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First Date Confusion – He doesn’t Call You Back! Is He Interested?

in Dating
She expects him to call her if and only if he’s interested in seeing her again.

They went out Friday night after meeting off an internet dating site. He quickly mentions how he “doesn’t get on there much” and how they should exchange numbers.

She agrees and they text a few times before he says we should go out sometime very soon. She agrees and they set up a Friday night date.

He gets a kiss in the taxi and offers her a choice – “Call it a night or come up to his place to watch a movie.

She follows him to his apartment and within a short time is making out with her. She doesn’t allow any sex to happen and decides to call it an evening.

He texts her on the way home telling her to be safe. She texts him back. Then he mentions to stop texting because he doesn’t want her to get hurt and he’ll contact her soon.

A few days pass and since she hasn’t heard anything decides to text him, “thanking him for a good night out.”  He gets back to her after a few hours with something like you’re welcome and how he can not wait until the next time.

Now it’s Tuesday and she has not heard back from him. She just “happens” to notice he’s on the internet dating site even though he said he doesn’t get on there much.

She expects him to be seeing other women…”He’s a good-looking guy.” but doesn’t understand why he would say he isn’t on there a lot.

She believes he hasn’t called her because just maybe he thought he was going to get lucky and she didn’t let it happen. Maybe he moved on to an easier girl. Which doens’t make sense to her, she thinks, because why did he bother to make sure she got home okay and mentioning that he’d like to see her again.

He played it perfectly…he didn’t waste any time messaging back and forth and get her phone number quickly.  A very smart thing to do.

The only thing she bothered to mention was that he was “good-looking,”  made good eye contact and asked a lot of questions.

In other words she was probably “hot” for him. He made her feel comfortable enough (after only a few messages and one date) to go back up to his place.

Now what about her – she “notices” he’s online a few times. He doesn’t immediately get back to her so she starts to wonder if she’s being played. She can not wait for more than a few days before she comes up with any reason to message, “Oh yeah I forgot to thank you for the date…”

In other words she thought she found a perfectly good excuse to message him – but in reality she was more curious about why he didn’t instantly start acting like a boyfriend or some needy dude she’d probably run from.

Instantly she comes to the conclusion it was because she didn’t put out! Maybe he moved on to an easier girl because he was only interested in getting some and she refused to put out.

What kind of game could he possibly be playing?

Let’s see and please note the sarcasm – I won’t “crawl up her ass” and act like some needy guy. I’ll immediately show interest. Be confident by making good eye contact. I’ll find out more about her by asking lots of questions. I’ll show her quickly I’m not interested in a “just friendly” meeting so I’ll break the physical barrier almost immediately.

Both parties involved are doing what they should be doing – She’s testing the hell out of him hoping and trying to get him to reveal his hand. He’s passing them every step.

He’s getting to know her slowly and by not letting a few days become something more than it is. Just a few days. He’s keeping his options open by “probably” setting up more dates. He has a good-looking profile, a quick “get her on he phone” system, and nonchalantly mentioning he’s not much of an internet dater. Which whether she or any woman ever believes it or not – is out there anyways.

Then she wrote this,

“I definitely agree that I screwed things up by going up to his place. I was naive and didn’t want the night to end and didn’t bother thinking what my actions were saying. Dannnnng. I know in my gut that since he hasn’t called, he’s just not that into me. But sometimes a girl just needs to hear it said out loud by someone else. No worries! I won’t be contacting him in any form.

Sucks that I’ll never know what would’ve happened had I gone home that night immediately after our date instead. Guess this guy was just meant to be a lesson. Lesson learned! Thanks for the honesty.”

No call 48 hours after first date…not interested?!

She relates “him not calling” quick enough to him not being interested – in my opinion… NOT TRUE at all!

The fact is after one date you can not expect any man to suddenly start revolving around your world. And if he does you’ll pull back quicker saying how overly needy he is. Even if he’s good-looking.

She NEEDS to hear he likes her or doesn’t… He asked for a kiss, he asked to come back to his place, he said he’d like to see her again sometime…what more does she need to hear.

Then she calls him a lesson. How she won’t be contacting him in any form.

I don’t believe her. She’ll think about him probably a little too much. Not compulsively but enough. The open non-explained disappearance will without a doubt still make her wonder.

“Why do guys…?” Wait to call back after a first date, and why do men have dating rules?

