The answer lies in the causes of the phenomenon.
We lie for three main reasons and these give rise to three categories of lies:
1. The Empathic Lie - is a lie told with the intention of sparing someone's feelings.
It is a face saving lie - but someone else's face. It is designed to prevent a loss of social status, the onslaught of social sanctions, the process of judgement involved in both.
It is a derivative of our ability to put ourselves in someone else's shoes - that is, to empathize.
It is intended to spare OUR feelings, which are bound to turn more and more unpleasant the more we sympathize with the social-mental predicament of the person lied to.
The reverse, brutal honesty, at all costs and in all circumstances - is a form of sadistic impulse.
The lie achieves its goal only if the recipient cooperates, does not actively seek the truth out and acquiescently participates in the mini-drama unfolding in his honor.
2. The Egocentric Lie - is a lie intended to further the well being of the liar.
This can be achieved in one of two ways.
The lie can help the liar to achieve his goals (a Goal Seeking Lie) or to avoid embarrassment, humiliation, social sanctions, judgement, criticism and, in general, unpleasant experiences related to social standing (a Face Saving Lie).
The Goal Seeking Lie is useful only when considering the liar as an individual, independent unit.
The Face Saving type is instrumental only in social situations. We can use the terms: Individualistic Lie and Social Lie respectively.
3.. The Narcissistic Lie - is separated from his brethren by its breadth and recursiveness.
It is all-pervasive, ubiquitous, ever recurring, all encompassing, entangled and intertwined with all the elements of the liar's life and personality.
Moreover, it is a lie of whose nature the liar is not aware and he is convinced of its truth.
But the people surrounding the Narcissist liar notice the lie.
The Narcissist-liar is rather like a hunchback without a mirror. He does not believe in the reality of his own hump.
It seems that where the liar does not believe his own lies - he succeeds in convincing his victims rather effectively.
When he does believe in his own inventions - he fails miserably at trapping his fellow men.
Confabulations are an important part of life. They serve to heal emotional wounds or to prevent ones from being inflicted in the first place.
They prop-up the confabulator's self-esteem, regulate his (or her) sense of self-worth, and buttress his (or her) self-image. They serve as organizing principles in social interactions.
Father's wartime heroism, mother's youthful good looks, one's oft-recounted exploits, erstwhile alleged brilliance, and past purported sexual irresistibility - are typical examples of white, fuzzy, heart-warming lies wrapped around a shriveled kernel of truth.
But the distinction between reality and fantasy is rarely completely lost.
Deep inside, the healthy confabulator knows where facts end and wishful thinking takes over.
Father acknowledges he was no war hero, though he did his share of fighting.
Mother understands she was no ravishing beauty, though she may have been attractive.
The confabulator realizes that his recounted exploits are overblown, his brilliance exaggerated, and his sexual irresistibility a myth.
Such distinctions never rise to the surface because everyone - the confabulator and his audience alike - have a common interest to maintain the confabulation.
To challenge the integrity of the confabulator or the veracity of his confabulations is to threaten the very fabric of family and society. Human intercourse is built around such entertaining deviations from the truth.
This is where the narcissist differs from others (from "normal" people).
His very self is a piece of fiction concocted to fend off hurt and to nurture the narcissist's grandiosity.
He fails in his "reality test" - the ability to distinguish the actual from the imagined.
The narcissist fervently believes in his own infallibility, brilliance, omnipotence, heroism, and perfection.
He doesn't dare confront the truth and admit it even to himself.
Moreover, he imposes his personal mythology on his nearest and dearest. Spouse, children, colleagues, friends, neighbors - sometimes even perfect strangers - must abide by the narcissist's narrative or face his wrath.
The narcissist countenances no disagreement, alternative points of view, or criticism.
To him, confabulation IS reality.
The coherence of the narcissist's dysfunctional and precariously-balanced personality depends on the plausibility of his stories and on their acceptance by his Sources of Narcissistic Supply.
The narcissist invests an inordinate time in substantiating his tales, collecting "evidence", defending his version of events, and in re-interpreting reality to fit his scenario.
As a result, most narcissists are self-delusional, obstinate, opinionated, and argumentative.
The narcissist's lies are not goal-orientated.
This is what makes his constant dishonesty both disconcerting and incomprehensible.
The narcissist lies at the drop of a hat, needlessly, and almost ceaselessly.
