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Why Do Guys…?

Why Do Some Men Like You One Time, Then Pretend They Barely Know You?

in Does He Like You
What does it mean when a guy is playing hard to get or is ignoring you right after you meet.

Why is it when a guy is into you, shows every sign he likes you, but the next time he sees you it’s like you don’t even exist?

He acts a little distant. Barely listens to a word you say.

You want to ask him what’s wrong but it’s not like you’re dating or anything. You’re not in a relationship. You’re still getting to know each other…

But for some reason he’s making you feel you did something wrong and this passive aggressive attitude he’s displaying is making you wonder why you’re even bothering with him at all.

I was totally into this “chic” once. She was the type who lots of guys chase. You could take one look at her and instantly assume she could have any guy she wanted.

If you don’t know about how much attraction controls men I can tell you it’s not too easy to shrug off. It makes you do things you wouldn’t normally do. It makes you almost want to give everything you got – in the hopes the attraction would be returned.

The way I see it – as a man who’s studied this stuff – us guys actually “suffer” from attraction because if we follow it and listen to it, it only seems to do just the opposite to the woman we’re madly falling for. It’s like when we go blindly into in it causes us to push any highly sought out woman away.

Well let me tell you this girl had me hooked. Literally every curve on her body mesmerized me. Her face was flawless and her eyes, the way they lit up when she saw me… got me scared.

I was terrified I was going to screw it up.

So here’s this guy – not the greatest “ladies man” in the world at the time, hasn’t had much success with very attractive women, and feeling it like there’s no tomorrow.

Feeling the peak of attraction I gave it all despite all my fears.

Tried to make her laugh. Tried to find a connection with her. Tried to be “all that a man could be” because I was “suffering” from a lowered self-esteem just being around her.

Just so you know, it felt like it worked. She was returning the flirts and playing right back with me. The chemistry was increasing and so was the sexual tension. Despite the fact as our interaction continued so did my self-confidence because she was just that cool to be around.

Now you would think I would’ve been smart enough to run with it. To “do my thing” and keep it up. You would think, because it only makes sense, I’d be all her into her when we met again.

But it wasn’t like that at all.

There was more people around. More guys there to flirt with her. Suddenly every available “stud” was taking over where I had left off and I just knew it was a losing battle.

Here I am, now watching other guys be all into her and I got a glimpse into the future.

We’d talk a little. Get to know each other better. A few weeks or maybe a month would pass and we would grow closer.

And I’ve been through that before. What happened was more predictable than the sunrise.

While I was “doing all the work” she was dating some other guy and kissing him on the first date. since I was “being nice” and spent way too much time waiting for the moment to happen, and didn’t know how to make it happen naturally…

I was waiting for HER to make a move on me.

To men – that’s the ultimate sign a girl is into them. As in when she makes a move on him.

Remember that because “making a move” to some men is a lot more than just going for a kiss.

You see this seemingly innocent “passive aggressive” method is just another way to get YOU to prove how much you like us.

If we ignore you and you seek us out – our confidence goes up and we believe you’re feeling it just as much as we are.

If we keep away and act aloof or distant it’s a test.

We definitely want to feel in control of our attraction and if we can stay away long enough, it gives us time to think about how to handle it and stop our attraction from pushing you away. After all every guy understands (even though he act differently) every woman he chases just seems to run away quicker.

We’re testing our restraint but more than that we’re testing YOU because some guys, like I was, need to feel like you’re into us just as much as the guy you kissed so much quicker than us.

When we predict our future with you and we only see what some other woman did to us, our anger turns passive and we want to make sure THIS TIME it’s going to be different.

This time I won’t chase her because she’s too hot. This time I won’t be the guy who kisses her ass “hoping” she’ll like us back.

This time I will do anything and everything I know to make sure I make her prove how much she likes me. Even if it means ignoring you and acting like I couldn’t care less about her.

Thus satisfying the fragile “Ego” and it’s thirst for validation.

Okay, so you met a guy who seemed into you and you even “liked” him back. And the next time you’re together it feel like you don’t exist anymore.

Don’t let him fool you – he just wants to know you’re going to meet him half way. Or maybe the whole way. He is probably worried too much spent watching for your signals or he just doesn’t understand how all this attraction thing really works.

Is he playing you on purpose?

Some are. I won’t lie.

Did you do something to push him away?

Well obviously there’s a chance that DID happen.

Is there a chance he doesn’t even notice it’s happening?

Of course. Some guys just don’t pay attention to this kind of stuff as much as others.

