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First Date Confusion – He doesn’t Call You Back! Is He Interested?

in Dating
She expects him to call her if and only if he’s interested in seeing her again.

They went out Friday night after meeting off an internet dating site. He quickly mentions how he “doesn’t get on there much” and how they should exchange numbers.

She agrees and they text a few times before he says we should go out sometime very soon. She agrees and they set up a Friday night date.

He gets a kiss in the taxi and offers her a choice – “Call it a night or come up to his place to watch a movie.

She follows him to his apartment and within a short time is making out with her. She doesn’t allow any sex to happen and decides to call it an evening.

He texts her on the way home telling her to be safe. She texts him back. Then he mentions to stop texting because he doesn’t want her to get hurt and he’ll contact her soon.

A few days pass and since she hasn’t heard anything decides to text him, “thanking him for a good night out.”  He gets back to her after a few hours with something like you’re welcome and how he can not wait until the next time.

Now it’s Tuesday and she has not heard back from him. She just “happens” to notice he’s on the internet dating site even though he said he doesn’t get on there much.

She expects him to be seeing other women…”He’s a good-looking guy.” but doesn’t understand why he would say he isn’t on there a lot.

She believes he hasn’t called her because just maybe he thought he was going to get lucky and she didn’t let it happen. Maybe he moved on to an easier girl. Which doens’t make sense to her, she thinks, because why did he bother to make sure she got home okay and mentioning that he’d like to see her again.

He played it perfectly…he didn’t waste any time messaging back and forth and get her phone number quickly.  A very smart thing to do.

The only thing she bothered to mention was that he was “good-looking,”  made good eye contact and asked a lot of questions.

In other words she was probably “hot” for him. He made her feel comfortable enough (after only a few messages and one date) to go back up to his place.

Now what about her – she “notices” he’s online a few times. He doesn’t immediately get back to her so she starts to wonder if she’s being played. She can not wait for more than a few days before she comes up with any reason to message, “Oh yeah I forgot to thank you for the date…”

In other words she thought she found a perfectly good excuse to message him – but in reality she was more curious about why he didn’t instantly start acting like a boyfriend or some needy dude she’d probably run from.

Instantly she comes to the conclusion it was because she didn’t put out! Maybe he moved on to an easier girl because he was only interested in getting some and she refused to put out.

What kind of game could he possibly be playing?

Let’s see and please note the sarcasm – I won’t “crawl up her ass” and act like some needy guy. I’ll immediately show interest. Be confident by making good eye contact. I’ll find out more about her by asking lots of questions. I’ll show her quickly I’m not interested in a “just friendly” meeting so I’ll break the physical barrier almost immediately.

Both parties involved are doing what they should be doing – She’s testing the hell out of him hoping and trying to get him to reveal his hand. He’s passing them every step.

He’s getting to know her slowly and by not letting a few days become something more than it is. Just a few days. He’s keeping his options open by “probably” setting up more dates. He has a good-looking profile, a quick “get her on he phone” system, and nonchalantly mentioning he’s not much of an internet dater. Which whether she or any woman ever believes it or not – is out there anyways.

Then she wrote this,

“I definitely agree that I screwed things up by going up to his place. I was naive and didn’t want the night to end and didn’t bother thinking what my actions were saying. Dannnnng. I know in my gut that since he hasn’t called, he’s just not that into me. But sometimes a girl just needs to hear it said out loud by someone else. No worries! I won’t be contacting him in any form.

Sucks that I’ll never know what would’ve happened had I gone home that night immediately after our date instead. Guess this guy was just meant to be a lesson. Lesson learned! Thanks for the honesty.”

No call 48 hours after first date…not interested?!

She relates “him not calling” quick enough to him not being interested – in my opinion… NOT TRUE at all!

The fact is after one date you can not expect any man to suddenly start revolving around your world. And if he does you’ll pull back quicker saying how overly needy he is. Even if he’s good-looking.

She NEEDS to hear he likes her or doesn’t… He asked for a kiss, he asked to come back to his place, he said he’d like to see her again sometime…what more does she need to hear.

Then she calls him a lesson. How she won’t be contacting him in any form.

I don’t believe her. She’ll think about him probably a little too much. Not compulsively but enough. The open non-explained disappearance will without a doubt still make her wonder.

“Why do guys…?” Wait to call back after a first date, and why do men have dating rules?

