Way back when, and this is going to sound unbelievable so you just have to trust me... BUT attracting or understanding women was not my thing. Since the personal side of dating tends to overflow to online, finding a woman through the internet is equally if not even MORE difficult.
You'll find most guys are like that too. Messaging a woman on some match site and then meeting up is not exactly the easiest thing. Especially if you are clueless on the opposite sex. (Granted it's not easy for you either but we're talking about dudes here so please wait before you comment your terrible dates below.)
It's an experience most guys dread going through because of the pressure, being unsure of what's going to happen, not knowing who is really going to show up, and in lots of guys cases - they feel the need to build themselves up because they want you to like them AND agree to meet with them in a public place.
Long ago I planned a date with a woman I met online and it was awful. Sure we connected online. We shared the same sense of humor. We "appeared" to have a lot in common. Enough for me to set up a date at least.
This was exciting because after years of searching, yes... years, I finally managed to get a real date out of it. I was one of those "honest" guys. Put up a real picture. Didn't lie. Didn't make myself out to be something more than I was.
And as a guy, I believed that's what women wanted and being me, wanted to her like the real me. (Yes, I KNOW - the nerve of me.)
So we met up at one of my favorite restaurants and at first sight, she looked pretty cool. (Ahem ahem yeah right!) ... It was dreadfully awful. She didn't smile. She didn't greet me nicely. She didn't laugh at any of my jokes like she did online and I'm a pretty funny guy. She didn't even finish her meal yet, of course managed to grab a doggy bag for later. (Who knows, maybe she was trying to feed her extended family on my dime.)
It was devastating because it felt like she didn't try at all.
Not needless to say when I got home she had already left me a message,
"I'm sorry. You're not who I thought you were. We shouldn't see each again."
Which I responded with, "Okay." like the foolish overly nice I was.
Yes - I did lots of things wrong and going into what I did wrong doesn't apply much to this article so I won't get into it.
It felt like she took one look at me and immediately decided - I'm not attracted to this guy. Even though my pictures were more than real.
As if she couldn't tell from my photos?!
First reason why a guy won't show up: He doesn't think you're going to find him physically attractive.
You see - this is the MAN'S experience. This is WHY (just like you feel), there's so much pressure to match up on the first date when you first meet online.
Whether a guy experiences something like that or not - you'll find several more reasons why a guy won't even show up for the first date. Mine is just one example of making it harder to show up for another date, among other reasons of course.
Second reason he might not show up: Online competition is greater than it "appears to be" for women. He feels like he has to embellish himself to stand out from all the other guys.
You'll find lots of guys build themselves up because online competition is so much greater for guys than it is in real life. We understand women treat our profile with less regard because it's so easy and convenient to click NEXT without even reading through it.
Men also believe that men outnumber women through dating sites making it very difficult for their message to get through to her or be seen.
However, according to What Is the Ratio of Men to Women on Dating Sites? - statistics show that on certain sites women outnumber men and other sites, men outnumber women. The margin being very small.
I'll let you guess which sites are more populated by men. (Ahem ahem... hook up sites.)
Men are wrong here but it still doesn't erase how it feels to guys AND the fact that women tend to be much more selective online because it's still all too easy to click NEXT.
Third reason he might decide not to show up: You're doing the same thing and he's scared of who is actually going to show up.
We also realize that the women is putting her best assets forward. Lots of women are only going to highlight their best features, best angles on her photos, and will avoid mentioning how crazy they might be. (Although I've seen some profiles women put up which were - ah yeah - wow! Why?!!!)
AND we assume you are better at doing it then we are.
We have no real way of knowing who (or what) is going to show up.
"A study of over 1,000 online daters in the US and UK(...) A total of 53% of US participants admitted to having lied in their online dating profile. Women apparently lied more than men, with the most common dishonesties being about looks. Over 20% of women posted photos of their younger selves. But men were only marginally better. Their most common lies revolved around their financial situation, specifically, about having a better job (financially) than they actually do. More than 40% of men indicated that they did this, but the tactic was also employed by nearly a third of women."
