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Is He Confusing You? Leave Your Questions About Men Here And Get An Answer From A Real Guy

If a guy is confusing you and you’re looking for an answer, you can leave them here.

When he’s doing something you just don’t understand and the answers you’ve found only seemed to confuse you even more, well then men might as well have a huge question mark posted on their face. STOP over thinking and tell us what you REALLY want to know about guys.

Is there something about a guy you wished anyone would finally give you an honest answer?

Your girlfriends are great but they might know know about the other side. They haven’t lived a man’s life.

Maybe your guy friends are not typical. They’re “nicer” than the “boys” you’ve dated. They don’t have the experience you wish they had.

Your family’s a little too close or perhaps too far. Either way they know you too well and their answers are more about you and not men in general.

You’ve tried searched out here in the great web but for some reason, you just couldn’t get a real satisfying answer. They, like I’ve been guilty of too, seem to open up more questions that satisfy just one of them.

Leave us any question below – Click Here

And now you find yourself here… wondering, hoping, trudging through a few posts, reading a few comments… it’s kind of nice but YOUR problem is different. It’s just not covered somewhere.

This page comes to you as an opportunity to leave a question (anyone) can answer but also it’s a starting place to categorize everything you wanted to know about guys.

Leave your random question about men and I just might feature it as a post – or I’ll throw you a quick answer straight from the instincts of a guy who understands men and wants you to understand us all better.

Here are the basic categories I’ve found most questions fall into:

  • Beauty
  • Breaking Up
  • Dating
  • Dirty Talk
  • Does He Like You
  • Flirting
  • Game Playing
  • Insecurty and Jealousy
  • Is It Love
  • Looks
  • Maturity and Masculine Men
  • Meeting His Needs
  • Online and Text Experiences
  • Reading A Man’s Mind
  • Relationship Problems
  • Sex Appeal
  • Sexual Desires
  • Stare and Approach
  • What Does He Mean
  • What Guys Want
  • What Men Like to Know
  • Why Do Guys Do…

( If you feel I’ve missed one then please let me know about it below…. thanks in advance. )

Now personally, if I was you – I would make sure you get all updates delivered to you personally. Be sure to commit yourself to truly understanding men.

Your Why Do Guys Newsletter gives you the latest major updates… You never know when an answer will come along you can truly relate to. You also get great advice about men from me , personal stories with women,  and of course you get the chance of having your questions answered personally.

But enough of that…

You Want Answers About Men and You Want Them Now!


Then what are you waiting for… comment anything your heart desires and keep your eyes out for the answer.

PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE LEAVING YOUR QUESTION – I will be monitoring your comments and sometimes it may take up to 24 hours for your comment to appear. Please be patient. I Can NOT answer everything but I’ll try. Keep it fun and we’ll all learn something. – Pete

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576 comments… add one

  • Lara

    First of all excuse my English as it is my third language.
    So i met this guy over the summer at a party and we instantly hit it off, as soon as he left he started texting me and asked me out for a coffee. We were gonna go, but i had to travel for a couple of days, when i was away, he would text me almost every day and when i came back he invited me to his brother’s house party. At the party, he took me to his room and we kissed, i told him then that i was actually a virgin and that i didn’t feel ready to lose it right away seen as i felt like it was leading to sex. He started freaking out for a bit which really upset me. Anyway we saw each other a couple of times after that where also he tried again and i also said no. Then i had to leave the country for a month. And during this month, he never texted me, we never spoke and i didnt want to initiate contact as i didnt want to seem desperate. I asked one of his friends and she told me that she spoke to him about me and he told her that he didn’t want a relation ship and that because i was a virgin he didnt want to start anything without being able to ‘follow through’. When the summer was over, i wasnt completely over him, i kept thinking of what couldve happened between us if i had never left. Then a few months after i met him he would share love songs on facebook, post statuses about how he cant stop thinking of “her”. Then very recently, i saw him again, my brother came back from university and because he’s really good friends with the guy’s brother, we spent the holidays with his family. It was very awkward between us two, he would ignore me, barely speak to me, but i always felt him looking at me and when we would speak, he would look at me straight in the eyes and smile, we would joke around, he would show me card tricks and flirt for a bit and after the flirting he would pull back and ignore. Also, one night, i was at his house, hanging out with his family, his laptop was plugged on to the tv, and he opened his facebook and went on a girl’s profile, his younger brother asked him who the girl was and he replied “a hot girl”, i dont know if he said that to get a reaction out of me or get me jealous..i don’t know. I’m very very confused by his behaviour. Do you think he likes me? Or is it his way of showing me he isn’t really interested?
    Thank you and a happy new year.

