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Why Do Guys…?

Why Do Some Men Like You One Time, Then Pretend They Barely Know You?

in Does He Like You
What does it mean when a guy is playing hard to get or is ignoring you right after you meet.

Why is it when a guy is into you, shows every sign he likes you, but the next time he sees you it’s like you don’t even exist?

He acts a little distant. Barely listens to a word you say.

You want to ask him what’s wrong but it’s not like you’re dating or anything. You’re not in a relationship. You’re still getting to know each other…

But for some reason he’s making you feel you did something wrong and this passive aggressive attitude he’s displaying is making you wonder why you’re even bothering with him at all.

I was totally into this “chic” once. She was the type who lots of guys chase. You could take one look at her and instantly assume she could have any guy she wanted.

If you don’t know about how much attraction controls men I can tell you it’s not too easy to shrug off. It makes you do things you wouldn’t normally do. It makes you almost want to give everything you got – in the hopes the attraction would be returned.

The way I see it – as a man who’s studied this stuff – us guys actually “suffer” from attraction because if we follow it and listen to it, it only seems to do just the opposite to the woman we’re madly falling for. It’s like when we go blindly into in it causes us to push any highly sought out woman away.

Well let me tell you this girl had me hooked. Literally every curve on her body mesmerized me. Her face was flawless and her eyes, the way they lit up when she saw me… got me scared.

I was terrified I was going to screw it up.

So here’s this guy – not the greatest “ladies man” in the world at the time, hasn’t had much success with very attractive women, and feeling it like there’s no tomorrow.

Feeling the peak of attraction I gave it all despite all my fears.

Tried to make her laugh. Tried to find a connection with her. Tried to be “all that a man could be” because I was “suffering” from a lowered self-esteem just being around her.

Just so you know, it felt like it worked. She was returning the flirts and playing right back with me. The chemistry was increasing and so was the sexual tension. Despite the fact as our interaction continued so did my self-confidence because she was just that cool to be around.

Now you would think I would’ve been smart enough to run with it. To “do my thing” and keep it up. You would think, because it only makes sense, I’d be all her into her when we met again.

But it wasn’t like that at all.

There was more people around. More guys there to flirt with her. Suddenly every available “stud” was taking over where I had left off and I just knew it was a losing battle.

Here I am, now watching other guys be all into her and I got a glimpse into the future.

We’d talk a little. Get to know each other better. A few weeks or maybe a month would pass and we would grow closer.

And I’ve been through that before. What happened was more predictable than the sunrise.

While I was “doing all the work” she was dating some other guy and kissing him on the first date. since I was “being nice” and spent way too much time waiting for the moment to happen, and didn’t know how to make it happen naturally…

I was waiting for HER to make a move on me.

To men – that’s the ultimate sign a girl is into them. As in when she makes a move on him.

Remember that because “making a move” to some men is a lot more than just going for a kiss.

You see this seemingly innocent “passive aggressive” method is just another way to get YOU to prove how much you like us.

If we ignore you and you seek us out – our confidence goes up and we believe you’re feeling it just as much as we are.

If we keep away and act aloof or distant it’s a test.

We definitely want to feel in control of our attraction and if we can stay away long enough, it gives us time to think about how to handle it and stop our attraction from pushing you away. After all every guy understands (even though he act differently) every woman he chases just seems to run away quicker.

We’re testing our restraint but more than that we’re testing YOU because some guys, like I was, need to feel like you’re into us just as much as the guy you kissed so much quicker than us.

When we predict our future with you and we only see what some other woman did to us, our anger turns passive and we want to make sure THIS TIME it’s going to be different.

This time I won’t chase her because she’s too hot. This time I won’t be the guy who kisses her ass “hoping” she’ll like us back.

This time I will do anything and everything I know to make sure I make her prove how much she likes me. Even if it means ignoring you and acting like I couldn’t care less about her.

Thus satisfying the fragile “Ego” and it’s thirst for validation.

Okay, so you met a guy who seemed into you and you even “liked” him back. And the next time you’re together it feel like you don’t exist anymore.

Don’t let him fool you – he just wants to know you’re going to meet him half way. Or maybe the whole way. He is probably worried too much spent watching for your signals or he just doesn’t understand how all this attraction thing really works.

Is he playing you on purpose?

Some are. I won’t lie.

Did you do something to push him away?

Well obviously there’s a chance that DID happen.

Is there a chance he doesn’t even notice it’s happening?

Of course. Some guys just don’t pay attention to this kind of stuff as much as others.

Yet, generally speaking, you can consider it giving you space. He’s trying to show you he’s not needy. He doesn’t want to screw it up. He wants you to prove to him you’re not going to treat him like a “dear friend” three weeks down the road.

Men are not always obvious when their attraction for you is driving them crazy.

If a guy likes you one minute and is ignoring you the next – all things considered it just he means he “really really really” likes you! 😉

Peter White - Why Do Guy...?

Peter White. Thanks for stopping by and listening to a male’s point view. You can stay in touch by – *receiving my newsletter, *friending my Facebook page here. – Here is where a teach men about you *DiaLteG – and this where I get to talk about meeting and approaching the opposite sex – *The Approach.