Combine the heavy competition, the pressure being more on the guy because guys believe you can find so many more dates online than they can, planning the actual date, getting you to like them back, now knowing who will actually show up, (it's very easy to be "catfished") and what you end up with is a lot of guys who PRETEND to be something than they actually are not and showing up means - having to live up to the expectations we put out.
Fourth reason why a guy might blow you off: They have so much more time to message you back giving them time to perfect their response.
This fact is indisputable when it comes to men and online dating:
With the right pictures, some clever profile writing, and most importantly lots TIME to think about what we're going to message is by far easier than ever doing it in real life.
And this is not even counting how much easier it is to approach a woman online because on an internet dating site - you're actually there to FIND a date.
However when it comes time for the actual date, they realize all the good things must happen in "real-time" with an actual person.
When a guy realizes he has to "perform" in real-time - and doesn't feel confident to do so, his fears will cause him to think twice and not show up.
Fifth reason he's seemed so into you and then doesn't even bother to arrive at the date: You were practice. An easy means to justify his ends.
When I started learning about what it means to be an attractive guy and attract women, using the internet was a great way to practice for real interactions. It's all too easy when you screw up just to try something or someone different. Meaning we can hone our skills through the internet and outside that - it takes a lot longer AND it's more difficult.
On the side - he understands if you don't really know him, it's makes it so much easier to just not show up with no ramification.
Guys don't show up for that first date for all those reasons and more.
Let's run through them quickly and add some more to the list:
- They can not live up to what they built themselves up to be.
- They're afraid YOU won't be who you made yourself out to be either.
- They're not even close to who they said they were. Making yourself out to be someone better is one thing BUT totally lying happens and this might be the case. In other words they're totally fake.
- They never intended to show up anyways. You were either used as practice, an Ego boost, or some guy looking to play online dating just the same as they would play a video game. Yeah, I know, sad but it happens.
- They freaked out, got too nervous, and have little confidence in themselves to attract you. Remember it's easier to appear more confident online but in person, they realize they still have to believe you're going to be attracted to them. Which brings up...
- They are convinced, without a doubt, you will not be physically attracted to them. One look in the mirror before they go is enough for them to say "Fuck it! She doesn't know where I live anyways and we'll never see each other so I have nothing to lose.."
- They're married or have a girlfriend and couldn't go through with it and like above, probably never intended to go through with it anyways.
Men aside, granted this is "Why Do Guys...?" - online dating is tough for both people.
With so much pressure added to meeting someone in person (making it feel like a blind date), it's not at all surprising that anyone who dates online for an extended period will eventually get stood up at least once... man or woman.
Feel free to share your personal online experiences below so we can all laugh a little at OUR misfortune, and learn something too.
You can or will soon realize that here at Why Do Guys I don't give much advice on getting or attracting a man online. Maybe that will change later, maybe it won't - I suppose it depends on YOU and what you're looking for more than it's a choice of mine.
While I DO have a ton of experiences with the online dating stuff and can give you the complete MALE perspective, beyond that:
IF you find guys are not showing up for their dates as often as you'd like...
IF you only seem to be having bad experiences online...
You're only meeting the WRONG types of guys and you know full-well the "men" I'm talking about...
If you're just not having any REAL success through internet dating then here's a little something that can really help you out:
It's produced by Evan Marc Katz who has had a ton of experience himself with online dating and can show you ALL his secrets.
I've looked at a few other products such as Finding Love Online and Online Allure and while they do offer something unique and decent - they just don't seem to go as far as Evan's does and so I feel he's risen to the top of my recommendations.
You can take his dating quiz and sign up to his newsletter right here if you just want to get to know him a little better.
I'm not going to get into all the details - he's built a page to tell you his side - just offering my opinion and a place to go when you feel frustrated over men not showing up for your date, or when he does show up he's not nearly what you expected, OR if you're not having any luck online at all.
That's all for today - hope you learned something about men today and as always - leave your opinion or experience below and make sure you sign up to my lovely newsletter below.