A while back I was contacted to do a few interviews on male dating coaches for women and the business in itself.
One interview was published and although it's great to be featured along the side of my earlier mentors and now affiliates, the other was never published.
This is the obviously not published one so I thought I'd share it with you so you can get to know me, read my opinions and philosophies, and to answer the questions I actually enjoyed answering about dating coaches, PUA's, romantic connections, the business, and so much more...
1. Why do you feel there is an ever growing demand for dating coaches? Do you feel that people have always found it challenging to pursue romantic connections, or is that a modern problem?
I believe as society has evolved and relationships have become more in control of the individual, so to has the reach in which you can now go to find your perfect partner. Along with it so too has has a much higher demand for the individual to assure their happiness, productivity, and longevity.
Information is now more available and accessible to lots of people. It only stands to reason that certain people will seek out helpful advice. Especially considering the divorce rates and long-term mental problems which often come from a difficult break up.
However, I don't think that it's a specific modern problem to pursue romantic connections. I'm positive the "actual" problems have just shifted to match other modern problems.
In some ways it's been made easier, in other ways, it's more difficult. While some of the communication problems have always been there - the nature of the problems have just slightly changed as society has changed too.
Overall - I'd say it's EASIER nowadays to find a partner, easier to remove oneself from a destructive or failing relationship, easier to find help coping with the stress and mental anguish breakups can cause BUT HARDER to narrow it down to just one person because of the increase in available partners. This increase can definitely cause a "paralysis of analysis" for some and for others - the constant stream of availability not seen in the past will test their willpower and testing the relationship everyday.
As far as the "challenging" nature of pursuing a romantic connection - it will always be a challenge and that's a good thing.
Challenges are a necessity of life and relationships.
There's a lifelong benefit which comes from meeting and overcoming these challenges which makes us all stronger and strengthens any relationship we enter - that is when handled properly.
These challenges are (in part) driving the industry more now than ever - because the industry has a way to reach more people.
In business, ANY business that naturally succeeds, you don't create something and try to sell it - you find out what people want or need, and you get and sell them what they want.
Sell them what they're asking for while at the same time - give them what they need so they can solve their current problem and hopefully, with the right advice, this strategy will eventually teach them the skills and tools they need to solve their own problems they have yet to experience.
Repeat business is NOT something any dating/relationship/life counselor wants IF they're true of heart.
AND it's not needed for this business model, because communication skills are rarely if ever taught correctly. They're certainly not taught in most schools. They're passed down from generation to generation and often, what is being passed down is not the correct way.
Since the right kind of communication is essential to making any relationship last (or stop when necessary) - there is a "unfortunate" never-ending "coming of relationship age" men and women WANTING to buy a solution to their dating and relationship problems.
2. So obviously, a big part of the job of a dating coach is to help their clients build confidence as well as overcome certain social anxieties. However, there is also a lot of criticism in regards to the industry being exploitative of people’s insecurities - especially those of women who feel that they need to change certain stuff about themselves in order to ‘get’ the man. How would you respond to the criticism?
I think in ANY industry you're going to find those that are exploitative. Marketing and selling any product, informational, advisory, or coaching in nature needs to find a way to mass market it to those in need, otherwise it fails to reach, fails to sell, and eventually disappears.
It's a tug of war where one side tends to win more than the other for a certain period, and then shifts as the other side loses the market share it once enjoyed.
The REAL problem is:
I can have amazing advice or the perfect product to sell or recommend and let you know about it honestly because I know it will work for you and yet, still have no takers or sales to keep me in business.
It's because people are conditioned and have patterns which can be utilized (and sometimes taken advantage of) to encourage sales and produce results for both sides.
Meaning the more sold of the better product that actually does help, BOTH sides benefit from it which is a great thing.
However - If the one selling doesn't find a way to sell the best product in the world, BOTH sides fail.
It's unfortunately just not enough to create a product, advisory or not, without proven sales techniques, because it rarely goes anywhere and is buried until one day, someone else figures out a way to repackage the same information in a way which "tugs" or in some cases "plays" on the weakness of the buyer to draw in the sale.
That's the tug of war - that's the balance.
This is unfortunate for some because, let's be honest, the seller who knows how to sell "ethically or not" tends to win because without sales - the business fails.
Meaning, sure - in ANY business - this one not excluded - packaging, marketing, and the presentation that tugs on the emotional side of a person ALWAYS wins.
But it's not all bad news.
I DO BELIEVE there is a way around it all and I use it in my practices everyday.
I don't play on other's insecurities BUT you must admit, I have to point out their failures are stemming from an area in their life they could improve on. None of us are perfect. I've been through the journey myself.
I've found if I'm upfront, honest, which yes, sometimes means I'm going to say things they or you won't want to hear - then I've proven that the end-result is BENEFICIAL to you.
