Why The Guys You Like Don’t Want You But You Don’t Want The Ones Who Do

Confused Woman Guy She Want Don't Like

There's this really cool guy you've had your eyes on... he's kind of stuck in your head. All deeper stuff aside - you really like him.

No matter how you found out - maybe he told you - maybe you eventually got the hint - maybe you went out on a date a few times...

He just doesn't like you back.

At least in the way you want him too.

The disappointment is upsetting but you learn to deal with the "rejection".

However during all this pre-excitement before you found out he's doesn't feel the same way... and this is the part the really sucks...

While all the frustration you feel about guys is driving you crazy and has you screaming to yourself, your friends; in the middle of your worst possible moment... something else is going on too which is beyond frustrating:

Some OTHER guy is chasing you - well, because HE likes you.

And for whatever reason why you're not feeling it for him - you just don't "like" him back.

This experience is common for both men and women.

It's the old you can't get want you want and you don't want what you can get.

Or as reader of mine once stated...

"Why Is It when I like A Guy They Don't Like Me and When They Like Me I Don't Like Them?"

This never-ending topic has been discussed for years and years and rather than go ( and on ) on about it, I'll do my best to keep the answer it simple.

There are several reasons why:

#1 - You're inclined or more likely to act "different" around those you feel the most attracted to.

You get lost in the moment and instead on focusing on what works - as in creating  attraction from within yourself and communicating attraction... you become someone a little different.

You start trying things. You do things hoping the other person will feel the same way.

You try to prove to him you're a great woman.

You try to out your best assets forward and "hide" the things you don't like about yourself and what you felt others didn't like about you from your past experiences.

These are things you do when you're feeling attracted to a man and NOT what you do when you're not feeling something for another guy.

For that "other" guy - you don't care so much. You let it all hang out.

There's no pressure to be liked back. There's pressure of dating. There's no pressure to avoid screwing something up or saying something wrong.

You're INDIFFERENT to the outcome because you just don't care if THAT guys like you because you're not at all interested in him.

AND oddly enough - that's when your REAL SELF, the best version of yourself comes out causing THAT guy to fall for you quite easily too.

TRYING is not good in attraction.

#2 - You're afraid of succeeding because you're not confident or sure what to do, once you get them.

The fear of success is so common it's frightening. Can I actually that say that? Anyway...

You get worried once you "get" someone you won't be able to keep them or stop the from going to another woman.

This fear of the unknown (stemming either from a lack of confidence or experience or both) often causes you to do things to assure you're never put in a position to be hurt.

You're more likely to stick to your complacent life rather than risk the unknown because it's comfortable and decreases the chance of being hurt.

We'll stick to our complacent lives rather than risk the unknown because it's comfortable.

You know what failure feels like. Most do because it's happens way more than success in everything all of us do or try in our lives - that is until we finally get it right.

You know how to deal with failure. You've set up a plan in your head. Sometimes it's a healthy one, sometimes it's not but it' still a plan nevertheless.

When you act out of fear (as in cases like this) you avoid risk, you do things to avoid pain, you act less free and more confined thus hiding your more attractive self without even knowing it's happening.

Which has a strange effect on attracting others because what you're feeling is passed onto another and as it cycles through - it stops attraction in its tracks OR causes the other to believe you don't like them and they begin to feel rejected.

A lack of confidence mixed with an avoidance of risk presents a weak argument for creating attraction.

#3 - You aim high in your mind causing you to place your attraction on a pedestal.

This is not a clever way of stating that your standards are too high. I don't believe that to be true for anyone. It's NOT another way of saying you only go for men who are "out of your league".

What I AM saying is that when you place a higher value on your attraction than you feel about yourself, you make them appear unattainable to YOU.

When you place another on a pedestal any attraction for you will decrease regardless of many other things that may be in place.

Status is a major player or force in attraction. Most advise men on the subject but it goes both ways. Most guys place their attraction on a pedestal decreasing his status in your eyes.

Most women (generally speaking) build up their guy in their head - act as if he has higher status AND they also place themselves lower making it appear he's on a pedestal.

That's a terrible combination and will make you feel like you can't have the one you want while the other guys - who you place equally or lower than you - feel attainable and therefore you'll be more like to attract THOSE guys.

#4 - You act different around those who are attracted to YOU.

Take number one above and reverse it.

When someone is attracted to you - most of the time you feel at ease or comfortable. You feel more free to do whatever you want because you know - without a doubt - that guy is attracted to you.

You're more likely to act aloof and a little less caring.

You're not so worried about screwing it up.

You're also less hesitant about walking away or giving up on him because something in your mind is telling you - he'll still be there.

These actions give your courage, strength, resolve, confidence, and a fearless attitude which only make your attraction even more attracted to you.

IF you were to act the same for ALL men - then this problem takes cars of itself and suddenly you start attracting men who you thought was not possible.