  • Sarah

    I have been having trouble lately disappearing & I don’t understand why? I was seeing a guy about 9mths ago & we were dating for about 2mths & everything was great. We held hands out in public, he introduced me to his friends at a picnic & he even kissed me in front of them & they were mostly all couples there. Well one day he just stop returning my phone calls & messages, so I waited 5 days & called him, he did pick up but wouldn’t tell me what was wrong or why he was ignoring me, just that he was busy & we’d talk later. So through text message he explained that he isn’t ready for something like this? I said something like what? I didn’t even ask for a next step in our relationship. I was just seeing him & dating & seeing where things would go. So I took his trash out one day & cleaned some dishies in his apartment, just to be nice & helpful & he said that that made him feel like I was falling for him more than he was falling for me. Truth is I am just a really clean maybe OCD person & things like that just bug me , but at the same time he also came over my place & said he loved how organized I was & he wished how he could be more tidy & organized like me. So he said that made him feel overwhelmed & didn’t know how to act. I told him that he was emotionally unstable if that bothered him & that most guys that I ever met would’ve loved it. So basically that was the end of that. Now, 4mths ago I was seeing a guy & again we had great chemistry, lots of fun together & seemed to be best friends & hitting it off just great. He took me on great dates, took me to the White House, was my own personal tour guide because he worked at a college & was very intelligent & intellectual. I was so excited & head over heals, he actually asked to be exclusive with him & only date each other….but without a title yet. Well after that conversation in person, Didn’t talk to me or respond to my messages for almost a week. I of course start thinking, is everything ok? Did you get into an accident? Are you conscious & other things like “what did I do Wrong” another disappearing act! Eventually he responded with, I’m sorry I’ve been bogged down with work, finances, & metal stuff? Never got an explanation for what Mental Stuff meant but I said well I was just worried & concerned if you were busy I just would’ve been fine with that reply. I also said if you weren’t ready to be exclusive than maybe you shouldn’t of said it. He said he had nothing else to say at this moment. So that was the end of that one. Now currently, I am/was talking to a guy for 2weeks or so & hung out a few times & he was texting me everyday after work & asking me how my day was & always seemed very interested & consistent in my life. Well now its been 3days & not much of a word out of him. I’m wondering when am I going to get out of this cycle of dating these confused men? The first one I explained I think he had just commitment issues, the second I think he might of been gay or bi or confused maybe about his sexuality, (I say that based on word from people he went to school with & thoughts of my own I came up with) this third one, I’m not sure if it is an age issue or being that he is going back to school next week from break & only has a few mths from graduation, He is 24 , & I am 28, even though he says he is looking for a companion & a relationship & he is very mature for his age & is in medical school with a very difficult major since out of high school when he was 18. He could be lying & really just want sex & I haven’t been interested in any of that, Can you blame me with my luck with men? But now I feel like he is getting quiet with me, only to lead into another failed relationship & me walking away confused & not understanding why again & my heart & my feelings being hurt again. I fear that one day I will never want to ever let anyone into my life or my heart in fear of me continuing this awful pattern. If you have any words of advice or any explanation of what you think could be going wrong I would gladly appreciate the help. I’m at the point where I’m looking for any kind of input in the right direction. I need help in knowing what is going on here. Thanks-Sarah

  • Jasmyne

    So there’s a guy i know through a friend i don’t seem if that often but recently we all went out for dinner and drinks i sat across from him at the table and we were all talking having a good time and i noticed that he would stare and me and we would both smile at each other and look away and continue on talking amongst the group. well anyway we got to our final course desert and i was eating this chocolate thing and he was like oh you should try it with this red wine and he passed me his glass and watched me bite and a sip and he just watched and then i was trying the other desert it was made with bananas and im allergic but didn’t realize it had the bananas in it and i was like whoa my throat is itchy i didn’t eat enough to have a full on reaction but i was rubbing my chest and he was like are you okay and very concerned. now i dont know if he was being like this out of just being “nice” or if he may be interested in me. later after dinner the 4 of us decided to go to this other place down the street to have some drinks well we hung out for a bit there and when me and my roommate were going to leave she got up and gave the guy i like a hug and he stayed seated but when i got up to give him a hug he got out of his chair to face me.. im looking for some insight from a man that maybe able to give me an understanding of what this could mean thanks

  • Emily

    Hi Pete!

