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Why Do Guys…?

Why Do Some Men Like You One Time, Then Pretend They Barely Know You?

in Does He Like You
What does it mean when a guy is playing hard to get or is ignoring you right after you meet.

Why is it when a guy is into you, shows every sign he likes you, but the next time he sees you it’s like you don’t even exist?

He acts a little distant. Barely listens to a word you say.

You want to ask him what’s wrong but it’s not like you’re dating or anything. You’re not in a relationship. You’re still getting to know each other…

But for some reason he’s making you feel you did something wrong and this passive aggressive attitude he’s displaying is making you wonder why you’re even bothering with him at all.

I was totally into this “chic” once. She was the type who lots of guys chase. You could take one look at her and instantly assume she could have any guy she wanted.

If you don’t know about how much attraction controls men I can tell you it’s not too easy to shrug off. It makes you do things you wouldn’t normally do. It makes you almost want to give everything you got – in the hopes the attraction would be returned.

The way I see it – as a man who’s studied this stuff – us guys actually “suffer” from attraction because if we follow it and listen to it, it only seems to do just the opposite to the woman we’re madly falling for. It’s like when we go blindly into in it causes us to push any highly sought out woman away.

Well let me tell you this girl had me hooked. Literally every curve on her body mesmerized me. Her face was flawless and her eyes, the way they lit up when she saw me… got me scared.

I was terrified I was going to screw it up.

So here’s this guy – not the greatest “ladies man” in the world at the time, hasn’t had much success with very attractive women, and feeling it like there’s no tomorrow.

Feeling the peak of attraction I gave it all despite all my fears.

Tried to make her laugh. Tried to find a connection with her. Tried to be “all that a man could be” because I was “suffering” from a lowered self-esteem just being around her.

Just so you know, it felt like it worked. She was returning the flirts and playing right back with me. The chemistry was increasing and so was the sexual tension. Despite the fact as our interaction continued so did my self-confidence because she was just that cool to be around.

Now you would think I would’ve been smart enough to run with it. To “do my thing” and keep it up. You would think, because it only makes sense, I’d be all her into her when we met again.

But it wasn’t like that at all.

There was more people around. More guys there to flirt with her. Suddenly every available “stud” was taking over where I had left off and I just knew it was a losing battle.

Here I am, now watching other guys be all into her and I got a glimpse into the future.

We’d talk a little. Get to know each other better. A few weeks or maybe a month would pass and we would grow closer.

And I’ve been through that before. What happened was more predictable than the sunrise.

While I was “doing all the work” she was dating some other guy and kissing him on the first date. since I was “being nice” and spent way too much time waiting for the moment to happen, and didn’t know how to make it happen naturally…

I was waiting for HER to make a move on me.

To men – that’s the ultimate sign a girl is into them. As in when she makes a move on him.

Remember that because “making a move” to some men is a lot more than just going for a kiss.

You see this seemingly innocent “passive aggressive” method is just another way to get YOU to prove how much you like us.

If we ignore you and you seek us out – our confidence goes up and we believe you’re feeling it just as much as we are.

If we keep away and act aloof or distant it’s a test.

We definitely want to feel in control of our attraction and if we can stay away long enough, it gives us time to think about how to handle it and stop our attraction from pushing you away. After all every guy understands (even though he act differently) every woman he chases just seems to run away quicker.

We’re testing our restraint but more than that we’re testing YOU because some guys, like I was, need to feel like you’re into us just as much as the guy you kissed so much quicker than us.

When we predict our future with you and we only see what some other woman did to us, our anger turns passive and we want to make sure THIS TIME it’s going to be different.

This time I won’t chase her because she’s too hot. This time I won’t be the guy who kisses her ass “hoping” she’ll like us back.

This time I will do anything and everything I know to make sure I make her prove how much she likes me. Even if it means ignoring you and acting like I couldn’t care less about her.

Thus satisfying the fragile “Ego” and it’s thirst for validation.

Okay, so you met a guy who seemed into you and you even “liked” him back. And the next time you’re together it feel like you don’t exist anymore.

Don’t let him fool you – he just wants to know you’re going to meet him half way. Or maybe the whole way. He is probably worried too much spent watching for your signals or he just doesn’t understand how all this attraction thing really works.

