You said a few things which stood out for me, “but there is such an attraction between us” and “I’m awful at reading guys”

Now normally this would confuse most men. Luckily I’m far from normal.

Go with your first intuition. If you’re feeling something – he’s bound to feel it too. If you go with your uncertainty he may begin to feel confused and uncertain himself.

This means stop questioning every word and scrutinizing the deeper meaning behind them. You’ll only drive yourself crazy and soon find yourself “fishing” for more when you should be… going along for the ride.

My opinion is the “ride” thing. Keep him as your builder. It’s a safe relationship which is working.

That way you can be close without attempting something else which could easily jeopardize his relationship with his girlfriend.

My idea is to stay in his life without crossing certain boundaries because this may be a long-term investment. You don’t want him to leave her and suddenly find yourself in his arms.

You have to accept the best possible route is allow his life to work out the best he sees fit and then slowly introduce more.

Avoid being his break-up girl. Rebounds are real and rarely last positively.

And Debbie – I see nothing wrong with liking a guy who is in a relationship as long as you have no previous liking for only men ho are involved.

It’s not something you control. It just happens. You can stop feeling bad and start feeling good of what you both are sharing. (And you’re getting a job done by a guy who is probably going to put in a little more effort than most. Can’t beat that )

Thanks for sharing your truths Debbie,

Pete

I’d love to try to help you…

I don’t have too much information to go by but it just feels like the timing wasn’t there.

He was probably looking for more of a support thing than a long-lasting relationship. It’s unfortunate it lasted that long and it saddens me to say, he may have been considering its end, long before he just disappeared.

I imagine for some people it’s hard to leave someone who was “there” when he needed someone the most. It’s even tougher when that person happens to be you.

I will also mention seeing someone “on and off” typically one or both are seeing other people throughout the whole thing. In that case he has probably seen other women. In a rare case having you see him like that, mixed with fact you were there for him at such an emotional time, you were friends who became intimate which complicated the situation… probably means he was/is too scared of facing you because of it.

And so – he slithers away “hoping” things will take care of themselves.

We all know how that works don’t we? It doesn’t and usually leaves one person hurt for a very very unnecessarily long time.

In that strange sense, consider yourself lucky for not ending up with a guy who didn’t show the “strength” or balls to face you. To be there for you with at least the truth.

Thanks for writing in Paula and I do hope I’ve helped you a little,

Pete

After 13 years of nothing a guy you used to date contacted you. He found you on Facebook. He told you he always liked you. You’ve been texting and talking for 5 months almost every day. He’s answered most of your emails and text except for a few…

Lately he seems a little distant and you “practically” accuse him of ignoring you on purpose – so you’ll like him even more.

Your plan then is to start ignoring him. Hoping he’ll react (positively?)

Yes Anne. There is a possibility the long distance is not working for him. So slowly over time he may in fact disappear, cutting the contact down until it’s practically nothing.

But I’m warning you – playing the “ignore him” game will only make the relationship seem even more distant to him.

I wish I could alleviate your stress. I understand how long distant relationships can be kind of blind. How you just don’t know “things” because you’re not physically around the person you love. And making accurate assessments of what’s going on with him can be like a guessing game.

I understand how you’re always left to wonder…

However you must trust his actions so far, have proven to be favoring you above all these obstacles before both of you.

What you’re in is a complex situation and you must understand “that” is going to cause your mind to wonder like never before. One small word or action on his part can send your mind running scenarios which are based on your past and present experiences with ALL men. You will project these images and find every reason to believe them.

I’m sorry to say I can not possibly tell you exactly what’s happening in his mind.

But I can say – communicate trust – don’t make the situation more complex than it already is – and understand men have a funny way of revealing their feelings but they are obvious.

If he’s looking forward to seeing you again AND is making plans to make it happen, then I suggest you focus on making sure that meeting is not hindered by ignoring him, hoping he’ll come running and giving you the attention you are seeking.

Listen… Men won’t always talk about their feelings. We’re very strict on what they are and rarely are they ever more complicated. Once they’re said, unless something changes, we might not feel the need to talk about them for a given period.

You tell him you miss him and he responds positively. Which means he enjoys being missed. It kind of proves to him your devotion is true.

Try to stay away from thinking just becomes he’s not getting back to you every time you write he’s distancing himself. See for yourself and stay in the present.

Hoping November comes quickly for you,

Pete

His words, “Our relationship does not have clearly defined parameters” has him in a state of, (or in my words means) “I just can not wait any longer to DEFINE our parameters… Grrrr.”

He misses you girl. Be coy – tease him a little – and let the sparks fly as they will. I’m sure it’s exactly what he’s imagining being so far from you.

Thanks for the update. I appreciate it.

I wouldn’t feel used. Timing had a lot to do with it. I always stress the importance of “timing” when it comes to entering a relationship. Both parties must be on the same page if you know what I mean. Otherwise it’s doomed to be one-sided or fail at those critical times.

Both of you seem to have a different concept of what love is which would probably keep you both on different pages.

And when you think about it, a man who “needs” a woman by his side who is not willing or aware enough of you to know when you need support too – is a hard page to partner with for a fulfilling relationship.

His words, “It does seem we partnered for a time to work out our unfinished business” kind of says it all. Doesn’t it?

I’m sure your sadness will soon dissipate. But please be sure to avoid following it with regret.

Wishing you the best,

Pete

Update:
He has been gone a little over a month now and we communicate via e-mail regularly (every week, sometimes more). I received an e-mail from him a few days ago in response to one of my emails and I would appreciate your feedback. I am seeking to understand his message to me. A part of me thinks I understand but I would like your input (honest guy’s point of view) to determine whether I am on the right track or totally out in left-field.

His Email: You are special to me. I tell myself this very often and recently even more so. I feel quite lonely here. There are many friendly people here, don’t get me wrong, but making a quality friend is rare. Especially harder when I’m just learning a language. Please know that everything we have together I value dearly. I know you will be in my life for a long time and that gives me a very complete feeling. Our relationship does not have clearly defined parameters, but it was not casual. It is strong and wonderful. Remember I only said “see you later”. You may see me sooner than you expect:-)

I truly appreciate your input and look forward to your response.
Islandgirl

It’s great to hear things are working out for both of you.

One note – I don’t think it’s entirely wrong to share your insecurities. It can come down to how you’re doing it, when you do it, how they make you feel or the most important thing – How you handle them.

Men, again at certain times, do want to hear about them. It makes them feel special. It shows you trust them with your inner thoughts.

Glad you stumbled by. You’re welcome.