My goal or purpose is to get you to come to your own conclusion based on how YOU think because I've found the absolute best "convincer" is ourselves, and if I can change your mindset to see things from a better perspective (one lacking in too many limited beliefs) - problem solved and you will WANT to change whatever you're doing that is causing the problem.
My goal has ALWAYS been to HELP - based on the those same beliefs which were instructed to me that caused my catalyst to change myself.
With all that said...
There will ALWAYS be critics - and that's GOOD thing - we all need someone to "proof" our honesty and to explore the information - scientifically and emotionally.
Yes - successful marketers do their best to interact with you on an emotional level - because otherwise, who would even care, right? And most great information gets lost not helping any one no matter how great the information helps.
Yes - it's a BUSINESS. The problem is our society RUNS on money and business. If I could give away my knowledge and expertise for free and still feed, clothe myself, and support my family - I would.
But our world is clearly not designed that way. I'm not an inheritance to a vast fortune.
As stated above - In EVERY business there are those that scrumptiously and unethically prey on the weak and take advantage of the knowledge they have by only giving away certain parts, or twisting the information to fit their theories.
The dating/relationship field is no different.
I was a salesman in a retail environment for eighteen years, selling golf equipment and managing every aspect of a multi-million dollar store, just in my department of golf. My upper bosses hated me because I have ALWAYS refused to up the sale. Me and my partner HELPED the customer get what they need, and sold them what they wanted to spend.
OUR goal was to see them smile - help them with their game - and assure a repeat customer because of our no bullshit - tell it like it is attitude - knowing full well our superiors were only interested in the cash we could pull in.
But just like in that business - most of my knowledge is and will be free - but to go above and beyond what my tiny brain can offer - means an investment, an assurance, a quantitative value, and I know the extra knowledge I do sell - and the time and money given to gain that knowledge, is not a guarantee, but a more PROBABLE chance the person receiving will actually use it.
Lastly, as it relates to dating and not golf...
For ME to get what I wanted, when I was a complete loser and failure with women, I NEEDED to change myself along with my failing limited belief system. That was clear to smarter people than me, just not clear to me.
If you're NOT getting what you want - be it a man, a house or even a New York pizza in some country where pizza doesn't exist...
They YES - something MUST change.
It doesn't always mean to change ourselves, sometimes it can be just changing WHERE we look for what we seek.
BUT - I've found if we can learn to communicate differently, use certain skills which are perfectly ethical and moral too - then we CAN get what we want out of life.
Change your mindset, your perspective, how you see things, and then change how you communicate those beliefs to others...
Which tells me, because I've been there - it not really THEIR problem - it's a ME problem.
If one person is not consistently getting positive results from an outcome - do you blame the outcome, or is it much more helpful to change our INTERACTION to produce a different outcome.
No one "deserves" to be handed to them ANYTHING, but ALL should be granted a freedom in the pursuit of life, liberty, and happiness.
And sometimes, given those freedoms - it's up to US to change to get what we want or want others to have in life.
In all honesty - when I could not get a woman to love me - my belief that is was a "woman" problem was wrong - it was MY problem.
And the same goes for women.
Maybe it's her choices in men, maybe it's her insecurities or low self-esteem that's driving good men away, maybe it's just because she hasn't learned how to communicate to men in a way which draws him in...
But CHANGING him is often a never-ending quest and a refusal to see the truth, just to make her (and me in my case) to feel better about ourselves doesn't fly or work, when in reality - there's nothing wrong with noting our weaker points - but there's definitely something wrong and unproductive with an unwillingness to use our stronger points to strengthen our weaker ones.
And that's how... "I got my philosophy..." as quoted from one of my favorite Ben Folds Five Songs Philosophy:
"But it's really not that you can't see, The forest for the trees - You just never been out in the woods alone."
And that's MY philosophy.
3. What is your opinion on pick up artists? Do you think there are any similarities between the two?
I have a VERY mixed opinion on pick up artists.
I believe in their "real" communication tactics but I am STRONGLY AGAINST their goals or end-results.
Meaning - IF his goal is to trick a woman into an easy lay or one-night stand and have her believing there's more to it, and that he's looking for something long-term - then he's no more than a CON ARTIST.
If we could prosecute him - maybe we should for being a con-artist, but the legality and proof would probably make that impossible, such as our current problem of sending the con man "Donald Trump" to jail.
However, the communication he uses are PROVEN to work.
Behind the bullshit exists some real techniques and skills being taught to generally good guys who just don't know how to talk to women in a way which highlights their attractive features and encourages (or triggers) a woman to feel attracted to him.
The definition of a pick up artist is no different than years ago (dating far back in history) which I believe were called seduction artists, right?
NOW - tell me what woman, in all her femininity does not want to be seduced?
Seduction brings massive orgasms. A heightened sense of sexuality. Feelings which can never be reproduced by just hopping on your mate and screwing them.
So there's a line - as far as I see it - the PUA isn't interested in long-term relationships - he just wants casual, no ties, sexual experiences and I'm okay with that, AS LONG as there's no trickery or false promises being made.
