She was one of my favorite clients, and her words kept echoing through my mind...
"He doesn't see the point, James. That's what he said to me. So I don't see the point either. If I can't win his heart with your help, I must not be cut out for love."
And that was it.
She ended our Skype session. And because she lived on the other side of the world, I couldn't even tell her it was me who had failed.
I had taken too big of a risk. Something my gut warned me against before I even gave her the advice.
But I ignored my gut. I went for the "big win." Because I wanted to satisfy my own ego. I wanted her to be amazed at how fast I could turn the tide of her relationship.
I was young, and naive. And I was practicing the complicated art of relationship coaching.
I felt like giving up. So I went to my mentor for advice.
I had come to trust her words of wisdom whenever things seemed to fall apart.
This was one of those days. And I needed to see her.
I sat across from her with my face in my hands, trying not to feel the sadness and bitter frustration.
I was lost in my thoughts. Lost in my self-pity. But she looked past the pathetic man sitting across from her. And she called out to the man she had agreed to mentor.
"Though you might want to believe otherwise, you are destined to fail as a relationship coach. It's just part of the learning process. You will make mistakes.
And sometimes it's going to hurt. But let me remind you of something you told me long ago.
You told me you are on a mission to find the secrets of relationship success. And every time you fail, you refine your ability to guide others toward success."
She had a special ability. The ability to call out the strength and resilience in others. The ability to reignite the fire that drives a person's core motivation.
My core motivation? I wanted to be the best. Not just the best around, but the best there ever was.
And for a long time, that blinded me. It slowed my progress. Until one day I realized I could never be the solution to someone else's relationship.
You see, beauty sometimes erupts spontaneously in relationships between a man and woman.
I wanted to understand why.
So I got out of my own way. I started to search for patterns. I searched, and I searched.
And this is what I found.
With the right triggers, both men and women are designed to fall in love.
We are literally hardwired to fall in love. We are not meant to be alone.
Did you know it's illegal to own just one guinea pig in Switzerland? I'm not making this up.
In 2008, they passed several new laws about pet ownership. The one about guinea pigs recognizes the fact that they are genetically hardwired to thrive with companionship. While loneliness takes a serious toll on their health.
Of course, psychologists have been telling us the same thing about humans for years. Our physical and emotional health is largely dependent on companionship.
In fact, if you were stranded on a deserted island with a man, everything that's feminine about you would call to him. Without competing distractions, the two of you would be destined to become a couple.
But here's the question I became fascinated with:
How can you amplify the natural triggers that cause romantic attraction?
As I watched for clues, I began to see universal patterns. Relationship patterns that seemed to show up over and over again just before something beautiful emerged in a relationship.
Then I began to discover ways to trigger those patterns.
These triggers could cause a couple to leap forward to deeper levels of intimacy and commitment. Sparking a new level of intimacy that could only be called "true love." A selfless way of loving that was absolutely beautiful.
You can probably imagine my excitement. Studying patterns in relationships became my new obsession.
That was long ago. But I never stopped searching. And I've discovered a few relationship patterns you might like to know about.
The Strangest Thing Men Desire
It's okay if you want an amazing relationship with a man. It's okay if you refuse to settle for a lukewarm relationship.
But if you're going to go all out, and really build a beautiful relationship, you need to share that dream with the man you invite into your life.
And to do a good job of inviting him, you have to understand what's enticing about a relationship from a man's perspective.
In fact, you'll want to interact with him in a way that feels almost like a proposal. And here's what you're proposing:
"Let's reject cynicism. Embrace what's beautiful. And create something magnificent."
But what holds those qualities for a man? What seems "magnificent" to a man?
He doesn't see a relationship the same way you do. So it's important to know how men see relationships differently.
That way you can frame your invitation in a way that gets results. You can frame your invitation in a way that connects with his natural drive to create something beautiful with you.
You'll wet his appetite. You'll trigger his desire to go after a deeper romantic connection with you.
Sounds good, right?
So, what is the beauty a man sees in a committed relationship? Well, it might sound a bit odd to you at first, but here it is:
A romantic relationship satisfies a man's craving for companionship to the extent that it fits with his identity...the way he wants to see himself.
Understanding this one statement will give you tremendous power in your relationships with men.
So let me explain.
Generally speaking, we seek out relationships because of the other person's qualities. We love someone for who they are.
But we also seek out relationships because of the way other people make us feel about ourselves.
Let me offer a short story that illustrates this concept well.
When I was in high school, there was a girl named Stephanie who had it all. She was tall with a pretty face and a nice figure.
Her dad was one of the richest guys in town and gave her the choice of any brand-new car she wanted for her sixteenth birthday. Nearly all the popular guys in our school stood in line for their turn to date her.
I did not stand in line.
If you asked me if she was an attractive person, I would have said "yes" without a second thought. However, I was not attracted to the idea of myself in her presence.