Yet, generally speaking, you can consider it giving you space. He’s trying to show you he’s not needy. He doesn’t want to screw it up. He wants you to prove to him you’re not going to treat him like a “dear friend” three weeks down the road.

Men are not always obvious when their attraction for you is driving them crazy.

If a guy likes you one minute and is ignoring you the next – all things considered it just he means he “really really really” likes you! 😉

Peter White - Why Do Guy...?

Peter White. Thanks for stopping by and listening to a male’s point view. You can stay in touch by – *receiving my newsletter, *friending my Facebook page here. – Here is where I teach men about you *DiaLteG – and this where I get to talk about meeting and approaching the opposite sex – *The Approach.

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361 comments… add one
  • Sara

    I guy I met 13 years ago just told me he has liked me all these years. We had an amazing conversation and now I don’t hear from him at all. Text is our only communication. We’ve never talked on the phone. He lives in another state 3 hours away but I don’t have a car right now. Is he shy or is he ignoring me for another reason? Maybe he’s trying to feel me out.

    • Peter White

      Hello Sara,

      Chances are, if he has held back for 13 years just to tell you he likes you, I wouldn’t expect him to jump right into things. I can’t tell if he is shy but I will say he’s not ignoring you.

      You need to find out what his phone situation is, whether or not he’s in a relationship, what his schedule is, and then you must either encourage or demand he calls you. Encourage, “My fingers are tired… lets talk! :)” Demand, “Call me you fool! :)

      He is definitely trying to feel you out IF you didn’t make it clear that you feel the same way. Chances are you’re not sure and that’s okay. You don’t have to tell him anything. SHOW him by encouraging him to call or to step up and finally DO something about his attraction to you.

      I’m not sure how it all came about or why he decided to let you know after all these years but I’m guessing something in his life caused him to reach out and those feelings are currently driving him. Keep that in mind because I would expect some erratic behavior from him.

      Best of luck Sara,

      Pete

  • Ginna

    Hello Peter, I need an advice from you, there is a guy in the groceries store that I go every week that he is been filtering with me, he smile at me , he ask me how can he help me, how are you? it is been several months at the beginning I did not noticited, I thoug uhmm just the guy who work in the grocery store,well time past and then since I do not see him every week , so for me was no clear a t the beginning if he likes me and why he look me so much. Then,when he persistensing I began to realized he want to talk to me, he make eye contact with my eyes wow own I feel crazy because he make me feel things I never felt before I am 36 years old, and somethings I feel it is to late for me because I never experience things like that , a guy cchese me, at this point of my. Life ? hE is so cute even mad. I find him very attractive, he make me feel thing too ,like those butterflies and I can frozen when he as me if he can help me .sudden, I really like his attention he is giving me because no one did that before. so also noticed that his friend at the meat section informed him when I am around because every time I go by the look at me so weird and then he suddenly appears. I been looking into his eyes just by accident I did no mean to feel something but the last time he look me I just feel so me thing rlly good. I like him a lot too so I think he does. I am Latina and he look very American . so the last time he trying to talk to me more he was wating for me outside the grocery store ( he is been doing this before twice) but with not luck, I am a shy person and I do not talk to guys that easy, see I was raised with woman and also when to school for girls I never get to socialized when I was teen edger with boys so it is so hard for me to talk to men specially if I like him. so I ignored him because I was afraid or nervous I do not know, now he is ignored me after that I see him three times and the first time he give me a look like uhh who do you think you are, I saw his eyes and his lips where up, he look mad to me , he did not chance me that day, then second time he glacé me quick and left, and then last time was yesterday he was in front of me he did not look at me once or say a word, pretend not to know me? Is he playing a game to me, I do not know how to fixed it what I did I wish I can talk to him and clear everything because I really do not want to think I do not noticed the way he look at me , and that I do not like him? and also that he is trying to talk to me , and also that I am not a warm and welcome person. Because I am. I want to write him a letter ? Do you think that is proper? I just wish I can hug him and say sorry! Thank you for your advice.
    Gianna.

    • Peter White

      Hello Gianna,

      Please do not write him a letter. He obviously took your actions as a personal rejection. Trust me it’s not a big deal and you can fix it quickly because guys don’t lose their attraction (if it’s there) just because they got snubbed or felt snubbed by a woman.

      I can not tell you how to overcome your fears. Maybe you could rehearse what you’re going to say. Maybe you could bring a friend with you to help you out. Do whatever it takes and just smile casually, do not linger or wait because you will probably back out, time will only enhance your fears, say, “I was rude. I apologize. My name is Ginna and you are WAY too cute.” Big smile.