    I need some assistance please : ) I need a guys mind! I met this guy at work. Every time I saw him he was friendly and he would make a point of saying hi. He would ask how I was, which I get, this is all basic friendly etiquette, though, there was one particular time when he seemed to be overly friendly. He really took an interest in what I was doing. He came up to me and asked for a favour but it just seemed like that was not all he wanted to ask or say to me.

    I’ve seen him be overly flirtatious with other women. Mind you, I’m on the more quiet side and when I’m attracted I start to feel nervous. He was never like that with me but when he left the room he turned around, faced me and said goodbye in an awkward and funny way. A few weeks later after not seeing him for sometime because he was at a new location, I approached him as I dropped something off. I tried to be open and be friendly with him. He made a point of carrying on the conversation, asking questions to get to know me better. The only thing though, he seemed very nervous. It seemed almost as if he was taking breaths after each sentence and kept his hands in his pockets. He asked if I was starting at the same location. I told he I wasn’t. Then he asked me if I was going to be there later on that day. I’m not sure if there is anything to this meaning or if I’m just reading too much into things. Was he just being friendly or could there possibly be more to it?

    • Peter White

      Hi Emily,

      Your assistance is here. :)

      Okay, keep in mind some guys ( well people ) are just plain nervous and jittery. SO let’s not read too much into that. If you get a chance to see him interact with others you can should be able to see if he’s just a nervous guy or not. Which can help a little.


      He seemed overly friendly. He took an interest in what you were doing. He asked for a favor which appeared to be probably just an excuse to talk to you. He then ( during a second time ) started to ask personal questions to get to know you better. Then he asked where you going to be later on that day. ( Maybe just in case to ask you out… )

      Well the hands in the pocket and the loss of breath are obvious signs of someone who is holding something back. Possibly trying to figure out a way to ask you out or get your number for later but showing a lack of confidence he decides to wait until later.

      Let me make this point about men… just being friendly can easily mean there’s more to it. How else would a guy approach you, by NOT being friendly. :)

      So aside from the nervousness and the friendliness because they are signs a guy “likes” you: He took a special interest in you. He was looking for an excuse to talk to you. He asked personal questions to get to know you better AND he inquired WHERE you were might be later.

      I’d have to say you could not read too much into that at all and just assume there’s more going on.

      All the best to you Emily,


  • Jasmine

    Ok so there’s this guy i’ve been crushing on at work for a few months now. At first he was a bit stand offish when i first started to talk to him and he was a little mean. And it felt like it was me who started all the conversations. So when i found out he prefers to date white women (i am half black and half native american) i decided to back off since i’m not his type. But when i stopped talking to him as much, he started to tease me back, and start conversations, and even sit with me at the break table. He’s even done a few favors for me without much asking (sometimes he offers). He also stares at me a lot, we’re always making eye contact. He once told me he thought i was pretty enough to run in a beauty pageant. But he hasn’t made any serious moves on me so I’m not sure he if likes me that way. And I don’t know if i should make the first move. I don’t know if he be receptive to my advances since i’m not his type. I want to hang out outside work but i don’t know to go about asking. And i don’t wanna make things weird between us.What should i do to move this “thing” we’ve got forward.

    • Peter White


      Preferences have little to do with ATTRACTION. A guy either feels it or not. He might reason or think about what he prefers physically in a woman but he no control over feeling attracted.

      Preferences are usually reserved for after the dating begins to help us decide whether a relationship is possible and that point they ( mostly ) have little to do with your physical attributes.

      I’m not going to lie to you – it’s going to get weird. There’s no way to avoid that. If you stop yourself from moving things forward to avoid that weirdness you could miss out on something and then, well it’s going to weird anyways, right?

      You don’t necessarily have to make the first move, you just have to ( sort of ) lead him into doing that himself. He’s probably “prefers” :) that anyways. Allow him to believe he’s taking the lead and then, “happily” follow as if it was his idea in the first place.

      You do that by finding common ground outside of work, something you both enjoy and “suggest” how cool it would to DO that. Now he might not be able to follow through, he might “chicken out” or not know how to ask, or he might even be hesitant for the same reason you are, things could get weird…

      But in the world of dating, if he’s not able to take it to the next level, I guarantee that has little to do with you and how he’s “feeling” it for you. Meaning guys reject themselves more than the reject women because so many of them just don’t know how or feel confident in doing those things.

