, but it hasn't always been that way.
You see, people only look for me when something's going wrong in their relationship world.
There have been days when I left the office with an aching heart. Too many stories of emotional pain.
Too many people I care about-people I hold in my heart-feeling lonely or rejected. People who deserve joy and laughter and meaningful connections with a person who claims them as their own.
You know what I'm talking about, right?
Two people discovering a special kind of joy in each other's arms.
Two people who want each other more than anything else.
And it's worth going after.
But sometimes you don't know how to go after it.
The man you love could be standing right in front of you, but you simply don't know how to win his heart.
Or problems rob your relationship of momentum before it can become what it was meant to be.
It's not fair!
You can see what you want.
And you're willing to work REALLY hard to get it.
But there's something blocking your way.
What's blocking your love life?
Well, it comes down to this. There's nothing to grab on to! You can't get a foothold.
It's like being at the bottom of a pit with perfectly smooth walls, rounded on all sides. You can't climb your way out if there's nothing to grab hold of.
The pit is just wide enough so that you cannot reach both sides at once.
All the motivation in the world won't help you out of this situation. You need someone to throw you a rope.
But I have good news...
I'm about to throw you a rope.
How To Build Relationship Momentum Fast
Your relationship needs forward momentum.
Without it you feel stuck in the mud.
Like a race car with tons of horsepower but tires that spin uselessly in a muddy ditch.
But with momentum everything changes.
With a running start, any car could coast past the muddy patch...even with flat tires. Pure momentum. It's powerful stuff.
That's what I want for your relationship. Momentum in the right direction.
I don't care where things stand between you and your man right now.
Maybe he's a guy you've set your sights on.
Or maybe you're already in some form of relationship with him.
Regardless, I'm going to show you how to use momentum to your advantage.
I'm going to share three secrets for building momentum in your romantic relationship.
The Key to Jump-starting Your Momentum
Here's the truth about why momentum works.
It sets off a chain reaction.
Most people feel stuck because they try to charge after romantic bliss.
They look for the most direct route.
But it only results in heartache.
And I need to tell you something...
If you're a woman who is used to succeeding in life, romance can be particularly frustrating for you.
That's because you've learned how life works. You see what you want and you decide you're willing to pay the price to get it.
Typically, the "price" is a lot of hard work. You put in that hard work and you usually get the reward you were going after.
But relationships don't work that way.
You can't change the way someone else feels about you simply by trying harder.
You need a different tactic.
I'd like to show you something that works better. It's a method for building momentum in your relationship.
It comes down to this very simple idea...
Create momentum by setting off a series of small chain reactions. Then let the power of those chain reactions build your momentum automatically and effortlessly.
The rest of this report is about showing you how to do just that. And we're going to start with a simple idea anyone can use in their relationship.
Secret #1: Think beyond the First Step
The hardest part about building momentum is the very first step.
A train can transport a lot of cargo, using a very small amount of fuel.
And once the train's momentum builds, you better stay out of its way. But from a stopped position, the train can barely move at all.
It can feel like that in your relationship.
Which is why a lot of people never bother with trying to build momentum. After a first attempt to budge the relationship forward, it feels hopeless.
You give up.
Most of my clients have a fairly good idea of what they want from a relationship.
They can see it clearly in their mind's eye.
And when they go after a guy, it shows.
They focus on the end result they're going for.
My typical female client is focused on making a guy fall in love with her so he will want to be her boyfriend or husband. That's the goal.
She doesn't think about much else beyond that goal. As a result, her vision of the future limits her success.
Let me explain why.
It's easiest to explain with an example. So I'll show you how this works with Melody's story.
Melody wants Jeff to see her as more than a friend. So she does the kinds of things you would expect.
She tries to hold his gaze a little longer. She looks for opportunities to get time with him alone.
She does her best to look attractive whenever she's likely to bump into him.
Oh, and she actually bumps into him once in a while ("accidentally" of course).
That's all great.
The problem arises when he doesn't respond the way she wants him to.
Frustration replaces hope. Irritation replaces confidence. And those emotions affect the way he perceives her.
It changes the experience for him in a negative way.
And all this happens before she's had a chance to build up any momentum at all.
After a few weeks of feeling frustration and despair, she tries again.