People get busy and most of us run a life that’s full of things to do. If you take the absence personal, like he’s doing on purpose just to play a game, them those same players you’re trying to avoid – will not only drive you crazy, you’ll set yourself for constantly being stuck with a guy like that.

Overly needy men will give you exactly what you want. They will constantly tell you how interested they are in you. Mostly hoping you’ll like him back. He’ll worry you’re out with some other guy and text and phone you way too much right after you first meet. That is if he really likes you.

And you’re not going to feel anything for that type of guy very quickly because of it.

I know what you’re thinking – isn’t there a middle ground? Can’t I meet a guy who is interested just enough to not let me wait around to figure it out?

Nope. Because it’s too personal and because of that – it’s just best not to take it personally. His middle ground is probably different than yours and until you really get to know him, you’re only going to assume what it means based on your perspective.

If you’re always busy you assume others are probably busy too and you have no time to even consider it.

If you have lots of time on your hands then you have more time to think about it. And it will seem longer to you than it does to someone else.

It’s a matter of personal perspective.

Does it really mean we’re just not interested?

It’s not 100% that just because a man does not contact you as quickly as you’d like is not a guarantee he’s not interested.

Quality men (and I use that term loosely) are NOT going to come out and say it early on but the signs are always there…

  • He asked for a kiss.
  • He asked you to come back to his place.
  • He said he’d like to see your again.

All signs he’s interested.

Never expect a guy to consider a relationship of any kind in one or two weeks – because, and I know you already know this – those are the guys you don’t want anyways.

You yourself are displaying signs of neediness which is always an “attraction” killer. So naturally you would expect him to do the same.

When a guy doesn’t call you immediately after a first date – don’t take it personal. Yes some guys who are not interested will fade into the night never to be seen again, some guys are only looking for a quick lay…

But MOST highly sought-out men are dating a few women at once and are only living their lives. They have no need to immediately contact a woman after just one date. They have no need to advertise their interest because they know things take time. They have no urgency to get her as quickly as humanly possible.

What really got me, and probably caused me to write all this, was the mostly lame responses she received telling her he was a player. How she was being played and should feel grateful she didn’t sleep with him. How it was such a huge mistake to go back to his place only after one night.

Could he be a player – quite possibly yes. But it’s just as likely he’s not.

The absolute truth about our “dating rules” is –  They are there because some men DO have a need problem. They do need to step back and give women space. Some men don’t and thus only follow their lives the best they can without any dating rules.

If she doesn’t her back from him at all, for a couple weeks or more, then yes it’s almost definite he’s not interested in her at all.

If he calls back drunk after that time – then he either just wanted sex and remembered you – or he’s feeling bad because he really liked you but got scared.

The best way to tell if a man is truly interested in you:

To tease him a little, have fun with him, offer a little and have him “work” if he wants more.

Be a challenge.

Be his challenge.

And those high quality men will show their interest by paying very close attention to you in every sense of the word.

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Peter White. Just some guy every woman should get to know because, well I “think” like a guy. 🙂 Stay in touchnewsletter, Why Do Guys Facebook – Twitter @peterwhite125Thanks for stopping by and be good, be bad, just BE something.

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26 comments… add one
  • Jasmin

    Thank you so much for writing this! This exact situation just happened to me! Exactly! And I already took the step to shoot a text saying that I had a good time on our date…next step, me writing him off. Thanks to you, I will be more patient and maybe not ruin something that could be great!

    • Peter White

      You’re welcome Jasmin -great to hear.

  • kiki

    Hi…. well my guy after our first date never msg me back…and after one month that is on valentine msg me wishing me n says he misses n loves me… then nothing….so now what…. be patient or move on….need help

    • Peter White

      Hi Kiki,

      I would move on because:

      1. A guy admitting he loves you after only one date is usually a bad sign.

      2. Waiting a month after a first date to message you… on Valentine’s sounds a little too much like he was just looking for a one night stand.

      Thanks Kiki,

      Hope the bluntness helps you,

      Pete

  • HT

    As a woman, 20 years of experience with men taught me that it’s actually quite simple. If a man is interested and honest about getting to know you, the next contact and the next date come quite naturally. I’m not saying the next step should come after 2 days already, but it shouldn’t take weeks either. That’s just plain, universal logic.

    If a guy really plays a game of “who calls who first”, leave him – that would be my advice. He’s just not worth your time and value, so don’t put any energy into this. Maybe the guy likes you even if he plays games, for whatever reason (weakness, need to control things…) – but this guy’s problems don’t have to become yours. You’ll be better off with someone else.