Is he playing you on purpose?

Some are. I won’t lie.

Did you do something to push him away?

Well obviously there’s a chance that DID happen.

Is there a chance he doesn’t even notice it’s happening?

Of course. Some guys just don’t pay attention to this kind of stuff as much as others.

Yet, generally speaking, you can consider it giving you space. He’s trying to show you he’s not needy. He doesn’t want to screw it up. He wants you to prove to him you’re not going to treat him like a “dear friend” three weeks down the road.

Men are not always obvious when their attraction for you is driving them crazy.

If a guy likes you one minute and is ignoring you the next – all things considered it just he means he “really really really” likes you! ;)

Peter White - Why Do Guy...?

Peter White. Thanks for stopping by and listening to a male’s point view. You can stay in touch by – *receiving my newsletter, *friending my Facebook page – DialteG tm – Here is where a teach men about you *DiaLteG – and this where I get to talk about meeting and approaching the opposite sex – *The Approach.

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136 comments… add one

  • Eloquent Massacre

    Hey, I normally don’t go for online advice, but I saw this blog and got the urge to ask you a question about my current situation.

    I’m in an open relationship and this other guy I’m fooling around with is confusing me. (I know most people don’t get the open relationship thing, but hey if works don’t knock it) I met him in a college class and he was fully aware of the situation. (that I have a boyfriend and was only looking for a friend and a fuck buddy) However, things quickly changed and twice now he has decided that we should not talk anymore. The first time he claimed I misread him a lot and was done with me. (really, I was just PMSing and did not flirt back with him when he made the effort). We kissed for hours on end, fooled around a lot, invited each other to events with each others friends, and talked about him visiting me when I moved to a different city just a few hours away when I transferred colleges. It was a lot of fun and I thought we were both enjoying it. Then he and his friends happen to go to an event that me, my friends and my boyfriend are going to and the next I hear from him he thinks we don’t click or have a connection and does not want to have a friendship that is purely sexual. When he first saw me at this event, he tried to call me over to him but then walked away when my bf grabbed my hand and then avoided me the rest of the day. I, of course, did not accept this and called BS on it. He in turn got mean.

    I have no idea if I should just accept that what he is saying is the truth or if I’m missing something. I would like to fix this situation if I can, because he is a really cool person and I liked hanging with him. (especially the fooling around part)

    • Peter White

      Hey Eloquent Massacre…

      I wouldn’t knock your open relationship. As far as I’m concerned you can have as many fuck buddies as your body wants. And it’s really cool your boyfriend is okay with it.


      You must know not every guy can handle it like your boyfriend. Not every guy, even if they try, will be able to hold back the jealousy or deal with being the “other” guy.

      It sounds like your friend is on edge because he is having issues with being that other guy. This will cause the drama or have him be mean to you.

      He’ll lash out however he feels in an effort to gain your attention and take it away from your boyfriend or just to monopolize the situation. In a way he might even do it (knowingly or not) in an attempt to cause friction between you and your man. Perhaps hoping it will cause a breakup where he will finally get you all to himself.

      If you’re that good ;) you’ll find lots of guys will give it a try but not all of them will be able to handle it.

      I don’t think you can fix a man (or him) so I don’t believe you can remedy the situation beyond leaving your current boyfriend and entering a close relationship with your fuck buddy. Even then there will still be a residue left over which will bring out his jealousy very easily.

      There are lots of cool guys out there as I’m sure you already know but just because a guy is cool does not mean they’ll be cool with being the “other” guy. That takes a certain type of man and it’s best to qualify those men very specifically for traits that are able to deal with your open relationship first.

      Glad you stepped out of your “normal ways” to stop by and ask your questions. It’s good to know I was the guy who prompted you to do so…

      Best to you Miss Massacre,


      • Eloquent Massacre

        Hmm…Thank you Pete. I was having issues debating on whether or not there was more to his story. Being poly amorous can be very dramatic and difficult haha. I really like this guy though, so I think giving him some time and space might make him more likely to talk to me again. Or am I wrong? Again, thank you very much.