But she simply repeats the same process over again.
It's an endless cycle of frustration. What melody needs is a foothold. Something that will let her get beyond the first step.
That foothold is something I call a "vision boost." It's where you forget about what you want from him, and focus instead on what he's missing.
And what is it that he's missing?
You and the tremendous benefits he would receive if he could ever wake up to the reality of what you have to offer.
After all, you have a lot to offer, right?
If you truly love this man, his life is going to be MUCH better if he has you in it. That's because you want to make him happy.
You see, I only accept clients who are truly in love. I don't help people who want a boyfriend just for the status, money, sex, or anything like that. If that's all you're after, you may not actually have much to offer him.
But think about the value of true love...
Two people who love each other so much their greatest happiness in life comes from making the other partner happy.
When both people feel this way, a tremendous amount of value (translate: happiness) has been unlocked by a decision to be together.
That's the value that you have to offer him. Never forget that. Because that's going to make all the difference in the "vibe" you give off while interacting with him.
It's a vibe that says...
"I'm cool, calm, patient, and completely confident in what I have to offer. You'd be lucky to have me. And the gift I have to offer you is literally priceless."
And Here's the Really Good News...
Just like he can sense frustration, irritation, and annoyance, he can also sense the opposite.
He can sense the positive, alluring vibe that happens when you focus on what you have to offer him.
But there's more to it than just that.
Something changes inside you when you adopt this belief system. The belief that you have something incredibly valuable to offer.
It changes the way you think.
And it changes the way you think in such a way that you begin to automatically build momentum.
The way you build momentum is by investing in a future you feel confident about.
You begin to take small actions that reflect the confidence you feel in what the relationship will become.
You no longer make small, frustrated attempts to grasp for control. You see things differently now. He is coming to you.
With that new layer of patience, a new strategy becomes natural to you. I call it the 1% rule.
Secret # 2: The 1% Rule
Let's review the main goal. It's momentum. Forward momentum for your relationship.
You want it.
And you want it now.
Believe me, I understand.
That's what I want for you too. But I don't want you to break your neck.
And that's what happens when you go from 0 to 60 in an instant.
Now, I'm not about to bore you with a story about the tortoise and the hare. But I do want to remind you of something you may have forgotten. A basic truth about life you learned in
People don't like to feel manipulated.
My mother used to push me to be more assertive and outgoing. I remember when she was a substitute teacher one day when I was in eighth grade.
She stopped by the cafeteria during lunch hour. And to my horror, she chastised me for sitting alone at a table by myself.
I was happily munching the sandwich from my brown paper sack, waiting for a friend to make it through the paid lunch line.
But to her, that was no excuse.
"Why don't you join those kids over there? There's still room for your friend to join you."
Like I was going to pick up my lunch and walk over to the table where my mother had just pointed.
I might as well walk up and say,
"Hey guys! Anyone want to be my friend?"
You can probably imagine my response. I dug in my heels. Tried to ignore her. Tried to fake a chuckle as if she had just referenced some sort of inside joke.
She didn't give up that easily.
She took my hesitation as a sign that I needed more reasons, more cajoling.
What would've worked better?
How do you get a teenage boy to come out of his shell?
She would have more success if she kept the end goal to herself. That way I wouldn't resist.
She should have invited me to take one tiny step at a time...and let me discover a new, assertive identity on my own.
In other words, she needed to start smaller.
That's the 1% rule in a nutshell.
Try to improve something by just 1%.
It sounds like so little.
And because of that, these small changes barely feel like changes at all.
But if you're trying to get someone else to change, that's a good thing!
Let momentum build so it does the work for you.
Get someone to take action, and something strange happens. They observe their own actions and conclude it was a good way to go.
What I'm referring to here is a unique finding from the field of social psychology experiments.
Humans often look at their own actions to decide what they believe.
That sounds backwards, doesn't it?
But it's a remarkable truth about how all people are wired.
For example, my mother could have made one small request.
"Hey, while you wait for your friend to come over, is there anyone in here you could introduce me to real quick? It would be fun to meet one of the people I hear you talking about at home."
If she can get me to take action, I start to see myself differently. I see myself as someone who introduces people, connects others, and roams the cafeteria to make social connections.