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325 comments… add one

  • Yoshanna

    Hi..so I got a delimma. Help me understand this man’s brain please!!!! EVENT #1- Woman almost runs into man. Man doesn’t move stands very still with his chest puffed and is looking woman in the eyes then at her lips. After a second he turns away and says in a seductive voice “hellllllllo…hellllllllo”. EVENT #2- Man walks by woman and looks directly at her chest. Woman notices and looks him in the face. Man looks up at woman and then turns his head. Then turns it right back and holds intense eye contact with her for 5 seconds or more. EVENT #3- Woman walks down hallway and man is walking opposite her. He scans her body and tilts his head to look at her then walks off. EVENT #4- Woman tries to address the man. SHE IS HAPPILY MARRIED AND HE IS MARRIED TOO. She wanted to apologize for giving him any mixed signals and kind of try to apologize to him for leading him on. He kind of lightly laughs and then says he doesn’t remember the eye contact and keeps lightly laughing. Then after that the man doeant really look at her anymore and he doesnt really smile at her or talk to her. HE KNOWS HER HUSBAND AND Maybe he feels guilty
    But in this womans mind she doesn’t understand how he could not remember that eye contact. Was he being truthful? It was very direct and intense. Like the woman could hear what he was thinking. How could he not remember that? Is he lying? And since the woman spoke up to him did that make him uninterested? The woman loves her husband and doesnt want to hurt him. But did she just make things akward at work from now on?

    • Hi, well I’d say the first incident was him acting like he wanted you. Saying hello would his way of saying, “hot” or something along those lines.

      I’m sure that he did feel a little guilty for objectifying your body.

      I’m also sure he remembers what happened but doesn’t have the balls to admit it. Honestly I can’t see why you’d bother apologizing to him for leading him on.

      And nope, just because you spoke to him does not make him any less attracted to you. Except he might feel the game has changed as you called him out on his shit.

      I don’t think YOU made things awkward, it just happened. Things will tense up because of the situation.

      Th only dilemma I see you’re facing is whether or not this continues because then you’ll have to include some higher up to deal with.

      Now I’m all good with admiring people at work but when someone steps over the bounds and makes the other feel very uncomfortable then there’s a serious problem.

  • Me

    Someone please help me!
    There’s this guy that I am 100% sure likes me and I legitimately like him too. When I heard him telling someone that he likes me for the first time, he just suddenly became distant and is avoiding me, he doesn’t talk to me as much as how we used to talk just because he finally admitted TO SOMEONE ELSE not to me, that he likes me, I don’t think he knows that I know, so why would he become distant. It’s summer break but he lives on the neighborhood next to mine, so I could probably talk to him still, but I just don’t know what to do, I have his snapchat, I snapchatted him earlier, he didn’t even reply, he replies all the time, he’s really getting on my nerves.

    • Hello Me,

      Chances are he just doesn’t know what to do AND he knows you overheard it and know it too.

      Some guys are just as afraid of success as they are of failure because they’re not clear on what to do next. They don’t want to screw it up. Doing nothing at least assures a lack of failure in the area of progressing forward.

      You see, it ‘s very common for guys to understand failure as in rejection or not approaching or not being able to get a girlfriend and lots of guys sympathize with it BUT emotionally, it hurts much worse and deeper when they screw up the intimate part. To lots of guys doing something means eventually intimacy in some shape or form.

      Way back when, for me, not getting somewhere with a woman was a lot less painful than actually getting her and screwing up the “important” parts.

      It’s a matter of a fear over success than it is a fear failure which is a very common theme among younger guys.

      Hope that helps you a bit. Best to you,


  • sapphire

    hie peter. ahh well my thing with this guy is hell complicated. initially we had same circle of friends. and spending time with him just felt right. he did like me. he said that he would be wanting more out of us. but i have immense trust issues and just couldnt trust him bcoz of his playful and mysterious nature. i thought of taking some time to think and what he did was convince for initial days and later ignore. he did wait for long and i did give him hints that i like him too.

    but since he is a controversial guy due to many misunderstandings our contact broke and to get back at me, he started dating my best friend. i instead of consulting him, impulsively started dating someone else just to make him realize. all this time we just kept on running into each other but no contact, no texts, no calls. absolutely nothing. awkward situation.

    and now situation is such that i met him to clear out things and we did talk and he said he is confused and unhappy with my best friend bcoz he finds it incomplete. is it that he wants me still ? he did confess that he dated my best friend to make me jelous but still didnt admit that he loves me. but he kissed me and i am afraid i have cheated on my bf and my best friend. he asked weather i would like to meet again and talk it out and find a solution. day ended. Aftr few days, i tried calling him. he is not returning my calls. what might have happened.