        • Peter White

          You’re welcome. It’s a good bet giving him time and space will get him to start talking to you again… once his mind quiets. But I still profess it won’t change his ability to handle the poly amorous thing.

          • Eloquent Massacre

            That’s okay. Friendship is good too. ^-^

  • Nikko

    Hey! Um I read your blog and well I feel like you may be able to help me. Well um I have been real close friends with a guy for around 4 years and he started flirting since last year. And then he just kept calling me stunning and gorgeous everyday. About a month ago he admitted he has a crush on me and I said i liked him back and blah blah. Then he just ignored me for a while and I thought maybe something was wrong with me because I’m so insecure. He then texted me saying he missed me and then I said me too but he didn’t even reply. Then he just got the ignore game going again and then last week he just asked how I was and I said fine thanks and he didn’t even bother texting back.
    It’s been about a couple weeks now and I would probably not care if it was anyone else but dammit all I think about is him. What’s wrong? What should I do? He said he has strong feelings then boom. Is this normal? Because it’s hurting me a lot

    • Winking Willow

      Nikko – did someone ever reply to you because this is exactly what I am going through!

    • Peter White

      Hey Nikko,

      I’m not sure about something… after he admitted he had a crush on you and you told him you liked him back, it’s the “blah blah” thing which I’m not getting. What exactly happened right after that? Explain that part please.

      If nothing happened intimately or to really show each other then it sounds like he’s waiting for you to make that move. I’ve found the guys who “all of a sudden” mention how they’re feeling to a girl after a long friendship have probably feel attracted for a long time.

      Going from “friendship” to “something more” for those guys is very difficult. It’s strange because so many of them dream about that day and how it will all go down (in their favor) but so few of them ever can back it up physically.

      Not many of them actually expect the girl to say, “I like you back” so when it all goes down they suddenly become stuck. Frozen. Unresponsive from shock.

      It sounds like he’s not ignoring you but he just doesn’t know what to do next. Especially if he’s been known to be a “friends zone” guy. This would explain the almost robotic texts you got from him.

      Have you ever tried to psyche yourself into doing something? You keep trying to talk yourself into in but when the moment of truth comes you go completely blank.

      Like studying for an exam and when the time comes, you forgot everything.

      Or getting prepared for an important interview only to stammer out the answers you had down. It just wouldn’t go from brain to mouth.

      Remember though, my answer is based on how you reacted…

      I heard “I like you too… blah blah…” and if that’s what he heard then he was probably hoping you’d show it more. Unfortunately telling some guys you like him back may not be enough.

      If he’s been harboring or building up his attraction for four years then I imagine he’s an overly nice guy who found himself in your friends zone.

      These guys tend to unknowingly test a woman to prove how much she likes them. They typically “put it out there” and suddenly expect you to be all over them either by texting or calling or doing other fun things.

      I think, in a way they expect you to suddenly become uncontrollably infatuated with him… Wait a second… You did! :D

      Except you’ve told me about it and he either missed how much you felt about him or you didn’t make it clear enough to him or his Ego causing him to pull back and revert to a frozen state.

      On the other side: If he’s a constant dater or has lots of women in his life beyond friendships then I imagine he’s either taking his time, playing it cool, giving you space because he wants to get out of the friends only thing, or is trying to get you to chase him.

      You know him better than I do when it comes to who he is and the choices he’s capable of.

      My best guess is the first type of guy. It’s not uncommon.

      He’s been a close friend for three years and then he started flirting for a year. He’s called you stunning and gorgeous everyday which is practically begging for your approval.

      He admitted he has a crush on you…

      And then goes silent…

      My bet is he’s thinking about you just as much or even more then you’re thinking about him.

      I highly doubt something’s wrong with you Nikko.