      Remember this stuff is not taught to guys by accident. They have to learn if from someone or from somewhere or they need to learn to get out of their own way.

      Very few of them get lucky or do it naturally. If they don’t take the time to learn HOW this stuff works they miss opportunity after opportunity and lots of them end up settling.

      We learn a few things while we’re young which might work but then just as we get comfortable with it, suddenly the rules change because our social life changes as we enter adulthood. Making the matter just a little more complicated.

      Now mostly we make it more complicated than it needs to be. We read too much into it with all the signals and shit BUT that’s guys advice. :)

      Okay, so forget about preferences for now.

      Find some common ground and do your best hinting as you flirt and see if he takes the “bait” and ALLOW him to take the lead.

      If he doesn’t, don’t blame yourself. Sure there are things we ALL can do to make more things happen but that’s a personal path only you can know right now.

      Hope it all works out with as little weirdness as possible Jasmine. All the best of luck to you,


  • Maggie Wayne

    Maggie Wayne


    Been here before last year I think reading through and your insights have saved me in a lot of many men woes. :D Anyway, I am just having a little bit of clueless with this ex of mine that always comes back communicating with me, we talked after 3 weeks of the break up on what happened but he said that he doesnt really know what he wants he cant explain why he do what he does . In summary, We’ve dated for 6years done most couples do but what broke us off was a sudden blow up from me. You see ex was a very whiny kind of guy with a touch of demanding. He was cool to me, Intelligent in a geeky weird and with the 2years I didnt mind that he was all over me and he is basically glued beside me I didnt mind it at all, but what got to me was the negative whiny ways he goes on about what irks him. I blow up and just utterly said f*** Ive had enough of this and just left. what may work for others of talking through and find compromise doesnt work for me since when I do am angry and blow up it takes forever for me to blow up so I need time to let off steam and just wait it out. By the time I came back and level headed he was seriously emotional and IDK I decided that I have enough of that kind of relationship. Fast forward after a week I found out he had a new girlfriend and have practically moved in with him which I didnt (I wasnt ready to play house – commitment is serious to me and living together before marriage is not included). I go on with me life and after 3months of absolute NO CONTACT ( blocking him in fb, deleting skype, changing numbers and lucky was transferred to another umbrella branch moved to a different state). ive never been the kind of person to play with relationships thus I have only a few numbers and most of it all have been long term.

    So my question is, how could a mature man be still clueless of what he wants and still want to go back to me (his ex) … he keeps on leaving me emails that he wants to be friends again and that if i still dont want to talk he will understand it, but I still get emails from this guy everyday. I dont understand why talking to an ex would help in mending a broken heart?

    • Peter White

      Hello again Maggie Wayne,

      Men hold on to their feelings for a very, very long time If they’re strong enough to begin with. On top of that when a guy opens up to a woman, even if it’s only minimal, she knows or learns things about him he won’t normally let out. Especially to his “guy” friends.

      Now that depends on little on the type of guy you’re dealing with but in this case I’d say…

      He comes to you because he feels emotionally safe with you and trusts you. Now he might not “let it all out” all the time but I’m sure to him, you’re almost therapeutic. While the world or the rest of his life might be fairly uncontrollable, you could easily become and probably have become that one stable thing.

      Keep in mind it seems you’re dealing with a very emotional man. Needy and kind of desperately seeking the emotional safeness only a mother could possibly give.

      With his negative whiny ways it might feel the world is against him. He may feel powerless and therefore try to control everything and since he’s feels “smart” actually believes he has ALL the answers and just understand why the world won’t just do it “his way.”

      But enough of that… hell I’ve been there before myself. Strange as it seems, sometimes us “smart” or “smart ass” guys think we have all the answers. :D And sometimes we have SO MANY answers the weird thing we learn from them is, they don’t help us achieve anything again, making us feel helpless and powerless.

      With all that said…

      He still feels close to you. Able to open up. YOU understand him. You developed a friendship with him while you were dating and that kind of friendship is hard for many men to ever give up AND he’s still attracted to you.

      Making you, the one who got away… forever locked into his world.