People get busy and most of us run a life that’s full of things to do. If you take the absence personal, like he’s doing on purpose just to play a game, them those same players you’re trying to avoid – will not only drive you crazy, you’ll set yourself for constantly being stuck with a guy like that.

Overly needy men will give you exactly what you want. They will constantly tell you how interested they are in you. Mostly hoping you’ll like him back. He’ll worry you’re out with some other guy and text and phone you way too much right after you first meet. That is if he really likes you.

And you’re not going to feel anything for that type of guy very quickly because of it.

I know what you’re thinking – isn’t there a middle ground? Can’t I meet a guy who is interested just enough to not let me wait around to figure it out?

Nope. Because it’s too personal and because of that – it’s just best not to take it personally. His middle ground is probably different than yours and until you really get to know him, you’re only going to assume what it means based on your perspective.

If you’re always busy you assume others are probably busy too and you have no time to even consider it.

If you have lots of time on your hands then you have more time to think about it. And it will seem longer to you than it does to someone else.

It’s a matter of personal perspective.

Does it really mean we’re just not interested?

It’s not 100% that just because a man does not contact you as quickly as you’d like is not a guarantee he’s not interested.

Quality men (and I use that term loosely) are NOT going to come out and say it early on but the signs are always there…

  • He asked for a kiss.
  • He asked you to come back to his place.
  • He said he’d like to see your again.

All signs he’s interested.

Never expect a guy to consider a relationship of any kind in one or two weeks – because, and I know you already know this – those are the guys you don’t want anyways.

You yourself are displaying signs of neediness which is always an “attraction” killer. So naturally you would expect him to do the same.

When a guy doesn’t call you immediately after a first date – don’t take it personal. Yes some guys who are not interested will fade into the night never to be seen again, some guys are only looking for a quick lay…

But MOST highly sought-out men are dating a few women at once and are only living their lives. They have no need to immediately contact a woman after just one date. They have no need to advertise their interest because they know things take time. They have no urgency to get her as quickly as humanly possible.

What really got me, and probably caused me to write all this, was the mostly lame responses she received telling her he was a player. How she was being played and should feel grateful she didn’t sleep with him. How it was such a huge mistake to go back to his place only after one night.

Could he be a player – quite possibly yes. But it’s just as likely he’s not.

The absolute truth about our “dating rules” is –  They are there because some men DO have a need problem. They do need to step back and give women space. Some men don’t and thus only follow their lives the best they can without any dating rules.

If she doesn’t her back from him at all, for a couple weeks or more, then yes it’s almost definite he’s not interested in her at all.

If he calls back drunk after that time – then he either just wanted sex and remembered you – or he’s feeling bad because he really liked you but got scared.

The best way to tell if a man is truly interested in you:

To tease him a little, have fun with him, offer a little and have him “work” if he wants more.

Be a challenge.

Be his challenge.

And those high quality men will show their interest by paying very close attention to you in every sense of the word.

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Peter White. Just some guy every woman should get to know because, well I “think” like a guy. 🙂 Stay in touchnewsletter, Why Do Guys Facebook – Twitter @peterwhite125Thanks for stopping by and be good, be bad, just BE something.

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27 comments… add one
  • Trish

    Meet a man on dating site, text alittle , then talked on phone. He asked to take me to dinner, i agreed! So before we went in restaurant he hugged me like he just show his bestfriend after 20yrs. We had dinner , walked out of restaurant and he said he really liked me, then kissed me so passionate. We ended the night he went to his home i went to mine. He called me the next day and said he’d been thinking about me all day. Next day we talk, then it has been couple of days nothing!! What did i do wrong? Chemistry was there on both parts.

  • Tam

    Hi Peter, I need your help:)

    I have met a gay trough a dating app and after some chatting he invited me for a tea or drink (he wanted to meet me even he had a hard time at work, he asked for my number and gave mi his to be easier to meet)

    At first I thought he is cute, but wasn’t attracted to him. I decided to accept the invitation because we discovered some mutual intrests while chatting (used to work for the same company, liked the same things..) and he seemed like a normal man.

