Women appear to be very hesitant to say "Hi" to a guy they don't know and even more fearful of approaching them in public or during a private affair.
If you're one of them AND you're tired of waiting around for some guy to say something to you first, today's post will help (and show) you that it's perfectly okay to start a conversation with a guy AND to say "Hello" first.
In fact, it's recommended and advised because most guys are type two guys and will rarely, if ever, approach a woman AND lots of them ARE great guys.
You could all too easily miss out on a great thing if you're not proactive and DO something about it.
First - I'll show you a different way of looking at this problem so you're less hesitant and more confident about doing it.
Second - We'll get into "projections", interest, and what men commonly think when they're approached by a woman from a guy himself... me.
Third - You'll get some common examples of how NOT to show too much interest early on so you challenge him, get him to pursue you, which is what he wants, so you don't come off too forward.
Here are the most common objections on why women don't approach guys or say hello first:
You think it's a man's responsibility to make the first contact.
Maybe it is, maybe it's not.
BUT if guys are not approaching or starting conversations AND you think it's stopping you from getting more dates and meeting more men, you have a clear choice:
Wait patiently or impatiently wait as you grow more frustrated and probably bitter OR become proactive, make it happen, and THEN decide if the outcome is worth it.
You see - I DO believe in most ways that YES, it probably "should" be but as noted on my main page - MOST men are type two men, upwards from 90% and lots of them are great guys who just don't have the confidence or willingness to overcome their fears.
There's a lot I can do to help them out but if they don't seek it or find me, nothing's going to change.
Thinking this way MAY be right BUT it also means shutting out 90% plus of single men from ever meeting you.
Give YOURSELF a break, give THEM a break, give BOTH of you a chance, please!
You don't want to show interest because you believe if you do, it will make him feel like less than a man and therefore, not want anything more to happen.
Sure - some men (not many) might feel that way at first but done right and with the right amount of interest, those feelings will be quickly replaced as you offer him a real challenge AND the OPPORTUNITY to show you just how much a real man he is.
Think of it that way - you're not communicating he's not a real man - you are GIVING him a great opportunity to show you that he is one.
And that's a challenge most good men can never resist.
You don't want to show interest because you're worried or afraid he will reject you, or not be interested in you anyways.
I understand this is a tough one for you. NO ONE likes to be rejected. NO ONE likes to open up to another for fear of being let down or pushed aside or made to feel unattractive and unwanted.
BUT... try to think of it this way:
If you do NOTHING, you're only rejecting or disqualifying yourself anyways, which will certainly make you feel equally as bad.
If this thought process and lack of action continues to be a pattern in your life - you won't be avoiding a fear - you'll be amplifying your fears. It will only get tougher and leave you in a constant state of waiting rather than DOING.
Those who DO - regardless of the act, are generally seen as more attractive no matter what the outcome of the interaction.
You believe if he thinks you're too forward it will scare him away because guys like to be the pursuer and chase women. It's what attracts them the most.
You're right - guys do LOVE the chase. It's, in a way, hardwired into their feelings of masculinity and deep attraction to a woman.
The problem is - you're generalizing what being too forward actually means.
Let's say you grab a guy's ass or whisper in his ear, "Take me!" - yes, that's obviously being too forward and unless you're looking for a quickie with a guy you don't know, will only work to get you one and nothing more.
Keep it simple and keep your definition of the word as strict as possible and avoid stepping over that line and it WILL be okay.
Saying hello, flirting a little, showing some interest, starting a conversation... is FAR from being too forward.
As noted above but in a slightly different way - you MUST give him the opportunity to CHASE you AFTER the initial contact.
And if you don't cross that easily readable line of being too forward, you WILL give him a chance to chase you.
If you DO nothing - you're practically closing off any chance of something happening.
You're not sure what comes next, what would you say, and it makes you incredibly nervous and tongue tied.
Hey, I get you. This is not easy stuff for most.
EVERYONE gets nervous.
But when everyone is trying so hard NOT to screw it all up, they tend to live in a constant state of future living and lose so many great moments that happen in the PRESENT.
The greatest advice I've been given to help me get past all the future thinking was simply this:
Stop worrying about the outcome so much because you only have so much control (if any) over what is going to happen.
LEARN TO ENJOY THE PROCESS MORE THAN THE RESULT.
If you're struggling in this area it WILL affect many parts of your life which includes dating and relationships so please, get it taken care of immediately.
Here are a few great articles I love to help put it all in perspective. They're my "go to" posts from Mirabelle Summers as part of her Get A Great Guy (Video Promo) series:
You're shy - you've always been that way, and that doesn't seem to be changing anytime soon AND it makes you feel like you're missing out on meeting lots of great guys because of it.
I used to be an extremely shy person myself so I know where you're coming from and exactly how it feels. I missed so many opportunities in my very young years because of it too.
BUT it doesn't have to be this way at all. You CAN overcome it just start small or work your way through it everyday. Trust it's a lot easier to fix than it feels.
Again - as above - as you work through it, learn to enjoy the process more than the result and you WILL GET RESULTS.