It's just one tiny step, but my own actions change how I perceive myself.
It works the same way in relationships.
Get him to take one small step.
Something that would be very hard to object to.
Like helping you move a heavy box, or giving his opinion on a decision you're considering.
Then just improve on this foundation 1% at a time.
Momentum doesn't happen with a sudden burst of effort. It happens when you start small and build on that momentum as it picks up speed.
"It is better to take many small steps in the right direction than to make a great leap forward
only to stumble backward."
- Old Chineese Proverb
So we're talking about momentum as it applies to your romantic life.
How do you use the 1% rule to build momentum in your relationship right now?
Well, let me ask you.
Can you imagine one tiny step?
One tiny action you could invite him to take?
One action that someone would only do if they liked you or wanted to spend more time with you?
See what happens.
And here's why it's called the 1% rule.
You can build momentum fast by improving your relationship just 1% at a time.
It's a big shift away from the mindset most of my clients start with.
Trying to improve things by just 1% has all these benefits:
- It takes away the pressure. You can let go of the need to make him see you're the one for him. That will happen automatically if you just improve 1% at a time.
- It sparks new ideas for improving things. Ideas that would never occur to you if you were racking your brain for one super powerful thing you could do to instantly turn the relationship around.
- It lets you enjoy the journey. Instead of feeling like everything rides on your next interaction with him, you enjoy what's fun and build on that.
It seems like so little.
But that's deceiving.
Tiny change often results in big results much faster than we would expect.
That's because of the power of compounding.
You're not just adding one plus one as the days pass.
Because 1% of no relationship is very little, but 1% of a relationship that has been growing for several months is actually quite a lot.
As the saying goes,
"People overestimate what they can accomplish in a day, and underestimate what they can accomplish in a year."
That's human nature.
We underestimate the power of compounding.
But you can use this to your advantage. Because now you know the second secret of building momentum.
Get him to take action.
Then think even smaller than that.
Transform his small actions into a pathway that leads him to you.
Now, if you're ready for secret #3, go ahead and skip down to that part now. But if you'd like one example of the 1% rule in action, you'll find this story interesting.
A friend of mine used to work in a nursing home as a recreational director.
She told me the unfolding saga of two employees who worked there.
One was an assistant in her department, and the other was the head of the maintenance department.
The assistant had a huge crush on the maintenance guy.
But the only reason my friend knew about it was because the assistant bashfully asked if she would get in trouble for flirting with a fellow employee at work.
After that, they just seemed to become a couple.
My friend had to ask what happened because she never saw any indication of flirting.
Here's what happened.
The assistant started by showing interest in his work. She started by asking about some of his work related routines.
She spaced out her expressions of interest, allowing him to warm up to her.
She would usually only approach him when he was working alone in the hallway, or as she passed him outside the building on her way in.
She would only pause for thirty seconds or so, but she was consistent in demonstrating interest each time she ran into him.
Then she made a move that allowed her to shift her flirting to another level.
After complimenting him about the breadth of his knowledge about maintenance related issues, she asked if he would be horribly offended by the idea of giving her his phone number in case she ran into a problem he could advise her about outside of work.
Now she had an avenue that made "exclusive flirting" easy.
Do you know the difference between "broadcast" flirting and "exclusive" flirting?
Broadcast flirting is on display for everyone to see.
When a woman uses broadcast flirting, everyone around can see what she's up to.
For example, it's broadcast flirting when Debbie laughs at all of Daniel's jokes at the office party and purposefully compliments him in front of others.
Exclusive flirting is different.
Think of it like an exclusive club.
There are only two people in the club, and the two people share something exclusive.
You may think of yourself as someone who would never use flirting as an attraction tool, maybe because of the potential for embarrassment or a distaste for acting like someone you're not.
But that's because you think of all flirting as broadcast flirting.
Broadcast flirting dominates our perception of flirting because it's what we see most often.
Exclusive flirting is different. It happens behind the scenes.
It's far more subtle, and in my opinion more effective.
Back to our story...
He was a few years older than her, and texting was not something he had gotten used to.
She got him used to it.
He came to enjoy her text-based friendship and eventually asked her out.
So what was the 1% improvement?
