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Why Do Guys…?

Why Do Some Men Like You One Time, Then Pretend They Barely Know You?

in Does He Like You
What does it mean when a guy is playing hard to get or is ignoring you right after you meet.

Why is it when a guy is into you, shows every sign he likes you, but the next time he sees you it’s like you don’t even exist?

He acts a little distant. Barely listens to a word you say.

You want to ask him what’s wrong but it’s not like you’re dating or anything. You’re not in a relationship. You’re still getting to know each other…

But for some reason he’s making you feel you did something wrong and this passive aggressive attitude he’s displaying is making you wonder why you’re even bothering with him at all.

I was totally into this “chic” once. She was the type who lots of guys chase. You could take one look at her and instantly assume she could have any guy she wanted.

If you don’t know about how much attraction controls men I can tell you it’s not too easy to shrug off. It makes you do things you wouldn’t normally do. It makes you almost want to give everything you got – in the hopes the attraction would be returned.

The way I see it – as a man who’s studied this stuff – us guys actually “suffer” from attraction because if we follow it and listen to it, it only seems to do just the opposite to the woman we’re madly falling for. It’s like when we go blindly into in it causes us to push any highly sought out woman away.

Well let me tell you this girl had me hooked. Literally every curve on her body mesmerized me. Her face was flawless and her eyes, the way they lit up when she saw me… got me scared.

I was terrified I was going to screw it up.

So here’s this guy – not the greatest “ladies man” in the world at the time, hasn’t had much success with very attractive women, and feeling it like there’s no tomorrow.

Feeling the peak of attraction I gave it all despite all my fears.

Tried to make her laugh. Tried to find a connection with her. Tried to be “all that a man could be” because I was “suffering” from a lowered self-esteem just being around her.

Just so you know, it felt like it worked. She was returning the flirts and playing right back with me. The chemistry was increasing and so was the sexual tension. Despite the fact as our interaction continued so did my self-confidence because she was just that cool to be around.

Now you would think I would’ve been smart enough to run with it. To “do my thing” and keep it up. You would think, because it only makes sense, I’d be all her into her when we met again.

But it wasn’t like that at all.

There was more people around. More guys there to flirt with her. Suddenly every available “stud” was taking over where I had left off and I just knew it was a losing battle.

Here I am, now watching other guys be all into her and I got a glimpse into the future.

We’d talk a little. Get to know each other better. A few weeks or maybe a month would pass and we would grow closer.

And I’ve been through that before. What happened was more predictable than the sunrise.

While I was “doing all the work” she was dating some other guy and kissing him on the first date. since I was “being nice” and spent way too much time waiting for the moment to happen, and didn’t know how to make it happen naturally…

I was waiting for HER to make a move on me.

To men – that’s the ultimate sign a girl is into them. As in when she makes a move on him.

Remember that because “making a move” to some men is a lot more than just going for a kiss.

You see this seemingly innocent “passive aggressive” method is just another way to get YOU to prove how much you like us.

If we ignore you and you seek us out – our confidence goes up and we believe you’re feeling it just as much as we are.

If we keep away and act aloof or distant it’s a test.

We definitely want to feel in control of our attraction and if we can stay away long enough, it gives us time to think about how to handle it and stop our attraction from pushing you away. After all every guy understands (even though he act differently) every woman he chases just seems to run away quicker.

We’re testing our restraint but more than that we’re testing YOU because some guys, like I was, need to feel like you’re into us just as much as the guy you kissed so much quicker than us.

When we predict our future with you and we only see what some other woman did to us, our anger turns passive and we want to make sure THIS TIME it’s going to be different.

This time I won’t chase her because she’s too hot. This time I won’t be the guy who kisses her ass “hoping” she’ll like us back.

This time I will do anything and everything I know to make sure I make her prove how much she likes me. Even if it means ignoring you and acting like I couldn’t care less about her.

Thus satisfying the fragile “Ego” and it’s thirst for validation.

Okay, so you met a guy who seemed into you and you even “liked” him back. And the next time you’re together it feel like you don’t exist anymore.

Don’t let him fool you – he just wants to know you’re going to meet him half way. Or maybe the whole way. He is probably worried too much spent watching for your signals or he just doesn’t understand how all this attraction thing really works.

Is he playing you on purpose?

Some are. I won’t lie.

Did you do something to push him away?

Well obviously there’s a chance that DID happen.

Is there a chance he doesn’t even notice it’s happening?

Of course. Some guys just don’t pay attention to this kind of stuff as much as others.

Yet, generally speaking, you can consider it giving you space. He’s trying to show you he’s not needy. He doesn’t want to screw it up. He wants you to prove to him you’re not going to treat him like a “dear friend” three weeks down the road.

Men are not always obvious when their attraction for you is driving them crazy.

If a guy likes you one minute and is ignoring you the next – all things considered it just he means he “really really really” likes you! ;)

Peter White - Why Do Guy...?

Peter White. Thanks for stopping by and listening to a male’s point view. You can stay in touch by – *receiving my newsletter, *friending my Facebook page here. – Here is where a teach men about you *DiaLteG – and this where I get to talk about meeting and approaching the opposite sex – *The Approach.

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243 comments… add one

  • Sireglamore

    Hi, I just wondered if you could offer me any advice on a situation I have. I am not seeing this man but the flirtation has been going on for 7 months, maybe. Basically we travel to our workplaces together(although I don’t know him to speak to), we live in the same small place and our children attend the same school(we are both single parents). I would say we have been “aware” of each other for a long time and we have had some intense eye contact on several occasions and I know he stares at me at events and during transport(friends have also verified this) but(and I am quite a friendly person), when the opportunity is there to smile or say hello, he looks at the floor or blanks me. I’m so confused, I really am attracted to him and when our eyes meet I am so sure he is attracted to me too BUT why isn’t he willing to be friendly, I am shy around him too so I know MY behaviour is strange and shyer around him(a mutual acquaintance said there was a “vibe” between us)…….what can I do, do you think he is attracted or not…..eek!

    • Peter White

      Hi,

      Some guys live their entire life never approaching a woman and lots of them never will learn how. They’ll meet women accidentally.

      I just spent some time searching for your answer and unfortunately came up with same lame advice surrounded by Magazine style sites and so I decided to come at this problem from a very simple direction.

      I would treat your situation with little regard to the outcome, what it means, and where it could lead.

      When a guy approaches a woman or when a woman approaches a man the ONLY thing which makes the situation tough or fearful is ATTRACTION and REJECTION.

      Those things rarely make a difference when two people put very little emphasis on the outcome as in just two people on the same level who start talking.

      All you really need to do is… open some form of communication and have fun with where it could go… that’s all.

      When both people are wrapped in how the other person is feelings for some reason we lose our ability to just talk and we tend to try to make the other person like us.

      Trust me I’ve tried that for years and it got me nowhere.

      Approach any guy you’re attracted to with this in your mind,

      “I’m attracted to you! What else do you have going on?”

      You want some crazy pickup lines, read something I wrote a while ago…

      http://www.dialteg.org/dont-wait-for-him-approach-you-pick-up-lines-for-women/

      BUT I’d say just be friendly to him and whatever’s on your mind ( within reason of course :) ) use that to open up a conversation.

      Don’t take his reaction personal because it could have nothing to do with if he finds you attractive or not. ( In fact the more attraction he feels blurs his reaction to your approach. )

      I know it’s simple advice but let’s not make this stuff harder than it is.

      People start conversations all the time and if that’s the real problem… go ahead and work on talking to lots of new people you are not attracted to and then use that skill to your advantage.

  • PVK

    Hi, I have known this person through Friendster in the year 2003. He left to further his studies in overseas and ever since then we have been keeping in touch via emails and phone calls. He has professed his interest in me but at that time i had my career and other social interests and have not responded much to him. Last year in 2013, i had a bad break up and without me knowing, he had always been there, in a way, cheering me up n such. All of a sudden, i realized that he has been always there, keeping in touch and still has affections for me. I have thus confessed my feelings and we have both decided to take it one step ahead. It has been all going good. We talked about having a family, our friends and so forth. In August, all of a sudden, he calls me n said that his timing was not good and his finance was heading to ruins. He has asked me to forget him n move on. I was totally blank as of the sudden change. Do take note that we have never met before and we were about to do so by end of September. When i message he does call me after that and of late there were no calls whatsoever. I am at a standstill as i don’t really know what he is going through or has he met someone over there. Please do advice or perhaps a hint on this sudden behaviour. Thank you.

