Please tell me if you think this guy is still interested in me or not. And if I should initiate contact with him by sms.
We had a second date where we kissed on the date and he told me I was attractive. He was also keen to make plans for another date, and we set a date for the following week.
Before the date ended there were some periods of awkward silences before we said goodbye with a kiss on the lips. I didn’t get any sms from him so I sent him a quick sms two days later to ask how he was.
He responded the next morning and apologized for the delayed response and gave a quick response to my text.
The day before our third date he sent me an sms apologizing that he had to cancel the date because he was behind with work and was leaving to go overseas for work for a week. He mentioned something about catching up when he got back, and said he would call me when he got back.
It’s been almost a week since he was back and he hasn’t contacted me.
I’m confused about whether he is still interested in me or if he has changed him mind. (Maybe he decided we have nothing to talk about and nothing in common? )
Or if he is genuinely still busy and can’t make any plans with me?
If he doesn’t contact me before the end of the week, should I contact him? Or should I take it as a sign that he is not interested in anymore dates with me? I would really appreciate your advice!
Hello Liz, this is going to come at you hard so be prepared. I'm not going to hold back but trust, it's going to help you a lot in your life of dating men and this guy.
I'll cover the texting and a new rule for you then I'll get into the reality of a man's world and interest, like, and connections. From those answers and advice you'll get a few direct answers so you can use.
Secondly - I'll go over what's going on with you and how it's affecting your dating life. So yeah - we're in for a hell of a ride here.
However I'm positive you and any woman who reads this who can relate to situations like this is going to benefit from it and see a change for the better in dating men.
Let's make a rule - I hate rules but since I've heard this way too many times something must be done about it:
NEVER text a guy after HE took YOU out on a date.
If you feel the rule needs to be broken do NOT text him asking "How are you doing?" REAL guys do NOT respond to that in a way you would want them to anyways.
If you feel the rule needs to be broken then something is wrong and THAT needs to be addressed immediately.
Think about it - if two days is too long to wait after a date, like the world's going to end, you need closure, you need to hear from him, you think he's lost interest, you believe the date went worse than you imagined, you have a nagging voice inside you that is screaming PLEASE SAY something so I can get on with my life one way or another...
THAT is a problem.
A guy you've only dated a few times who doesn't get back to you within a few days is NOT a problem. It's to be expected.
Okay Liz - I DO hear where you're coming from aside from the fact I'm laying it on pretty thick and tough for you.
That "awkward silence" you felt got you thinking - maybe he's just not interested in you. Maybe that was the sign. Maybe the chemistry went south and in one fleeting moment incomparable to the whole date said it all. You wrote, "Maybe he decided we have nothing to talk about and nothing in common?"
But that couldn't be further from the truth.
Awkward silences do not necessarily mean he has lost interest or that you had nothing in common.
It just means every moment you spend with each other (especially early on) will be a little awkward.
I teach guys who go through the same thought process to revel in those moments. It's not awkward or strange - it's called FRICTION. It's called uneasiness. It's called DATING.
It happens when two people just might be trying a little too hard to force something more to happen.
It happens when a guy is so wrapped up in his thoughts about WHEN and HOW to kiss you, hug you, or do something more he becomes frozen with doubt.
It happens when a woman steps back a little and is patiently waiting for the guy to make a move OR when the conversation went in a direction that had no where to go.
Yes - I know. You hear the stories. Your friends, or some movie, or some fairy tale about a couple matched perfectly for each other. They never run out of things to say. The nights flies by in bliss.
Well guess what - THAT is not real life. Far from it I might add.
People unknowingly lie when they don't knowingly (not) tell the truth.
When they're telling you about their perfect date or cute-meet story, they're leaving out those "awkward" moments and not purposely - but because they don't dwell on them. They don't recognize them. They slip under their radar and not base a whole evening on a moment which ALWAYS happens.
Again - I hear you.
"Is this guy interested in me? He said I was attractive. We went on two dates. He kissed me BUT he didn't become overly obsessed with me the next day OR the day after SO I couldn't take it anymore and I just had to text him."
However what I didn't hear were the actual DETAILS of what happened on the dates; how interesting of a person you FEEL you are and how great of a guy he might be OR even how interesting of a guy he actually is.
WHAT happened on the date (not the minimal awkward silences unless the whole evening was filled with awkward silences) will always be more important in figuring out a guy's interest. Always.
I'm going to quote again something you wrote, "Maybe he decided we have nothing to talk about and nothing in common?" because there's a lot to cover there.
First - since when is it HIS decision alone to decide commonality or interest.
I'd say that's for BOTH of you to decide and leaving yourself open to making it HIS choice just because you enjoyed yourself is the wrong (unfortunately unattractive) attitude to have.
You should never be made to feel or feel like it's all the GUY's decision to date you or not - I don't care how great of a man he is - you're involved here which means YOU are also deciding.
AND... tell me if I'm wrong but - you're smart - believe and trust you have all the power to tell and know if you BOTH have things in common or some shared interests to talk about. You do NOT need him to tell you.
Second - sure, guys like a good conversation and connection with a woman, they do try to learn about you, they do want something in common BUT...
And you won't hear this very often or from anyone who is not willing to tell you like it is:
Most guys don't actually care about that stuff at all and if they say they do, they're not telling you the whole truth.
Lots of men are just not into having a stimulating conversation with a woman as much as you'd like to believe. You could talk the whole night and have him barely say a word and if he's into you, interested, attracted, or whatever - it won't matter much at all.
Now I'm NOT saying it's all sexual or physical to a guy and that's why it doesn't matter - what I'm pointing out is that...
Men believe the women talk, they listen. Men don't decide their interest based on what you do for a living, who you know, what you're wearing, how big or small your tits are, or yes whether there was some "awkward silences" on the date.
Sure, you'll get a few who "claim" that was an issue or will fight me every step of the way but a guy first of all:
Doesn't decide to feel attraction - it just happens.
Bases his REAL interest in a woman by how she makes him feel during the connection. (Which can happen without a "figurative" word being said the entire night.)
Third... let me let you in on a little secret about men...
They're ALWAYS busy. They ALWAYS "got" some going on.
If a man is living any kind of life he's doing something.
What matters as far as interest or attraction is really about IF he makes time for you and/or how much time he's willing to set aside for you.
Guys will lose days of sleep to spend time with a woman they're madly in love, like, or lust for.
Guys will break laws, get in fights, disown their whole family, go into debt and literally broke... for a woman they're into just that much.
Unless they rarely work, never go out, have no life and family, they're always going to be "busy" to a woman they're not feeling it for.
If you give a guy every reason to want to see you again, to have him feel compelled to be with you, to send his mind racing, wondering, feeling urgent because he believes some other guy's going to snatch you up right underneath him....
Suddenly he finds time for you.
Suddenly he's rearranging his schedule for YOU.
Meet the "wrong" guy and he's so far up your ass it makes YOU want to run and avoid his constant messages.
Don't get me wrong.
There are times when a guy's life is not structured enough to fit you in and quite honestly, if you're meeting men who don't know how to take care of the simple details of life, like finding time for other people outside of work, then I'm going to say:
Start looking elsewhere because those guys probably have very little control of their life and fitting you in, means keeping you waiting... and waiting... and waiting even more.
Now... let's take an unusual turn here. This next part if VERY important in your dating life.
He told you he thought you were attractive. Cool.
BUT did he SHOW you?
Did he make YOU feel attractive?
It doesn’t sound like it at all.
He kissed you and set up a date while on the second one BUT flaked out, canceled, and barely got in touch with you after a week or two.
You sent him a text, after the second date, asking “how he was” and it took him a half-day to get back to you.
He cancelled the date via a text message and said we should catch up sometime soon because he’s kind of busy.
He said he would call but he didn’t.
Aside from all that "stuff" above - that is NOT HOW you make someone feel attractive. A guy can say it all he wants BUT if he's not showing it (beyond just trying to kiss you) then you MUST take a deeper look into the guy you're dating AND definitely consider YOUR side as much if not more than it being HIS decision to date you or not.
Can you get where I'm coming from?
Why should HIS interest be the deciding factor in your life, where you go from here, especially if all he's doing is making you feel uninteresting, left out, and confused.
Don’t settle for a compliment or a prelude to a kiss.
EXPECT the right guy is not going to leave you around “wondering” what happened, he will make you FEEL attractive through his actions and how he treats you.
LIVE YOUR LIFE and don't sit around wondering when he's going to call or IF he's interested.
Don't get yourself all out of whack waiting around for him and any other guy to decide for you something YOU have an equal share in.
My point is...
Dating is a two-way street.
If a guy is interested and attracted to you and wants to continually date you, it's partly his "deal" or responsibility to make you feel great about yourself BUT it's also on YOU to believe and feel attractive and interesting despite what he says or does.
Yes... I firmly believe you're pushing it with this guy. You're overly concerned. You're acting urgent which could easily come off as needy and a little desperate.
It almost feels like you're life is revolving HIS actions and not your own life which to a better guy (not sure if he is one or not) will only feel like you're not a challenge, you're chasing him, and therefore giving him every reason or excuse to just sit back and let YOU do all the work.
Which doesn't attract better men - it only opens you up to be used, played, easily forgotten, and left in a constant state of asking way too many questions and what it all means.
All this simply means:
If you feel a guy is not showing the right interest in you...
If you feel a guy is only leaving you confused with more questions than answers....
If you feel a guy is not setting aside a reasonable amount of time and putting in some kind of (reasonable) effort to get together...
You've got things pretty much covered on YOUR end (mind you this one is equally and EXTREMELY important) ...
Then when he doesn't get back to you or slowly disappears do NOT contact him just because you're curious, or because you need closure, or because you're more concerned with if he liked you or not, do NOT contact him ever again and be done with it.
Get out and immediately start dating several other men.
It appears you have a ton of anxieties, a little insecurity going on when it comes to men, you're not acting sure of yourself, you're letting some guy decide things for you and my BEST advice I can give you is to get some "free therapy" (no - its technically not free) by using something which takes care of all that for you and it's called:
It's written by the wonderful Rori Raye (here's her free Have The Relationship You Want Newsletter)and it works perfectly for situations like your and lots more too because the "free therapy" she talks about helps to alleviate all of anxiety and insecurity while at the same time gets you into circular dating so you're out there meeting and dating lots of guys.
PLUS she'll show you how to really connect with a guy so you'll never be left wondering or guessing if some guy has lost interest in you or didn't find anything in common.
Give it a try - More Info on Circular Dating - Targeting Mister Right.
UPDATE - Liz left a follow up message which I've deleted from the original post and added along with my follow up advice.
Thank you so much for answering my question. I was blown away when I saw that you had written a whole article on it!
You're the best!!
I want to follow up on what I had written as I thought you might be interested to know how things have developed and I am hoping you may give me more insight into this guy.
So I ended up making a decision to send the guy a quick sms, before that week ended, as I was making myself mad thinking about when and if he would contact me.
At the risk of being seen as needy or desperate, I had to do it for my sanity.
I don't think he would have contacted me otherwise. But to my surprise, after a few sms exchanges, he suggested that we could catch up if I liked. So I agreed and we had another 'date' which went well and I feel like we got closer than last time and we had a good time.
But again I haven't heard from him since then.
Is it too much to expect an sms from a guy in between dates just to say 'hi, hows it going?'.
Is it a sign of wavering interest or uncertainty?
I feel that he likes me and is interested in me when we are together however I have doubts when I don't hear from him and there is no contact afterwards.
I agree with you 100% that I am just doubting myself when I question a guy's interest in me. But when a guy is 'passive-aggressive' I don't know what to think.
I definitely don't want to wait around for him to decide either, I just can't work out if something is there or not, which stops me from just forgetting about him.
I like this guy and want there to be something and this keeps me on the edge hoping for his next move.
I also get the feeling that he dates a lot of women because he said he has been 'dating' but not in a serious relationship for some time.
How do I know if he considers me as just another date or if he is interested in dating me?
If I see him again how do I put it to him that I am only interested in seeing him if he is interested in dating me exclusively?
How do I ask him if he is dating anyone else in a way that does not make me sound insecure?
Can I even ask a guy that question without sounding like I don't trust him?
Hello again Liz and you're welcome and thank you,
Let's look quickly at what you wrote, "At the risk of being seen as needy or desperate, I had to do it for my sanity."
First - you must admit that if your sanity is reliant on if a guy is getting back to you or not - THAT is an issue which can not be overlooked. You're giving him way too much power over you. You're letting him control you, your actions, and your sanity.
There is no real risk in being seen as needy or desperate, it's a MISTAKE and one which must be avoided by, of course, not BEING needy or desperate.
There is no trying (not) to be that way. The simple way of avoiding that mistake is gaining security, confidence, self-belief, focusing on your life and not letting it be controlled by someone else's actions, and of course a little more.
Think about what you called a "risk". What are you really risking? Risk generally implies a reward. You take a greater risk to gain a bigger reward.
However in your case - where's the reward? What do you have to gain from taking it? The outcomes are - he's sees you as being needy or desperate already OR now he's starting to see you in that way. To me, that's a lose/lose situation.
Again - if your sanity relies on needing a closure or opening to something more then THAT is the real issue here and not whether he gets back to you or leaves you dangling on a string.
Second - what's going on with this guy has gone past being seen as needy or desperate.
What he is experiencing is a woman determined to chase him and not be the challenge ALL men need.
This is why he's taking his time. This is why he isn't bothering to message you on your terms. He knows you're going to message him constantly and continually. The pattern is set.
He gets to do (whatever) and you'll come back around.
His words said it all, "But to my surprise, after a few sms exchanges, he suggested that we could catch up if I liked."
"HE" suggested that you two could catch up if YOU liked - which from my perspective just another way of saying:
"I'll let you keep chasing me, maybe I'll get something out of it. You're doing all the work and I'm okay with that... for now. BUT I'm not saying it's MY choice which means I'm not really at all interested in THIS anymore. BUT... since you're stroking my Ego and letting do what I want - I'll (let) you do all the work and continue to chase me until it starts to get on my nerves or I'm able to get something out of this exchange."
“Men love to pursue you. Let him chase you. Create the right space so he can come to you. Men like to feel like they’re winning you over. Stop doing and start being. Allow him to progress naturally. He won’t think you’re not interested. If he’s attracted to you he will not stop because you’re not showering him with love.” - Rori Raye.
You asked, "Is it too much to expect an sms from a guy in between dates just to say hi, hows it going?"
In this case, unfortunately... YES it is. The explanation above says it all. He's not going to push forward because he knows you're chasing him. He's not given any real incentive or challenge to bother - so why would he?
I can hear your anger and frustration in your question. It's quite clear to me. Imagine how clear it is to him through your actions.
The cold hard truth sucks - I know it does - but it's pushing him away. It's just not attractive communication nor is it effective.
In his eyes - after a few dates, you're coming off to him as a nagging wife and NO real respectable man will respond favorably to that form of communication.
You then asked, "Is it a sign of wavering interest or uncertainty?"
IT being no contact in between.
Normally, no it's not but in this case YES it is.
What was explained above is now what's happening. He's lost the interest and is now (sort of) enjoying being chased... for now.
You then said, "I agree with you 100% that I am just doubting myself when I question a guy's interest in me. But when a guy is 'passive-aggressive' I don't know what to think."
Go back over your short history with this guy. He had to cancel a date and didn't get back to you as quick as you liked but then tried to make it up to you.
That is NOT passive-aggressive behavior.
If he's acting that way now - it's because, as noted above several times, he feels like he's being chased and not challenged appropriately and attractively.
Now... if you "definitely don't want to wait around for him to decide" then WHY are you?
Obviously you're not just going to forget about him. The feelings will linger for a while.
BUT what's done is done and the strongest BEST possible thing you can take away from all this is a great LESSON in dating.
Gather your strength - use it, and just say goodbye and never look back.
How do you know if he considers you as just another date or if he is interested in dating you?
Easy - because he'll pursue you and chase you just enough. He'll be slightly pro-active. He'll MAKE things happen.
Which could've happened but unfortunately didn't because of everything covered in this follow up and a little more.
If you see him again how do you put it to him that you are only interested in seeing him if he is interested in dating you exclusively?
You don't. Dating (real dating) doesn't work that way. You can't go back and start again.
That was something that needed to be shared early on and it must be done through attractive communication.
AND if you only want to date a man who will only date you exclusively until both decides if it working or not, then that is up to you to find a man who feels and believes the same thing.
Not all men are okay with that but lots still are and sharing that commonality must be agreed early on OR you click the "next" button in your head without getting stuck trying to make a man conform to your beliefs just because you like him and want him to be that way.
It doesn't work that way.
However - there are lots of different technique and communication strategies and attractive skills you can bring to your dating table early on with a guy who'll make him FEEL like he's okay with it and he'll gladly accept it as something HE came up with BUT again - that needs to happen when you're FIRST interacting with a guy.
How do you ask him if he is dating anyone else in a way that does not make you sound insecure?
Again - you're already past that point.
My personal thoughts are - know and learn his type immediately.
Assume if he's a type one - he's most likely seeing other women BUT, as suggested above, my advisement to most women is to make sure YOU are seeing other guys too.
I'm not just promoting Circular Dating - Targeting Mister Right for the money, BUT because I believe it WORKS amazingly well and you can easily avoid so much of what you've been through with this man IF you practiced it before you met him.
So it's not too late now to start a new more excitable and beneficial dating life.
You can safely assume that if he's a type two - that he's either not capable of dating several women at once but is also not that interested in it.
Can you even ask a guy that question (dating other women) without sounding like you don't trust him?
Sure you can. It only becomes a matter of trust if it's put to him in a way which sounds like you're accusing him of (sort of) cheating on you.
This not a TRUST question - it's simply a matter of learning the all-important attractive communication.
As always - the solution is longer than that direct answer and since you're interested and should be practicing attractive communication - once again, Rori can help you in that area with:
It covers situations like this and so much more so you'll know EXACTLY how to ask any guy, ANY question you want which will bring him closer and not push him away. (Unless he's seriously not right for you anyways.)
Honestly speaking.... I have yet to master the HOW in matters like this and I'm still working out my own unique angle in all this. I'm great at the why and reading situations with a strange yet astounding precision, but the WHY has been so well done by the people I suggest - it's just not my "thing" at the moment.
If you're not interested in "circular dating" for whatever your reasons are then Love Scripts for Dating will certainly help you how to communicate (and ask) whatever you like to the men you're dating in such a way it actually makes the MORE attracted to you.
However - based on what I've read of you so far - I still feel the first suggestion (Circular Dating - Targeting Mister Right) will help you so much better because it can help you past these feelings you're getting around this guy and I'm positive it's also happened to you before and will continue to dictate (and control) your dating life until you DO something about it.
Liz - I gave you a rule in dating in the beginning to follow to help you out. I trust now you're more than willing to follow it:
NEVER text a guy after HE took YOU out on a date.
It's not a hard-coded rule but I feel in your situation it can and will help you.
So let me now add to that to round it all out.
Next (sort of) rule to follow:
If YOU are doing all the work, then it's NOT working.
The moment you come to the realization that it's not working and you find yourself chasing a guy, THAT is the moment I need you to STEP BACK and re-think your approach before you go on the same journey again.
Chasing a man is not something you ever want to do because you give all the power to the guy to do whatever he wants with you, you send yourself spiraling into all the meaning behind everything he does, AND it's just not a real attractive challenge to ANY man worth dating.
I do hope you've taken all the with the kindest of heart. This advice doesn't come easy - to give or to take and that's something I understand from first hand experience.
BEFORE you do anything else with him or any guy, check out my recommendations for you, learn about the two types of guys, and use this experience to set a whole new direction for yourself and all your future dating experiences.
I think you'll like this approach much better, more attractive, and you'll find a quiet mind to think it all through with which means you'll enjoy it so much more than you could ever imagine.
- Image by Bruce Mars.
- Circular Dating - Targeting Mister Right - Product info.
- Love Scripts for Dating - Product info.
- Rori Raye - Have The Relationship You Want Free Newsletter.
- Recommended post from Rori Raye - Are You Stopping Him From Falling For You? Let Him Chase You!