      Let me know how it all works out for you and your crush. I do hope I’ve helped you out a little,


  • Eloquent Massacre

    Okay, there’s been a new development and I am starting to feel desperate. I got the guy to agree to meet up with me so I could give him something I had been meaning to for awhile and when I said I would be at his place at a certain time the next day, he said, “Uhm….thanks for asking? You know what, never mind don’t bother.” and a series of very mean targeted texts with me overreacting a bit honestly… I kept calling him hoping to get him on the phone because it’s just more effective in my opinion. When I asked why the fuck he was doing this he said, “I already told you. And the way you are acting right now makes me want to stay away from you even more. Stop calling me dude. You are acting like a child. I don’t feel the urge to associate with you anymore. I don’t need to give you a reason. If you recall this is not my first time saying this.” and “Just because it is not what you want to hear does not make it a lie. Goodbye dude haha” I told him he was hiding something from me and got this, “I am not hiding anything. I don’t feel like I bond with you well. So I am cutting off. Not a big deal, not hard to get. Simple as that.” I said bullshit and that I knew he knew we bonded well and got this as the last text ever from him, “We may bond well in your mind, but a lot of the shit you say irritates the fuck out of me. I am just too nice to be a dick about it. haha stop assuming you know things you don’t, it’s sad. I won’t be talking to you anymore, this is getting pathetic.” What did I miss the first time? This is making me think he was actually being completely truthful the first time, but I don’t know.

    Hindsight is 20/20 and I know I could have handled it a hell of a lot better, but what the hell is going on here? From a man’s perspective, what does it appear to be?

    • Peter White

      Hello again,

      Not much more than not waiting long enough. Angry men can stay that way for while when they’re attracted to a woman.

      Please don’t mistake the attraction as being a reason to continue to contact him though. You’ve already seen what happens when he gets mad and then you get mad and then everything gets way out of hand.

      When a man implicitly states he doesn’t want you in his life and then you introduce more drama it just doesn’t help the situation at all. It makes it worse and as you’ve seen first hand – when the worst comes out he’ll do anything and say anything to keep you from contacting again.

      So from a man’s perspective, if I asked for space and didn’t get it – I would be more inclined to move to drastic measures to have my wishes made.

      The more hurt feelings, the more drastic the reaction. Especially if you try to pry deeper for what may appear to him as your own selfish need for closure.

  • What if he just lost interest, It happened to me. I like to socialize, yes I admit people think I’m hot. The last time he texted me, he just said, dear, ive been busy with work, i will text you tomorrow, and he never did, I just let it go, because I thought he needed space and probably I should not chase him or need any explanation since we are not official yet. I really like him and it hurts me.

  • N

    Hi.I had written to you in December regarding an ex- colleague and my then immediate boss whom I had feelings for and it was the same from his end and we both had expressed it.After 8 months,he just blocked me on WhatsApp and I hadn’t done anything to irk him.There were a few misunderstandings and occasionally hurting each other due to office politics and games being played by his bosses and since he was in a position of authority,his anger would come out on me actively and passively both.But that was long back and we had sorted it out and everything was fine between us when he blocked me.I tried finding out the reason by texting and calling him a few times but there was no response except once in December when he texted me that he ll call back later.But since then he hasn’t responded. I had then quit my job coz second time he had stopped communicating with me and it was becoming very difficult and painful for me to work under him.I had wished him on the New Year and even on his b’day in Feb but no response.I am giving him his space.I do send him txt mesgs everyday just to let him know that I am playing along and at the same time,also creating that space for both of us.I tried very hard but could not find another job as a journalist elsewhere and currently I am in talks with the authorities in the same company again and they are willing to take me again.Although,he stopped communicating with me,I always found him staring at me or then sometimes looking at me from the corner of his eyes.He hasn’t been in a relationship before and he had told me several times that he is professionally good but in matters of women he is not.He had said that he tries doing something else and things actually go wrong.He is a very upfront guy and overall an angry person too,so I believe if I was breathing down his neck which is not the case then he would have just told me once and for all that he is not interested anymore.Earlier too,when there were issues about his home loan,office politics and all which were making him stressed and he wasn’t able to handle our matter too,he had clearly told me then that he was uncomfortable talking to me and he did not want to be friends with me.But then later he only came to me and sorted out the matter.Please help,Pete.I would be highly obliged and your advise will also give me an insight as to how to keep it cordial with him when I start working under him again.I would like to know the probable reasons why he hasn’t contacted all this while since December.

    I am also sharing with you the question that I had posted in December so that you ll be in a better position to understand his depth of feelings for me.