    • Peter White

      Hi – I think he said it all… In my words would be – Long distance relationships ( typically ) require money to travel and he doesn’t feel like he can afford it.

      Now I’m not sure how much you’ve seen each other ( through pictures or video chat ) but that will also come into play. When the moment of “meeting” gets closer some guys will pull away because they’re scared of face to face and they begin to question how they look, how you’ll look, how much physical attraction will be there for the both of you. They basically hold on for a while but again, the closer the moment comes the more scared they get.

      The MAY use the financial excuse OR they may not have ever had the financial means for something to happen anyways but enjoy the romantic close connection to the opposite sex from far away.

      This may make it seem like it’s “sudden behavior” but it’s been there all along.

      Hopefully, if he met someone close, he would’ve told you… but I just feel the long distance thing is the real root of the problems and the fact you two have never met before ( after ten years ) is where all the complications have come from and probably started long ago.

      This is not the greatest news but I do hope it helps you see things for what I believe they are… wishing you the best,

      Pete

  • Heather

    Howdy Peter,

    I have a male friend that I have known for about 12 years.

    In the beginning we were just getting to know each other. About 2 years ago he started tutoring me alone at his place for my physics class. That was when I really started to fall for him. Before he was just the cute guy friend.

    Over the last couple years we saw a movie alone, did other one on one activities and in my opinion flirting with each other.

    The one thing that has always thrown me off is the fact that I need to start the conversations most of the time with him. We have some things in common- movies and music taste, same opinion of morals and we are both loyal people.

    Over the last couple years he has stared at me longer than needed, showed off to get my attention, let his hands linger when passing me items, been protective of me when strange men(to him, I know whom they are) approach me to chat, stand shoulder to shoulder with me, hold an umbrella for me once, pays for everything and always stay back to help me carry stuff.

    He recently has taken an interest in the freaky sexual stuff I am interested in. He also confided in my recently to the point where he broke down.

    It seems like he likes me but I can’t tell.

    • Peter White

      Well howdy to you too Heather,

      Besides the fact that he’s not communicating his attraction vocally with you or initiating the conversation a lot…

      If he’s “acting” like he likes you, then he does.

      It’s what us guys tend to do. You do know that words get us in trouble sometimes, maybe a lot, at least when we open our mouth and ruin something nice. :)

      Subtle “actions” are clear signs:

      Acting a little protective and jealous.
      Showing off for attention.
      Touching a little longer than usual.
      Remaining close to you and not pulling away.
      Doing things for you which help you out.
      Finding any reason to get you alone.
      Bringing up sexual topics more frequently.

      When a guy is slowly introducing those things to the “friendly” relationship, he’s most likely telling you how he feels.

      Pete

  • Angie

    I was wondering if you could please get back to me with advice. And I apologize in advance if this is really long. Basically I met this guy through a mutual friend. At first we hit it off so great, he and I had almost everything in common. I even told him I feel like I’ve known you forever, and he even agreed! After hanging out I remembered that I met him a long time ago at a weekend religious school he and I attended when we were both 14. It turned out we have known each other a long time and did not realize it! We talked about favorite colors a lot which was one of the things we didn’t have in common and probably one of the only things! Lol we were so close. We held hands a lot, which is not something I normally do and neither does he. we went to the movies and he kept telling me “lay on me” and began to play with my ears and hair and whisper things in my ears as he held my hand. We basically got really close but nothing too sexual we never slept together or anything like that. He texted me all the time with happy faces and even when he would try and tease me through texting (I sometimes would not reply right away because I would be busy doing some things) he would reply “I’m just kidding” 5 min later if I took too long to reply. He asked me about children and what I would name them and how many I wanted if I ever got married one day, I told him I wanted a hair cut and he said “no not too short” like why would he care if he didn’t like me. He would always get embarrassed over little things like spraying cologne on his socks so I don’t smell them after he takes his shoes off because his shoes were hurting him and going to the bathroom to groom himself and wash his face, Basically every damn hint in the book showing he likes me!! I hung out with him last week and the whole damn time he acted so weird. He was dry and mean and dosed off a lot and we went to the movies again and he moved the cup holder so we can get closer like always. So I thought everything was fine like normal. As we went home we almost got into a car accident because he was day dreaming. On his way to drop me off home there is 2 ways to take me home. A short way and a long way. When he picks me up it’s usually from the right hand side which means he took the fast way, but always every time when he drops me off home he takes the long way! And that day even though he was acting strange I told myself, if there was something I did, he would take the short way to drop my ass off so I can get out if his hair faster. But instead he took the long way again. He doesn’t really talk to that many girls and everyone tells me I’m more attractive than him but I don’t care honestly he’s everything I’ve always wanted in a guy. I swear it’s like he’s met every damn requirement that I fantasized for as weird as that sounds. As I got home I texted him goodnight and he sent me a dry message that said “goodnight. Thanks for the gift, I really wish you didn’t. ” (since I gave him a birthday present that day) thought it was a little rude but I was still nice. The next day ON my birthday (we are both born around the same time) he ignored me. I see his snaps and he’s just hanging with his sisters at his house playing with his cats. I texted him and no answer, I ask why he’s ignoring me, NO answer, feeling hurt and down I couldn’t even enjoy my damn party my family through for me as a surprise. I felt very disappointed. He then texted me after my birthday and left me a long text saying things like “Hey _____I didn’t mean to make you feel ignored. I was just busy with family that day.
    I have been avoiding saying anything out of fear of upsetting you.
    I like people to like me. I like to give people happy memories and make them smile.
    And often times I avoid reality if it MIGHT involve any negative things/feelings.
    But I think it is more negative if I avoid the truth.
    I didn’t want to say anything from the first day because I felt it would be inappropriate and uncalled for as it was never mentioned or brought up..
    My intentions were to build a friendship with you.
    If we got along and were able to be friends, and with time I started to have feelings, I would have DEFINITELY told you.
    I thought I made this point clear to our mutual friend. Maybe I didn’t. Maybe I am confusing.
    If I hurt you or offended you in any way I apologize.
    I feel that things are moving way too quickly for me.
    Perhaps I should have been more clear from day one. Perhaps I should have avoided getting close.
    I am sincerely sorry for anything I did to maybe lead you on.
    Like I said earlier, I was acting out of fear for hurting you. I did not(and do not) want to be the cause for anyone being/getting upset. When I felt you growing fond and close to me I felt like I should reciprocate.
    However, as I am not comfortable with doing so I should not have reciprocated. I honestly did not know how to “smoothly” let you know how I felt. I was completely fearful of upsetting you.
    I understand if you are hurt and even confused by this.
    If you ever would like to talk about it I am always able to.
    I don’t want to hurt you by allowing you to grow fonder of me while I am still completely unsure of whether or not I have serious feelings(or as people may call it- “leading you on”).
    I hope that makes sense.
    And I am always here as a friend and someone to talk to as I am for everyone in my life. ” what I don’t understand is that he’s the one that held my hand, he’s the one that told me to lay on him, he’s the one that played with my ears and hair and even tried grabbing my ass a few times and boobs till I moved his hands. I’m confused. Don’t get me wrong I like the guy but I’m so lost. I called him on the phone and I said “I thought you liked me” because I did confess I like him a week before and he said “I “THINK” I like you too

    • Anonymous

      Hey Angie! I read your long comment (don’t worry, it wasn’t THAT long) and I can say that I basically went through almost the same exact thing you did. Now this might sound crazg, but I’m in High School (yes I know I don’t know alot etc) but I can still relate to what you had to go through! I don’t have the time right now but you can e-mail me anytime and we can talk.

  • Etta

    Hi. I met a man six weeks ago. We called each other, texted, everything was great! Then the change. Out of nowhere. One time I called and he was totally out of it, completely aggravated about something, saying people were calling him but he didn’t feel like answering. Yet “you can call anytime.” However one recent night I did to see how he was faring and he didn’t answer. He did however almost an hour ago saying that although he saw I called, since he was watching tv, he decided to not answer until the commercials. So that meant we couldn’t talk long. He said it was his way of relaxing. So I told him it was fine to “do you” and we hung up. The next morning, while at work, he called me trying to explain himself, telling me of the pressures he’s under such as having to get his mother up, making sure she takes her medication and so on. In addition, he said “I got a joke for you” and it really wasn’t funny, not off color just not funny but I laughed a little anyway because it wasn’t funny. Then he mumbled something about he’ll talk to me and that was that. That was two days ago. I don’t know what to make of this. A girlfriend said it’s not over, that he doesn’t want to lose you, that the joke was typical of a man trying to make a woman happy. I like him a lot. Oh, and by the way, he’s on probation and I’m thinking maybe his coldness has something to do with this as he was just released this past January, 2014. I don’t know if I’m making excuses. He doesn’t know I know about this. I’m waiting for him to tell me…if he ever does. How do I know? Simple research. Soo, what do you think?