      Nice to see you again Maggie… welcome back,


      • Maggie Wayne

        Hey Peter White,

        nice of you to answer finally my question. I was actually starting to give up hope of you answering my question based on your very very veryyyyy schedule and I honestly understand that. Thank you for taking time in enlightening me about this cant leave me alone ex-boyfriend and like most of what happens after relationships fail. It does get better after a few days till you finally realize its been over months since the last time you have felt torn upside down. Now, with that said. Ex did finally gave up on trying to win me back. He blew it with going for a rebound and it doesnt work for me – not a very forgiving kind of person anyway, and I also think that he was emotionally draining while we were dating each other. So I am sure that I am better off without him and he is better off without the bossy me planning every detail of our lives etc. He is no longer with the redhead girl though so I guess that is why he wanted to try to get back with me since she dumped him. and not getting any success with another woman. I am not with anyone myself but I am definitely not going back to him.

        Thank you. YOu are the best

  • Kelly


    I hope my question gets answered. And I’m loving the advice your giving it definetly makes more sense that most things I’ve read….

    Ok my confusing situation. I met and was talking to this handsome, funny, smart.. box ticker.. I mean he was everything I’d ever wanted and more. Despite the fact that he was fresh out of a marriage and in the process of getting divorced we just felt an instant connection so we took it slow. We started casually dating and for a few months things were going pretty well I’d met his mother, and been to his place a few times we went on proper dates had the most amazing conversations and just clicked. Then he started acting different.. Pulling away.. Not responding like he used to.. And the penny dropped when he began mentioning that he was back in contact with an ex (whom he had had an affair with whilst married) he had actually left his wife for this girl and they had a relationship for a year, then he went back to his wife. Anyway, he said the old line I think we should be friends… By this time I was so in love with him I just agreed so I could spend time with him.. But we don’t act like just friends.. We have slept together once since him and the ex got into a proper relationship.. But I made it clear that if we were to be friends then that can’t happen. Despite what I feel for him. And it hasn’t. But we still hang out together weekly, he’s still in a relationship. I really don’t want to lose his friendship but I can’t go on like this…. Do you think he actually does care about me? He has said he is very fond of me and is always there when I need him. Or is he just having his cake and eating it? What should I do next? Cut and run or stay friendly with him and see what happens?

    Thank you

    • Peter White

      Hi Kelly,

      I’m not sure if whether or not he cares about you should even be considered. If you’re being hurt by all this, then you need to separate yourself from the situation so you can better focus on finding a different guy. One who doesn’t hop from relationship to relationship and woman to woman.

      Sure he’s fond of you, he was fond of his wife too but he cheated on her. He’s also fond of his ex, who he’s back with after leaving the relationship after a year.

      There’s a definite pattern he’s showing and I see no reason why he’s suddenly change that pattern. He gets in relationships he’s either not ready for or not sure about, then either he gets bored or realized it’s not what he wants so he either distances himself or causes a breakup by going to another woman.

      You don’t have to run but if you believe you can’t handle it, and your feeling for this guy will always have you hoping he’ll next come to you, then yes, you’ll do yourself a huge favor by distancing yourself from him.

      Listen Kelly, commitment is NOT what this guy is about since he’s proven he doesn’t actually know what it means or how to be in one, and I see no reason to believe with you, suddenly things will be different.

      Sure you can stay friends with him BUT think about his ex-wife and his girlfriend or whoever they are and how YOU fit in all of it and I believe you’ll have the answer you’re looking for on what your next move should be.

      If you firmly believe you can handle it all, despite your feelings for him, you have every right to see him on a friendly basis BUT keep in mind, if something happened before, who is to say it won’t happen again and where will that leave you?

      Next ask yourself if it’s the friendship you really want, OR are you just hoping or want to believe somewhere deep inside you, that someday he’ll change his ways and be YOURS and yours only. Which you clearly can tell from your experiences with him, commitment is NOT his strong suit.

      Whatever you decide, I do hope the bigger picture I’ve given you has made a easier to help you decide what’s best for YOU and what you want from your life and what you’re looking for from a guy.

      Since I didn’t hear much about what YOU want at this point in your life, I’d start considering THAT to be your new main focus.