She was taller than me by a good inch. She wore clothes that made mine look shabby. And the worst thing was her silly way of interacting with people.
I was kind of serious during my high school years, driven by my appetite for achievement. In contrast, Stephanie liked to engage people with as much silly banter as she could.
It's not that I couldn't see the value of that playful style of interaction; it's just that it didn't play to my strong suit. I could imagine myself feeling awkward and unlikable compared to her when trying to interact with her friends.
In contrast, my friends appreciated my tendency to deeply consider questions before responding. I had my silly side too. But I wouldn't want to be that version of myself twenty-four-seven.
Here's what I'm getting at...
When I'm attracted to you, it means I want more of you in my life. But attraction also means I enjoy being me when I am in your presence.
I don't know if you have noticed this, but you change depending on who you are spending time with.
Some people draw out one facet of your personality while other people draw out a different facet of your personality. Like a diamond with many facets, the light you reflect back at others changes depending on your surroundings.
"Some people are so much sunshine per square inch."
~ Walt Whitman
This quote captures so much truth. I personally like myself better when I am in the company of people who have that special "sunshine" quality.
The sunshine quality is very different than Stephanie's silly quality. You can be reserved in your demeanor yet beaming with sunshine as someone approaches you to strike up a conversation.
It's not that I like a sunny kind of person more than I like a sad person. I love them both; but I like myself better when I spend time with a woman who has that special sort of "sunshine"
Here's the number-one reason why I think you should consider how a potential partner brings out various facets of your own personality. My reasoning is reflected in the quote below.
"Live life as a monument to your soul."
~ Ayn Rand
I want my soul to shine as I live my life. Therefore, I want to choose a partner who will help my soul to genuinely shine.
Does this make sense to you?
Do you only look at the qualities and characteristics of a potential partner?
Or do you consider how they magnify or dull the radiance of your own best qualities?
Relationship Success Is Predictable
Being successful in relationships (in anything, really) is simple: just make the right decision at every turn.
One of the delights of my career has been meeting people who can actually do this. And here's what differentiates really good decision-makers from the rest of us.
Some people just seem to have a knack for getting what they want out of life. But it's not just luck. These people have learned to recognize patterns.
And when you can see patterns unfolding around you, it's almost as if you've been given the ability to predict the future.
So I'll say it again.
What separates exceptional decision-makers from the rest of us is pattern recognition. This is the ability to see patterns. Patterns that give you the power to see the invisible framework that causes things to happen.
I'll show you how this applies to your relationship in just a minute. But first, take a moment to recognize something important. People use pattern recognition all the time.
What makes a high school student the star football quarterback? It's his ability to almost instantly recognize patterns on the field and make split-second decisions based on pattern recognition.
What allows a world-renowned physician to make a diagnosis that others missed? He hears the same list of symptoms, but his deeper knowledge of an illness allows him to spot patterns other doctors didn't recognize.
How did you learn to change the route you drive to work depending on the time of day? You noticed traffic patterns that allow you to avoid congestion and take alternate routes.
Here's the point.
Pattern recognition allows you to get more of what you want.
The ability to spot emerging patterns in your relationship may be the most critical skill of all.
It's not experience. It's not memory. It's not intelligence.
It's pattern recognition.
Because it allows you to create your own luck.
But here's the really interesting thing. You can deliberately improve your pattern recognition to get much better results in your relationships.
And perhaps the easiest way to do so is to study the patterns other people have already discovered.
It works better and faster than trial and error.
The fact is, you already use pattern recognition all the time. Without even realizing it, you combine past experiences, intuition, and common sense to predict what will happen next.
And you can do so with a fair degree of accuracy.
The problem is, much of your intuition and common sense is gender-specific. Meaning it is based on your own personal experiences in relationships as a woman. So it often fails you when you try to understand and predict what a person of the opposite gender is thinking and feeling.
That's where I can help.
Pattern recognition can be learned. It's a skill you can keep getting better at for the rest of your life. A great place to start is by learning to spot the patterns other people have already identified.
This stretches your mind in a good way. It causes your mind to start recognizing other patterns that are more subtle and unique to your relationship.
Let's take a look at three relationship patterns. I've specifically selected these patterns for women who want to get more romantic investment from a man. Think of these patterns as male attraction triggers.
The 3 Patterns That Unlock His Passion and Romantic Desire
I'm going to show you three patterns that affect how people think and feel. As you'll see for yourself, each of these patterns is very simple.
There's no rocket science here.
In fact, the first one applies to both men and women. So you'll probably recognize this first pattern from your personal experience. But the second two patterns have to do with the way men experience relationships and emotion differently.
All three of the following patterns build on each other. They become something that is greater than the sum of their parts.
Stick with me and you'll develop a very useful insight about the way the man in your life thinks and feels.