    It was the first time for me to meet a guy trough dating site so I didn’t want anything to happen at first date.We talked for a while, laughed and I had a very nice time. It seemd he was excited to meet me.He asked me about my job, interests, last relationship, family, even he asked if I would like to have children(I don’t think he wanted to marry me or start a serious relationship on a first date(it’s stupid),but I assume he wanted to know what kind of girl am I ,or sth like that) He is very intelligent and he knew how to gain my attention(he is 35 and almost 8 yrs older than me).We laughed a lot, he also told me that I’m more attractive in person than on photos. He asked if I wanted to meet him again for a dinner. At first I didn’t give a clear answer but when we had left the bar I agreed. He tried to kiss me but we kissed only in a cheek. I wasn’t shy while we were talking but I at the moment wasn’t ready for a kiss. Than he left saying :see you.

    After meeting him in person I have became so attracted to him. I think of him every day, dying to meet him again.
    Few days later I sent him a friend request on our professional network and he accepted me immediately..But he didn’t call..and we met 8days ago:(

    What to do now?

    • Tam

      I meant GUY not gay!:)

    • Peter White

      Hi Tam… Do nothing with your gay guy, I mean straight guy. 🙂

      Seriously, the worse thing you can do is push the situation. Be patient. Remain calm.

      Chances are he’s dating other women and living his life. Give him the opportunity to first prove to you he wasn’t just looking for a hook up and that he’s really interested.

      You have my “permission” to send him a quick text in a few days but nothing more. Send him something like a cute face picture of you with a sly smile and say, “Just working on my photo taking skills. :p”

      That’s all. Nothing more.

      You’ll know soon enough if he’s really interested and if you don’t hear back from him legitimately (a call, a few back and forth real texts, or invitation for a date) within a week, then go ahead and delete his contacts entirely.

      This will give him a little over two weeks to show his real interest in you which is plenty of time.

      Your guy friend,

      Pete

      • Tam

        Thank you my gey gay friend:)!
        Have a nice day

      • Tam

        Hi Pete,

        It’s me again:) Your advice was very helpful! I have texted him as you told me and he replied immediately. He was a bit surprised by my message and asked me several times when we can meet. I said that we could meet and he replied that he was abroad, busy with work and that he was traveling again, but proposed to meet one day between two business trips. He stayed in the city for 2 days. I didn’t give a clear answer because I didn’t believe he was serious. He texted me late at night to tell me he was back and that he would like to meet me before next business trip, but he was not sure if he would have time. I said that I understand and that we could meet next time, but he said he would try to finish his work because he wanted to see me. He texted me during the day to apologize because he was in the rush with work and not able to meet when we planned, and that he would text me when he came back. But later that night, he messaged me that he had just finished with work and wanted to have a drink with me. I also wanted to see him but refused him several times and in the end, he finally agreed saying he would text me when he was back. And he did it, the same day he arrived he send me a very late night message that he was finally here (I know he didn’t lie about his business trip because I have seen pics. on social media). I shortly replied welcome back and haven’t heard from him for two days. I just said hello today and he just replied hi, how r u?
        The problem is that he is glued to his phone all the time but never replies immediately. We exchange a few messages, but I don’t mind because I hate staring at the phone and prefer to have a phone call or live chat .He usually does it late at night, but never asks naughty questions. I can understand he is busy with work ( we used to work for the same company – so I know how hard it is…) and he’s just come back from a long trip but it was weekend….

        Long story, I hate this but I need help. Meanwhile, I have met several guys but this one has some magic wand which uses to make me think of him again and again.

        How to reply to maintain his attention and make him ask me out again?

        Many regards to my guy friend Pete:)

        • Peter White

          There’s no real trick to keeping a guy’s attention. In fact, the harder you try the more you’ll push him away.

          Focus on your life and not his. The mere fact you realize that he’s always online or checking his phone or reads your response tells me your focus is more on him and not on yourself.

          I like these short articles which should keep you busy and redirect your focus a little.

          http://www.dialteg.org/rori-raye-rules-love-attracting-men/are-you-stopping-him-from-falling-for-you/

          http://www.dialteg.org/rori-raye-rules-love-attracting-men/chasing-him-showing-interest/

          http://www.dialteg.org/rori-raye-rules-love-attracting-men/how-show-him-great-who-you-are/

          Give them all a good read and I’m sure you’ll understand what maintaining a guys attention really should be all about.

          In my world – the man’s world I will tell you this:

          Women who capture my attention and keep it always begin with attraction. I’m feeling it. After, if she’s a little illusive, a great challenge, and our talks or meetings or text chats are short – those are the ones I’m always looking for a little more with – because she makes me work for it just enough.

          Not because it’s on purpose, just because she’s living her life fully AND I haven’t found a way or made my way deeper into her life.