I firmly believe in people - and the smartness of women to see past his supposed bullshit, and in many of those cases - she KNEW there wasn't going to be anything more and she was content, sort of, with nothing more than a sexual experience with some guy - who probably has done it a lot making him a very good candidate for satisfying her sexual desires.
With that said - minus the game playing - many of men who fail with women CAN benefit from "some" of the techniques the PUA uses - and if he's a good guy, maybe he's in it for the long run, or uses them to attract a female - I'm all for it.
Minus the CON - a guy who is good at heart - and clearly shows it - then go ahead and learn the skills (of course with the added skills of relationship building and deep emotional connection which are extremely important to going long-term) of a PUA.
As far as the similarities - there are many...
Effective marketing - advertisements - appealing to emotions and benefits...
There are CLEARLY many similarities of communication going on, which in a strange way, is very closely related to how a hostage negotiator uses his skills of communication to bring peace to a violent "on-the-edge" circumstance.
We're talking about PEOPLE and science, and experience has given proven results in this area of what works best, and what fails every single time.
Psychologically speaking - it's not all from the same playbook, but humans DO respond similarly to certain tactics and techniques which do run the entire spectrum of business, advertising, marketing, and communication from attraction to dating to even relationships of all types too.
The SAME technique used to sell you something you were sure you needed, is closely related to the same technique a guy, good, bad, or PUA can use to sleep with you in as little as much time as possible.
As I stated earlier - a lot of the information or techniques are solid and VERY similar - HOW it's used and the end goal seems to separate them into being good, bad, harmful, or beneficial to both parties.
My quick conclusion...
This is a tough one to conclude but I'll try.
What you read today are my personal opinions of the dating business, the tough moderns problems faced in getting into a relationship, and the reality behind the techniques pick up artists use.
Marketing or selling a product is eerily similar to attracting others to form a long-term bond which can outlast our too short lives.
You of course have your own opinions and voice that must be heard so let me know below.
I'd like to finish off this interview with a quote that sums up the similarities being selling, salesmanship, relationships, dating, and most importantly - BELIEVING IN YOUR OWN PRODUCT... Yourself!
It was written by Evan Marc Katz.
Everyone Gets Hurt. The Happiest People Do This!
Not just confidence in your ability to choose a partner and navigate a relationship, but a loss of confidence in yourself.Here’s an analogy straight from Dale Carnegie’s “How to Win Friends and Influence People”:
Imagine a car salesman. He’s trying to get you to buy something from him, but the way he’s doing it is having the opposite effect:
“Um, so, I know you’re probably really busy today, but maybe, I don’t know, you might want to consider buying a Toyota Camry. Sure, it’s a little bit more expensive than other cars, and yeah, the economy is down, and yeah, you can probably get something just as good that is pre-owned. But maybe you want to test drive a Camry anyway?
No? You don’t? I kind of figured you’d say that. After all, there are tons of cars that are nicer looking, get better mileage, and have better resale value.
Wait – don’t go! I mean, you can go if you think there are any other cars you’d like better, but maybe you’d still like to buy a car from me today? I mean, I don’t take it personally if you leave – okay, that’s not true. I will take it personally if you leave, because I’m really quite desperate to sell a car this month and I haven’t had anyone buy from me in a really long time, and—“
Of course, this is a caricature of the worst car salesman ever, but the point should be clear:
Why would you buy a car from a guy who doesn’t believe in his own product?
That’s right. You wouldn’t.
The question for you – and it’s a challenging one – is this:
Do you believe in your own product?
Do you think that a man would be a fool to go out with anyone else?
Do you believe that the best men would want to commit to you?
Or do you inadvertently come across a bit like the insecure car salesman?
I’m not suggesting that you’re currently blurting out all of your own flaws or openly encouraging your dates to pursue other women.
I’m saying that your actions may indicate the same thing.
Every second you spend with a man who mistreats you, every week you spend with a man who fails to make you feel safe, heard and understood, you are demonstrating your lack of confidence.
Without speaking a word, you’re telling him you will stay in your dissatisfying relationship and that you don’t need to be treated better.
If you had confidence that you deserved more, you’d already be out the door.
So, why would a man commit to a relationship with someone who doesn’t believe in her own product? A woman who can barely summon any confidence in herself?
That’s right. He wouldn’t.
Everyone suffers a loss of confidence after a break-up. And yet, there’s something unique about love that always makes you come back for more.
The warm feeling you get when you wake up next to him on Sunday morning.
The belly laughs you share over your inside jokes.
The strength he demonstrates in making you feel better after a bad day.
The generosity he displays with each flower, dinner, and movie ticket he buys.
But the best part of being in love – in my opinion – is the least heralded one.
What people often forget about love is how wonderfully SAFE a great relationship is.
If you’ve never experienced that safety, I’m telling you, there’s nothing quite like it.
Opening Image by Estee White Photography.