“Me and my guy friend have not yet established a title but I have told him that I love him and yesterday he asked me why do I have those feelings for him. I can tell he care but it is as if he is scared of a relatinship. He exhibits confusiongg when I ask him what are we and he asked me what did I want him to say. I have commited myslef to him and refuse to speak with other guys am I making a mistake or should I give him time”
Original comment is here: https://www.whydoguys.com/what-does-mean-he-asks-do-you-love-me/comment-page-1/#comment-22224
Honestly, I see lots of problems here and I’m going to go over them one by one to give insight into your situation. This will help you and lots of other women avoid being hurt and being stuck with a guy who is not right or ready for you.
When you tell a guy you love him and he asks why – something is wrong. He either says it back because he’s feeling it or doesn’t because he’s not feeling it back or is not willing to share it with you. BUT, at least with those answers you know what’s up.
However when he asks “why?” it’s worse because he’s leaving you hanging, on the hook so to speak; he’s avoiding being honest or upfront with you.
Yes, you are making a mistake committing to a guy who is not committed to you.
The basic rules to follow with men are:
#1. If a man tells you he is scared of a relationship – walk away or run. Start looking elsewhere immediately. That is IF you want to find a real guy.
“Some men are just bad for you. Here’s what to look out for: Call them signs, signals, clues, actions, reactions, whatever works for you…” Warning Signs: 10 Types Of Guys You’ll Want To Avoid Dating
Lots of men use “fear” as an excuse to avoid committing to a woman especially when they’re not feeling it as strongly as the woman. It’s normally because they’re still looking for something better. They’re possibly looking for a woman who will make that fear go away which if you ask me – NEVER will happen because the fear will always be there unless they get over it themselves first OR are willing to face it for the right woman.
I’ve seen way too many guys use “fear” or say, “I’m afraid of being hurt.” as avoidance. Sometimes they’re stuck on a past love. Sometimes they’re just living in the past. Sometimes they’re not into a woman and use this as a way to keep her around for either an Ego boost or a sexual partner.
This is how I see it.
A man might be afraid to do certain things because there is a real threat of harm. A man might be afraid to do certain things because it takes him out of his comfort level like starting a new career, leaving a failed relationship, moving to something place new, etc…
BUT… a man who avoids a relationship because he’s afraid of being hurt is either not really into her, using it as an excuse, not a real man who is mature, ready, and capable of being in a relationship, doesn’t like himself much at all, stuck on some lost love, feels like he has not met “the one”, and the list goes on where not one of them is the type of guy you want to commit to until he can prove without a doubt otherwise.
Ask yourself this terribly REAL question: Do you really want a man who is afraid of getting emotionally hurt?
Think about it. Think about all the REAL fears you and I face everyday which can do us real harm and yet we manage to get past them. Then think about “being emotionally hurt” and ask yourself why is this one so hard for a guy.
It’s normally an excuse or he’s deflecting the truth of his situation. He’s stuck somewhere.
Trust me when a I tell you there are lots of men who would circle the globe, risk real harm, crawl across hot coals, give up everything and anything they have to be with the woman they love and there are lots of men who have done those exact things to be with (or even just court/date) the woman of their dreams.
Why waste your time with a guy who is “afraid” of a relationship with a woman who loves him back.
#2. Never ask a man “What are we?”.
Asking this question (without humor) already tells me you are in two different places and he is NOT making it clear to you. Which means he is not ready, willing, capable, or feeling the same thing you are.
If a guy is not making it very clear “what” you are that means he’s not there yet. Asking him only sets him up to pull back or question the nature of the relationship. Real confident men lead and will happily let you know where they stand WHEN and IF they are feeling it.
#3. Never commit yourself to a guy who is not committed to you AND has made that clear by letting you know in every way possible.
Avoiding other men won’t change his mind. Not dating other men will not make him feel something for you if he isn’t already. It will, in fact, do the opposite AND will give him every reason to NEVER commit to you.
#4. Avoid men who, when asked questions about feelings or love or dating, answers you with another question when it is not done in a fun confident humorous way.
Deflection, avoidance, not being upfront and honest, (and more) are just social tools “people” use and will represent a deeper problem. It’s a red flag. It’s telling you to avoid this person.
Sure, some guys might not be able to put into words exactly what they mean so they will stall or do something else but that’s because they do not want to be misunderstood or hurt someone because they couldn’t say what they meant but those men are different and will at least try to answer your question.
You can give a man all the time in the world he wants or needs to overcome his problems BUT, as long as you’re in a good place, are fairly healthy and stable, have a clear direction, know what you want or are looking for AND find yourself in a place where you can better than just function in a normal happy healthy relationship…
NEVER wait or allow yourself to go backwards hoping he’ll catch up eventually.
If you’re not there yet this also does not mean you have to only look for men who are there with you – get yourself in that good place where you’re confident, capable, and ready for real love and a guy who is not afraid to go there with you by focusing on yourself.