      Hopefully all turns out the best for you Kelly,


  • Sophie

    Hi! So I have a major crush on this guy in my department at school. He’s a grad student and I’m an undergrad. The first couple of times I would see him around, I was sure he was checking me out. We would make eye contact (4-5) seconds whenever I see him around, and he always looked nervous. We’ve never formally introduced ourselves, but we have had a couple of extremely casual conversations consisting of witty banter and nervous laughter, but I have always initiated them. About a month ago I plucked up the courage to smile at him passing by, and to my surprise he smiled back! But since then, there have been a couple of instances in which he has (seemingly) avoided eye contact with me. What is his deal? Is he shy? Does he not like me? What do I do? I don’t want to be too forward and scare him away, but also I’m graduating this semester, and I would like to make a move sooner rather than later! Any tips for a shy girl crushing on a shy guy?

  • elly

    Hello Pete

    Erm, so, there’s this guy I like, we are college mates and few months ago we started became friends. He doesn’t know how I feel bout him and he only takes me as a girl friend. He’d sometimes call me bro and doing bro fist with me which is cool for me because I thought ‘It’s fine with being just friend and all’

    So, this guy is not the type of guy who lingers with many girls, like, he’s only been in relationship twice and yeah, basically, he’s inexperienced with girls. When he was having problems with his last girlfriend (now his ex) , he seek for my advice and all (still, I’m fine with it, they ended up breaking up though. Yippie! Hahaha)

    I don’t know when is the turning point is but now.. I don’t know, I think he has started to like me back? Like, he usually texts me first these days, (sometimes he said he sent the message to the wrong person, not suppose to be me but his pal, duhh) , and he will let me know when he’s sick, and he’ll accompany me through texts when I’m having hard time to sleep. He also compliments me a lot, send me cute emoticons like.. I don’t know. There was a time when I told him that I’m going to replace my glasses with contact lens and he said “no, keep ur glasses on, don’t” and when I tweeted that I’m sick or anything, he will text me, asking if I’m okay. He also had once ask me if there’s any guy in my study group member. I said yes and his mood changed like..obviously.

    Okay, maybe you will think that the signs are all too obvious so why do I need your help. You see, recently he keep saying something like “Yeah, you like me, don’t you?” And if I jokingly admit or shoot him back with the same question, his respond will be “yeah,as a friend, as a friend” like, is he friendzoning me or what? I’m confused.

    Does he likes me too or is he just tryna be friendly? What should I do with this guy, seriously..

    I appreciate ur effort to read this cheesy college girl love story, hahaha. Thank you!

    • Peter White

      Hello Elly,

      Guys don’t normally accuse “cheesy college girls” that they like them unless they’re fishing for a sign that you like them back.

      Chances are if you’re not giving him the answer he wants, ( whatever he thinks that could be under the circumstances ), he’ll act aloof and avoid the risk by saying, “Sure as a friend.”

      It doesn’t sound like he’s “friends zoning” you or trying to be friendly. It does sound like there’s something more going on.

      I would definitely start putting both of you in situations where something more could happen naturally so you both can avoid the “Do you like me because I like you” thing. Start slowly by turning up the heat on the texts you’re sending him. Be a little more flirty and slightly provocative in them. I would also start to refrain the “fist bumps” by just avoiding them altogether.

      Just again avoid the whole “I like you thing.” and I hope he does too because it gets awkward. Just turn up the heat slowly and if he gets it, he will respond positively or in a way which you tell you that you’re only in his friends zone. Which I highly doubt is the situation.

      If he says again, “Yeah you like me, don’t you?” either say, “No, of course not.” and then smile. Don’t answer his question with a question. You can even answer, “That depends…” and then give him a coy smile back. Just don’t follow through with it. Leave him hanging a little.

      Use those nightly tests to safely turn up the heat. They’ll probably feel more safe to him.

      AND please, you both need to start being in situations where something “accidentally” could happen. Something fun, close, and a little private. Use your imagination and just make it happen. I’d suggest some things but I’m not sure what “cheesy college girls” do for fun. :D

      Hope the friends zone is the last place you’ll eventually find yourself in with him so wishing you the best of luck,


  • Andrea

    Hi, i need some advice here, please :)!

    Like almost 5 years ago a met a guy and he was really nice and he liked me but i didnt liked him. I just wanted to be friends. We sometimes stayed in contact even when he got a girlfriend for a few years, he was allways really nice and also clingy and i allways saw that he had a weakness for me. (when i saw him at a party or bumbed into him in the streets)

    So he contacted me after he broke up with his ex and we went out for some drinks, and it was really nice to see him again and just talk about stuff. After a few dates i said to him that i liked him and he liked me too. He said he didnt want to have a relatonship AT ALL, but neither did i.