The Happiness Pattern.
People are happiest when making progress.
And it doesn't matter how tiny or incremental your progress is. As long as you feel like you're making progress, your brain is designed to release feelings of happiness.
It's like a built-in reward system designed to keep you interested when something seems to be working.
And the funny thing is, progress is more important than goal attainment. In other words, people are happier when they are making progress toward a goal than they are after having achieved the goal.
Yes, there's always a little feeling of celebration after you reach a goal. And that glow of positivity can stick with you for a few hours or a few days, depending on how important the milestone.
But in the end, that positive feeling fades. Because you get used to your new circumstance.
But happy feelings will return as soon as you set a new goal and start making progress again.
Have you noticed this pattern in your own moods? Many people don't notice it. But numerous psychological studies have proven this to be a very reliable pattern for predicting human happiness.
If you want to be happy, set a goal, and make it a very small goal. Go for incremental progress.
Young children play computer games because of the way these games regularly deliver a sense of satisfaction. And that satisfaction comes from making regular progress. They make progress by getting from one level to another, by gaining points, or by winning small battles.
In fact, this is why the modern era has seen the emergence of a new form of addiction: video game addiction.
Video games are designed to deliver little doses of happiness. Because there's always a little goal right in front of you. The rewards may be tiny, but they are nearly continuous.
Now consider this.
Society and genetics have wired men to pursue achievement as a way of gaining approval. And that partly explains why a man only feels happy if he's making incremental progress toward a goal.
This is why many women have successfully used the "playing hard to get" strategy. They entice a man with the hunt, tapping into his instinctual drive to pursue something just out of reach.
But how does it all end?
What happens once he finally captures your love and affection?
Sadly, the intensity of the relationship often fades.
Now here's the good news. There is a never-ending way to engage your man's drive to pursue you. And we'll come back to that in just a minute. But first, let's examine another pattern.
Man on a Mission.
If a guy has feelings for you, he's going to want to make you happy. But there's a problem with that.
The goal is too vague. And he's not exactly sure how to accomplish it.
Plus, guys aren't that good at predicting what will actually make you happy. Because their pattern recognition mostly tells them what makes a guy happy. They don't have very sophisticated models when it comes to the opposite gender.
As a result, men often feel frustrated in romantic relationships. Sometimes they get grumpy with you as if it's your fault they can't make you happy. He's frustrated because he's not getting the little jolts of happiness that come from making progress.
Imagine a 14-year-old girl fleeing a war-torn country. She's alone, and she only has a few possessions in the small backpack she carries with her. Imagine her plight as she tries to figure out what to do upon arriving alone in a foreign country.
Now try to imagine the plight of millions of people fleeing from a war-torn nation. It's not quite as easy, is it?
And I bet you don't feel the same tug of empathy on your heart when you try to imagine millions of people, do you?
Why is that?
It's because our capacity for feeling empathy declines as our ability to offer meaningful help declines.
This is a pattern of the human mind. A psychological effect called "compassion collapse." And here's why it's important. This phenomenon is much stronger for men.
Because men are naturally less empathetic than women to start with.
Here's the pattern I want you to recognize...
A man will drift toward not caring unless you trigger his empathy. And you can trigger his empathy by giving him ways to please you that are specific, concrete, and easy to picture in his mind.
Doing so triggers feelings of happiness, because now it feels like he's making progress. He'll feel excited about the relationship he's building with you. He will feel more emotionally invested.
Now let me put this in perspective for you. The truth is, men enjoy being on a mission, no matter how small. So you don't need to think up some elaborate plot to activate his mission-focused energy.
A problem can be very insignificant, but still trigger his mission-focused instincts. Lest you think I'm exaggerating, let me share an example of just how insignificant a mission can be while still bringing about a change in male behavior.
First, some background information. "Splash back" is the technical term for the mess men leave behind as urine splashes out of urinals and ends up on the floor and walls of a bathroom. As you can probably imagine, splash back is the bane of every custodian's existence.
In fact, that's probably what inspired Jos Van Bedaf, a custodian in Amsterdam's Shiphol Airport, to do a little experiment. He had the idea to put a small decal with a picture of a fly in each of the urinals, to create a sort of "target practice" for the men using them.
Did it work?
It cut the amount of splash back in half. Some estimates say it reduces splash back by 80%. All because they gave men a target to aim for.
Would it have worked to just nicely ask men to aim more carefully? No. Because it would not have triggered his mission-oriented brain to care.
And apparently, the fly picture is particularly effective as a target, because men see it as something unsanitary and unconsciously think a stream of pee will kill it.
Guys always respond well to the opportunity to be on a mission.
I know this example is a little gross. Sorry about that. But I shared it because it's also kind of funny. Particularly because I know it would work on me.