    whats with him. plz help

  • Emma

    Hey Pete!
    So last year I told you about this guy I liked so much who also liked and later told me that im too “controlling”(please read my comment from previous) . So, in July last year, roughly around this time I flew to Miami with my family and friends to celebrate my 21st birthday and something happened. Well I was having a heart to heart convo with my best friend of lyk 16years) and I broke down as I was talking about how unlucky I am with guys and out of the blue he kissed me! I was shocked, and he told me how he felt about me. Apparently he’s been in love with me for 3 years.( according to him and his 2 sisters) As time went by I fell in love with him or should I say realised I have been in love with him without realising since I never maybe consulted my feelings for him until then. So we’ve been together for almost a year now. And I always feel like im falling in love with him for the first time and he on the other hand worships me and I feel really lucky because he’s an amazing guy. Ok enough of me gushing…So, back to this guy I told you about last year.I became friends with this girl whom I met through this same guy. One day in our chit chat, his name popped up and I got to know that this guy dated this new friend of mine and shockingly, he asked her out and kissed her a day after doing the same with me! Wow! But the relationship lasted 4months! And now, he all of the sudden wants to crawl back into my life. What I don’t get is that he flund out I have a boyfriend now but he apparently thinks he can “charm” me back. Lol, I’d be stupid to leave my boyfriend for him! Im glad I listened to you when you said I should move on from him because I think I would have let my boyfriend slip away to another girl. But, my question is why would a guy ask 2 girls out at the same time? And also why does he want to come back into my life and wants to “charm” me even though he knows im in a serious relationship?

  • Delia

    Okay so I have a similar story here. I met a guy whose mom was in the same hospital with my mom (I became good friends with his mom before I met him), and we talked occassionally. Afterwards his Mom passed on and we kept talking. Before the funeral he told me he liked me and I told him I did too. Then after the funeral he just withdrew. I understood he was dealing with alot and was grief-striken, but so was I…I genuinely loved his Mom, and I was worried sick about him. Finally, he because annoyed over something I harmlessly said, and just became distant, hence the passive aggressive thing. I apologized profusely and even though he said it was alright he still does not want to speak to me. I am torn, confused, hurt, I have cried so much I am now sick. I just like him alot and I am confused why he is angry with me. Please advice?

  • Fanny

    i have been thinking about this guy! He was my classmate for about 2years, I fell in love with him. I used to tease him a lot for which he runs away then I stopped doing it. He is a studious guy and doesn’t talk much to girls,quite reserved or he thinks superior of himself. One day he would look at me, the next day he would be like, he is totally avoiding me. I could see him showing off in front of me with his friends by playing with them, then he would check me whether I’m seeing him or not. He used to make eye contact which I turn away abruptly from him, coz I feel shy looking deep into his eyes. One day I wanted to show him I was really interested that I started seeing him making eye contact. The next day he came forward and was asking doubt to my friends, he was totally seeing me I left him un noticed like I didn’t see him coz I was enjoying the attention, the next period I offered him water to which he declined it saying he will get it himself. And he avoided me totally. While we reside in the same place, we board bus at the same time, one day when I was on the other side of the road, he was checking me. Why I was standing in the other lane. I can’t really get him ,What is that in his brain? Pls help me! I’m really in love with him. I have been in love with him for two years. Pls help me. How to make him fall in love?

  • Cindy

    Hi guys!
    Really need help here. So there’s this one guy that I’ve met. He’s only 19 and I’m already 23. He’s not from around here. He’s just having a vacation for like thrice a year because of his grandparents. A colleague of mine introduced me to him, he seems so nice so I added him up on facebook. We began talking through facebook and chatted until the wee hours. He has a lot of sense of humor and very thoughtful as well. We go out like everyday since then. I enjoyed every conversation with him. He made me feel special for time he has been here. We’ve became very close most likely as friends but there’s this ‘something’ we felt for each other that you definitely can’t deny. We obviously like each other. I’ve asked him If he likes me back to confirmed his feeling and he said yes! We even kissed like there’s no tomorrow before he left. He promised me that we’ll stay friends. He’s not into LDR and I’m okay with it, though I wanted us to be more than friends. I’ve decided that it’s probably best for us to be friends and I don’t see anything wrong about it. He has been texting me regularly since he left. Until one day he’s just texting me for at least once a week, telling me hh’s really busy at school which is understandable and reasonable. Suddenly it became thrice a month until he is not texting anymore. He got back here when his grandpa died, I went to the funeral he doesn’t even talked to me or take a glimpse of me but I’m trying to understand that he’s going through a tough time and I should set aside my feelings and just console him. After a month He came back here again for a long weekend vacation with his parents and I went to their house since his mom invited me to come over. I talked to her mom and he was avoiding me as usual I don’t know if his doing that because it’s kinda like an awkward moment and his mom was there teasing him or maybe he doesn’t want me there?I tried talking to him like sending him a message but he didn’t respond, I was seen zoned ='( I keep on asking myself what I did wrong for him to avoid me??He keeps on ignoring me It drives me crazy. Obviously our age gap doesn’t seemed to be an issue. I’m trying to make a conclusion maybe he’s avoiding me cause he just wanted to suppress his feelings for me by ignoring me since he doesn’t want a LDR?Why is he acting like this?can you please tell me?How can someone who showed you how special you are to him and suddenly acts like he doesn’t know you at all?I’m not being clingy or something I just want our friendship back.

    • Chances are… he’s either (sort of) found someone else while he was away AND/OR he feels like you’re getting too close.

      You’ve included yourself in his family and his family affairs which most men take as meaning more than a friendship.

      Yes, he could be avoiding you because he doesn’t want to get drawn into a LDR but I know young guys and most of them are not strong enough to resist some form of intimacy. Meaning even if he doesn’t want it, when he comes back he’d still be willing to hang out or take the chance.