#5 - The people who are attracted to you, the ones you don't want are afraid of their own success with you.

Yup. Just like #2 above but in reverse again.

The pattern is obvious.

They're focus is on fear. They have little experience. Show very little confidence because if they do - they must then learn to deal with the consequences.

So instead of focusing on creating an attractive connection - take the well-known path of failure because it's safe.

It's hard to feel attracted to someone who is playing it safe with you all the time.

Kind of feels like,

"What? So I'm not good enough or worth the risk??? Thanks!!!"

Notice who each one of these has a counterpart.

This one - just like you being afraid of success with someone you DO like - is fearing success with YOU and typically end up preempting the destruction of attraction before it has time to take hold deep in their emotions.

Which in turn - causes you to feel rejected and unattractive to THEM.

#6 - They are putting YOU on a pedestal.

It's practically impossible to feel a real attractive connection to someone who's kissing your ass beyond any reasonable things you do that are just considered nice.

Someone who is begging for your approval. Someone who "needs" you to like them back.

It feels desperate, clingy, and it only makes you either take unfortunately advantage of him, or feel empathy towards them.

And both of those feelings are as far away from attraction as you can get.

Empathy has little or no place in attraction. We feel empathy towards victims NOT attracted to them.

So while someone feels less about you because you build them up too high which causes you to act differently and less attractive to them - the many guys you DO NOT like are doing the same to you.

You lose respect for them. You lower their status. You see them as too easy. You see them as very little of a challenge.

Making them not worth your time or effort to continue anything beyond a friendship.

The pattern above is quite consistent unless you work on few things to stop this from happening to you:

Learn how to not act too differently around those guys you are into but there's a catch to doing it. There's a delicate balance which needs to happen or else the guy may never figure out you're even into him.

So... just acting like you don't care won't do it. You still need to subtly hint and give him the impression you're into dating someone - maybe not him until you two both agree you'd be interested in getting to know one another.

Eliminate any fears of success or failure which may stop from attracting a guy or cause you to preemptively screw it up.

This is a big one because fears are everywhere and cause so many problems in everyone lives.

Avoid putting a guy higher than you status wise or on the pedestal as they say. It's not your standards that need to change - it's HOW you see YOURSELF.

See yourself and believe you ARE a prize and ACT like it in a non-arrogant but confident way.

There's no need to tell you how to stop guys from feelings attracted to BUT you can see from above why... if this happens consistently to you - WHY the guys you don't like always seem to want you and they in turn - need to work  on those items and more.They're generally what I call type two guys which can read about here or sign in below to read the full book. It is free.

All this is not too hard to achieve - you don't have to be stuck forever being chased by guys you're not interested while pining over the guys you DO want.

Credits and help eliminating this problem:

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This article was posted in Dating – Interpretations Of What Went Wrong & How To Make It Right, What Guys Want From Women – Their Likes & What They Look For In You

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9 comments… add one
  • Wendy

    That scene from “My Best Friend’s Wedding” comes to mind. When Michael is chasing Kimmy, followed by Jules. Haha… I’m always being chased by guys I like as friends, and the guy I want is chasing some other girl or just not into me. It amazes me anytime I see two people falling in love; or getting married… it just seems like mutual love is the impossible dream, like winning the lottery. I have had a lot of men pursue me, except the only 2 I’ve loved in the last 10 years have FZ’d me. I’m not trying to be too selective, but I have a ‘type’ and they’re rare unicorns I guess. When I find a guy who fits my ‘type’ I immediately think he’s the one, but he never agrees. And I just can’t settle for less… I can’t be with a guy I’m not head over heels for. And that feeling happens SO rarely for me. 🙁

    • Thanks for sharing Wendy. Great points, well articulated, and I Loved reading it.

      Unfortunately I believe the clarity you think you’re seeing is actually holding you back from finding and finally enjoying this “mutual” love you’ve been searching for.

      No lottery. Luck only play its role when we’re ill-equipped or not prepared to take advantage of it. We make our own way in life and set things up so the universe appears to “want” to throw some luck our way. However it’s unreliable and fickle.  🙂

      Being selective is a good thing. It works better though when we learn the skill of qualification too. You can’t just throw out men right away or haphazardly. You have to give some of them more time than others.

      Granted if you’re not feeling it for a guy, that may never change, but it’s typically because they’re a type two and don’t know how to trigger your attraction. A terrible shame put on the male species to weed out the bulk of them.  🙁

      You wrote,

      “When I find a guy who fits my ‘type’ I immediately think he’s the one, but he never agrees.”

      Clearly, you want a type one, lots of women do.

      If you’ve wrapped your emotional states, fly by the seat of your pants gut feelings, and your logical side to respond this way immediately after you meet your type, you have lo and behold found your answer.

      Change the rarity part and meet more dudes. If that’s not obvious but must be said. Not only meet more, but expand your reach and broaden your sights outside your normal box.