  • Deb

    I was hoping you could help me with a guy I’m interested in. We met in a choir a couple of weeks ago and there seemed to be a lot of chemistry between us. He is generally quite shy and quiet. I caught him staring at me on several occasions, but he would look away when I looked back at him. He’s even approached me when I was alone and I’ve flirted with him in a fun playful way which he seemed to enjoy. I’m not sure if he realises that I am interested in him. More recently, he continues to stare at me occasionally but also ignores me a lot. I’m not quite sure what to do next, as I find him very attractive and think he might feel the same. I must point out that we are a very social choir so I am constantly surrounded by other people. He seems quite comfortable talking to other women in the group one on one but if he approaches me and I’m in a group he acknowledges everyone but me!!! It’s so frustrating and I even wonder if I did anything wrong. Am I coming across as too keen maybe? Help :(

  • Nanna

    Hey Peter

    I’m in a similar situation as in the article, and i just really need to get some advice on this.
    First of all I just started at a new school this summer, and met this group of three people, who i just really connected with. After two weeks I start to get feelings for one of the guys in this group, and we start to flirt a bit. 2 months after we are still flirting – though none of our friends really knows. Then 2 weeks ago, me and the guy, are at the same warm up party, and we flirt – more than usual – and he actually tells me that he likes me – but keep in mind that we had a few beers – I told him “i like you too” but maybe not in the right tone – and then he asks me “like for real?” – and then we get interrupted. But the night goes on, and we just dance a little and i can’t seem to catch him alone – so that i could tell him: “yes for real”. Anyways on the next monday, we still flirt a lot – maaaaaybe im not that flirty, because im really bad at showing my feelings in front of the whole class and our mutual close friends and such, but still flirty though. Then the next day – tuesday – its like im not even there. He doesn’t even hug me goodbye or anything as he usually does, and we barely even talk. This goes on for a week, and i get really confused. But as the week goes on – he seems to talk to me at bit more, and actually smiled at me today.
    Does it seem like he likes me and he is just testing me?, or is he tired of me – because i suck at showing my feelings? should I tell him that i like him? or is it too late?.. im so confused – i’ve tried to tell him so many times this week, but I just can’t seem to get it out. We have to spent the next three years with each other, because we are in the same class, so i just dont want to ruin it.

    Hope you can help – and sorry for the long explanation hehe

    • Peter White

      Hey Nanna,

      I think you have to imagine the time frame in which things started to happen between you two. Notice how long it took. Notice how slowly things progressed until that one fateful night.

      Because of the time frame it’s not unusual for a guy just to assume there’s no urgency or “special” thing going on. Even though you both might be feeling it.

      Which means until it starts up again, I wouldn’t really expect him to be all over you or even that responsive until the moment’s right.

      There is a chance he could be a little tired and starting to feel like he’s wasting his time BUT there’s an easy solution to that. Put yourself and him in better positions where something CAN happen. Most guys forget the past when the present ( or a present like you ) is staring them right in the face and actually step up at that point.

      And if they don’t it’s usually their issue and not yours.

      That also means you need be in a position where you don’t feel so threatened like in the middle of a classroom filled with people who you think might judge you.

      I don’t think you’ve ruined it… as I always say… attraction for guys just doesn’t go away. They can NOT think themselves out of it. They can reason out of entering a relationship, or talking to you, or furthering something else BUT they can NEVER talk themselves out of felling attracted once it happens.

      That’s good news. It means you probably didn’t ruin it.

      Don’t worry about showing your feeling. Don’t tell him you like him… SHOW HIM. Guys respond best to that. The harder you try, the harder it will get.

      Just again, put yourself in better positions with him, doesn’t matter how, and if he still doesn’t get it, then he probably doesn’t get you or what a woman experiences in times like this. ( Which is very common. )

      Hope that helps you. All the best to you,

      Pete

  • Annie

    I have been friends with this particular guy for 8 years. Finally told him I loved him, said the same thing to me. I know him better than most, he thinks I am beautiful, always flakes out though.
    Has been very terse with me, saw me for only an hour in the three weeks since I told him. Finally broke it off and said that I give up.

    Guys, if you love a woman and she loves you back don’t flake out on them. Don’t restrict your contact for weeks on end without any reason. If your nervous, tell her.

    My guy just lost out on a great and loving girl.

  • dip166

    I think I’m on the exact situation of this post. Yesterday we were exchanging awkward smiles and niceties, today he’s ignoring me on the hallway and pretending he didn’t see me… ouch.

    Therefore I’m doing something I’ve never done before, which is ignore him back. I think he noticed it because he’s no fool, but I guess that’s that, right? We will just ignore each other for eternity… I don’t want to go after him and give him the idea that I’m okay with him being rude. =/

  • Elizabeth

    Checked out this post and I’m hoping I can get some input, especially when I read your very last words.

    So I added this guy from work on Facebook and discovered we had a lot of similarities! A lot of Likes and dislikes. I posted a selfie that got his attention and after he commented on my pic and I saw that he was responding to me, I sent him a message. We talked for awhile, not a full blown conversation but like messages here and there for a couple of hours. I eventually got invited to his place for the next day.
    So on that day we were talking for a bit before I went over and he had friends over but had them leave so I’d be more comfortable. I get there and he comes out to greet me. We go inside and we kind of sit on opposite sides of his L shaped couch. We were kind of talking about where to go for dinner. He always looked me straight in the eye while I was the shy one and would maintain a short amount of eye contact before looking away for a few moments. We went to an Asian place for dinner and by the way we were looking at each other and talking, I was getting the feeling that we were really connecting.
    So after dinner we went back to his place and played a few video games. At that point, he was sitting very close to me, so close that there was probably no amount of space between us. We played with each other, like tickling and poking. We kind of cuddled a little bit. He’d lay on me or I on him. He had pulled me onto his lap and held me for awhile. Just keeping me close to him in general. And then there was a point where we were so relaxed that we started to hold hands and we didnt break the hold for the longest time, even to reach for our phones. Shortly after that, our conversation got to a point where I was asking him to rate how much he liked me and that’s when I told him I really liked him. We kind of teased each other, changing our scales (a 0-10 scale, 0 being a little and 10 being a lot) from 5 and 9, down to a 1. I had jokingly told him he was a 1 because he was telling me , for example, that 8 was better than 7 and 7 was better than 6… All the way down to a 1. And when he hit 1, he started to tickle me to kind of force me to put him back to a 9. He tried for a perfect 10, but I didn’t give him that. He accepted it and then he got really close to my face. I knew he was trying to kiss me but I was resisting. I asked him what he wanted from me but he didn’t give me an answer. He asked me what I wanted and I told him “I want you” a few times and he would reply “I’m right here”. And as expected, we started kissing for a good 5-10 minutes. The only places he touched me were on my sides, my leg, and my face, neck, and hair. He stopped when I told him I didn’t have much experience. And maybe 20 minutes after that, he wanted me to go home. So I went home and texted him. And the next day we texted a few times. And then after that, he’s been ignoring me on Facebook and by text. I havent heard from him at all despite seeing his activity on Facebook.
    I thought he liked me but I just don’t know anymore.

    • Peter White

      Hello Elizabeth,

      Things might have changed for you and this guy since you left this message but it does sound like to me he was looking for sex and when he either realized he wasn’t going to get it, or that is was not going to be that easy… he bailed out.

      Of course there’s always the possibility he found someone else and uses Facebook as his means to find someone else who I suppose puts out easier.

      What clued me in on it was when you said this, “I knew he was trying to kiss me but I was resisting. I asked him what he wanted from me …”

      When a guy makes a direct move on a woman and she pulls back and asks what he wants from her… if he can’t answer directly it could easily mean… sex. ( And then maybe more.)

      Instead of answering you he decides to turn it around on you to see if you’d say at least something close to sex but you didn’t, you said him.

      He then replies with, “I’m right here.” In other words come and get me them.

      Since you didn’t initiate anything more, and hinted you had little experience he, most likely gave up.

      He was “nice” enough and I use that term loosely to text you the next day, just in case, but after probably gave up and moved on to someone “easier” for him to get what he really wanted.