      So… I still stick to my first guess, he’s either (sort of) found someone else while he was away AND/OR he feels like you’re getting too close.

      Hope that helps you a little at least,


  • Diamond

    What about a guy who gets more and more distant? The more I show him attraction, the more he disappeared. I was so shure about this guy and eventually I never saw him again.

    • Chances are he wasn’t that attracted to you in the first place and in that case, trying won’t help and showing him more attraction will only push him further away. Your attempts will only appear “too easy”, “too needy”, and a little desperate.

      I wouldn’t have known it myself if I didn’t scare away lots of women myself doing the same thing. Hopefully you won’t make the same mistake again.

      If a guy is continually becoming more distant, it’s usually in your best interest to let him go and quickly set your eyes on new available men and don’t show attraction… create it and challenge him living your life with as many options as you can handle.

      Sorry or your loss,


  • May

    Ok Pete, answer me this,
    I am a married woman. I love my husband, been with him 10 years. Not in that 10 yrs has any man other than my husband turned my head.
    Guy from high school hits me up on FB two months ago. We chat, catch up, nothing flirty or sexy.
    Then two weeks later he says he’d rather text then gives me his number. Stupid me says sure, texts his number. Then things get heated. We flirt, we talk about sex. We share about our current and past relationships.
    Omg, now I’m lusting after another man. I feel hella guilty. I even make plans to meet up with Other Guy.
    Then Other Guy chickens out. Tells me crap like he doesn’t want to cause me any marital problems, he still wants back with his ex, blah blah blah.

    I practically served myself up on a no strings attached sexual platter for him and he says “I think we should just be friends.”

    I am trying to ignore him and forget about this fool, but I’m pissed, rejected, and feeling stupid for letting myself fall for him.

    What can I do to forget him?

    As a side note, my sex life with my husband is off the chain, so it wasn’t lack of sex that triggered this.
    Part of me wants to get him to agree to see me, screw his brains out, then ghost him. Dummy doesn’t know what he’s missing out on.

    • OK May,

      I’m no expert in forgetting about men :) BUT I have had the experience in trying to forget about a few women in my life.

      Delete him. Block him. Erase all temptation which might bring him up again. I mean even the phone records because as I’ve learned, you can go back a few months and retrieve his number if you’re feeling weak. You have to consider everything here IF you really want him out of your life.

      Secondly, accept responsibility but don’t blame yourself daily. Blame doesn’t solve much and will only make you feel worse.

      It happens. Be thankful it didn’t go any further. We ALL can be very sexual creatures and succumb to those desires once in a while.

      Third… consider this YOU were HIS rebound. He wasn’t yours. You were NOT rejected. He was feeling weak, wanted his ex in the first place and ran over the edge to try and forget about her by reliving some past fantasies he probably had of you. That is NOT rejection. A lesser man would’ve followed through with it and could’ve easily destroyed your marriage.

      I believe this feeling of being rejected can cause you a set back so get over it and see it from my perspective as soon as you can.

      Fourth… understand revenge will only make you feel worse. Revenge is never a solution it’s a temporary release of anger which I’m sure you can work through all by yourself.

      Fifth, “dummy” knows what he missed out on because he still was attracted to you after all these years. :)