    About neediness, it shouldn’t be wrong to show that you like a guy – if you don’t go into telling him you’re lonely or depressed, of course. But if you can’t just show your feelings, forget about the relationship. Really. How do you expect living with someone later on, if you can’t be yourself? That’ll just never work out. You just can’t live with a mask all the time. It’s also plain logic, nothing secret about it.

  • Daphne

    Dear Peter,

    I went out with this guy, he is fine. He bought me a drink, he’s talking about his life experiences, his family, his career. We were looking at each other, smiling and all. He was excited than he ask me if I would like to get laid down. . Then I touch his finger and he took my hand, then I told him that I’m sorry, even though I like him, I find him attractive but it’s not my style to climb to bed on a first meeting.

    Instead we went for a walk. He walked so close to me, we were very comfortable with each other. He seem excited. Later we were holding hand and we were kissing, he look into my eye straight and again we were kissing gently to a moderate passionate one.

    He talk about he being adventurous, and unfortunately I’m not that adventurous type but I would like to give a try in near future though. He was excited, he even make plan for us to meet again in few days time.

    We said goodbye, and he gave me signal to call him. Later that night I call him but he didn’t pick up. I send him a thank you email and he immediately reply, he said that he enjoys it but his night is quite. I send another one but perhaps he already sleep.

    Then the next morning I send him a good morning message, he reply to with emoticon. He told me that he’s busy with work. Then later when I asked him regarding his plan of meeting up, he said that he has to cancle it due to his work.

    I didn’t message him after that since he’s busy so I give him two days by himself. The next day when I message him, it takes some time for him to reply. He said he’s OK, with the ok being caps lock. But this time around its take longer time for him to reply to my messages.

    In the end I wrote to him, giving him my number that if he want to look for me he could give me a call etc, that I have life, I couldn’t keep on waiting like that.

    Then he wrote to me, he said that I’m a very nice lady but he felt that I’m more serious than he is.

    Ooopps… what was that all about? I thank him for the time he spent on me and I really enjoyed his company. That’s it. After that i didn’t contact him and just take it easy.

    I don’t understand what is going on? He seem so excited and interested. Is it because he finds me not adventurous like he is therefore we cannot get along? He even makes plan for us to go out again.

    I think he likes me. Is he afraid that he might fall in love with me? What is it?

    • Peter White

      Hello Daphne,

      As plain as I can put it… He wanted sex first and then to see what happens after. He wants to take his time BUT he wants dating with casual sex.

      When you messaged so quickly after, he got the feeling that with you, it was relationship first before sex and that you were ready to jump right into that mode. At this point he’s thinking, “She wants an instant relationship and won’t allow me the freedom to date other women.”

      I suppose that’s the nice way to put it.

      He’s not afraid of falling in love with you. He just doesn’t want to date you without sex first and feels you’ll believe dating=relationship.

      Unfortunately, if you waited for a while before contacting him, probably a week or so, he would have assumed something entirely different, although in the back of his mind, he was still getting relationship vibe from that first night.

      Not all is bad here.. IF this is what YOU want, then luckily you found out quickly what HE wanted early on and you won’t be wasting any of your time on him.

      So, of course he likes you but it appears you both are taking different paths to finding it.

      Wishing you all the best,

      Pete

  • Steph

    Hi Peter, I have a situation where I went out on a first date with a guy and it went really well. The issue is that he was only in town for a few days and lives far away, so if it did turn into anything it would be long distance. He ended up asking me out again but I was busy since we only had 2 days left in the same area, and then he said if I like to text or call, and I said I prefer calling. He then said he would call me…he never did. I texted him after 2 days that I’m glad that we met and he replied with just me too. I really felt a connection on the date and he said he did too, but he never reached out to me and its been several days. He told me how interested he was and how he really was having a great time, and he would be willing to come back pretty often to visit me… I am really upset at myself that I told him no to the second date, because I am worried that he might have taken it the wrong way. I really want to talk to him because I think it could be something amazing. Should I reach out to him again? At this point will he still call? If he doesn’t then should I call him or text? And how long should I wait before I do anything? Is he playing hard to get? I really truly felt a connection with this guy.

  • Gretchen

    Wow, I needed to here this. I am 52 and just started dating 6 months ago after a divorce. Have been on several meet and greets, but no chemistry. However, I have been chatting for sometime with a guy and we meet for drinks to see if there was a connection. This went well, was suppose to be only and hour and lasted 2.5. Waited a week and didn’t hear anything and then received a text asking me out for this past Friday night. Very good time and lots of sexual tension was in the air. After dinner we went to a near by bar, and then to listen to a live band with dancing. Held hands and had a lingering kiss good night. He texted me as soon as he arrived home thanking me for a great evening and we need to do it again soon.