    So the time flew by and we saw each other so much and it felt like a relationship and i fell in love. I wanted to have a relationship with him but he didnt. He wanted his freedom and go out with other girls (he didnt do that when i was dating him) but he allways said it. In the first 1,5 month he acted like he was my perfect boyfriend and he wanted to be with me the whole time and he was so interested in me. After 2 months i ”broke up” with him caus i wanted a relationship. I was devastated. After 4 days he came by my house and said he missed me and wanted to be with me but didnt want to have a relationship at all. So it started over again and a few days after that we decided this wasnt working…. in the next 1,5 months i texted him regularly and he responded really cool and short. He came by my house a few times but that was only caus i asked if he wanted. But he kept his distance and i felt that (he doenst want to hurt me or play with my feelings)

    Before christmas he finally wanted to drink something with me again so we did and it started all over again. In the beginning it was nice because i felt like his girlfriend but after 2/3 weeks he only wanted to see me one day a week. I couldnt take this so i said to him i wanted to see him more and want to get to know each other better and eventually an relationship in the future, he didnt wanted this at all so we broke up again. He was very kind and loving for me and said all the right stuff: he is gonna miss me, im sweet, kind, generous, gorgeous…… But he also said he really liked me but he didnt put me on number one priority. I said to him ok, but then you dont like me THAT much. I said yea i dont know maybe, im just not that busy with girls or thinking about having a relationship i just want to go to the gym and chill with friends and have one night stands if i want to. So we stopped what we were doing but we also decided to stay in contact with texting.

    Soooooo…… I called him yesterday and i said i missed him. OOOH why did i do that? I feel so stupid. He didnt say it back but he responded really cold and didnt really say much. Only that he doenst want to hurt me at all but he allready did it. And the problem was about him so he couldnt help. I felt so horrible after this, so the next morning i texted him and said it was stupid what i said and he said he allways wanted to talk to me and he felt horrible about it caus he doenst know what to do with i said i miss you. So i said to him i wanted to talk soon and he reacted really nice.

    But what should i do now? let him go? wait untill he contacts me because he needs some time to think? I want to make him work for me and doenst take me for granted. The past few weeks he wasnt that really interested in my personal life but he took me everywhere though and was also clingy. I just really dont know what to do now or how to feel. Im constantly worried that he hates me now and he doenst like me anymore. And that in eventually in the future he would never want to have a relationship with me.

    soo can you help me out?



    • Peter White

      Hello Andrea,

      Yes, it’s well past the time to let him go so YOU can begin to move forward again. He’s been more than clear with you on “what he wants” and it isn’t a relationship.

      If you continue on this path you’re likely to miss out on a guy who IS ready, willing, AND capable.

      You mentioned how you want him to work for you… but YOU’RE doing all the work and getting nothing for it. Also how “he’s taking you for granted” , that’s because he knows exactly what you want, how much you’re willing to give up for him, and how you’re there for him… waiting, hoping, and ( sort of ) chasing his commitment and when you don’t get what you want, you walk away… Probably thinking maybe this time he’ll start to chase you.

      BUT men rarely if ever are willing to chase a woman who is constantly pursuing them. A man’s instinct is to hunt, to be the pursuer, to work for her, to be challenged to BE more AND when it is granted to them, they value the “prize” very little.

      As awful as all that sounds, the one thing that could possibly change the nature of this relationship is the one thing you haven’t done yet…. move on, seek out, and actively date other men. Until you find a way to move forward and keep moving forward, he will more than likely never pursue you or want more.

      And even then it’s no guarantee he will suddenly be ready for something more. He’s made that very clear and I’m willing to bet the one woman who can make him feel ready, will blindside him. She will come out of nowhere. She will be unlike anything he’s experienced before. It will quite literally be beyond his control to chase her until the very end and he will work his ass for her. Unfortunately if that’s not happening with you, he feels no reason to work harder.

      Please take all this with the kindest of meaning. Move forward. Onward… and don’t look back. That is what’s best for YOU and probably the only thing which could change the dynamics IF and ONLY IF you’re doing it for yourself and not to peek back thinking he’s finally going to chase you because if you do it for the wrong reasons, it’s likely to fail or backfire and leave you in more pain than you are now.