He lies in order to avoid the Grandiosity Gap - when the abyss between fact and (narcissistic) fiction becomes too gaping to ignore.
The narcissist lies in order to preserve appearances, uphold fantasies, support the tall (and impossible) tales of his False Self and extract Narcissistic Supply from unsuspecting sources, who are not yet on to him.
To the narcissist, confabulation is not merely a way of life - but life itself.
We are all conditioned to let other indulge in pet delusions and get away with white, not too egregious, lies.
The narcissist makes use of our socialization. We dare not confront or expose him, despite the outlandishness of his claims, the improbability of his stories, the implausibility of his alleged accomplishments and conquests.
We simply turn the other cheek, or meekly avert our eyes, often embarrassed.
Moreover, the narcissist makes clear, from the very beginning, that it is his way or the highway.
His aggression - even violent streak - are close to the surface. He may be charming in a first encounter - but even then there are telltale signs of pent-up abuse.
His interlocutors sense this impending threat and avoid conflict by acquiescing with the narcissist's fairy tales.
Thus he imposes his private universe and virtual reality on his milieu - sometimes with disastrous consequences.
The author above is assumed because it was found in an affiliate sales-kit intended to reach an audience who may be interested in purchasing the products listed below.
I enjoyed reading it and learned something as it does contain related and detailed material on the narcissist which is also contained in my book.
James Bauer is a dating and relationship expert who has coached couples to help them achieve a happier more productive marriage.
You can browse all his articles at why do guys by clicking the link below:
How To Connect With Your Man Even When He Seems the Most Distant & Far Away!
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Don’t Do This Unless You Want To Push Him Further Away!
When you’ve shared a special connection with someone, it’s hard to let it go.
Especially when you know there’s so much potential if he would just open up his heart to you again.
You could build a beautiful life together.
If that’s something you want, it makes sense to try to convince him to give the relationship another shot, right?
Why wouldn’t you try reasoning with him?
Why wouldn’t you try to show him he’s making a mistake by pulling away?
Yet this is where our instincts get it all wrong.
And it’s because trying to convince your ex simply doesn’t work.
In fact, it’s almost guaranteed to push him away.
Fortunately, there’s a simple way to powerfully open his heart up to you again...
The secret is to learn how to trigger his feelings.
You see... feelings will always trump logic. Every time.
Because emotions run the show for us.
We humans are not as rational as we’d like to believe.
That’s true of all forms of decision-making, but especially when it comes to matters of the heart.
I’ll show you what I mean. Let’s try something.
Take a quick look at this list of don’ts:
Don’t Do This:
- Don’t argue that he owes you an explanation since you know he still has feelings for you.
- Don’t tell him the relationship was going just fine and then try to get him to own his share of the blame for why things began to fall apart.
- Don’t imply he owes you something after all you’ve been through together.
- Don’t tell him real relationships take work and he needs to grow up.
- Don’t try to prove you shared something special by forcing him to acknowledge specific examples from your past.
Notice how you felt as you read that.
It’s probably clear that all that telling, convincing, and arguing will get you nowhere.
In fact, it will simply reinforce the painful emotions that are driving him away from you in the first place.
Because his brain will automatically come up with counter-arguments.
For example, if you tell him things were great in the past, he will immediately test if that’s truth by scanning his memories for contradictory evidence.
He’ll start thinking of all the fights, the frustrations, and other low points.
He’ll mention those problems. And this will reinforce your efforts to convince.
You’ll end up showing him your worst side.
And if that goes on too long, you’ll become bitter, resentful, and maybe even sarcastic.
It’s a death spiral any relationship.
You know it’s true.
This is how we all react when something matters to us deeply but the other person refuses to be convinced.
This is not what I want for you to show him.
Don’t try to convince.
Instead, let HIS emotions do the work for you.
When you trigger certain powerful emotions within him, you will draw him irresistibly back into your arms.
The kind of emotions I’m talking about will make him dream of a future together and dread the thought of losing you.
These are the kind of deep emotions that lifelong partnerships are built upon.
There are many ways to trigger these kinds of emotions in your man, and it’s not always easy to know exactly what to do.
If you’d like laser targeted advice about getting your ex, or distant man back into your life for good, then my friend and relationship expert James Bauer has an eye-opening presentation for you.
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Photo of man probably lying by Pixabay.