    Ok, so now here is where I am. We’ve texted off and on, but no plans set for the next meeting other than hidden innuendo’s. So just reassure me I am doing the right thing by not being pushy and letting him set the tone.

    Can’t fight the desire to want to kiss him again. OH it has come up in conversations.

  • Brandi

    Hi
    Meet this guy online nice guy Sunday honest guy we hit it off right away then he said I’ll call you for Wednesday to hook up
    Tuesday I text him can’t wait for our date let me know if it’s a go blah blah he contacts me later with a text saying ok will do
    Wednesday finally comes I waited all day no response finally I text him after work and say I know you are busy just want to know if we will be getting together if you aren’t interested just let me know no worries we are adults here an hour later he text me back let’s play it by ear tired from work blah blah so i responding ok I’m here I understand you have a commitment at work blah blah. Couple of hours later he text me just got home I text you must be tired short talk then we agree to meet at a local bar we hit it off have a great time play pool the night is going well then we start making out it gets heavy leads to sex he calls me to see if I got home safe I text him back hey had a blast and sent him a funny pic of a similar joke felt we connected then the panicky comes guilt everything went well we had a great time now the games begin waiting game I really like him but have to play cool play busy but it drives me crazy
    What is the next step in waiting for him to call me again?

  • Evelyn

    I went out with a guy on Sunday we had been talking in the phone way before this. We had a great vibe. I had fun in our date. Got home thanked him for the good time. He responded with yeah no problem about tonight. He kept talking to me but not the same when I finally told him if he wanted to meet other people or keep us in thought basically he said we’ll talk about this tomorow okay goodnight take care. But he didn’t end up talking to me about it? Should I take the hint and move on or keep trying?

  • Yanika

    I just went out on my 3rd date in about 2 years (I’m 27…If that matters) after finally giving in and joining a dating app. The guy (32…If that matters) was gorgeous, but didn’t seem to know just how attractive he was. If he did, it didn’t seem to have gone to his head at all. Anyway, he bought us tickets to go see a play and also brought a bottle of wine which we drank in a nice park before the play started. He was a very open book during our conversations and just seemed very introspective and thoughtful as I am. After the play we walked to our cars together and I let him know that a friend of mine was having a birthday party at this nice bar about 5 min up the street. At first he asked for a rain check since he had to get up early for a meeting, and continued saying how he’d like to get together again if I want to. I said sure! Then he suddenly changed his mind about coming with me to the party and said he’d come along after all, but just for one drink. When we got there we ordered a round of drinks and he seemed a bit embarrassed because he opened his wallet and only had 4 bucks in cash on him and said something about his debit card (can’t remember what he said exactly). In an effort to not have him feel too embarrassed I assured him not to worry about it and said “well you brought the wine and got our tickets to the play so let me get our drinks”. He let me and thanked me….There were a lot of my friends there who I haven’t seen in a while, but I still made a big effort to make sure he didn’t feel left out or anything. Anyway, to sum it up, he texted me the next day just before noon thanking me for going with him to the play and for being so accommodating with my friends. I texted back thanking him for treating me to the play and wine and said I had a lot of fun and that I hoped he wasn’t too tired at his meeting the next morning. He said he woke up easily as felt good with a smiley face at the end. I replied with a “good!”…Three full days have passed since then and I haven’t heard a word from him. I know I’m over analyzing, but I really have little dating experience and I would love to know if it’s likely he’s still interested or not since he hasn’t said anything about that second date yet. My friend said that there’s nothing wrong with me reaching out to him if I don’t hear from him in another couple days. While I agree with her to some degree, I also feel if a man wants to see you again then he will let you know. But why would he have asked if I wanted to go out with him again during our date and then not reach out? Do I just need to be more patient? Also, do you think that was weird about the wallet situation? Oh and we hugged goodbye at the end of the night. There was no kiss. He said that he also hasn’t dating in a long time and we were both eachother’s first date on the dating app.
    It’s nice to have so many girlfriends whose opinions I trust most of the time, but I feel like I need some male advice on this one.
    Thanks!

  • Mona Gh

    Great post

    • Peter White

      Thank you Mona. Every now and then I come up with a good one. 🙂

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