      Thanks for writing in Andrea and wish you all the strength to continue forward,


  • Kim

    Hey Peter,
    So there’s this guy in my class. I keep catching him looking at me ever since the first day. I’ve never talked to him but he looks at me every time I walk in. He’s moved to a seat closer to me every class. I sometimes look at him back but he looks away. I want to talk to him but I’m too shy. I dont know why he hasn’t talked to me because he talks to everyone else. I don’t know what I should do!!

  • Emily

    So there this guy in my group of friends and I’ve caught him staring at me 3 or 4 times now in the pat month and I think he might like me. The first and second time I caught him staring he looked away as if it didn’t happened so I though I was just seeing things since I’ve had a crush on him for a while but this past week I caught him staring at me and when I looked at him he didn’t look away he just kept staring. I don’t know if I’m reading into things or if he actually likes me since he never talks to me ( we eat lunch together) he’s done other things that make me think he does but I just can’t tell since I’ve only known him since August

  • Coco

    Hi Pete,

    I met Joseph when he moved into the same building where I lived.
    We become good friends and saw each other often, alone also with roommate and his friends.
    Although it was obvious we were attracted to each other from the start, I was fresh out of last relationship
    and our age difference (he’s 14yrs younger than me) made me hesitant.
    He would not push, which i respected and made me like him more.
    We did this happy platonic yet flirty friendship for 3 months then boom we got together.
    We became very close quickly and are together as a couple for 3 months now.
    We speak about everything, and we are like 8yes old kids when we are together we have so much fun.
    We are both slightly autistic which only few close friends would notice but he noticed it immediately.
    We relate to each other deeply. and he understands me.

    He told me he’s been so lonely all his life till he met me.
    and he’d point out things about me that he loves about . He’s able to express his emotion which i’m not so good at.
    He made me feel relaxed and happy and we have lot of talk, activities, and passionate sex.
    Previously i’d go crazy in love French movie style, but with him i’m happy without the madness of being in Love.
    I care about him as my love but also a lot as a friend and sometimes like a little brother.

    He left on 3 weeks holiday few days ago. He was supposed to come stay with me on the last night.
    He got a call from his friend. She (is his ex) has a serious trouble and Joseph and his roommate have been helping her
    get through it for the past year. His roommate (who is her best friend ) was away so he went to help her.
    He called me on his way to hers saying that he really wants to see me that night. and he’d come as soon as the helping business was done.
    2 hours later on his way out from hers he sends me long message that he can’t come see me and that he needs to be alone.
    (I don’t think he means juts that night but alone in general)
    adding that
    -the ex friend situation is unrelated.
    -he started thinking about his life after the work meeting on that day
    -he had the best evening with me the previous night
    -he thought a lot about me and him (after the work meeting)
    -he’s depressed and confused with his life and scared, need to be alone.
    -he still wants to see me on the holiday destination (we planned to meet there)
    -he guess i’d resent this message and leave him
    -begging to let him sort himself out.

    In my usual relationship I’d take this as a cue for breakup.
    I don’t know what happened that day and we usually have a good communication with each other
    It’s out of his character to text good bye.
    He knows me well, he’d know that i’m not the type of person who can’t handle good byes.
    Which makes me wonder what he means by this message.
    I’d be sad to lose him as my love but more so I’m concerned with his state. He’s on remote island alone.
    I’m not communicating with him since then to give him the space, but i’m so worried if he’s ok.

    What should I do Pete?
    take it as bye bye,
    or try to help him get through it. but how ….
    Should I still join him on the holiday.

    This happened totally out of blue i’m not able to figure it out.
    Apologies for long writing, I wanted you to know the background.


  • Brittany

    Okkayyy. So this guy that works at the bank is always super nice and fallows me like a puppy and smiles and laughs every time he see’s me. He even will fallow me up to the window and fill out my deposit slip for me.Then my mom and younger brother went in to deposit my check for me, he looked down and saw my name and said oh your brittanys mom and said where I worked and he said tell her I said hi and smiled.Anyways so I went into the bank and he didnt recognize me I wasnt in my uniform as usual and my hair was down and I did my makeup.He called me up to the window and called me maam I laughed then we were talking and I told him I had to go to palm springs for work, he said no I would not be happy about that.Then he kind of looked down for a second and then he stood up and just kind of looked at me, and then he asked if I was in school I said yes for pediatric nuerology.I asked him and he said yes for business and that he wants to go to berkley.I said thats awesome! and he said have a great time in palm spring. His attitude was distant with me, does he not like me?

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