It was creating an avenue for exclusive flirting. In this case, it was finding a way to interact privately.
That's one of my preferred strategies for early stage relationships. Focus on finding an avenue that makes exclusive flirting easier.
It's a 1% improvement that can build momentum fast.
Secret #3: Define Progress as "Pleasure"
Let's assume you're making progress with a guy. He's shown the early signs of interest. And you can tell he genuinely enjoys spending time with you.
But something is holding him back.
What is it?
Why does he seem to be dragging his feet?
He was very interested in the relationship from the start. But now it's as if he's second guessing his commitment.
Like he's not sure about the thing that's building between the two of you.
Why is this happening?
As a relationship coach with years of experience, I can take a pretty good guess. It's ambivalence.
In other words, he feels pulled in two different directions.
He wants the good stuff that comes from his relationship with you. But he's nervous about what it all means.
Men go through several stages in life.
Each stage changes how they react to the prospect of a committed relationship. I teach courses about those different stages, but it's beyond the scope of what we're trying to accomplish here.
So let me just give one summary statement.
Men like to win.
From the time they are boys, males hesitate to take on a challenge unless they have a certain level of confidence in a positive outcome.
How does that impact his approach to relationships?
Well, in a relationship he wants to "win" at gaining your approval and status.
But wait a minute.
If that's true, why is he holding back?
Can't he tell you want to move things forward? And the answer comes down to this:
A commitment creates a threat.
The threat comes from his fear of loss.
You see, men judge themselves and other men based on accomplishments. It's like a rite of passage.
If you want to become a real man, you have to have a mission.
It's like the modern version of going on a hunt and coming back with something to show for it.
He has dreams about making a difference in the world, or proving his worth by earning lots of money, or proving his worth by helping lots of people.
Then there are social pressures from his guy friends to go on adventures, live the bachelor lifestyle, and answer to no one.
Then there's the desire to win at his relationship with you. That means gaining your approval.
Success in a relationship means he has to keep you happy.
And why is that a problem?
Because he's not sure he can please everyone at once. He's not sure who he will become if the relationship continues to move forward. Ambivalence sets in.
Ambivalence is the biggest enemy of momentum in romantic relationships.
But I have a solution for you. My solution takes away his ambivalence.
By taking away his fear.
And the secret is rather simple. Are you ready for it?
Give him a clear definition of success.
But let me tell you why it works.
You see, he's not afraid of having a fantastic relationship with you.
He's not afraid of succeeding with you.
He's not afraid of creating something deep and meaningful with you.
Rather, he's afraid of failure. He's afraid of giving you the wrong idea and then changing his mind.
He's afraid of losing.
He's afraid of letting others down (you, himself, his friends).
But most of all-and here's the really important part-he has one thing blocking his passionate abandon:
In his mind, he has defined commitment as a trap.
It's not you.
You are pleasurable and fun.
But commitment feels like something else. It feels like an unknown.
And floating in a world of ambivalence-a world where he never totally commits to anything-allows him to sidestep the fear of getting stuck in a situation where he can't win.
So your job is to remove the "unknown" part of this equation.
Do that and everything changes.
How do you do that?
You do it by giving him a more concrete definition of success.
In other words, show him exactly what he needs to do in order to "win" with you.
Remove the unknown.
Sometimes that's simply a matter of literally describing to him exactly what you want at this stage of the relationship. But more often, a completely different method is needed.
Here's the other method.
It's a method I have found to be extremely powerful when it comes to changing the way people think and feel.
Define success as "pleasure."
And here's what I mean by that.
Link his happiness to your happiness.
Get rid of the sense that you are two different people trying to get your needs met separately. And instead, encourage a new mindset.
The new mindset is that you can enhance each other's lives by working toward that goal directly. As a team.
And as a team, you'll always be discussing strategy. It will never be this one big commitment talk with all its scary unknowns.
Instead, it will be a continuous and ongoing process of discovering new ways to enhance each other's happiness.
The relationship becomes centered around this question:
"How can we purposefully plan our interactions to maximize each other's happiness?"
That's a surprisingly intimate question.
Use it and something strange begins to happen. The relationship becomes a shared project. Something you work on together.
Now he feels in control.
So it no longer feels like a trap.