Plus, this example illustrates a broader truth about how men think and react. Show a man any kind of target, and he'll feel eager to prove his worth. Just make sure it's a target he can easily see and understand.
Watch for this pattern in the man you love.
Once you begin to look for it, you'll see it all the time.
You'll begin to recognize how powerfully it impacts his choices and motivates his behavior. He wants to be on a mission.
Does it influence his relationship with you?
And that's why I want to show you one more secret about how the male mind works.
The Attraction Trip-Wire That Awakens a Man's Deepest Longing for Love
Trip Wire: "A hidden trigger that sets off one or more explosive events."
Deep within the heart of every man is an intense longing to be someone's hero.
This longing has ancient origins.
You see, the cause of this longing is written into the very fabric of his DNA. And there it lies, dormant... until one day, the right trigger unleashes its power.
I'd like to show you how to become that trigger, and how to awaken the full force of your man's bonding instinct.
But first, a story. It's the story of human connection.
Before we can care deeply about someone, we must know something about their life story.
Because stories evoke empathy. Stories allow us to picture ourselves in someone else's shoes.
Stories form the foundation of all human connection. They create the sensation of one shared life experience.
In the movie Ocean's Eleven, actors George Clooney, Brad Pitt, and Matt Damon make for a cast of likable thieves. But beyond their good looks, we get pulled into the story.
We discover what's driving Danny Ocean's motivation to rob a casino. A casino that just happens to be owned by his ex-wife's new lover.
We can empathize with Danny Ocean's pain. And by the end of the movie, we are actually rooting for him to get away with it. To steal the money and disappear into the sunset with his
ex-wife Tess by his side.
Perhaps stranger still is the way we respond to fiction in the first place. A skilled novelist can have me on the edge of my seat, rooting for a person who doesn't even exist in real life.
Literary critics may scoff, but I actually liked the Twilight series by Stephanie Meyer. I think my hand was actually trembling from adrenaline as the Volturi began to march across the field, intent on destroying Bella's daughter.
But wait, that's all make-believe. So how could it cause a physical reaction in my body?
The answer, of course, is the power of story.
Since ancient times, stories have been the primary means by which humans communicated important information. Because of that, our minds are literally wired for story.
Stories influence our emotions. They are at the heart of communication. Allowing us to feel connected to each other.
When I reach the end of my life, I know which people I will want by my side. It will be those who have witnessed my life story.
The friendly, pretty nurse may be a wonderful person. But if she is a stranger to me, it doesn't matter what positive attributes she has. I will still feel alone. Because she does not know my story, and I do not know hers.
Knowing this instinctively, she will expend great effort to quickly summon my friends and family. The people who know my story.
To trigger a man's deepest feelings of attraction, you need to become a special part of his story.
You do that by revealing your needs and allowing him to help you meet them.
Because it triggers his hero instinct.
Here's the formula for triggering a man's hero instinct:
Story + Need = Activated Hero Instinct.
A man's hero instinct compels him to seek a relationship that lets him take on the role of a provider.
That's why guys fall for women who know how to trigger this attraction tripwire.
It sets off a series of reactions in his emotional world. It makes him happy in a way that's hard for women to understand. Because they do not share his deeply rooted instinct to become someone's hero.
Many women are vaguely aware of a man's desire to see himself as a provider. They understand, for example, why he may become depressed and pull away from others during a period of unemployment.
But these same women fail to recognize the power of the opposite effect...
Make a man feel like your hero, and you unleash his desire to commit to something more. He can't help it.
He just starts to see you differently.
It's as if your relationship unlocks a version of himself he has always longed for. It feels right in a way he can't put into words.
It unleashes his protective instincts, the noble aspects of his masculinity, and, most importantly, his deepest feelings of love and attraction.
If that sounds good to you, click here to learn more about this relationship enhancement tool.
It's something you can learn once, but then use for the rest of your life.
You already have needs and desires.
Why not learn how to translate those desires into requests that trigger his hero instinct?
Then relax into the warmth and passion he is only capable of showing to a woman who has triggered his hero instinct. A woman who knows exactly how to become the central character in his emotional world.
Ready to put this idea to use?
After watching this video, many women are surprised to learn a man can actually feel more deeply in love when he feels more deeply needed. That seems strange, doesn't it?
And yet that is the reality for men.
Many of us have a tendency to buy gifts of the sort we would like to receive ourselves. It can be like that with love.
We try to love our partner the way we want to be loved.
So you make him feel special.
Yet he seems unaffected by that.
You speak your own native love language to him. Apparently, he speaks another.
But I'm here to tell you about one incredible, universal method you can use to grab his attention by triggering his hero instinct.
Help him finally see you as the one.
James Bauer is a dating and relationship expert who has coached couples to help them achieve a happier more productive marriage. He also helps women attract men with the respect principle and the hero concept.
Image by Jonathan Borba found at Pexels.