      Hope that helps you along with it all and the best of luck to you May,


  • Scarlett Erza

    Hi, Peter :)
    I’m happy that you have written something like this. It helps us, girls, to understand men. I want to ask your help. Since, you’re a guy, so I want to know your opinion. I’m afraid I might just have been misinterpreting him. I like this guy so much. We’re not into a relationship nor are we dating. We’re just friends. But I can see him more than that. He’s the guy that I want to marry. I can see my future with him. I will give you a background about him. He’s the type of a guy a woman is dreaming of. He’s nice, easy to get with, kind – a friend of many. He’s a boyfriend material and, for me, a husband material, too. His parents are both deceased, so he’s the one who’s raising up his younger sister. He had a relationship with a woman that he really loved. He wanted to marry her. But in the end, the woman broke up with him and reconciled with her ex-boyfriend. He was badly hurt for she had driven him crazy. He felt that this girl only used him as a rebound boyfriend. He was very disappointed. We, his friends, thinking that this was his most painful breakup ever. I was very hurt for him. He even became a bitch for a while. I mean, he was not that smiling anymore. He had difficulties in controlling his temper. She created a bitch out of him. When we told him he had changed a lot since their breakup, he was back to his funny attitude and always smiling face. It took him more than a year to date another girl. But he discovered a skeleton in her closet. This another girl was having an affair with another man while they were in the process of getting to know each other. He thought the woman really loved him but the truth’s she only loved his money. We all knew about this woman. We knew she’s not good for him but he refused to believe us until the real boyfriend of the woman confronted him. And now his single for more three years now. His other friends introduce him to different girls from time to time and ask him to date them, but he refuses and only tells them he wants to be alone for now. He always says he needs time for himself.
    I like him so much and I thought he likes me, too. We have a lot of things in common. Even the simplest hobbies such playing fifa video games. I am always here for him. We enjoyed being together. He’s showing me that he’s interested in me. But for somehow, suddenly he ignored me. And I couldn’t think a reason for it. I only did good things for him. Before, when I sent him messages, my messages were all answered. But he’s not answering my message anymore and it seems like he’s trying to push me away from him. I asked him a question through his social networking account, but instead of answering me, he just retweeted my tweet about his coming football game- his a footballer. Like he didn’t really want to talk to me.
    When I told him once I was not feeling good of what he’s been acting towards me, he immediately, apologized. And after that, he ignored me again. When I ignored him in return, he tried to catch my attention. When I tried to get in touch to him, he ignored me again. When I hinted him I was upset of him ignoring me and dated other guys, he’s acting like he’s jealous and tried to catch my attention again. And when I showed him that we’re good, he ignored me again. Like he wanted me to chase him. It was like a routine. When I didn’t talk to him for more than a month, he sent me a message a day before his birthday. Like, he’s reminding me about his birthday. I was not there in his birthday party because I was on a vacation. I only sent him a gift. I’ve been waiting for him since he and his ex-girlfriend were dating. We have met before he met that girl. Call me hopeless romantic, it’s okay. But I don’t think I’m obsessed. I showed him that I really like him when I don’t usually do that to guys. I am that type who is used to the feeling of “boys are chasing me”. Let me tell you this, I’m not a play-girl. It’s just that boys are trying to pursue me though I tell them I’m in love with someone else. I’m in love with him but I can’t tell him. Boys even tell me to stop loving someone who can’t love me back. So, if I have hurt them, it’s not really my intention. And now, I am the one who is chasing a guy. I tried not to be too obvious that I was showing him I like him. I just tried to catch his attention. Like I deserve his love. I didn’t commit to other boys just to show him that I am waiting for him. That’s how much I love him. But it just hurts me so that he’s ignoring me more than ever. I hate that feeling. I’m thinking maybe he only sees me as a friend, a younger sister – for he is four years older than I do. But age doesn’t matter. My friends are convincing me to forget him and date other guys. They’re my friends. They knew my feelings for him.
    So, please tell me what you can say about my situation. Base on what I have said, is he really ignoring me or just pretending he doesn’t care about me at all? For if he doesn’t love me at all, then I must learn to forget him.
    I’m waiting for your reply. I hope you will help me with this. And I will be thankful to you if you do :)

  • Rafaela

    soo…… this guy is really weird and bipolar, idk but help me please is really confusing
    so first i was with my bestie on the first day of school, and we had to spend with a group of kids the whole day, and it looks like i feel his staring at me, or something, and were like friends. i was going to the class with my friend and this guy just comes close and puts his arm around me, he has never done that but i felt awkward cause he was my crush, but he wss like HEEEEEY i was like hey? then he was like, soooooo….. did u brought me this for today??????????? i was going to say ummm no cause i wasnt thinking of you at summer, and why would i bring to you that if it is my besties b-day? and so i said um no, then i dont remember but we sitted down. Then at the lockers, we were so close then he points at me snd says MAAAAAAAAAAAAATH!!!!! i was like um what??? then he returns to see his locker and get out his note book, and i thought he wanted that i start to talk, but i just ignored him, cause i was trying to get over him. We used to talk like friends but he used to make some jokes that where about me and made no sense, i sing really good and he made a joke saying in my dreams i sing good but in reality i dont? i mean, WHO DOES THAT? HE SAID THAT JOKE IN FRONT OF ME!!!! another example was when he said this girls could had never kicked the ball sohard as you!!!! he was talking to his friend ause his friend was with me and blame it on me, WHATS WRONG WITH MY LEGS?????? THERES NOTHING WRONG WITH THEM!!!!!! i always ask him to sing so i can hear his real singing voice but he never let me hear it until this one time he was singing but i think he didnt know i was just at the back and i just told him OMG YOU SING REALLY GOOOOOD!!! and he was juust smilling looking at the floor like if he was flushing? idk it was wierd. and last but not least when i text him, he sees my texts really fast but then he takes a long time to answer but sometimes he just ignores me and sees my texts at 1 am or 12, and im like WTF!!!!!!! and we used to make a lot of eye contact but he always cut it by looking at the floor or something, or actually looking just aways, and then he ignores me, LIKE WHO DOES THAT WHEN YOU FINISHED DOING AN INTENSE EYE CONTACT? but now i avoid it, cause i want to get over him.
    Thats the weirdness with this guy, i want to know if its only my imagination or theres something going on
    ill be really happy if you helped me
    thanks! xoxoxo

  • shakira

    OK so I been knowing this Guy for 2 years now but within the years he always been distance ..we started off real cool than after we had sex he started ignoring me for a while mind you he acts stubborn like he have a wall build up and never opens up when I asks him why he treat me like this, he took awhile toanswer then he finally explained his heartbreak and answered in defense mode ..the sex be great ! But it’s like aftwards he would distance again for a while he get mad when I say I would just leave him Alone all he have to do was give me the word that he wants me to back off but he would say “no , did I say I want you to back off?” So I’ll be confused and angry and o would go crazy on him lol I hate to be ignored I tell him how I feel all the time .I’ll end up backing off for a while then I’ll end up right back calling him ..can you give me advice on what to do or answers on why he could be acting like that is it me? Am I’m pushing him away because of my clingliness??

    • Ok truthfully speaking… sure you might be pushing him away because of the clinginess, as you called it, BUT I see it more as you expecting more from him just because you had sex.

      You’re constantly telling him how you feel when he already knows it.