          Stay patient. Keep up your challenge.

          All the best,

          Pete

          • Tam

            Hi Pete,
            We chatted again,but he CHANGED after a business trip. As I told you, he sent me a very late night message that he came back. I don’t like late night texting so I just welcomed him back, but the next day I send him a message hello owl and he replied after few days. Since then he doesn’t ask to meet me and doesn’t send me late night messages.

            We texted again ( I initiated texting), and when I asked him what he was doing he always gives simple answer good or working.Usually, I was trying to be funny (not my style to chase men and be persuasive) and make texting longer, but somehow he just gave me a short reply about himself, so I tried to switch a conversation to another topic, and I succeed. We talked about the economy, and he was more talkative, but still reserved-not asking me out!
            But why is he replying to my messages?? He is not a child, he is in his late 30 and is not bored.

            Probably he only wanted quick entertainment and that’s why he was so persuasive at the beginning (begging and asknig when we can meet for a dinner, proposing only late night meetings because of work).

            I don’t get it!

            I will be in the city 2 months and I leave, but that he knew from the very first day.
            Think I’m cooling down a bit, but was wondering what is in men head.Do you differ so much from us:)

            Thank you my dear friend Pete

  • Amy

    Hey, so I met this guy on a dating site, after texting a couple of times, he asked me out. Last night we went on our first date, we had a nice time, great conversation, then he asked if he can add me on facebook I said sure. When we said goodbye he never said anything about seeing each other again oranything he just kissed my cheek and said drive safe. So today I haven’t received any texts from him, I’m not sure if I should send him a text saying I had a great time last night or just wait for him to text or call. BTW, today when I checked my online dating page to see if he was online, I got a notification that he checked out my page again… I need help, he seems like a nice guy and I’d like to know him better.

    • Peter White

      Be patient Amy. If he’s truly a nice guy then he’s probably not convinced you like him at all. It’s a common problem with way too many guys.

      If you don’t hear from him after four or five days, send him a text and include something from the conversation you had on your date. Keep it light and funny if you can.

      After that, you’ll have a clearer picture of where he’s at.

      He’s probably feeling you out and is worried some other guy will “snatch” you up and is worried about coming on too strong.

      Let me know how it goes.

      Your guy friend,

      Pete

  • Angel

    Hi Pete…

    Ummm…I do not feel that he is interested…Been there done that…I just moved on

  • Tam

    Dear Pete,

    I told you that I wanted to move on and not to think about the guy, but somehow I couldn’t. He again continued texting me saying that he was too busy. I was sick and tired of it so I called him and told him I didn’t want to meet him if he was too busy and that I was ok with that, but asked him to be a man and told me. He emphasized he really wanted to see me so we somehow managed to meet again.

    He realised that I don’t want to meet for dinner so he proposed a coffee in his neighbourhood. We had a nice time, talked about general things and economy. Afterwards, we walked to the river. His neighbourhood is very calm with lots of family houses and schools.

    While walking we had seen many parents with children and he followed up how his neighbourhood is perfect for family and that he was the only interloper who lived alone, mentioning it several times. “If you ever wanted to have children you should move here”. I said that was the most beautiful and difficult task in life and I would like to experience it when the time comes. He started making jokes calling me child and saying he couldn’t imagine me as a mother because I’m immature also pointing out that he was still young and he had time.

    After the walk, I accepted to go to his place. We were close, but didn’t have sex.
    He had a dinner at his friend’s place and he was late. He complained that friends were going to make jokes of him, because he told them that he was with me.

    He dropped me at a station saying he is crazy about me and we need to meet again. The next day he texted first asking me how am I, mentioning that the dinner was good but his friends made jokes of him. He was too busy to meet even it was a weekend, but always saying that we must meet again..We texted few times but he still sends short messages and doesn’t ask how I spend my time…

    I’m confused?! What does he want from me? Why he wanted me to know that his friends would tease him, and later doesn’t call?

    He is clever so he knows that I’m not a girl for one night, but I never talked about children, just wanted to know him better – he is the one who begins that topic. He is hard working, funny, has a lot of friends, likes drinking and eating so he doesn’t look like a family type but ages…

    I said I would move on, I have several guys around who would be happy to be with me but this devil is in my head, and when he proposed to meet I couldn’t resist. I think the only way to really do it is to meet again and have a talk…but I don’t want to stalk him.

    Please help!

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