I have a question. (…)
There is a guy that I’ve talked to off and on for several years and we met in culinary school. We have been just texting now. Most of the time we are just sexting. There is definitely an attraction I don’t if it is just one sided. A long time ago I told him I was starting to have feelings for him that honestly were like relationship feelings not just a simple hook up. His response was and I quote “I think about you all the time Rachel”. But nothing more was ever done or said. This has been really confusing to me. He acts like he is in to me and it’s not all sexual but then it’s like when say something about you know having feelings for him he kind of acts like a jerk. I told him a few months ago about my son who I recently just had with someone else and he just like stopped texting but not like abruptly. I texted him goodnight and he responded but he just hasn’t ever reached out to me since then which is unusual. I am not sure what to make of all this obviously I still have those feelings and I am coming to you hoping maybe you can provide me with some answers so maybe I can move on or maybe idk just do something.
Guys will continue sexting or text a woman (or women) for a very long time with no intention to turn it into a relationship.
I did it myself and I can only assume the women I was doing it with understood and knew I was not interested in something more. This is based on our interactions AND by the fact they would rarely (if ever) bring up the “feelings” or the “relationship” talk. When they would bring it up it was clearly conveyed to them nothing else was going to happen and that we were just screwing around and having fun. Sexually or not.
Men, again, will remain sexually attached to a woman even if they’re not getting anything real for as long as necessary and it’s not always because they don’t want something more.
Sometimes it is because they’re waiting for the next step FIRST before any relationship or the deeper feelings talk comes up… Which is doing things together and going out on dates.
Bringing up those kind of feelings before, or too early, or when he’s not feeling the same tends to put off a lot of men.
Here is what I see.
When you mentioned you were having feelings for him, immediately he sees it as the beginning of the dating or courtship phase which he was not clearly interested in or ready for.
If his intentions was to date and take you out or start doing things, he would’ve done it by now.
Even the least confident man (who is ready, willing, and capable) would find a way to get you out and off the phone to prove to you and himself, he was considering a relationship option and to see if you two were compatible.
His response, “I think about you all the time…” was purposely vague because he did not want to ruin the chances of a possible sexual encounter.
In my male mind he simply meant, “But I want to have sex with you…”
This was his immature way to keep you “on the hook” without divulging his real intentions because in his mind could easily scare you away and ruin it for him.
Based on THIS context, because context is ALWAYS very important next to character, when a man says he’s thinking about you all the time, it has a double meaning.
First – it means “I’m thinking about you sexually… a lot.” and two – “I’m not feeling the same way you are because if I did, after you told me you were feeling it, I would have said it back. So I’ll just say I’m thinking about you and let you think or believe what it means because I don’t want to screw up this casual thing.”
The context is what is said or done and the character of who the man really is and NOT who he claims or wants to be.
His character for now, is based on what he’s actually DOING or how he’s ACTING.
He acts like a jerk when you brought up feelings because to him, it’s just a delay to get what he wants. Now he feels he has to weed through all your emotional stuff first and get frustrated and doesn’t know how to handle the situation. Acting like a jerk is his way of avoiding the truth or telling you the truth.
To him, it might even feel like when he gets close, you cock-block him and put up another barrier.
The fact that he’s putting this much effort doesn’t surprise me BUT it does tell me how desperate he might be or how hard it is for him to just have casual sex making him again, act like an immature ass and not a real man.
At this point it really makes no difference that it’s not all sexting or sexual but to him, he probably feels like he has to “do it” to keeps things going and not ruin his chances of finally sleeping with you.
If you’ve already slept together then he wants it again and will continue on this path until he feels he has had enough.
The end game happened when you mentioned your child.
NOW he’s realizing a relationship is all you’re really interested in AND it includes a child which is not his AND he’s finally ready to “toss in the towel” and give up slowly and grudgingly because, based on what I see, he’s still hoping he’ll get something out of it because he’s put in all this time with you.
A sad case – but unfortunately a little too real and very common.
Okay, let’s get very real here.
I’m going to give you an inside look into how we (men) think or MIGHT be thinking during all this. It could be wrong because I’m not inside his head but it’s plausible on many levels and feel you would want to hear it.
When you mentioned your child…
As a guy, we can easily think, not only is this more of an investment than initially planned. Maybe you haven’t slept together yet. You’ve just fooled around and now he’s thinking “She sleeps with someone else and develops feelings for me! Maybe we haven’t met up yet because of the child. The child she had with another guy while talking to me all along.”
Obviously I don’t know the whole story of your situation. It’s easy for me to assume some things but this also gives you insight into how quickly a guy can think differently or see things which are either not there, or are there which you didn’t see.
I also don’t know why you two have not met up yet for a date making me believe he’s also wondering why.
If it’s him, and he’s not moving forward, then his lack of confidence or unwillingness to move forward tells me he’s just not that into dating you.
If it’s you who has held out, then the thoughts above are how a guy reacts to your news.
Thinking back to my “nice guy” days if this happened to me I’d go off the deep end. Immediately my mind assumes everything and none of it’s good. For example,
“Bet he’s a jerk. She sleeps with him and makes me wait. Maybe she was holding back because she was pregnant and using me as a somewhat friend she might be interested in now – now that she has a child. If not, doesn’t matter – she gives it to him and not me – when all I did was be nice to her. Now I don’t know what to do – guess I’ll just be angry and quiet because I obviously can NOT tell her what I’m REALLY thinking. I’m too nice!!! But wait, maybe there’s hope. Who knows. I still want closure. I still want sex – I think. Maybe I’ll just avoid her slowly and this whole thing will go away.”
There you have it… all of it.
No advice here, just some truths to help you figure out what happened so you can move on with a little more knowledge than before you came to me and why do guys.
All the best and hope this little inside private look into how men think can help you out.