      Now mind you, this is not really the problem. So to speak.

      The problem is HIM. He told you he’s in defense mode. I’m going assume that means he’s playing it cautious and doesn’t want to get into a relationship with you because he claims he doesn’t want to get hrut. However you seem to be acting like you’re in one. Probably why he backs away after sex all the time. Because he feels you’ll get too close to him based on the intimacy you just shared.

      Shakira… it sounds like you want a relationship and he doesn’t AND he will continue doing this for as along as he getting what HE wants.

      What you should be concerned with is what YOU want and if you’re not getting because he’s scared or whatever reason he gives you that means YOU must either break it off, or see him less often, stop having sex with him, and start looking for a guy who DOES want a relationship.

      Lots of men use this excuse all the time, “I don’t want to get hurt again.” but they’ll take the sex anyways and deal with a little bit of drama, Is that fair to you or any woman who is willing to accept that kind of behavior. Nope. It certainly is NOT.

      That excuse simply means: They are NOT ready and having sex wont make them ready. The excuse also can mean, “As long as I say it, she might still give it up and I never have to commit for it.” Something many guys have done and still do. It could also mean he’s not emotionally mature, stuck in the past, OR is actually still in love with the person that hurt him and refuses to move on.

      None of which has anything to do with you or whether you’re clingy, hate being ignored, or do everything in your power to change the situation or him.

      BUT you do have the power to walk away and expect more from the guys you date. I know you do.

      With all the kindness regards and the best to you,


      • shakira

        Hey its me again lol i didnt know how to reply to your comment but anyway Yea but sadly I have feelings for him I always forget about him for a long while but he always seems to pop up in my head and I’ll end up calling him or he’ll end up calling me out of nowhere ..I be wanting to have sex but he’ll turn it down majority the time I’ll say “well is it just the sex you want” and he’ll get mad and say”did I say that? I wouldn’t be still talking to you” but that’s the thing we barely talk and when I bring up these things he’ll be ready to drop the conversation one time he told me he like when I act crazy smh I don’t understand he asked me was I loyal Cuz he thinking about making me his girl he was jealous at times too so that’s what be having me confused but your right I don’t deserve it I just can’t help but to think about him he’s like a cautious in the back of my mind and I be thinking maybe its hope in the long run but that’s silly right I’ll just have to just leave it alone

  • Office Crush

    Ever since I started working at my job 2 years ago, my boss seemed to have some sort of attraction for me. He is married. I noticed in the beginning he was just always staring and smiling. And as soon as I catch him looking, he looks away or looks down as if he’s embarrassed. There were days when I asked him questions about work, and he would look a little nervous.. I will admit that it caught my attention and soon enough I started having a crush on him. Slowly as the months went by, he would start teasing and joking around with me, and would playfully touch or tickle me, but not in any sexual way. I would reciprocate by laughing and joking back. I think he knew by then that I was into him too, so he started making eye contact a lot with me when he walks by my desk. When he does I keep my gaze on his eyes but eventually would look away. As more months went by, he started to get comfortable with me and once in a while he would just call me in his office to just see how I’m doing. He asks if I’m ok, and when I’m not, he wants to know what’s going on with me. He also knows that I like cheesecake, so occasionally he would go out and get me a slice of cheesecake, sometimes surprising me with it.

    There are days when he seems like he really likes me, but on other days it seems like he doesn’t. On those days he will not talk to me or make the effort to start a conversation. Sometimes it’s like he just ignores me. I know that he is married and he’s also my boss so there’s no point in wondering since I can’t have anything with him. But it bugs me still. Sometimes I think that maybe he is just to playing with me, but wouldn’t he be more confident then if it was just a meaningless game? Then again, I do ignore him too some days because I get really nervous around him and don’t know what to talk about. So given all the facts that he’s my boss and that he’s married, why might he act like he doesn’t like me sometimes?

  • Elyse

    “So given all the facts that he’s my boss and that he’s married, why might he act like he doesn’t like me sometimes?”

    I mean… isn’t the answer obvious? You said it yourself, just there. Not only is this man your boss but he’s also married. It is possible to be attracted to/have crushes on other people when you’re in a committed relationship (even marriage) because it’s nearly impossible to ignore an entire world full of other attractive people… The trick is not acting on those feelings.

    It sounds like he does like you, perhaps just as a friend or perhaps as a crush, but that shouldn’t matter to you or him based on the two factors you mentioned above. I’m guessing that he has recognized that he likes you and, out of respect for his position and current relationship, has started to pull back a bit. I’m betting that he thinks ignoring you, or at least paying less attention to you, will keep both his job and his marriage out of jeopardy. Some people like to walk that line and some people don’t. It sounds like he’s trying not to.

    I suggest you look for someone who’s interested AND available, as opposed to paying your married boss any mind. Continue being friendly, but in a polite, professional manner. Or don’t. In the end, it’s your choice!

    • Peter White

      Great points Elyse and thank you for sharing. Well put.