The main two areas you need to look into to fix your shyness are: Self-esteem and fear. The sub-category is communication and having a plan in many of your conversations with everyone, not just men you like.
Here's the all time best book to help boost your self-esteem written by a guy who specializes in the field AND it's not that expensive at all:
(That is my affiliated link with Amazon.)
You'll find as your self-esteem goes up, your fears go down.
When you teach yourself how to enjoy ANY process more than the result, your fears will disappear.
I understand some fears are harder to overcome than others, I'll give you some pointers which helped me eliminate many of my earlier fears:
Start small. One at a time. You can do that by slowly putting yourself in positions which forces you to face them and see how the results that you imagined in your head were far worse than what actually happens.
Start taking some small risks in your life - it grows your confidence and makes you feel stronger.
Try new things - ANYTHING - any new endeavor helps you to notice and change your perceptions of what you thought would happen to waiting for IT to actually happen.
Fear is a very general prediction so by eliminating your overly predictive habits, you will in turn decrease your fears of the unknown.
Here is a article related to fears - the beginning might not be relevant today but will help you connect with a man and boost your confidence, which you'll need anyways.
Rori Raye has a great way and some marvelous and effective ways that has helped lots of women overcome their fears:
I've spent many countless hours helping men overcome their fears around women so if you want me to transfer some of my better material over to you, just let me know in the comment section and I'll see what I can do for you.
You overthink EVERYTHING and even if you "try", your mind freezes up along with your mouth and you just let a great opportunity pass you by - consistently.
This is a VERY common problem for men and women alike.
Overthinking is just another term for "brain freeze".
BUT the good news here for you, being a woman, ALL I'm asking you to do is say hello, hi, what's up, how's it going, and to get over the initial hump of opening something up.
Guys feel the same thing. The pressure mounts up, they overthink what they're going to say, they try to come up with the perfect line, and in those few moments inside their head - the opportunity to approach you disappears as quickly as it showed up.
Yet guys are expected to take the lead. Just because they don't does NOT mean you have to... and therefore, pressure relieved, right?
I KNOW you can say "Hello" or "How's it going?" - nothing to really memorize or worry about or there's certainly NO thinking involved at first.
What comes next may be a little frustrating or cause some anxiety so DO NOT go there. Do NOT go to the "what if" place - you don't have to lead...
ALL you have to do is OPEN THE DOOR and take it from there.
Quiet, calm, and relaxed body language.
Make eye contact.
It's the making a great, long-term, and attractive FIRST IMPRESSION.
Let's go back to Mirabelle and her Get A Great Guy Guide Video Promo to help you out with this one and quiet your mind:
That concludes the first section - hope it's helped you see things from a different and more positive perspective.
The second part...
Projections, interest, and what men commonly think when they're approached by a woman.
Men AND women generally project on to the world what they are feeling inside.
It's extremely helpful to not only understand what that means but also to help you see things from a guy's point of view.
A projection is when someone assumes or predicts a future event based on a past experience and how they feel about themselves.
Something I cover deeply in "The Silent Man" book which causes so many communication problems between men and women.
Here are some common examples so you can see what it means as it relates to him believing your interest in him just by saying hello.
If you walk up to a guy who believes every woman wants him, whether it's real confidence from a type one guy, a healthy, fun, and positive attitude, or pure arrogance, he's going to believe you are interested in him just by saying "hello".
There's absolutely NOTHING wrong with that at all. That's how he projects and predicts things AND since it's only interest in a meeting someone new perspective... it's actually a GOOD thing.
If you walk up to a guy whose thoughts are always stuck in his head- he won't think twice about it and until something else happens, it's doubtful he will think you're interested.
He'll probably be so wrapped up in making sure you like him, he won't have room in his brain for much of anything else.
If you walk up to a guy who is not very confident, less aware of women, shy, or nervous, he's going to be as self-conscious as the last guy, his thoughts will be mainly about what to say next. He won't think full "interest" until later when he "overthinks" the interaction.
If you walk up to a guy in a pub or bar, well yes, chances are he either thinks you're looking for a free drink OR you're hitting on him OR even that you might be looking for casual sex.
So yeah - bars, clubs, and pubs are not always the best place to approach a guy. Avoid doing it and no worries.
If you walk up to a guy in a market, he'll be a little thrown off and caught off guard (because it rarely happens) he'll be more FLATTERED than anything else.
Sure he might think you're interested in him BUT as noted several times, showing interest is actually necessary early on because most guys just don't see or get the clues or hints from women.
If you say hello to a guy at a concert, he'll think you're just having fun and meeting people.
If you "hit up" a guy online and it's dating site, he'll assume you're interested in him a little because that's why you're both there - to find a date.
IF you message a guy on a social media site, he'll quickly check you out and then, based on your profile will assume interest or not.
NOTICE how in each of those circumstances, INTEREST is there and how it's not a big deal, it's actually a good thing.
Each man in all those experiences tends to react based on projections and from who he is inside which has little to do with you.
When you introduce yourself to a guy - his response is based on himself and his past experiences with women - which again, has a little to do with you but not enough to stop yourself from introducing yourself to any man.