      Pete

  • nanaho

    hi,what u said about being into me for a day and ignoring me the next is absulotly right! that just happend to me with my crush,i really like him,one day he dropped something from the table and i saw him sitting on the floor picking them up,then i kneeled and started helping him he said”r u gonna help me?thank you ,you are relly a nice girl!”i swear i blushed and cant look at him,since then he called my name and just waving and smiling,and sometimes comes to my diriction and ask what r u doing? i say why u want something?he says no just asking…and when i was going home he -for the first time-said”be careful on ur way!”and the next day i said good morning to him he saw me and ignored me completly!!and i asked him about something he said without looking at me”i dont know…”and i heared him mumbeling to himself when i passed by him?? I feel like i did smething wrong or what?not to mention that i really cried when i saw him flirting with the girls sooo normaly and laughing loudly?? and never looking at me like i was i ghost!! and what made me really mad is when he really needed me he talked to me and got what he wanted from me and ignored me again??!!!!! I dont underdtand anything more than he is just using me , oh and i think i can feel him staring too?

  • serena

    My coworker at work who shares an office with me has been flirting with me past few months n I definitely feel that he is attracted to me. however, past few days, he seems to be ignoring me not even looking at me and trying to talk and give more attention to other female co-workers (he is friendly to everyone anyways) but I feel like is he trying to see if I am jealous? or is he testing the waters to gauge my interest? how should I react?

    • Peter White

      Serena,

      It does, (if you are positive he’s attracted to you) appear like he’s trying to get you to show your hand or prove to him you’re into him. Crazy how some men do this when all they had to do was DO something about their flirting early on and avoid all the game playing.

      My advice is not so good because one game, if he’s playing it, doesn’t deserve another game AND if this is who he is, think about what type of guy you’re getting yourself into.

      However, if you must Serena… whatever you do, do NOT start flirting with other guys. Start engaging your female co-workers more. If you can get him talking, tease him about what a player he is. Tease him about how “what’s her name” might be falling for him. All in good humor of course.

      Whatever you do, do NOT let his actions affect you one way or another. If you ask me, he needs to learn that if he’s going to play a game, it’s not one he’s going to win BUT he must learn that on his own without you blatantly telling him. It won’t have the same results.

      He must also learn, if he’s actually ignoring you on purpose, that his tactics are childish and how must see how real adults respond to passive aggressive behavior… In other words we teach children this is unacceptable behavior by explaining to them honestly what it does and why it’s not good. You don’t teach an adult. You act casual and let him learn on his own. If he doesn’t get it. That’s his own downfall BUT he must never be given into, by playing a game back at him, that his tactics are working because you’ll only get more of the same.

      Have fun at work and be good Serena. :)

      Remember, your female co-workers are your best friends with regards to this guy.

      Pete

  • Joseline

    Hi Peter I’ve been talking to a guy for 6 months and we haven’t met in person we met on the Tinder app. In the beginning we talked non stop he told me he likes talking to me and that he wants to spend the day with me but then suddenly he started to ignore me. Sometimes I would text him but there is no reply. Then like 2 weeks later he would message me like nothing has happened. Then we keep messaging each other but then he would ignore me again. So it makes me wonder if he’s still interested or not? We always have a nice casual conversation and flirt. We actually never set a date to meet up.

    • Peter White

      Hi Joseline,

      Unfortunately you MUST meet in person quickly or else things like this will happen. It can only benefit both of you to NOT delay a meeting when it comes to online “romances”.

      It’s much too easy for a guy just to do his own thing when it’s only online. He doesn’t feel as bad if he doesn’t contact you or stops messaging you back. Lots of other things could be going on, like other women, other online relationships, girlfriends, etc…

      To keep a man honest, meet him quickly so he has no chance to turn it into just an online thing.

      I can tell you either he’s scared to meet you because he’s built up an image in your head and now feels like he has to live up to that. OR he’s been lying about his current situation and is not who he says he is. OR he’s worried you won’t like him in person OR he’s worried he won’t like you in person.

      And that list could go on.

      You’ve also sort of become a pen pal with benefits. And with friends it’s less likely a priority to message back.

      My best advice is, besides getting the meeting out of the way as soon as possible, (from online to safely in person) is to expect a man who really really wants to make it happen, to MAKE it happen. If that doesn’t happen in a reasonable amount of time, or things are not progressing the way you think they should, is to slowly cut off your connection with that guy or to end it abruptly before you get too deep.