      Sorry for the bad news. Sometimes I do wish I’m entirely wrong.

      I’d be very hesitant and reserved whenever you meet a guy on Facebook and the only effort he can make is to invite you back to his place. AND definitely worry when you get there, he sends his friends away so you’d be comfortable.

      He’s sending his friends away to get something from you he can’t while his friends are there.

      Hope this helps you avoid this next time Elizabeth and all the best to you,

      Pete

  • Annoymous

    Sounds like the guy I liked.
    He did everything to show he liked me.From holding my hand, complimenting me and telling me I have a nice mother.(he tried to impress her) Comforted me when I was sad.He even told me one of our co workers said that I was the perfect girl for him and that he should take me out.Of course, stupid me with no dating experience didn’t really read into it much, thought maybe he was just being a nice guy.But then suddenly he stopped.He ignored me for a while.But then it started back again, I catch him looking at me as I go buy.But he doesn’t talk as much to me anymore.His ignoring me has actually pushed me a way, I no longer have any interest in being anything with him.I was talking to another co-worker yesterday, and this other guy kept looking at me as we were bagging.I could see it out of the corner of my eye.And I had feeling that maybe I was upsetting him because I can talk and laugh easier with this guy than him.But I might just be misreading him.

  • Rhea

    Hey Peter, I can’t help but think about what you said over and over but I just can’t seem to put the puzzle together. There’s this guy I am really into and he been into me too. The thing is…we were casual friends first since we got to know each other, no feelings from either end. But the more we talked, I personally started to have something but as I wasn’t sure about him, I never said anything. This summer however, he started msging me more than ever and asked me to hang out. In my head I was excited but at the same time I held myself back from getting too excited cuz I didn’t know what was going on. But he kept on asking and he even said that he will keep asking until I say yes. So I said yes, we went out one day and it was amazing. From his behavior that day I could tell he enjoyed being with me and was comfortable too, though he was nervous wreck at the beginning to the point that he was fidgeting at lot but later we hugged and cuddled. Once he dropped me off, within an hour he was talking about going on a second date, and me being exited I said sure. His sweet talk, sweet msgs in the mornings everyday went on for a week. After a week and a half however he slowed down, drastically. I mean it would even be hours for his response, stopped initiating the first msgs literally and when I did initiate, took him long to respond. I thought may be he’s just tired from work or something. And with me being me, eventually when it went on like this and what seemed to me that he was ignoring me, I asked him what’s going on, he would say he’s sick, he has this to do or that. I figured I should ask him out so he doesn’t feel he’s doing all the work but when I did, he would give me sick reasons or other chores that needed to be done reasons. I started to wonder if he was into me anymore even though he did say he was and he liked me before when we conversed. I just don’t know what happened. Now its been months and he’s still like this, obviously he’s not sick anymore or other problems that he had some months ago no longer persists, yet he doesn’t do anything. But, (we work together) when he sees me at work, he can’t help but come and say hello even if its a quick one, I caught him looking at me at times. I have been initiating the msgs for the past 3 to 4 months and not him, but every time I did, he was so quick to reply. I am now thinking that he responds to me so quickly, he comes up to me even for a quick hello or just to sneak up and let me know that he’s there, he stares at me from time to time, clearly loves it when we talk, why isn’t he ever initiating anymore? Why isn’t he asking me out again? Why is he being distant?? :( I like him a lot, no exaggeration.

    • Peter White

      The only truth I can tell you Rhea is that some guys, no matter how much they like you, have trouble or extreme difficulty in transitioning and will back out because of it.

      Whatever his exact reasons are, if you’re doing all the work and he’s doing nothing, perhaps he’s more interested in the chase than he is in being chased. Although I wouldn’t know why based on what you’ve told me.

      You have me quite stumped but I still go with my gut response and that’s… he just doesn’t know what to do next and is probably a little afraid, or isn’t exactly sure on how to go from friendship, to dating, to dating again, and then adding intimacy.

      It’s not uncommon for a guy to be afraid of success in this area if he’s not confident in his ability to transition.

      This fear causes lots of men to be limbo and take things s they come along, but rarely ever follow through with their plans.

      Sorry and I do wish you the best of luck,

      Pete

      • Rhea

        Thank you for your response, really. Since the beginning of this year however I have decided not to message him anymore, since he never initiates. It was a while since new years, and I had no plans to contact him but, my birthday was on the 11th of January, when he wished me because he found out from the daily reports at work. Since the 11th, nothing more, and I haven’t said anything either. Soon it will be a month, literally in the snap of a finger, and I get the feeling I wont be hearing from him UNLESS I initiate, to which he will respond with excitement (speaking from his previous behaviors). There are so many possibilities for his actions, I just wish he would tell me what it is, negative or positive, I dont care, I just want to know so I have something to get closure from and move on. The uncertainty, not knowing what caused his “mysterious” behavior, keeps me wondering just in general, not just about him.

        • Peter White

          Perhaps the closure you’re looking for is the understanding that this guy’s behavior is no longer a mystery….

          It’s predictable with very little real action or initiative towards you.

          That’s him.

          Stretch that out over a year or two or even five and ask yourself is that the type of man you want?

  • A Girl

    I swear, when you were describing how much you liked the girl, it gave me chills. I never thought you could actually feel that way for a person.

  • Lindsey

    I would really appreciate if you reply and help me out, and i apologize in advance for the length of this. So i met this guy in school, and i didnt really know him too much, however as time went on ,through volunteering and competitions i eventually got to know him more and more, and so i developed a crush for him. He didnt know until two years later, when i eventually told him through a whatsapp message, it went something like ‘i think im changing my mind about you’, and then he asked so i proceeded to tell him that i liked him, and he told me that he liked me back too. This guy though, he liked another girl, but yet showed interest in me, it was as if he was using me as some sort of backup plan. So i ended it right there when he told me he liked someone else. Months later, the school term began once again,and it was then that i noticed him continuosly turning around in class when i spoke to answer questions and smiling at me and so on, however we didnt really talk much, because i was still hurt. Months passed and well he got to know each other more, by this time i had given in, and we just began to develop a better relationship, we cleared things up and this time we were both trying, we would eat together and text on the phone and all that stuff- but i didnt really take anything too seriously, so i would still continue to talk to my other guy friends… It was then when i began noticing him ignoring me, and sometimes i would even see him shaking his head at me ,making me believe i had done something wrong… So, i must admit … I came off a bit very clingy, i wanted to know what was wrong but when i asked him he would just say ‘nothing’. Then a few weeks later he would talk to me, and then a few weeks after that he would ignore me… There was a day where i was standing beside my locker and i saw him talking to a friend of mine (girl), in the conversation my name apparently came up. He proceeded to tell her that i was ‘whipped on him’, this basically meant that i would do anything for him, that i was so blinded, that i would obey and go by anything he said. Well like i said, i probably came off as a very clingy person, and from then on … I decided to begin igoring him – i didnt want to proceed with a relationship that was not going to go anywhere.
    And this is where this takes me, the school year has just started, and ofcourse i am still ignoring him, i still like him, because feelings are not so easy to take away, but again, he is continuosly trying to talk to me.
    I sit infront of him in class… And well he kicks my chair and pushes it forward, i know this isnt a sign of liking, but i certainly do know this is his way to start conversation, when im at my locker, he stands near me and steps on my shoe, (its his way of starting conversation) … But i just ignore him. When im around guy friends he points out the fact that im with them to try say that i like them or something of the sort, [again another way of commencing coversation]. You see this guy annoys people, and from there he starts a conversation, but im not giving into it- not because i dont like him , but because i dont want to get hurt.
    My questions are ?
    If he doesnt like me, then why is he trying at every point he can to talk to me?
    And if he does like me, then why does he ignore me and make me feel like ive done something wrong ?

    • Peter White

      Hello Lindsey,

      You Wrote:

      “We would eat together and text on the phone and all that stuff- but i didnt really take anything too seriously, so i would still continue to talk to my other guy friends… It was then when i began noticing him ignoring me, and sometimes i would even see him shaking his head at me ,making me believe i had done something wrong…”

      Then this:

      “He proceeded to tell her that i was ‘whipped on him’, this basically meant that i would do anything for him”

      And finally:

      “When im around guy friends he points out the fact that im with them to try say that i like them”

      Aside from the fact that he’s acting immature…

      You’re his Exterior Ego. He’s using you to make himself look better in front of other people BUT…

      Inside he’s unsure of what he’s supposed to do. Unsure of himself. Unsure of what to do IF he decides to do anything more with you like actually enter an exclusive relationship.

