I was talking to a friend last week and we were discussing you…
Well maybe not you personally 🙂 but women in general.
He confided in me that his girlfriend of many years was great. She was always there for him. Supportive. Great in bed. Independent. Fun. Nurturing.
But then he looked at me and clearly stated,
“But I don’t love her.”
He looked down and was clearly disappointed.
It made him feel guilty. Almost like he was disappointing her.
I’m not sure if she would’ve been okay with hearing that. I know him very well and I’ve assumed he’s never said it to her – you know just to appease her.
The thing is, they’re happy together. They found each other. They both have lived a complete life, children marriage and all, and are both now in a position to enjoy themselves in what is commonly known as their “golden years.”
Well after he listened to me for a while he finally popped the question,
“Why do you think I don’t love her?”
And then even a bigger question,
“What do you think love is?”
I reasoned it all for a second and then came out with my gut reaction because honestly I’m a guy and believe it or not we just don’t think about that kind of stuff very often.
“Well she seems like a great nurturer. And even though she can never replace your wife (she passed away way too early long ago) she, from what I know of her, doesn’t seem to challenge you enough. She gives and gives and gives, and of course she knows how to give it to him straight when he’s being an ass… but it’s like she’s making it too easy on you.”
You see even when his past wife admitted he “had” her when they got married and raised a family together… she still made him chase her.
She still expected him to live up to his own potential. She never let the slack go. She appealed to his very logical, analytical and strictly “neatish” ways but she always managed to challenge his creative side. Mind you without forcing it or being to over-bearing.
This whole thing made me think a little about love and what it means to a guy like me and probably lots of other men too. They just don’t think of it as much.
Here is what I came up with for you today…
Okay so we can all agree we’re not perfect.
We can also agree we have tendencies to be of a certain type.
Some believe our perfect mate will fill in those gaps and make us feel more perfect. I try to see it as “challenging our less than dominant tendencies” and as we grow and our tendencies shift, so does what we want to fulfill the word love by our own definition.
Now I do believe the more complete we are the more likely we’re to enter a mostly happy fulfilling relationship. Such as the guy above.
He’s lived a full life. He may not be complete in the literal sense of the word – but I bet he feels mostly complete which I suppose is part of the battle.
This “completeness” I talk about differs from our everyday tendencies.
One being more of an internal belief of true happiness (complete) and the other being how we externalize those beliefs.
Me – I’m a strange one to say the least. I’m very logical. Straight forward approach to problem solving. Yet I’ve always been regarded as being highly imaginative. Seemingly operating separately from my logical side.
I rarely logically deduce what my creative mind gives me. I also rarely break down the meanings of famous creative works.
I see what I see and never question how they came up with it. Just agree with myself that I enjoy it.
What I’ve given you is me “externalizing my beliefs.”
Therefore you can assume my perfect mate “someone I would say I love” would fill in those blanks where I tend to fail at constantly.
From that above you can see how hard it is for me to define love to a certain woman.
It would also make it harder for me to say it, unless I truly meant it.
It stands to reason my “perfect mate” is not given half a chance because I’ve accomplished (fairly) many of those areas for myself.
BUT Believe me it was not by choice.
You have to understand when a man goes long enough without a partner of any kind or any physical touch, AND he manages to stay sane 🙂 perhaps to maintain this “sanity” eventually he reaches all areas of discovery to appease the other half he was not so easily born with.
Luckily I finally found an area which solved the not finding a partner problem.
So whereas some men seclude themselves in their misery I just never stopped learning and seeking happiness for myself and to me, that meant being happy alone.
What I’m hoping you’ll take away from all this today, is not necessarily the definition of love every guy will admit, but more of why love can be such a fleeting thing to men.
Whether they are similar to me or not… To love another, they will seek out women who fill in their gaps.
If they confuse “completeness” with “external actions or trades” then they’re more likely to confuse the issue of love with so many other things.
Think of it this way.
If you’re a kind human being where does love fit when you say you would do anything for your mate?
That’s a loaded question for another time but for now we can assume kindness has no barriers. Chivalry or doing the right thing, or protecting those who are close to you because we can not protect those who are far, are things which are human.
Love not withstanding.
It’s my belief today, when you meet a man whose looking for a woman to complete him – you may have problems getting him to love you AND enjoying a fulfilling relationship.
However when you meet a man whose imperfections are not only adorable but are some things you just happen to be good at, you might find it much easier for him to express true love to you.
I understand we’ve covered a lot of stuff today.
I can definitely see how complicated this subject can be – especially for men.
It’s also clear how difficult it can be for men to express an emotion where most are trained from childhood is mainly a feminine role.
And I do hope we’ll get into all that very, very, soon.
Love Ya XOXOXO,
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