    This is what I had written to you in December:
    Hi.I really liked your blog.It gave me a new insight..I met a guy at my workplace.He is 27.I m 24.We both are journalists by profession.We have known each other for 9 months now.After a few interactions,he said he has feelings for me.He said I ll be a good partner,a good gf,a good professional partner,a good wife,a good daughter-in-law and a good mother.He said he wanted to be with me but doesn’t have time for a relationship….He also mentioned that he hasn’t thought about marriage as yet..He knows I love him.. At present,he is not talking to me since last 2 months.I tried contacting him thru mesgs,bt there was no response..When I called him once,he disconnected my call but he did reply that he ll call back later.It’s been more than a week but he hasn’t called…A few months ago due to work pressure and office politics and I believe he had some personal issues too,for 2 months he hardly spoke to me…Later when he spoke to me,he asked me if I was hurt by his behaviour due to the personal equation dat we share or was it coz he wasn’t helping me in office with my work since I was his junior and he was heading the team…I said I don’t know at first but he ensured that I opened upto him..Then he told me that he was stressed with work and office politics and all..As far as I know,I haven’t hurt him or irked him as of now.I think he is upset for some other reasons? Am I right? How should I broach the topic to him and try to help him in opening up to me..I am upset.Please do reply.Thank you..

    • Peter White


      My first thoughts…

      He’s cutting you off as nicely as he can without being direct and honest. Some men do that when they are used to avoiding confrontation (especially in your work-boss-situation where’s there more confrontation than just two people calling it off.)

      Both of you are obviously seeing how all this is going very differently. Where you might have felt “you worked things out” he probably believed you now understood why he’s stopped contacting you. HE may have seen it as closure while you saw it as an opening or were not satisfied by the talks.

      Next, when you texted him and called a few times and then quit your job as he only responded enough to blow you off or stop you from texting – this, to him, can become a clear signal you find all this too difficult to deal with and you still didn’t understand what he was either trying to say, or blatantly telling you but you mis-read it.

      You wrote this –> “I am giving him his space.I do send him txt mesgs everyday just to let him know that I am playing along and at the same time,also creating that space for both of us.”

      N, that is not space. To a guy that’s drama and he may feel helpless as to how to handle it. Maybe he doesn’t want to deal with it because he already said his peace. And just maybe he feels “by saying nothing at all” you’ll take the hint.

      You also wrote this –> “He is a very upfront guy and overall an angry person (…) I believe if I was breathing down his neck which is not the case then he would have just told me once” and then this –> “He wasn’t able to handle our matter too, he had clearly told me then that he was uncomfortable talking to me and he did not want to be friends with me”

      That sounds pretty clear and upfront to me.

      Again, the next part was him thinking he’s made his point but once more but you read it as him being okay with all the contacting and possible other stuff.

      If you must work with him the only way I could doing it is by erasing the past the best you can. As difficult as it may seem to do – this must be a work only relationship.

      What if he starts again? What if you can’t help but try to be more to him? What if everything I told you today is wrong? What if everything I’ve told you today is right?

      No matter what, if you need this job, if it has to be, then being cordial means finding a way to discontinue anything but a work relationship.

      I know it’s tough to do considering the past but you might have to choose what is more likely to happen. You’ll find another job equal or better OR you’ll eventually get past him and meet someone new equal or better than him.

      No matter what I do hope I’ve cleared up some stuff for you the best I can.

      I usually don’t recommend any kind of work relationships because there’s always going to be some kind of conflict of interest involved but I also understand sometimes – life happens… right?

      Best to you N,


  • Jimmuthegem

    Hi Peter,

    I can’t believe I’m doing this I never posted or commented any subject like this on the internet but maybe you can help me:-)Long story short:I work with my colleague for over a year and although we talked each other a lot before,I never noticed him as a man before as he is absolutely not my type and more importantly Im married. He moved in to a new department within the company but stayed at the same building.He is not a ladies man,he is married and he is in a higher position than me (its always been like that).

    He always fancied me on a very professional way (glances but when i looked at him he looked away) so I never really cared about him as I was too busy with other things.When he moved in to another department i realised that I like him a lot and I got panicky and my whole world has changed,so his.He gave me that look,we stared each other like we never saw each other before,no smile or something just stares and we both felt on the same way.Since we know there is a hell of a something between us we stopped talking completely.