  • ron

    Hi pete,
    I really need a help.Five years back I met a guy we became too close,shared everything.I felt for him and proposed him though I know we cant be together as he is younger to me. We were in relationship.Soon he became very serious for me ,I dont want to hurt him, as he is a nice and sensitive guy so told him its better we should not get close .He said he will try to convince my parent.Slowly I did fight and tried to make him away from me.We had break up and patch up 6 times. I told him that I dont want to et into relationsips. II was’nt that matured at that time.Everything stopped between us.no calls,text etc.Yearly once or twice we talked.After six months I met a guy and start dating him .My ex came to know.after tat couple of time I ave talked to my ex.My ex was also dating another girl .But he tease me and taunt me during our conversion.I do love my ex….Now I had many issues with my boyfriend.We had break up. I happen to met my ex.We resolve all the issues between us.He confess he still love me.We meet sometimes.Oneday he kissed me suddenly.I was happy.After one month, when I came to his city for one month he ignore my calls. I called him the reason he said he love another girl.I was socked..”what was the kiss for”?.I ask him to meet me for last time as i want to give him his birthday present.He met me ,He said he just like that girl and that girl has boyfriend.I gave him the gift .He was filled with emotion He cried…we meet often.we kissed again.I return home he drop me to station.Again he does’nt talk over phone..no msg.For some work I went his city.He said as because of office work and personal problems,he is not giving time to me…Why he is behaving like this?

  • nadine

    I need your help.
    We are currently co-workers.
    We had an affair for several months, with a lot of ups and downs. We finally broke up, like 2 months ago. I found out that he lied to me about being single. Since then he’s completely ignoring me. I mean, he doesn’t even say hello, I reckon that I’m doing the same too. And when I’m out of the office he ask about me to one of my friend and co-worker. I tried in the past to ask him for a talk but he didn’t wanto. He said he was much happier without me in his life and wanted me to leave him alone.
    Now my contract is over ( it was a temporary one) and I’m leaving for good by the end of the months. I would like to know if I should take an other step in his direction, or no. Truth is since the “break -up” mutual co-worker told me “stop making it so awkward guys. It’s not even possible to lunch with both of you at the same time because you both became are so cold with each other now. But we told it to him too”. I tried to speack with him twice. But rejected me. That was One month ago. Two weeks ago, I was on a date with an other guy and we saw each other. He was with an other girl and an other guy. We played it as we didn’t know each other. But I was so sad that I end up my date immediately and asked to go back home. Two days after, I took a day off and he asked about me twice in the same day to my friend. I don’t understand… we had the opportunity to be in the same lift, just both of us, since then. Nothing happen, he put is headphones up and gave me his back. It happens 4 times. I don’t Know what to do. When we see each other at work we literally ignore each other and same out of the office. We are not even cordial. It’s total ignorance. Should I send him a mail on my last day or the day after, or a sms… Or should I let the situation like this and forget him for good. Sorry for my spelling mistakes. I’m a native french speaker and I live en Belgium. I do my best with this English… Thanks in advance for your advises.

  • Nicole

    I am too late? Haha, I hope not! I just… need someone to tell me straight up even though I know the answer. It’s just… I can’t talk about this with anyone else without causing some drama.

    So, there is this guy that I’ve been talking to for *months!* Of course we met through the clan in a online game we both play, so we don’t live in the same country. He is in Canada and I’m in the US. Anyway! The first month, I wasn’t entirely sure if I liked him or not because he made some comments that were… interesting, but he was funny and really sweet to me. It was into the second month that I started to gain some feelings for the guy and started talking to each other some more.

    In the third month, however, I am pretty much ignored once I recruited another girl into the clan and it turns out both her and he live pretty close to each other. I shrugged this off, since he begun to work, and simply left him with a message every other day telling him I hoped he had a good day at work. However, it was barely even a few weeks in since I’ve recruited her that I was told by a clan member I was pretty close to that the guy I’ve been talking to told *him* that HE and HER might become a thing. This obviously threw me into a loop because I’m pretty chill with the girl. Because we (the guy and I) have both told each other how much we like each other. I chatted with the girl, like I usually do, before I mentioned about my little crush on him. Turned out they guy was working his moves on her as well… a little later that same clannie of mine confronted him about it because I was joking how I was being ignored because he was pretty ticked off about it (was nice about it apparently tho), and the guy talked to me when I spoke to him on Skype. We chatted a bit before I asked him about it though. He told he wouldn’t do that to me, since I’m /me/. That she isn’t his type. Then he mentioned he was concerned about another online gamer that I’ve known since last year, that he was worried he was going to “steal me away from him. I would kill someone.” I waved off that concern though, saying that no one could take me away from him. Of course, he goes back to ignoring me, rarely speaking to me unless he is in the TS3 when I am.

    Now he has completely ignored my question of “I don’t mean to be pushy or anything, but what are we, exactly?” for a week straight now. Despite me mentioning him to check out his Skype at least twice. Just recently asked him the second time, actually, saying that I really needed a reply to a message I sent him on Skype once everyone else had went to bed because of school. He said alright, but then that’s when I said I would be right back, I needed to grab a box of tissues for my runny nose. When I come back, he has disconnected from the TS3.

    Can I just say that I really need someone to tell me what I know what this means, so I can force myself to move on? It’s hard for me to do that by myself once I like someone, which is why I honestly dislike having feelings when something like this happens. Did I seem needy or clingy, though? For messaging so many times despite knowing but hoping I would get a reply back?