      Maybe not what you wanted to hear, but definitely needed to be said.

      All the best,

      Pete

  • Shara

    so last year I met a guy at my new school, he’s the coolest guy I saw that day ( in my personal opinion. I rarely see him but I just can’t greet him, he’s a second year student and I’m a transfer student. after few weeks, it just so happen that I saw him and he’s also looking at me for a few seconds before I went in the school.
    Soon, I found his facebook account and added him, he accepted it and sent me a message. we always talked through facebok or viber wanting to see each other at school one time.
    I’m not sure if he likes me but he’ll stay for 2 hours outside our classroom just so we can hang out in the mall after class. after a week we went to a mall again. this time i asked him to come with me to buy some spices for cooking, we saw my guy friends there guys and girls. I talked with them for 5 minutes and he told me that he’ll just go. But I didn’t let him and told him I need him there and we went out of the market and walk around the mall far from my friends.
    I feel the connection at some point right there and he’s kind of a really sweet guy. but after that day he never ever talked to me again. I saw him at school but I ‘m too shy to greet him so we just looked at each other. It always happen until today. I leave him alone and just enjoy my life. But I do care about him, he knows that. I told him.
    And today at the hallway one of my friend again told him that I had a crush on him, he went to our seat and smiled. He smiled. I just can’t look straight into his eyes. It has been 7 months and I think I love him and I just can’t tell him till now.
    I love him and I don’t know what to do about it.

    • Peter White

      Shara, you don’t have to DO or SAY anything. He’ll either progress with you naturally or he will continue to pull away.

      He sounds like a bit of an introvert. Almost like he doesn’t want to include himself with you and your friends and only prefers one on one time with you. If that’s the case then I imagine he’s going to be taking his time.

      It’s obvious he likes you. Why else would he send you a message, talk with you, or wait for hours just to see you.

      He also already knows how you feel and if you continue to believe by telling him that it will change anything, which it usually doesn’t, you’re going to drive yourself crazy.

      Some guys take their time. Maybe a little too long. Some guys only function well with women when it’s one on one. Some guys want to delay things because they honestly are more afraid of being with you.

      So you see, you must remain patient. Don’t act out of worrying you’re going to lose him. Don’t suddenly start doing things differently because you’re feeling a little overwhelmed.

      Relax a little and learn to enjoy the process. I’m not asking you to give up everything and wait around for HIM to finally make a real decision towards you BUT I am saying, as a guy, if I was him, I would want to be more the courting side and until he begins to do that or you allow it to happen, he might always become distant at the wrong times.

      Give him a chance to be and please, by any means, if it doesn’t happen in a reasonable time, do NOT wait, do NOT act out of fear and frustration and try to force the issue.

      The sad part is, when it comes to men and women and relationships, it doesn’t always end the way we want and yes, that’s sad.

      BUT if you remain patient and try not to let the feelings overcome you, things are more likely to happen. IF you push it, become impatient, or try to force things, my experience tells me the chances go down.

      Remember he already knows how you feel.

      Wishing you all the best,

      Pete

  • lila

    Hey Peter! I just read what you said and to be honest I’m a bit lost, there’s this guy that I’ve been crushing on for the past 4 months , the thing is at first i felt it was mutual , he told me to follow him on facebook and always spent time with me , then after a while, i told him tht i like spending time with him and he said he likes it too and wants to spend more then he brought up tht what im not seeing is that he’s 3 years older and its last year in university. However, he did smile nd text me at night on the same day, later on he started ignoring my existence. So, i didnt come near him for about two weeks and then i approached and tried to get some answers , i told him i like him and i asked him why he’s ignoring he said no im not then i explained Its either you like me we hangout or you dont , ill move on so simple , he then interrupted me and said no i do like you and i wanna spend more time with you. After that, he still not talking to me lot its either he acts as if he didnt see me or he smiles towards me and says my name yet he never sits and i think he’s trying to avoid us being alone. Moreover, my friend always catches him starring and me, he even laughed once and kept glancing at me while i was smiling. I really dont know what to do, should i ignore him? we always hangout in uni( we have same friends) so i was so near and i caught him looking so i approached and started a conversation but he kept on replying and not even looking at my faces, he didnt bother to keep the conversation going. should i avoid him now? i mean i tried everything , but if he told me twice that he likes me back why isnt he doing anything about it?

    • Peter White

      Hey Lilian, I mean Lila!

      I believe you got your answer in full on Twitter. :) Great to keep you up. Haha!