      On top of that he wants several girlfriends because he’s using that as a marker to help find himself. Making committing to anything even more difficult.

      It appears he has very little confidence, something his jealousy proves, AND he believes he can gain it through women. One being you of course.

      It’s a common struggle for young men. If girls don’t like us, we feel ugly, out of place, not masculine, lower confidence… Which just happens to be the very same reasons why the girls don’t like us to begin with. ( Or narrows our choices. )

      He knows or assumes you like him AND he believes when you ignore him, it’s only showing him how much you really do because it’s directed at him. Since he has little respect for his confidence and probably doesn’t know why you like him, will continue to lower your status to increase his. At least he believes that’s the way it works.

      With regards to this status thing, most men compete more or harder for women who they feel are equal or higher in status than them.

      And sometimes the younger guys use your looks and ability to get men easier than guys can get girls, as a marker to your status.

      Also, ignoring you, at least in his eyes, engages your emotions more and he believes it’s what keeping you attracted to him… this keep the cycle of false confidence building going on and on and on…

      Sooner or later he might figure it all out, not you but how real confidence and social status are truly built from within.

      Hope that helps you out Lindsey,

      Pete

  • Liz

    Interesting perspective! This really helps us girls out. I’d love your advice on something: I met a guy at Starbucks in September and a month later he had to move to another state. We text each other everyday, I was his date to his company Christmas party, I met his parents already an he’s met mine, and he came up to see me for New Years. I just graduated college and have a career opportunity in the city he lives in. When I told him I had this opportunity he seemed less than ecstatic. Like he didn’t care if I moved or not. For the record, I’m not moving just for him. He’s getting distant and just nonchalant about many things. We aren’t in a “relationship” per se but everyone just assumes we are since we’ve been seeing each other so long. What do you think is going on here? Thanks!

    • Peter White

      Hello Liz,

      The thing which crossed my mind was he probably likes the freedom of this “not relationship” and if you come to town, that could disappear.

      Not that he’s not interested in more but it definitely ups the chances of it happening where the “reality” questions arise, “Am I ready?”, “Do I want it?”, “Is she the one?”

      All things which could cause a man to suddenly go quiet as he runs it all out in his head.

      It’s probably just becoming very real to him. I’m sure he cares, one way or another that you’re moving closer to him BUT now he might feel making bigger decisions on the relationship and where it’s going are becoming very real and just might threaten the freedom he’s feeling because of the distance.

      One of “mans” greatest fears is a loss of independence.

      Remember your not in a relationship right now but moving closer could feel like he’s about to enter one.

      I’d probably get all that in the open with him.

      Thanks for writing Liz and I do hope that helps you out,

      Pete

  • LuLu

    Hey Peter, this HELPED tremendously. Thank you sooooooo much. But I have one question……………Does this work with high school boys too?

    • Peter White

      Thank you Lulu,

      I’d have to say, most high school boys haven’t really developed their maturity enough to say it would work 100%. Some parts might. Depends on the maturity of the guys you’re talking about.

  • Lisa

    There was this guy who really seemed interested in me, he would text me every day,blow off his friends to spend time with me….he really liked me and i liked him allot but i did not want him to know that i liked him in that way….so when he would text me i would not reply right away, when he would call… half the time i would not answer,when he would want to hang out… allot of times i said i had to go or had other plans because i kind of enjoyed the chase and also because im insecure i just wanted him to think that i didn’t want him in that way i played head games with him. When i was with him though i really did seem interested so i guess i kind of confused him….anyway so now he is the one who is blowing me off…. he just does not want to be with me as much anymore he acts standoffish towards me…. now im the one who is chasing him, when he text me he does not say much even when he is the one who texts first…i asked him to go out and he said he needs to check if he will be busy, it’s just not like him but the other day he asked me if i was in the area he seemed to want to see me so my question is….does he still like me or is he just not that into me anymore…i just need advice please help?

    • Peter White

      Well Lisa,

      There’s attraction and there’s respect. A guy can feel attracted to a woman and not have much respect for her. A guy can also not like a woman but still feel attracted to her. He will often act like he’s not into you anymore.

      What I believe happened here is that he lost respect for you and is at the point where he can either “take you or leave you”, leaving him with a very indifferent attitude towards you.

      He probably got frustrated and tired of chasing you around. Whether he knew or not that you were playing games with him won’t matter. He’ll closely examine what he’s getting from it and if it feels like it’s game, he’ll lose respect for you.

      I’m also sure his friends realized they were being blown off for you and might have clued him on it all.

      My guess is that he is still attracted to you but has lowered your status and no longer has you up on a pedestal. It doesn’t mean he’s not into you anymore, it just means he might not take the risk again with you so easily, and might be continually standoffish and more demanding of your commitment this time around.

      That is not easily accomplished and honestly might not be worth it because there’s no guarantee it will work. It might have you doing things just to prove to him which is not often taken at face value.

      Thanks for sharing Lisa, I do appreciate it, hopefully everything works out for you in the end,

      Pete

  • Elaina

    Sounds like a lot of game playing. Grow up -this is what boys do in High school. sheesh. If you pretend to ignore we will leave you alone and think you changed your mind. what an idiot.

  • faith

    Hey,
    So there is this guy, who I known for a year. I used to talk to him a lot during class in Jr. Year. In our a senior yrs, we would talk a little. One day we were in class and had to be there for 4 hrs. He sat next to me, and were talking very well, he even had many chances to leave, He left when I left. Well anyways he said we should talk more like we used to, he said I didn’t talk to him anymore. A few days past and I see him again and try to talk to him but he just shrugs me off…so I was wondering why..?

    • Peter White

      Hey Faith,

      I don’t have much to go by here but my best guess is, when he said, “we should talk more like we used to…” that his “attempt” to get you to ask him out and when you didn’t, he felt rejected or dejected, or just assumed you weren’t interested.

      I wouldn’t worry about it too much. It’s not an attraction killer. All it proves is that he doesn’t know how to make it happen. He had all the time and opportunity to build something more, or ask you out, get your number, or anything to follow through with what he said, but he didn’t and so internalized the rejection.

      Sometimes guys just don’t get it. They think all they need to do is hint to a woman and she’ll magically take the hint and run with it when it normally NEVER happens that way.

      They just need to learn lots of women don’t respond to subtle gestures, they respond to men who take risks and action.

      Unfortunately it’s NOT your responsibility to “be the guy” and honestly if you become the one who is taking all the risk and action, YOU take on the masculine role and doing so you have to give up your feminine parts which could easily destroy your chances of meeting a guy who is willing and capable of taking risks and action in their interactions with women.

      Thanks for writing in Faith and all the best to you,

      Pete

    • Peter White

      Hey Faith,

      I suppose he’s just “acting” hurt. He probably believes you snubbed him at first which is why he said, “we should talk more like we used to, he said I didn’t talk to him anymore.” Perhaps now he’s just trying to give it back to you in a childish way.

      I’d say he felt like he opened up to you and now believes it’s your turn to prove to him you’re willing to talk. Who knows, maybe he felt you’d jump in his arms the next day ( which is absurd by the way but unfortunately the way a lot of younger guys think ) but when you waited a few days, he felt rejected again.

      Strange games to say the least but they do happen because some guys take everything women they like personal or as a personal judgement against them.

      Thanks for the question Faith and I do hope the answer helps you out a little,

      Pete

  • hope

    Hay Peter i found this article to be refreshing amd genuine unlike most that tell you to be heartless. The guys im seeing reminds me of your situation in the articleplease help my situation is confusing and frustrating?? I meet a guy after 1month and half after breaking up with my ex of fours i meet this guy who i would descibe as my typical guy i go for. Im a tease and a heartbreaker on the singles sceen but with him i didnt feel the need to play mind games. we began a casual physical relationship over the last 4months we give eachother space and only hear from eachother every 3rd day and see eachother 3 per fortnight (im not a clingy perso) HeS 23 and im 24 he hasnt had much success in the ladies. He has never been in along term relationship or in a casual onelike ours before. I have expressed to him i like him and you can also tell in my behaviour. We cuddle, kiss eachother hello and goodbye he said he liked me too and also would let me know if he wanted this to end. I also asked him a few days ago for exculsivity and he agreed with ease. A few days later he is ignoring me please please help im feel valnurable???????

    • Peter White

      Well Hope my personal opinion is that he could easily be having second or third thoughts because he’s never been in this situation. I don’t like to hear anyone tell someone else this, “also would let me know if he wanted this to end” because it’s kind of telling me you’re both scared of what’s happening. It’s reasonable though, relationship are risky and you’re going to feel vulnerable in the beginning.

      Keep in mind that just because you’ve both agreed to an exclusive relationship that the “getting together more” needs to happen naturally and should not be forced. Which means it may take some time for the “everyday” thing to happen.

      Keep living the life you were enjoying before the decision and be patient. He’s going to eventually let you know one way or another whether or not he was ready and don’t be surprised if he finds out he wasn’t. Remember this is new to him.

      “Hope” the helps you hope,

      Pete

  • Emily

    Hey Peter,

    So sorry if this is long, but I really need your advice. So there is this amazing guy that I’ve known since freshman year of college. We didn’t really become good friends until junior year, and we would always have so much fun together, talking and laughing – there has always been this weird chemistry/attraction between us. I knew he was always attracted to me, and I was to him. The thing is, he is the type of guy that doesn’t really express his feelings out loud.

    Suddenly by the middle of senior year I could feel myself slowly developing feelings for him until I just flat out knew I was in love with him. I had an inkling he did have feelings for me as well. He would tell me things like you’re the coolest girl, you’re awesome, etc. And I caught him looking at me from across the room several times.. the way he looked at me made me think he really cared too. We would always end up accidentally sitting across the table from one another when our group of friends would go out. But nothing ever happened, and then we suddenly weren’t close anymore. Then there was a whole lot of sexual tension, like we were both really tense when we’re around each other. We didn’t talk as much either. We suddenly were both closed off to one another. He also seemed like he was unhappy about something at the time or going through a dark time, so I tried to leave it alone. I would occasionally see him out, and we would have that warm eye contact once again – confusing.

    A few months after I graduated school and moved home for a while, I messaged him letting him know that I really cared about him, but I didn’t tell him I loved him. He messaged me back saying thank you, and that I was awesome, etc. He asked me what I was doing, then I told him where I was working. Then no reply.

    A year later on 4th of July I went down to visit my friends and ended up seeing him that night. We ended up talking. He said he was about to move back home for a while because he got a job up there. Then I remember him saying that I should move up there, I’m not sure I remember what I said back, because I was so nervous. And I’m not even sure he meant it. This random guy we didn’t know came up to us and said we looked really good together, and he kept telling us to talk – because once again there was this silence between us. A few minutes later we did end up kissing – it was a very nice kiss too. The next night when I saw him, he seemed to be totally ignoring me it was really weird. So that night I did unfortunately become a tad bit clingy, trying to stay where he was, and going back to where he was sleeping just to cuddle with him before I left the next day. He was being so unresponsive and aloof around me though, not saying much of anything at all. We layed around and watched tv shows the next day until he left in the afternoon. He was supposed to move back home that day, and when he left he barely said goodbye. I was kind of crushed.

    Just this past weekend, a group of our friends went on a ski trip. We didn’t talk to much but made a ton of eye contact and laughed a few times. He brought a friend with him (a girl) that lived in his same town and they stayed in the same room. He said she wan’t his girlfriend, but I was bummed. But when she went out to ski, he decided to stay in. It was only me and one of our other friends staying in. And then I heard the maroon 5 song sugar come on the computer, so maybe he was trying to tell me something. Or maybe I’m just crazy..but i decided to just go take a nap because I didn’t know how to act.

    Its just so weird, I feel this chemistry between us but at the same time there is a wall up. We have the same group of friends so I will probably continue to see him around. He literally talks so much more to my other friends then me. It is so weird. Like he doesn’t seem comfortable around me, but when we do make eye contact it’s nice. What do you think is going on?? I’m so confused.

    • Peter White

      Hello Emily,

      The truth is not many men, I suppose if any, actually “feel” comfortable around a women they are attracted to. It’s actually a sign of attraction and the very same thing you explained which was happening to you.

      The bigger picture I’m seeing here is… You’ve inadvertently become what I would call an “instant relationship” to him. And quite honestly that scares the shit out of a lot of men and hence you’ll find some walls will be put up because of it.

      An “instant relationship” to a guy means… The experience to us feels like if we give in a little ( sometimes more ) to a very specific situation with you, it will become an unspoken exclusive relationship or a lot of explaining and talking about what it all means.

      Mostly it’s the first part.

      You see, in order to avoid that from happening some guys will go straight for the sex. Possibly believing, “If she sleeps with me quickly” then it becomes an instant sexual relationship which some guys are okay with because it doesn’t suggest anything long-term.

      For you, in order to avoid a guy putting up a wall because it feels like an instant relationship, things must become clearer the other way… Dating.

      Something tangible which gives the guy a clear signal that there’s going to be a “getting to know each other” or “getting used to each other” or “exploring the fun parts which happens before a relationship” phase which will allow him the time to fully decide his feelings AND the option to back out.

      While at the same time allowing him the freedom every guy wants and at least leaving the choice up to him.

      All the signals he has seen from you represent caring and love because as you stated, “I just flat out knew I was in love with him.”

      Where guys do “love to be loved” they will always seek attraction first, flirting, getting to know each other, and that means no matter how you’re feeling or how deep it feels, he must be allowed to experience the stuff that is “supposed” to happen.

      Which means courting you while developing the stronger feelings of bonding, attachment, and connection as time passes.

      He must be allowed to “Show you” his “masculinity.” He must be allowed to “be the guy” who is capable of doing that. Sure it’s great that you feel it, and we do like it, so rarely will we ever flat out refuse it…

      BUT, in your situation, from my point of view or if this had happened to me… The bigger picture is “Instant relationship.” Like we skipped the part where I can do what I’m supposed to be good at doing.

      Thanks for writing in Emily and I do hope this has cleared it all up for you.

      Keep in mind I don’t see any “deal breakers” here. In fact I see an opportunity for you to step back, make sure the dating and courting thing happens first, let him find out if he can and will and does love you back.

      Us guys, well we don’t like the “fuzzy” stuff. We want clarity and if we don’t get it right away, we’ll assume it one way or another.

      All the best to you,

      Pete

  • Bar7_ranch_montana

    Hi this guy I like, who seems to like me back. His brother has said he is positive he likes me but when he askes him if he does he gets all shy and laughs. Anyways this guy will chat away with me and it’s like we are best friends and be all friendly as long as it is me and him and out 3 closest friends but in a public place he seems to ignor me and if I talk to him he will give me one word answers and not really say anything and seem uncomfortable. He told his brothers wife (who is my best friend) that of all the girls he knows I’m the only one who he can stand to hang out with and he talks about me to her sometimes just saying things like what I said the other day that was funny and such. When we are in a larger group of people he will chat away with the other single girls but then ignore me and then when those girls leave and it’s just me him and our 3 closest friends we are best friends again. It just don’t make sense what could this mean? Do I continue to wait to see what happens? What should I do?

    • Peter White

      First, let me give you a little trick to help you out in those public places… Make eye contact with him and acknowledge your bond. If he responds somewhat positively then he’s not ignoring you, he’s just either being socially awkward, perhaps trying to not be so clingy by allowing you the freedom to talk with other people, OR he’s just being an ass hoping you’ll show “the world” how much you like him publicly which might be the signal he’s waiting or looking for.

      Other that all that you two have a little problem which seems to be keeping you apart, or not defining your relationship more clearly as either “just friends” or “a real gut level attraction”.

      He’s talking to others about you. You’re asking others or they’re telling you about him.

      Do you see what’s missing there? You’re both letting others do YOUR jobs as probably a way to avoid taking a real risk and making something, anything happen. Which could mean getting more than just friendly, doing things together where something more intimate ( kissing, hand holding, hugging, etc… ) can naturally happen.

      You two need some alone time where you’ll both be forced to deal with the tension and see where it takes you. I understand it’s a huge risk because of your social group but once it’s all out in the open, and the awkwardness blows over, I think you’ll both find in the greater scheme of things… it’s not really a big deal if you two find out you’re only just “good friends.”

      He needs to communicate with YOU. You need to communicate with HIM. Never let others decide or tell you how someone else may be feeling about you and yes, that includes ME. :D

      All the best to you,

      Pete

  • mateya

    Hey Peter,
    I’ve been tossing and turning alot lately only because this guy I met a few months ago whom I didn’t take seriously I told him I was in a relationship which I was at the time then a few weeks later I became single and the guy I like now and I had casual talk through text and phone calls only because my ex and I were together awhile on and off nobody could ever get me over him till I met this man Tyrone. He was so sweet told me he was going to get me over my ex and called himself my future hubby and everything I won’t lie I truly fell for him he was just so sweet and genuine. He finally talked me into going to chill with him a few weeks later and so I did and through text I didn’t find him really attractive but in person he was gorgeous and his personality was everything his roomate who has also been his friend for over 20 years (tyrone is 27) said he hasn’t seen him that happy in forever and he’d just stare at me and blow me kisses from across the room we ended up staying over because they all were drunk so we listened to music danced and talked then he wanted to talk privately so we layed in his bed cuddled and made out till we fell asleep I enjoyed every minute of it he respects my virginity and we didn’t do anything plus he told me sex isn’t big for him it doesn’t matter to him basically but anyway we continued texting throughout the days/ weeks after and he talked me into coming back over with my friend which is his roomates cousin she was also there the first time. Anyways we flirted a bit, but since he made me mad before that day a few times I played hard to get and after trying for awhile he went into his room 15 minutes or so later I went to get him and he was on the phone with another woman it was close to midnight. I got mad even though I really couldn’t because we aren’t in a relationship but it hurt me alot and then after that I just left we didn’t talk for awhile I deleted hip number and apparently he deleted mine also because when I got ahold of his number I txtd him and we talked a bit and he said he didn’t know who it was I reminded him and we talked he said he can tell I like him and he said its cool and he doesn’t want to rush things which I understand because he went through in his last relationship where he moved his woman in with him gave her money everyweek and she didn’t Have to do anything and She ended up using and cheating on him so I don’t get why he Said he was my future hubby and he was gonna take me out and everything if it was just going to end up like this and he stopped talking to me january 27th and idk why the last thing he said was what you want I can’t give you I asked him what did I want he said all that mushy stuff and I asked him like what and he said you know I told him all I want is him and to see him smile and he didn’t respond at all and I text him I few more times sporadically including yesterday and he hasn’t responded which now I feel he’s gone for good I tried to be generous about the situation since he is a purple heart Veteran got shot in iraq and 3 of his friends got killed trying to save him and now he is back here after rehabilitation and learning to walk again he works full time and does school works out and feeds the homeless on the weekends…idk how to feel but I like him and I just want him to realize that. We act just alike we have a lot of similarities I came to the conclusion I’m not going to hit him up first again but Should I just come to the conclusion that he’s not coming back or I shouldn’t be bothered by him not responding or anything? Help !

    • Peter White

      Hey Mateya,

      He was “play” flirting with you when he talked about becoming your future hubby. Don’t read too much into that. It’s something us guys do which tends to create attraction because it portrays or displays, confidence, wit, intelligence, sexuality, and humor. When used right and done with charm and aloof is quite the potent package and we find, lots of women find it irresistible.

      So it’s a good sign but don’t read too much into it.

      This may be my personal opinion but I have yet to meet many men who were confident in bed AND truly felt they understood women ( in general ) AND truly believed giving things to women is NOT the answer or secret to getting/keeping a great woman around who ever actually meant, “Sex isn’t a big deal to them.” Sex IS a big deal and it may be part of the reason why he continued to say after that he could not give you what he thinks you want.

      A pivotal moment happened between you two when he realized that when you felt he was wrong, you, “played hard to get”. Moments later you found him on the phone with another woman, later deleted his number, this and perhaps more probably proved to him there was never going to be anything casual about this relationship.

      He most likely felt, it was ALL or NOTHING with you and unfortunately even the all meant no sex.

      About his past relationship which says a lot about him, he might have believed in order to keep a woman he had to give her things up to including money and realizing THAT wasn’t even enough hurt his confidence in finding a woman who would prove it otherwise AND who wouldn’t resort to using his “bad points” against him by taking away something he obviously treasure and needs… acknowledgement, love, attention, and more.

      Again, what we have here is a guy who tries to give anything and everything he has to everyone and anything to whom he feels needs it but is slowly realizing it’s NOT the answer to his happiness but the alternative, giving nothing and being an ass, is also not the answer.

      I do hope you’re getting what I’m trying to say because it’s a very difficult point to get across. I do hope through my random words you’ll at least understand him a little better and why he acts the way he does and even why it hasn’t worked out the way you hoped it would.

      Trust me, he knows you like him but as you must understand, that’s not all there is and for a relationship to begin, or move along, sometimes we need to find ourselves, where we fit it, how it all works, our own happiness, come to grips with why things happened, why we survived and other have not, and all the struggles which goes along with the act of giving so much and getting so little in return…

      Keep in mind the internal struggles of everyone walking the planet and their internal perspective and how they deal with the situations they find themselves in… dealing with all that one way or another is actually how or why relationships fail or continue to grow,

      All the best to you Mateya. Give him the time he needs to grow. Let it happen. If he contacts you, keep all this in mind, don’t feel sorry for him, don’t get caught up in reading into it all so deeply, just don’t respond expecting something back or looking so far in the future and you just never know when you’ll finally meet the guy HE wants to be,

      Pete

  • Anna

    Hey Peter,

    I kind need your advise on this. Basically i know this guy a months ago from network. At first everything seem so great and we become friend and exchange number. Most of the time it was me who initiate texting him. Our conversation involve flirting, sexual, deep talk conversation.

    One day, we having a conversation about our past relationship, he told me once he gt cheat by his ex and he in mental breakdown and involve with wrong crowds for almost a years but he start getting better. He don’t want people to know his past because he scare ppl might judge him.

    Out of blue he confess his love on text and asking me be his gf after a week we knowing each other and i kind rejected him because everything was moving too fast and he seem kind sad over the text. From his behavior that day I could tell he bit distant .

    Well after few day i decided to text him again and he was asking could we have a video call and thing got kind pretty hot leading to phone sex while we start messing and flirting through whole conversation he keep saying he wish he have a gf like me or why wont u be my gf or why i seem hard to understand because i dint give him an answer. And since that he kind ignore me and i haven hearing from him.

    I try seek him out couple of time and being ignore and i know he read my text but he dint text back and it start make me realize i actually fall for him. Honestly i don’t know if he just fooling around or play me on purpose. I was totally confusing. Does he seem likes me or he got tired of me. Should i tell him how i feel about him. Am i too late for that? Is he move on?

    I really need some help and advise on this. Thanks

    • Peter White

      Hey Anna,

      Truthfully speaking from my gut… if you haven’t met him in person yet and/or there’s been no talk about that happening and/or your interactions with him always seem to lead to sexual things and possibly more, then I would not tell him how you feel and I would lose the contact completely.

      The pattern that I see happening is: He tells you he has problems. Possibly can’t find love. People are always only seeing the bad in him or him judging him. Then he acts all needy, falls in love with you quickly asking you to be his girlfriend, AND you haven’t met yet or even mentioned any of that… he seems sad, you reject him and he appears to move on.

      You text him back, maybe because you felt “guilty” and suddenly he asks for a video all which not surprisingly leads to phone sex and his constant mentioning that he wants something more from you than just a quick “phone” lay and how he can’t understand why you don’t love him or want to be his girlfriend.

      And then, out of the blue, you hear nothing from him. He reads your text but continues to ignore you.

      Aside from any assumption on my part on whether or not you were used or if it’s a plan he’s found which works for him… You must admit this is NOT a healthy productive start of something wonderful.

      Maybe not the answer you were looking for but I’m not going to “clean” it all up, I felt just telling you exactly how I see it will help you decide what’s best for you in hopes no matter what happens between the two of you, you’ll take away something more than just the answer of whether or not THIS guy likes you or not, got tired of you, or if it’s too late to start something…

      Wishing you all the best Anna,

      Pete

  • farah

    i had a crush on a guy and let him know about it then i left the country. he probably thought i’d never comeback son one day while playing truth or dare he was asked if he had a crush on me and said yes. when i came back to the country my friends told me about that. now he just ignores me and wouldn’t talk to me in personal only through social media and we barely even talk.now he tries to ignore me but draws my attention to him and seeing my reaction when he is with other girls but i ignore him back. we have never spoken in personal for at least one month, since i came. what should i do, helppp

    • Peter White

      Hi Farah,

      Guys don’t like it when others tell the woman they’re attracted to something THEY are feeling. It’s generally considered private information. It changes the whole dynamics of the situation.

      Now he doesn’t know how to act. What exactly to say. Maybe feels like, if you did nothing about it, that you are not feeling it too and so feels rejected. Now he might even believe a talk in person would mean discussing his crush and facing the consequences of what happened. Something he’s obviously avoid face to face.

      I believe if you “gently” flirt with him online, give him little hints that you ARE attracted to him, avoid bringing up his crush on you, let him be “the guy” you might erase some of the negativity he’s feeling over the whole situation.

      Remember, guys are NOT taught that revealing an attraction for a girl too early ( or before anything happens ) normally leads to rejection… It’s something they learn from experience because they do it, or reveal what they’re feelings to women who are not attracted to them in the first place. So the connection is made making it stronger inside their heads.

      Slowly work your way up to face to face time and avoid anything which might make it appear you’re rejecting him because he’ll pull back further thinking he screwed it all that fateful “truth or dare” night. If he still can’t get over it and deal with it all socially, then somehow, someway, he has to learn how to do that for himself. Hopefully sooner or later.

      Good luck with it all Farah, hope it works out for you and him,

      Pete

  • Auriana

    Hey Peter,
    So I’ve had a crush on this guy for four years and we were pretty good friends. Well he was gone for about two years and when he came back he started acting like he liked me back. We had a lot it common and he would hold my hand and tell me how beautiful I was and how he also had a crush on me when we first met.
    One day my friend tells me she saw him kissing with another woman and so I asked him about it and he said no. I knew he was lying so when I asked him a second time he confessed and said yes it’s true. I told him I wasn’t mad and just said don’t lie to me again. He agreed and everything was fine for about a week and then he started ignoring me.
    He wouldn’t respond to my texts and he wouldn’t look at me when we pass by each other and we would literally be standing shoulder to shoulder in a group and he wouldn’t acknowledge my presence. I’m not sure if I’ve done something to put him off but I don’t have the courage to ask and get shot down.
    Do you have an answer.

  • Jade

    This article is exactly what I was thinking for! So first off, thanks for posting this.

    Right now I’m dealing with exactly this and I need a guy’s perspective. There’s a guy I work with who acts CRAZY about me one day (i.e. he will chat me up and be flirty and compliment me) and then the VERY next day he deliberately ignores me and brushes me off when I try to have a conversation, as if he’s never met me! I have been really confused and angry about it. He’s done this to me several times now. What’s confusing about it is that he sent me ALL the signals of being interested: He’s given me lots of compliments. He always notices when I do something different with my hair and I catch him staring at me all the time. Occasionally he’ll tease me but it’s always in a friendly, nice way. Sometimes he will be cool and confident but then other times he seems so awkward and nervous around me, it’s like he’s mentally challenged or something.

    I’m really confused because at first I thought he was just playing games with me, which really ticked me off (because it really hurt me to be honest), but then I thought maybe he’s just confused or doesn’t know how to express himself.

    I’m just wondering what I should do because I’m not going to put up with mind games, but if he’s acting weird because he really likes me but he’s afraid, I don’t want to crush him by telling him off. What do you think his deal is and how should I respond to him the next time he tries to talk to me? Am I just being played big time?

  • ALGCar

    Hi Pete,
    I thought it would be ok for me to share my experience and insight to see if you have anything more to add to it, even though I could relate to what you say in the article above :)
    So, here it goes! I am very into this friend: a shy yet very nice young man. We have known each other in the last ten years, more or less, I’ve always thought he was attractive and kind, and even though I was in a relationship (I’ve never cheated on my ex!!) I’ve always had some kind of attraction for him and will to know him better, to be close to him – whenever I heard he had a new girlfriend (and he had several) I couldn’t help it but to be a little sad.
    I ended my 7 year relationship one and a half years ago: my ex was manipulative and I ended the relationship as an act of despair: I couldn’t take it anymore, especially the pressure of maintaining the relationship just because it lasted for 7 years, and everyone was expecting marriage. He helped me out: he was one of the few people who didn’t believe my ex’s stories about me, and he has stayed by my side since then. The thought of being in love with my friend came to me several times but at the same time I was scared by it: I think so highly of him I just don’t want to be without his friendship. The level of respect and empathy is too high it just overwhelms me…
    I was surprised when last summer he started making some moves that suggested he was flirting with me. First I was reluctant… I received the advances with kindness, but I didn’t make them openly. Then he invited me to some of his projects, and the weekly dinner has become inevitable. We have been like this for months: sometimes the eye exchange is very deep, but not in a flirtatious way; it’s as if we understand every inch of ourselves. I have thought a lot about this countless times and when I finally felt I was prepared for assuming my feelings, I began to be a little more obvious to him.
    Then he started to ignore me!
    The weird stuff: first of all, not when we were alone – he is wonderful when we are alone, but when we are in a group of friends he almost doesn’t speak to me. Secondly, not in person: when I send a text, if it’s a chatty one, he doesn’t reply; once I sent him a texts continuing our conversation from that evening (about relationships, BTW)… he also didn’t reply. When I send a Facebook message, he also doesn’t reply. Besides the texts, on new year’s eve, spent with our friends, I put a little bit of an effort to be overwhelmingly beautiful – and if you let me say so myself, I WAS :P When I thought he would treat me warmly and would understand I dressed like that for him, surprise: he didn’t speak with me the whole night. I saw him looking at me sometimes, but when we were close to each other he just run away. I almost felt him shiver when I gave him a tight happy New Year hug. I said to his sister “I think he is afraid of me”. She noticed this chemistry between us some months ago and asked if I liked him. On that evening she told me he was very shy when I arrived their home and when she started rushing him to get out from the bathroom, he replied shyly “Don’t make me go out from here without being ready… *She*’s here!!”
    So, it’s been like this for quite some time now, and when I read your post about this issue, I thought maybe what he is waiting for is for me to ask him out, or to casually ask him to come with me to drink something together. Suddenly all of this started to make some sense: he had some heart troubles with pretty women before, and all his relationships ended shortly. I have been in an abusive relationship for 7 years that didn’t end very well and I’ve been alone for almost two years, trying to read male behaviour – and not being successful at it. I tend to feel attracted to lonely men who don’t want a relationship.
    Maybe he really likes me, he is giving me some time and space for me to settle things with myself and at the same time is trying to figure out if I am really into him and if I am willing to make an effort to get close to him, get to know him and try to win him over.
    Thanks for this Pete, thank you for reading my comment and, if you think I understood everything the wrong way thank you for warning me! :)

  • Suganthi

    Hi Peter,

    There is a guy back in my office that i like. He told me that he like me too. We started messaging but he always gives reason not to go out wit me. One point, i get fade up and ask him what is d problem. He told me that he is not ready yet and still thinking whether he is suitable for me. In fact, he thinks that we might not work out. I told him that he wont know until he is in relationship with me. But then, he told one day he will tell me the reason of why we won’t work out. I told him I’ll wait for that day. He start ignore me ever since.
    P.S. He even told me we would couple up.

  • Mk

    Hi Pete,

    There’s this guy at the gym who I don’t really know. First time we met was when he said “HEY” and it caught my by surprised because I thought I did something wrong. But then he said nice hair. I had my hair “nice” that day because I had grad photos. Anyways so from then on, when he is working at the gym he would sometimes greet me goodbye. And I saw him watching me because there are mirrors at the area I was working out at. But last time I accidentally ignored his goodbye. Usually I smile but I get shy when I see him so I was focused on just leaving but he greeted me again and I murmured thanks but I don’t think he heard it. So today when he was working again I saw him looking at me. But when I was leaving the gym he blatantly ignored me. He didn’t look up from his computer screen. So I’m just asking is he interested in me or am I just overthinking it.

    • Hi Mk,

      You work out, he works out, he made an effort to start a conversation, why wouldn’t he be interested in you? :)

      He probably felt a little snubbed and confused as to your reaction but trust me, that HIS problem. If any man bases his whole interaction on something as so trivial as that, then I’d say he just doesn’t get it. ( The fact of the nervousness lots of women feel in the circumstances.)

      Most likely he ignored you because of your last reaction to him OR quite honestly didn’t see you at all. Although I highly doubt he was so immersed in his computer that he failed to notice you leave.

      Honestly I don’t think you’re over thinking it at all… at least not yet. :D

      He’s probably the one who is “thinking” too much and not “acting” enough… which is normally a sign of feeling attracted.

      Throw away the word “interested” it has very little meaning in a guys world. At least in the beginning. Attraction is by far the most important thing AND attraction is almost always impossible to hide.

      You’ve seen the signs. You felt it was there. Then chances are it IS there. Just always remember feeling attracted is easy for us “dudes”, it’s the “action” part which is the harder part.

      Hope that helps you Mk, all the best to you,

      Pete

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