    • Emma

      Hi Nicole,
      This reminds me of a similar situation thst I was in last year. In my case the guy wanted us to be an item & so did I but was scared 2 due 2 my previous relationship but then he kissed me and I was convinced that he was worth it.I told him 2 give me time 2 adjust to the idea of us bring a thing which he was completely fine withhe told me he doesn’t want to rush me so I should take my time to do so. 2 days later he told me he wasn’t ready to date & wants 2 focus on what he wants in life. I was ok with it and we agreed 2 meet up 2 talk. The dsy csme & he didn’t show up , I asked him why & he got mad @ me & we had an argument. I tried making peace but he ignored me. Despite this, a mutual friend kept telling me thstthis guy still had feelings for me. I then decided to move on after Pete asked me to(&I’m glad I listened to him). 3 /4months later, I met a friend who knew him & was told that he dated her. What made me shocked was the fact that he kissed & asked her out the day after he did the same to me!
      A year later here I am thinking of what to buy my boyfriend for our 1 year anniversary! And I could gush and rave about him all day long cus he was worth waiting for than the guy Im talking about.
      So Nicole, first of all you at least know that there’s another girl that he might be into even though he’s denying it. Second of all, it could be that he doesn’t know how to deal with his feelings for you. Maybe something is holding him back(probably from previous experience) from defining what is between the two of you. OR he’s indecisive and torn between you and the other girl(that is if it’s true that he has feelings for her). Finally it could be that he’s simply telling you that “THERE’S NOTHING BETWEEN US NICOLE” silently. I don’t think he’ll say it out loud. Ive come to learn that guys like to give silent treatment and speeches with the hope that we’ll get their message. It could be that you asking him more than once made him feel like you are putting him under presure and being desperate.I will say that you should JUST MOVE ON. Keep your door open for the right person to come around at the right time. Hope this helps. :)

    • Peter White

      Hello Nicole,

      I wouldn’t say you were too needy at first BUT you did let it get to you enough to (sort of) act out of frustration. Something not planned but works well in pushing guys away that are already on the edge.

      In all honesty, and this is a just a guess, he feels you live too far away but didn’t want to ruin the flirty relationship so he kept it up. However, when the other girl came into the picture, he might’ve used you to make her jealous and to make him feel more confident. Enough to go after the closer girl.

      My advice is to always remain in reality when you’re dealing with someone who lives beyond your everyday means of transportation. It was probably the distance which caused the problem in the first place and not what you believe was neediness.

      Remember acting out of frustration is not being needy and although some guys see it that way, it does not mean it’s true. He frustrated you to the point where you felt you HAD to know the answer. Which now you know, getting that answer is not as simple or recommended to just ask unless there actually IS a real relationship going on.

      I understand how hard it is, when you only just want the truth is these circumstances and it can cause lots of women to “do the wrong thing” but at least you’ll know next time that when the very first moment you feel a guy is playing a game with you or is more interested in some other girl or you’re unsure because of things which are out of your control, (distance) that it’s best to just let it go and move on quickly.

      Actually doing that works better on men anyways especially if they realize they missed out on something great.


      You’re not too late.

      Was that straight up enough for you gamer girl? :)

      Wishing you a quick recovery,


  • Nicole

    Hello Emma, thank you for your comment! And yes, thank you, Peter, that was straight up enough for me. Both yours and Emma’s comment has set me for what I need to do; moving on. I can’t thank you enough! :)

  • mona

    Hi !
    Need ur help,,,i m sooo confused. N this confusion is disturbing me now.I had a crush on this guy,he’s a bus driver.a month back i noticed tht even he looks at me ,,we both stare,,smile,,,but no talking between us,,,both of us are too shy.but some times he ignores.i had read ur posts earlier and got to kno that guys do this to get ur attention.last few days i was out and was not able to see him nd today he ignored me …i m feelin bad.i want to know what should i do to know whats in his mind.should i start ignoring.is he serious? I m clueless…help me plz

  • hecute

    Okay so i met this guy about a month ago he was telling my friend that he was into me but was trying to hook me up with his friends… i looked at him and said why not hook yourself up? he blushed and said oh i wasnt sure.. so i got his # a few weeks later i texted him and he took me out on a date it was nice ! we really connected and got along. after that we chilled for a week straight i met his friends we went on a couple more dates! he always complimented how beautiful i was and how he knows i have alot of other men. which i DONT and i told that i like him and im not interested in anyone else. He doesnt believe that a pretty girl like me would go for someone like him.. Anyways we chilled the other day at his place got closer and at the end of the night we were basically face to face but he wouldnt make a move so i said why dont you kiss me he smiled and said you know im sick i just dont want to get you sick… I was flattered but i really wanted kiss him!! A couple hours later he drove me home and said trust me i want to kiss u im just looking out for you. Before i left i told he told me he had an amazing time and i told him to text me. Well… he didnt text me ! its only been a couple days but we really hit it off!! did i scare him away?! things were going great .. HELP !

  • Benny

    my boyfriend saw my text messages that I sent to another guy…I was very confuse ,,,,the text msgs was basically love msgs,,in d message I was trying to explain to the guy that,I don’t wanna ve sex,,,I don’t want a break up and am very very confuse,ashamed of myself and I regret everything,,I didn’t know it was going to hurt this much…what do I do

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