  • Stephanie

    Hi,

    I’ve been chatting to this guy online for 2 years, we chat almost everyday by text and have Skype sometimes too. I really like him and if we were living in the same country, we would have met up by now. He has talked about how he feels like we have “a connection” and that there is a mutual attraction between us. Sometimes he talks like he’s really in to me and how he’d love to meet me and other times, he acts all distant and goes quiet on me, ignores me. I have told him that I intend on visiting the country where he lives this year and said about meeting up and he said that it would be great to meet me and initially seemed quite excited to meet me but now once again, he has gone all quiet and ignoring me again since I’ve mentioned it more. If I don’t talk to him for a couple of days, he does message me asking how I am and apologises for not answering me because he has been busy. I want to visit him but I don’t want to waste my time and effort if he’s not that in to me but I’m so confused by how he is. Any idea why he could be acting like this?

  • Princess

    I started chatting with this guy,we kinda grew up together but really cant remember much about that.We found each other on Facebook and we instantly fell in love. He spoke in Future tense with me u know..not now..everything was We this We that, like we had our lives planned ahead,it felt great to be with someone who was future oriented. He then changed u know outta the blue, not toking like we used to, we met and we got a long it was all great..but he alaf a sudden went quiet,when i called him he would tell me how busy he was. I got hurt and stop contacting him,its been three weeks n he hasnt even sed a word.what does this mean??

  • Janet

    I met a guy about four months ago. At first he called and texted all the time. What attracted me the most was the ease of conversation and his humor. We met a few times and had great physical chemistry. Here is the thing. His ex wife left him for another man and he has said things to me that really highlighted his insecurities. He asked me why I would ever date a guy like him. I am lowering my standards etc. I really really fell for him but he was obviously not buying it. He left the country…his home is here where I live but lives elsewhere and visits his home country when he can. Before he left he had little to say and sarcastically told me to sleep with someone else. It hurt but I let it go. He now plays hot and cold. He has stopped calling and only texts but only when he feels like it. He will text one day -be fine. Next day I might text him and nothing although the text shows s read receipt. He’s due back here next month and feeling less interested in seeing him. On the other hand if this is insecurity, I feel bad for him. What should I do?

    • Peter White

      Hello Janet,

      I wrote your response in my newsletter.

      http://archive.aweber.com/whydoesaguy/7.C6i/h/Is_Chemistry_Enough_When_He.htm

      Hope it helps you make the right choice for you.

      Pete

    • Janet

      Thank you so much for the fantastic advice. I might need a bit more if that is OK.

      He pulled the silent treatment for 11 days. I was.cool with it and really didn’t care that much. On the eleventh, he texts like nothing…sort of felt like he was feeling me out. It’s not in my DNA to ignore anyone so I was responsive and nice. The next day I asked a casual question which was an extension of his conversion he started the day before. He read it immediately and now it’s four days later and nothing. WTF? Innocent on his part? Just socially stupid or trying to peak my interest? So, I’m wondering how to handle this. Confront and let bum know it’s crappy hence showing I give a shit, or ignore his next contact? It’s so hard for me to do it but maybe he should know what it feels like? Tit for tat..? Damn…so strange. What do you think I should do?

      • Peter White

        Okay Janet, here is what I would do… text him something sexy and see how he responds. When a guy only responds quickly to that and nothing else, it could reveal his intentions very easily. You DO NOT have to send more than one text. In fact I wouldn’t.

        If that doesn’t work for you, yes, ignore every text which does not make you laugh, really smile, or is nothing more than just information. If he can’t say something more or at least do that… why bother, right? Feel free to ignore him until he gives you a real good reason to respond.

        • Janet

          Thanks…I sent a text on Saturday which was flirty and fun. It said something to the effect, hey ..you are cute. Wanna meet? Of course, he didn’t get it and thought I was texting another guy and accidently sent to him. Once clarified, he got the joke but didn’t play along. He laughed but no flirty fun from him. Next day I texted…ignore. Yesterday I texted and asked when he’d be arriving in the country. He sent the date. Follow up questions…ignored. Finally asked if everything is OK…then apologized for bothering him….then decided he can suck it. He will more than likely get in touch when he gets here but forget it. I’m not a princess nor am I special but know my worth.

          I am done making excuses. He’s just being a guy, he’s depressed, he is stressed out. He was none of these things when he hounded me day and night until I gave in.

          I know how this will play out. He’ll play naive, he will be super attentive…happened before and then once o show interest again, the faucet turns cold.

          You have helped a lot. I have clarity and more importantly realize that this guy hasn’t changed at all…his real personality simply unfolded.

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