The projections above from a man are clearly different than yours in this areas and this works to your advantage.
When a random man approaches a woman she will normally be hesitant believing he wants something from her. It's generally called the "stranger danger" feeling but there's much more to it.
That "something" he wants can be anything from you phone number to yes, even sex.
What you believes he wants depends entirely on the situation (the context) and, what you are projecting on the world based on how feel about yourself and your past experiences.
Meaning - if guys are always hitting on you and get sexual way too quick or act like an ass, then of course you'll be weary or untrustworthy towards most men in many situations.
Likewise - if you've had decent experiences, some great relationships, men have been generally okay and nice to you - you'll assume (predict or project) a much different outcome when a guy approaches you.
When a random woman approaches a man he won't normally assume she wants something and this usually depends on where it happens and how attractive the woman is.
A man is not so suspicious of a woman starting a conversation with him.
He's less guarded and (social customs aside) less judgmental of the reasons why it's happening.
(Generally speaking of course but you can assume the guy who is totally against a woman approaching him - is NOT your type anyways. My experience has taught me that they're usually pricks who are no worth your time.)
Every guy you start a conversation with will have a different idea of what is happening based on the man, the context of where it is happening, and then a small amount of how attractive she is to him.
BUT... since most men don't have many experiences or are worried about being hit on or taken advantage of... they're more OPEN to it and assume less.
THAT is an advantage.
Which I believe is GREAT news for you and another perfect reason to say hello without the fear of being too forward, or have him thinking you're easy, or scaring a guy away who might believe you're chasing him.
Let's make a rule.
One which makes sense in every situation. One which stops all the wondering or caring about what it all means.
Yes, it's not good to chase a guy IF you want something real and you want him to move forward at a decent pace.
It's not good to show enormous interest in a guy early on.
However, since guys are not always good at determining a woman's interest and are less suspicious when approached by a woman, it's ABSOLUTELY and recommended you show a little interest very early on BUT just saying "hi" to a guy does NOT appear to be a clear way to do that.
With some guys, you're going to have to talk to them first.
Saying "hello" is not showing too much interest in most situations. You're merely opening a line of communication.
It's what you do AFTER which makes a the difference.
Now the rule has to have context so let's go over some of the probable situations in which you say hello first.
If it's a public place where people hook up all the time, I would NOT suggest you start too many conversation with guys. Let them come to you.
If it's on an online dating site, assume your first message is a sign of interest and back off quickly so he can take the lead.
If it's on a social media site, (this is a tough one) most guys are going to assume interest so back off a little too. (Not as much as an online dating site) Let him check you out and decide where to go from there. Do NOT show too much interest online because I believe most average men will assume interest anyways.
I'd make a context rule about "street approaching" a guy but I just don't see too many women who are even willing to try that one anyways but if you insist - say hello, compliment or comment on something, anything, related to him and let him take the lead from there.
Any public place including work, go ahead and say hello but during your short talk you must show a little interest, a little encouragement for the guy to understand what is going on.
You are NOT showing too much interest in those circumstances, you're merely starting a conversation with someone, that's it.
You will NOT appear too forward if you do it right and remember:
It's what you say or do after the conversation which shows interest. That's where you want to be a little less forward, a little more encouraging and open, but definitely NOT too forward.
I believe TOO many women have lots of objections or reasons why they won't say hello to a guy, approach him first, or just start a friendly conversation with him.
The reasons vary from being too shy to being overly worried that you'll look easy or too forward and you'll scare him away because guys like to chase women and feel more attraction to women who let them chase him.
My attempt today was to not only talk you out of it and get you to approach more men confidently, but also to give you a man's point of view of what we think and how we perceive "interest" from a woman that does say hello first.
It's been shown that whereas most men do assume interest, this interest in not often seen as being chased or looking too forward.
The chasing or assumption typically comes AFTER the first few interactions based on how you interact with him, of course.
There are way too many opportunities that are missed with some probable great guys if you sit around and WAIT rather than be proactive and do something about it.
And as long as you're not doing all the wrong things AFTER you meet a man - saying hello or introducing yourself to any guy you might be interested in certainly not going to far and will NOT ruin your chances with him.
GIVE the men you see an opportunity to meet you.
Let them know you're interested in getting to know them and then let them lead after because the right guys will.
Make the chance available for him to prove he is a "real" man as often as possible because way too many guys won't come to you - they really won't because they're type two guys who rely on luck and circumstance and let their fears run their lives with women.
From that point on - sure... if he won't or doesn't take the lead OR care to learn how, then it's all good because your relationship with him will just be one of the same anyways. It might be best to let him go.
Never forget, and this is coming from a guy...
Showing interest early on IS a good thing.
Most men miss the signs. They don't or won't ever see the signals that you feel are clear because to him - they go right over their heads and can all too easily make you feel you were rejected when you were not turned down.
He just was waiting for a red light to turn green while staring down at his phone and missed it. (Metaphorically speaking of course.)
Now what are you waiting for...
Go out and start introducing yourself to men and watch your dating life open up before your very eyes.
Related posts here at Why Do Guys to help you meet more men: