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Why Do Guys…?

Why Do Some Men Like You One Time, Then Pretend They Barely Know You?

in Does He Like You
What does it mean when a guy is playing hard to get or is ignoring you right after you meet.

Why is it when a guy is into you, shows every sign he likes you, but the next time he sees you it’s like you don’t even exist?

He acts a little distant. Barely listens to a word you say.

You want to ask him what’s wrong but it’s not like you’re dating or anything. You’re not in a relationship. You’re still getting to know each other…

But for some reason he’s making you feel you did something wrong and this passive aggressive attitude he’s displaying is making you wonder why you’re even bothering with him at all.

I was totally into this “chic” once. She was the type who lots of guys chase. You could take one look at her and instantly assume she could have any guy she wanted.

If you don’t know about how much attraction controls men I can tell you it’s not too easy to shrug off. It makes you do things you wouldn’t normally do. It makes you almost want to give everything you got – in the hopes the attraction would be returned.

The way I see it – as a man who’s studied this stuff – us guys actually “suffer” from attraction because if we follow it and listen to it, it only seems to do just the opposite to the woman we’re madly falling for. It’s like when we go blindly into in it causes us to push any highly sought out woman away.

Well let me tell you this girl had me hooked. Literally every curve on her body mesmerized me. Her face was flawless and her eyes, the way they lit up when she saw me… got me scared.

I was terrified I was going to screw it up.

So here’s this guy – not the greatest “ladies man” in the world at the time, hasn’t had much success with very attractive women, and feeling it like there’s no tomorrow.

Feeling the peak of attraction I gave it all despite all my fears.

Tried to make her laugh. Tried to find a connection with her. Tried to be “all that a man could be” because I was “suffering” from a lowered self-esteem just being around her.

Just so you know, it felt like it worked. She was returning the flirts and playing right back with me. The chemistry was increasing and so was the sexual tension. Despite the fact as our interaction continued so did my self-confidence because she was just that cool to be around.

Now you would think I would’ve been smart enough to run with it. To “do my thing” and keep it up. You would think, because it only makes sense, I’d be all her into her when we met again.

But it wasn’t like that at all.

There was more people around. More guys there to flirt with her. Suddenly every available “stud” was taking over where I had left off and I just knew it was a losing battle.

Here I am, now watching other guys be all into her and I got a glimpse into the future.

We’d talk a little. Get to know each other better. A few weeks or maybe a month would pass and we would grow closer.

And I’ve been through that before. What happened was more predictable than the sunrise.

While I was “doing all the work” she was dating some other guy and kissing him on the first date. since I was “being nice” and spent way too much time waiting for the moment to happen, and didn’t know how to make it happen naturally…

I was waiting for HER to make a move on me.

To men – that’s the ultimate sign a girl is into them. As in when she makes a move on him.

Remember that because “making a move” to some men is a lot more than just going for a kiss.

You see this seemingly innocent “passive aggressive” method is just another way to get YOU to prove how much you like us.

If we ignore you and you seek us out – our confidence goes up and we believe you’re feeling it just as much as we are.

If we keep away and act aloof or distant it’s a test.

We definitely want to feel in control of our attraction and if we can stay away long enough, it gives us time to think about how to handle it and stop our attraction from pushing you away. After all every guy understands (even though he act differently) every woman he chases just seems to run away quicker.

We’re testing our restraint but more than that we’re testing YOU because some guys, like I was, need to feel like you’re into us just as much as the guy you kissed so much quicker than us.

When we predict our future with you and we only see what some other woman did to us, our anger turns passive and we want to make sure THIS TIME it’s going to be different.

This time I won’t chase her because she’s too hot. This time I won’t be the guy who kisses her ass “hoping” she’ll like us back.

This time I will do anything and everything I know to make sure I make her prove how much she likes me. Even if it means ignoring you and acting like I couldn’t care less about her.

Thus satisfying the fragile “Ego” and it’s thirst for validation.

Okay, so you met a guy who seemed into you and you even “liked” him back. And the next time you’re together it feel like you don’t exist anymore.

Don’t let him fool you – he just wants to know you’re going to meet him half way. Or maybe the whole way. He is probably worried too much spent watching for your signals or he just doesn’t understand how all this attraction thing really works.

Is he playing you on purpose?

Some are. I won’t lie.

Did you do something to push him away?

Well obviously there’s a chance that DID happen.

Is there a chance he doesn’t even notice it’s happening?

Of course. Some guys just don’t pay attention to this kind of stuff as much as others.

Yet, generally speaking, you can consider it giving you space. He’s trying to show you he’s not needy. He doesn’t want to screw it up. He wants you to prove to him you’re not going to treat him like a “dear friend” three weeks down the road.

Men are not always obvious when their attraction for you is driving them crazy.

If a guy likes you one minute and is ignoring you the next – all things considered it just he means he “really really really” likes you! ;)

Peter White - Why Do Guy...?

Peter White. Thanks for stopping by and listening to a male’s point view. You can stay in touch by – *receiving my newsletter, *friending my Facebook page here. – Here is where a teach men about you *DiaLteG – and this where I get to talk about meeting and approaching the opposite sex – *The Approach.

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202 comments… add one

  • Sireglamore

    Hi, I just wondered if you could offer me any advice on a situation I have. I am not seeing this man but the flirtation has been going on for 7 months, maybe. Basically we travel to our workplaces together(although I don’t know him to speak to), we live in the same small place and our children attend the same school(we are both single parents). I would say we have been “aware” of each other for a long time and we have had some intense eye contact on several occasions and I know he stares at me at events and during transport(friends have also verified this) but(and I am quite a friendly person), when the opportunity is there to smile or say hello, he looks at the floor or blanks me. I’m so confused, I really am attracted to him and when our eyes meet I am so sure he is attracted to me too BUT why isn’t he willing to be friendly, I am shy around him too so I know MY behaviour is strange and shyer around him(a mutual acquaintance said there was a “vibe” between us)…….what can I do, do you think he is attracted or not…..eek!

  • PVK

    Hi, I have known this person through Friendster in the year 2003. He left to further his studies in overseas and ever since then we have been keeping in touch via emails and phone calls. He has professed his interest in me but at that time i had my career and other social interests and have not responded much to him. Last year in 2013, i had a bad break up and without me knowing, he had always been there, in a way, cheering me up n such. All of a sudden, i realized that he has been always there, keeping in touch and still has affections for me. I have thus confessed my feelings and we have both decided to take it one step ahead. It has been all going good. We talked about having a family, our friends and so forth. In August, all of a sudden, he calls me n said that his timing was not good and his finance was heading to ruins. He has asked me to forget him n move on. I was totally blank as of the sudden change. Do take note that we have never met before and we were about to do so by end of September. When i message he does call me after that and of late there were no calls whatsoever. I am at a standstill as i don’t really know what he is going through or has he met someone over there. Please do advice or perhaps a hint on this sudden behaviour. Thank you.

    • Peter White

      Hi – I think he said it all… In my words would be – Long distance relationships ( typically ) require money to travel and he doesn’t feel like he can afford it.

      Now I’m not sure how much you’ve seen each other ( through pictures or video chat ) but that will also come into play. When the moment of “meeting” gets closer some guys will pull away because they’re scared of face to face and they begin to question how they look, how you’ll look, how much physical attraction will be there for the both of you. They basically hold on for a while but again, the closer the moment comes the more scared they get.

      The MAY use the financial excuse OR they may not have ever had the financial means for something to happen anyways but enjoy the romantic close connection to the opposite sex from far away.

      This may make it seem like it’s “sudden behavior” but it’s been there all along.

      Hopefully, if he met someone close, he would’ve told you… but I just feel the long distance thing is the real root of the problems and the fact you two have never met before ( after ten years ) is where all the complications have come from and probably started long ago.

      This is not the greatest news but I do hope it helps you see things for what I believe they are… wishing you the best,

      Pete

  • Heather

    Howdy Peter,

    I have a male friend that I have known for about 12 years.

    In the beginning we were just getting to know each other. About 2 years ago he started tutoring me alone at his place for my physics class. That was when I really started to fall for him. Before he was just the cute guy friend.

    Over the last couple years we saw a movie alone, did other one on one activities and in my opinion flirting with each other.

    The one thing that has always thrown me off is the fact that I need to start the conversations most of the time with him. We have some things in common- movies and music taste, same opinion of morals and we are both loyal people.

    Over the last couple years he has stared at me longer than needed, showed off to get my attention, let his hands linger when passing me items, been protective of me when strange men(to him, I know whom they are) approach me to chat, stand shoulder to shoulder with me, hold an umbrella for me once, pays for everything and always stay back to help me carry stuff.

    He recently has taken an interest in the freaky sexual stuff I am interested in. He also confided in my recently to the point where he broke down.

    It seems like he likes me but I can’t tell.

  • Angie

    I was wondering if you could please get back to me with advice. And I apologize in advance if this is really long. Basically I met this guy through a mutual friend. At first we hit it off so great, he and I had almost everything in common. I even told him I feel like I’ve known you forever, and he even agreed! After hanging out I remembered that I met him a long time ago at a weekend religious school he and I attended when we were both 14. It turned out we have known each other a long time and did not realize it! We talked about favorite colors a lot which was one of the things we didn’t have in common and probably one of the only things! Lol we were so close. We held hands a lot, which is not something I normally do and neither does he. we went to the movies and he kept telling me “lay on me” and began to play with my ears and hair and whisper things in my ears as he held my hand. We basically got really close but nothing too sexual we never slept together or anything like that. He texted me all the time with happy faces and even when he would try and tease me through texting (I sometimes would not reply right away because I would be busy doing some things) he would reply “I’m just kidding” 5 min later if I took too long to reply. He asked me about children and what I would name them and how many I wanted if I ever got married one day, I told him I wanted a hair cut and he said “no not too short” like why would he care if he didn’t like me. He would always get embarrassed over little things like spraying cologne on his socks so I don’t smell them after he takes his shoes off because his shoes were hurting him and going to the bathroom to groom himself and wash his face, Basically every damn hint in the book showing he likes me!! I hung out with him last week and the whole damn time he acted so weird. He was dry and mean and dosed off a lot and we went to the movies again and he moved the cup holder so we can get closer like always. So I thought everything was fine like normal. As we went home we almost got into a car accident because he was day dreaming. On his way to drop me off home there is 2 ways to take me home. A short way and a long way. When he picks me up it’s usually from the right hand side which means he took the fast way, but always every time when he drops me off home he takes the long way! And that day even though he was acting strange I told myself, if there was something I did, he would take the short way to drop my ass off so I can get out if his hair faster. But instead he took the long way again. He doesn’t really talk to that many girls and everyone tells me I’m more attractive than him but I don’t care honestly he’s everything I’ve always wanted in a guy. I swear it’s like he’s met every damn requirement that I fantasized for as weird as that sounds. As I got home I texted him goodnight and he sent me a dry message that said “goodnight. Thanks for the gift, I really wish you didn’t. ” (since I gave him a birthday present that day) thought it was a little rude but I was still nice. The next day ON my birthday (we are both born around the same time) he ignored me. I see his snaps and he’s just hanging with his sisters at his house playing with his cats. I texted him and no answer, I ask why he’s ignoring me, NO answer, feeling hurt and down I couldn’t even enjoy my damn party my family through for me as a surprise. I felt very disappointed. He then texted me after my birthday and left me a long text saying things like “Hey _____I didn’t mean to make you feel ignored. I was just busy with family that day.
    I have been avoiding saying anything out of fear of upsetting you.
    I like people to like me. I like to give people happy memories and make them smile.
    And often times I avoid reality if it MIGHT involve any negative things/feelings.
    But I think it is more negative if I avoid the truth.
    I didn’t want to say anything from the first day because I felt it would be inappropriate and uncalled for as it was never mentioned or brought up..
    My intentions were to build a friendship with you.
    If we got along and were able to be friends, and with time I started to have feelings, I would have DEFINITELY told you.
    I thought I made this point clear to our mutual friend. Maybe I didn’t. Maybe I am confusing.
    If I hurt you or offended you in any way I apologize.
    I feel that things are moving way too quickly for me.
    Perhaps I should have been more clear from day one. Perhaps I should have avoided getting close.
    I am sincerely sorry for anything I did to maybe lead you on.
    Like I said earlier, I was acting out of fear for hurting you. I did not(and do not) want to be the cause for anyone being/getting upset. When I felt you growing fond and close to me I felt like I should reciprocate.
    However, as I am not comfortable with doing so I should not have reciprocated. I honestly did not know how to “smoothly” let you know how I felt. I was completely fearful of upsetting you.
    I understand if you are hurt and even confused by this.
    If you ever would like to talk about it I am always able to.
    I don’t want to hurt you by allowing you to grow fonder of me while I am still completely unsure of whether or not I have serious feelings(or as people may call it- “leading you on”).
    I hope that makes sense.
    And I am always here as a friend and someone to talk to as I am for everyone in my life. ” what I don’t understand is that he’s the one that held my hand, he’s the one that told me to lay on him, he’s the one that played with my ears and hair and even tried grabbing my ass a few times and boobs till I moved his hands. I’m confused. Don’t get me wrong I like the guy but I’m so lost. I called him on the phone and I said “I thought you liked me” because I did confess I like him a week before and he said “I “THINK” I like you too

  • Etta

    Hi. I met a man six weeks ago. We called each other, texted, everything was great! Then the change. Out of nowhere. One time I called and he was totally out of it, completely aggravated about something, saying people were calling him but he didn’t feel like answering. Yet “you can call anytime.” However one recent night I did to see how he was faring and he didn’t answer. He did however almost an hour ago saying that although he saw I called, since he was watching tv, he decided to not answer until the commercials. So that meant we couldn’t talk long. He said it was his way of relaxing. So I told him it was fine to “do you” and we hung up. The next morning, while at work, he called me trying to explain himself, telling me of the pressures he’s under such as having to get his mother up, making sure she takes her medication and so on. In addition, he said “I got a joke for you” and it really wasn’t funny, not off color just not funny but I laughed a little anyway because it wasn’t funny. Then he mumbled something about he’ll talk to me and that was that. That was two days ago. I don’t know what to make of this. A girlfriend said it’s not over, that he doesn’t want to lose you, that the joke was typical of a man trying to make a woman happy. I like him a lot. Oh, and by the way, he’s on probation and I’m thinking maybe his coldness has something to do with this as he was just released this past January, 2014. I don’t know if I’m making excuses. He doesn’t know I know about this. I’m waiting for him to tell me…if he ever does. How do I know? Simple research. Soo, what do you think?

  • Deb

    I was hoping you could help me with a guy I’m interested in. We met in a choir a couple of weeks ago and there seemed to be a lot of chemistry between us. He is generally quite shy and quiet. I caught him staring at me on several occasions, but he would look away when I looked back at him. He’s even approached me when I was alone and I’ve flirted with him in a fun playful way which he seemed to enjoy. I’m not sure if he realises that I am interested in him. More recently, he continues to stare at me occasionally but also ignores me a lot. I’m not quite sure what to do next, as I find him very attractive and think he might feel the same. I must point out that we are a very social choir so I am constantly surrounded by other people. He seems quite comfortable talking to other women in the group one on one but if he approaches me and I’m in a group he acknowledges everyone but me!!! It’s so frustrating and I even wonder if I did anything wrong. Am I coming across as too keen maybe? Help :(

  • Nanna

    Hey Peter

    I’m in a similar situation as in the article, and i just really need to get some advice on this.
    First of all I just started at a new school this summer, and met this group of three people, who i just really connected with. After two weeks I start to get feelings for one of the guys in this group, and we start to flirt a bit. 2 months after we are still flirting – though none of our friends really knows. Then 2 weeks ago, me and the guy, are at the same warm up party, and we flirt – more than usual – and he actually tells me that he likes me – but keep in mind that we had a few beers – I told him “i like you too” but maybe not in the right tone – and then he asks me “like for real?” – and then we get interrupted. But the night goes on, and we just dance a little and i can’t seem to catch him alone – so that i could tell him: “yes for real”. Anyways on the next monday, we still flirt a lot – maaaaaybe im not that flirty, because im really bad at showing my feelings in front of the whole class and our mutual close friends and such, but still flirty though. Then the next day – tuesday – its like im not even there. He doesn’t even hug me goodbye or anything as he usually does, and we barely even talk. This goes on for a week, and i get really confused. But as the week goes on – he seems to talk to me at bit more, and actually smiled at me today.
    Does it seem like he likes me and he is just testing me?, or is he tired of me – because i suck at showing my feelings? should I tell him that i like him? or is it too late?.. im so confused – i’ve tried to tell him so many times this week, but I just can’t seem to get it out. We have to spent the next three years with each other, because we are in the same class, so i just dont want to ruin it.

    Hope you can help – and sorry for the long explanation hehe

    • Peter White

      Hey Nanna,

      I think you have to imagine the time frame in which things started to happen between you two. Notice how long it took. Notice how slowly things progressed until that one fateful night.

      Because of the time frame it’s not unusual for a guy just to assume there’s no urgency or “special” thing going on. Even though you both might be feeling it.

      Which means until it starts up again, I wouldn’t really expect him to be all over you or even that responsive until the moment’s right.

      There is a chance he could be a little tired and starting to feel like he’s wasting his time BUT there’s an easy solution to that. Put yourself and him in better positions where something CAN happen. Most guys forget the past when the present ( or a present like you ) is staring them right in the face and actually step up at that point.

      And if they don’t it’s usually their issue and not yours.

      That also means you need be in a position where you don’t feel so threatened like in the middle of a classroom filled with people who you think might judge you.

      I don’t think you’ve ruined it… as I always say… attraction for guys just doesn’t go away. They can NOT think themselves out of it. They can reason out of entering a relationship, or talking to you, or furthering something else BUT they can NEVER talk themselves out of felling attracted once it happens.

      That’s good news. It means you probably didn’t ruin it.

      Don’t worry about showing your feeling. Don’t tell him you like him… SHOW HIM. Guys respond best to that. The harder you try, the harder it will get.

      Just again, put yourself in better positions with him, doesn’t matter how, and if he still doesn’t get it, then he probably doesn’t get you or what a woman experiences in times like this. ( Which is very common. )

      Hope that helps you. All the best to you,

      Pete

  • Annie

    I have been friends with this particular guy for 8 years. Finally told him I loved him, said the same thing to me. I know him better than most, he thinks I am beautiful, always flakes out though.
    Has been very terse with me, saw me for only an hour in the three weeks since I told him. Finally broke it off and said that I give up.

    Guys, if you love a woman and she loves you back don’t flake out on them. Don’t restrict your contact for weeks on end without any reason. If your nervous, tell her.

    My guy just lost out on a great and loving girl.

  • dip166

    I think I’m on the exact situation of this post. Yesterday we were exchanging awkward smiles and niceties, today he’s ignoring me on the hallway and pretending he didn’t see me… ouch.

    Therefore I’m doing something I’ve never done before, which is ignore him back. I think he noticed it because he’s no fool, but I guess that’s that, right? We will just ignore each other for eternity… I don’t want to go after him and give him the idea that I’m okay with him being rude. =/

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