      How To Meet & Attract The Best Man For You – He’s Waiting For You!

      Next… You’ll definitely want to explore and re-train your thoughts to fire something different, better, attractive, and more positively productive when you do meet your type.

      This will require lots of objectivity performed on your part and most definitely you must immediately begin to erase and eliminate a big part of your limited belief system that’s been growing and filtering itself into your daily routine.

      This mindset (instant reactions, limited beliefs, etc…) has been hindering the attraction process from happening to you and getting from the type ones. The ones who will step up, lead, and purse you. They… get it!

      The thing is, I don’t know exactly when it happens. The moment where it shuts down and the man decides to not pursue you in a anyway. Or if he’s doing it from afar or if it comes after you’ve interacted a lot.

      Knowing this will help you a lot. That’s for sure.

      I believe you can find it though. I believe you can “have your cake and eat it too”  🙂

      Thanks for leaving your thoughts. It was really cool of you and hey, guess, guys like cool women… so play it cool Wendy. 🙂

      All the best.

  • Hannah

    This hit home. And I can’t stop being nice to the guy who doesn’t want me. We dated, he faded and can’t even say hi now. But I still greet him with a smile, still try, then feel stupid.

    What’s the best way to create attraction? I used to be shy so was aloof, now I’m friendly – neither works with guys I want. It’s like there’s some secret I don’t know.

    • Peter White

      Hey Hannah,

      The best way to create attraction is to just “be” an attractive person. Since every man varies on what they find attractive you’ll find it difficult to attract a specific guy. In the beginning, he’ll either find you attractive, a little, a lot, or not at all. You have very little control over that part. Trying to change “that” after the first one or two meeting won’t do much at all. It’s either there or it isn’t.

      If you focus on just one guy too much you’ll find it often fails and leaves you not only wondering what you did wrong but even more attracted to the guy you who isn’t that into you.

      You can be shy, aloof, friendly, and some of that will draw certain men in and push others out or have them not meeting you. You’ll find trying one or the other won’t give you the results you want.

      Which is why making yourself into an attractive person who attracts lots of different men will give you options and choices and leave you on the end of luring the men you really want in.

      The key here is to avoid focusing on one man alone. Avoid putting emphasis on the outcome of your interactions with men you find attractive.

      The other important part is what happens AFTER the first few meetings. That’s where you have the greatest control over your interactions with guys. That’s where you’ll either push men away or lure them in closer to you so they can begin to feel a deeper less physical attraction.

      So, don’t go changing for one guy thinking it’s going to work on him – because it rarely does.

      Research what “real” attractive people DO (and more than the physical attributes) and build yourself into someone who naturally attracts people into your life.

      Doing so will inevitably and consistently give you more options, more choices, and a good reason to stop yourself from falling too quickly for just one guy.

      All the best to you Hannah.

      Your guy friend,


  • Claudia

    My problem is that only macho men like me and the delicate effeminate men don’t like me 🙂 What can I do ? I must pursue them and I hate that.

    • Peter White

      Why do you believe you only attract macho men?

      And I don’t think you have to necessarily pursue any man, you just have to put yourself in positions or circumstances where something is more likely to natural happen AND of course it helps to know how to lure a guy closer.

      Luring a man or chasing him do feel like two different things to guys.

      Chasing is following him around, always calling, constantly going to him asking way too many questions, etc…

      Luring is giving a little and then stepping back a few times while at the same time saying, “Come and get me you fool or you lose. :p”

      Again most men understand the difference.

  • Claudia

    It’s not like that. It’s not his interest in me that matters, it’s my idea of the ideal man and this is in my head and has nothing to do with their behaviour.
    If I like a guy or not it’s for his looks and mind and not for his interest or lack of interest for me. If he will put me on a pedestal and he’s also my type, I’d be like in heaven. And if he’s not my type and plays hard to get too, I’ll feel disgusted and don’t even consider him a friend .
    Also looks and mind is not what people consider to be great, it’s what my mind thinks it’s great. Most women like viril looking males, I like effeminate men, it’s my type and I can’t fight against it. Again, it has nothing to do with his interest in me.

  • kelly

    Peter…..why do guys smile with u when they dont even know u.Like a complete stranger guy n i was passing by him…..he was smiling and looking at me.Then he wud make eye contact when he wud c me.
    I wud like to kno y do guys do tht when they dont kno the girl.
    And also help me with this…..there ws a guy he wud look at me, when i looked at him he ws smiling to himself.Why do guys do tht?
    Thanks 🙂

    • Kelly – guys smiling at you is not a problem. I would be more concerned over guys giving you dirty looks. This is NOT a man thing. I’d say people smiling at one another is a GOOD thing.

      They smile cause they’re happy, happy to see you, are in a good mood, want to meet you, etc…

      Sorry I do not know what it means when someone smiles to themselves.

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