It feels like a shared project designed to fit with the other realities of both your lives.
So this is counter-intuitive, but here's what starts to happen.
You start having open conversations about things couples usually avoid, like planning time apart, or asking if it's okay to find creative ways to spend less money on dates.
If that sounds "unromantic," please hear what I'm about to say next. The effect on your relationship is the opposite of what you would expect.
These conversations lead to a sudden boost in your relationship momentum.
Because it removes the fear of forging ahead.
Instead of wanting more time away from you, these open discussions make him desire you
Instead of wanting to be less romantic, he wants to impress you even more.
Now the relationship makes him feel like he's winning again. Just like it felt when he first tried to make a connection with you.
Now he can take his foot off the brakes.
Momentum begins to build again.
Maybe you found a few of these ideas helpful. But it's nothing compared to what I'm about to tell you next.
You see, there's synergy between these three secrets for building momentum. Each one has a certain amount of power on its own.
But combine the three together, and you'll be surprised at what happens next.
The Synergistic Effect
Remember how earlier I told you that we convince ourselves with our own actions? Well defining success as pleasure gets him to take action.
Making you happy becomes like a game to him.
A game he enjoys.
A game he wants to win.
So it's only natural that the more action he takes to make you happy, the more he inadvertently convinces himself that a long-term relationship with you is what he wants.
Because at some deep-down level, he senses it would make you happy.
Meanwhile, the 1% rule is operating in the background. Each step feels small, yet it results in a stride that lengthens over time.
It's still only small changes the two of you work on to enhance your relationship. But each small step builds on what was already established before.
Talk about chain reactions!
This is the stuff of magic.
It feels effortless, yet the results make it look like a lot of hard work must have taken place.
You become the envy of your friends.
They wonder why you don't stress and strain to build momentum the way they do.
They wonder why your guy seems to be designed for romantic intimacy while their guy seems to always be on the fence, hot or cold.
It all started with just a few small changes.
But those changes set off a chain reaction that builds relationship momentum.
Now what if I told you there is an even bigger way to tap into his natural instincts for taking action to move toward you?
And what if it was something so powerful it had the potential to completely transform your relationship and break all the speed limits that usually hold relationships in check?
That's what I'd like to show you next.
And here's the crazy part...
This one idea dwarfs all the others. It has the power to single handedly transform your experience with men.
And that's because it's like rocket fuel for your relationship.
So I took this one idea and turned it into an online video you can watch right now.
The effect on your relationship will be much stronger and much more immediate than you would expect. So only use this last momentum booster if you actually want your relationship to make a sudden leap forward.
You're probably wondering what this is.
And if you're an intelligent person, you might even be a bit skeptical of my claims.
So let me explain what this is.
It's all about the signals that turn on one particular male obsession. An obsession so powerful, it has the ability to make or break your relationship.
It's a secret obsession all men share.
And it's affecting your relationship right now, regardless of whether or not you recognize its effects.
Fortunately, it's something you can channel toward your relationship.
You can sort of "plug-in" to this secret male obsession and use its energy to sustain a relationship forever.
And I mean that...forever.
Knowing about this one obsession all men feel gives you a special insight.
An insight that allows you to grow your relationship into something beautiful, stable, and incredibly intimate.
Would you like to know what that is?
I've always believed that the most powerful way to influence relationships is by tapping into the things people already care about.
But here's the tricky part.
Humans are NOT very good at identifying what truly drives them...what they actually crave most.
But once you discover what a person really wants-the thing they don't even know how to put into words-you have the power to really hurt them or really make them happy.
Believe me, I've seen this in action.
Things are different for me now as a dating coach.
Now when I look at relationships, it's easy for me to see why some succeed and others fail.
It's like I'm wearing glasses that give me the ability to see things other people don't.
But it's time for me to share.
I want you to be able to see what I see.
So you can see what drives him, what he cares about, and what he needs to thrive in a relationship with you.
It's finally time to tap into what he is already obsessed with. And channel that built-in desire toward the relationship you share with him.
Well, that's what I teach.
Always on your side,
James Bauer is a dating and relationship expert who has coached couples to help them achieve a happier more productive marriage. He also helps women attract men with the respect principle and the hero concept.