    I mean we see each other every day as he come to my department with some silly excuses altough he talks to everyone:expect me.Still staring at each other when no ones see us,but these stares becaome glances,half smiles,none of us say “hi” or something and when we are very close to each other we both looking at the ground.Every time we see each other i start shaking,i cant look at him,im in loss and totally red and i want to dig a hole and jump in it,i wish i could be invisible and my heart beats so fast i always think that i will have a heart attack or something.This is scares me,dying like this would be pathetic.

    Despite this we still look at each other and when we do,none of us look away…but even saying “hello” takes a courage.We are both confident,happy cheerful people so shyness is out of our character.Im not in love with him but I want him so much.Its not about sex because we like each other mutually and none of us would cheat on their partner for purely sexual reasons.The whole situation is totally,I ridiculous I dont know whats wrong with me..I chose not to go in to his department as it causing me far too much nerves (heart beating too fast,im in a complete loss and behave like an idiot) but he keeps coming in to mine.

    He sometimes winks at me (normally i hate winks as its cheesy) but from him is super cute.However sometimes we completely ignore each other i mean we are not even looking at each other,but we both know that we are here because of each other.Additional info:Im the typical hottie,lots of guys are in to me but i never flirt as i find flirting useless,pathetic and completely unnecessary.I never feel myself better because some guys fancies me,I mean its great but I’m in to different things e.g:stimulating conversations about the Universe,history,philosophy…etc.

    Someday he is just blanking me,and the next day he almost hit the door because we just looking at each other.I miss our chats about life,i miss the communications between us.You know what i don’t understand is that if he feels on this way why he didn’t approached me yet?Why we stopped communicating?If he doesn’t want to cheat on his wife (which i truly doubt despite he is not a cheat or a flirt) why he isn’t just simply avoid from me as for him no reason to be in my department…he could easily stay where he is,but he chose to see me.

    Why we can’t talk?I mean I’m so nervous but if he would ask a simple “how are you”I’m pretty sure that i could put a normal sentence together:-)) (not sure but I hope i could).We never touched each other,never complimented each other well…once he did he said “whats not to like about you?”but because i haven’t seen him as a man I didn’t analysed it:-)))

    He heard many times from me in the beginning that how much i love my husband which is still true,but I want to be with him (my collegaue).If you ask me what i want from him I would say that I would like to have a secret affair with him,no strings attached but lots of laugh,intimacy,moments.

    I don’t want to think about how unethical is that,I never cheated on anyone yet because its out of my character and I would like to believe that I have good moral standards.Since this thing is happening between us i realised that I’m just a human which is not an excuse,but an explanation:-))

    Im a woman therefore i will never approach him.Never ever happened to me anything like this.I mean having a crush on a guy who’s not my type,afraid losing him when I’m not in love,and just staring at each other,dreaming at each other without any action.If I was 15 it would be more understandable but im not a teen anymore.In other hand he is older than me and he is the man he should take the lead and man up and ask me out,before i lose my interest completely.I dont fancy boys but men who can be confident to say hi,hello,fancy a drink?

    Whats going on here?Can you help me with that?What do you think about this situation?Sorry because of the length in my life this is how a short story look like:-))Thank you for your help and mea culpa fro my grammar I’m Italian,its a nightmare;-))

  • Crystal


  • N

    Thanks for the response..I think I was not very clear in my mail.The first time that he stopped communicating in July by telling me that he is uncomfy and he doesn’t want to be friends,I had stopped communicating with him except for work..That too he would not reply..After a month or so,he only came and cleared the matter and started talking normally again and asked me if I was still thinking about the past..He had made a work request to me for his friend but I did not oblige him because I was too hurt.So he asked me if I was thinking about the past and whether saying no to him was on personal grounds or professional one.He wanted to know what hurt me more and I had replied that I don’t know.He said how can I not know and urged me to reply.So I cleared off the matter.After that we were friends again.So in that context I was saying that since he is an angry and an upfront guy,he would have clearly told me in December again that he doesn’t want to be friends with me.

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