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First Date Confusion – He Doesn’t Call You Back! Is He Interested?

Woman Staring At Phone Confused

I was reading through a dating forum and found this very interesting story about a first date a woman had with a guy she met through an online dating site.

If you have ever gone out with guy but he didn't call back or get back to you for a second date then this story will show you HIS side of dating, his real interest in you, AND what you should NEVER do if you don't want him to disappear so quickly.

They started chatting online and he quickly mentions how he doesn't get on there much (the dating site) so they should exchange numbers.

She agreed and they both texted each other a few time before he proposed, "We should go out sometime very soon." She thought it was a great idea and they set up a typical Friday night date.

I'm not sure what happened on the date because she didn't mention it but at the end of the night they kissed in the Taxi in front of his place and he gave her a choice, "Call it a night or come up to his place to watch a movie".

She chose to go up to his place and very quickly they were making out in his apartment. She's not into having sex on the first date, calls it an evening, and heads home.

He texts her on the way home telling her to be safe. She texts him back. Then he mentions to stop texting because he doesn't want her to get hurt but he'll contact her soon.

A few days pass and since she hasn't heard anything from him decides to text him, "thanking him for a good night out."  He gets back to her after a few hours with something like you're welcome and how he can not wait to do it again.

A few more days pass and she has not heard back from him and so she checks out his profile and notices he's been on the dating site as she casually and angrily mentions that he told her "he doesn't get on there that much".

She wrote that she expects him to be seeing other women... "He's a good-looking guy." but she didn't understand why he would say he isn't on there a lot when to her, he so obviously did frequent his profile.

Based on that and her experience with men she concludes:

He hasn't called her for a second date because he thought he was going to get lucky that night and she didn't let it happen AND how he had probably moved on to an easier girl.

BUT she's still not convinced so she reasons it all out in her head:

WHY would he want to make sure she got home okay AND why would he mention he'd like to see her again?

Her last post was one of anger, disgust, and frustration as she gives up on him entirely claiming she was played and he was only looking for sex - keeping in mind all this happened within a WEEK:

"I definitely agree that I screwed things up by going up to his place. I was naive and didn't want the night to end and didn't bother thinking what my actions were saying. Dannnnng. I know in my gut that since he hasn't called, he's just not that into me.

But sometimes a girl just needs to hear it said out loud by someone else. No worries! I won't be contacting him in any form.

Sucks that I'll never know what would've happened had I gone home that night immediately after our date instead. Guess this guy was just meant to be a lesson. Lesson learned! Thanks for the honesty."

No call 48 hours after first date...not interested?!

(Forum link has since been deleted and is not accessible any more.)

Now that you know the whole story... here are my thoughts and I have a lot of them so be patient because you're going to learn a valuable lesson about men and much more.

I'll start with him...

He was a VERY smart "online" dater - based on what I read it's a safe assumption that he's a type one guy which means he's good with women and probably dating too.

He played the online interaction perfectly. He quickly got her phone number quickly AND he didn't waste any time sending her a few messages and setting up the first date.

(Type twos don't work this way at all - they typically take forever, let her lead, talk online for way too long, and make the dating process much more difficult than it needs to be.)

In my free book "Understanding Men Made Simple - There Are Only Two Types Of Guys" I do cover how just because he's a type one doesn't mean he's a bad guy or a player - just that being good with women gives him the option AND the opportunity to do so...

Which means (based on what we know from the story) it's impossible to for us to conclude IF she was being played or used as a one-night-stand or a quick lay BUT I will say this:

He moved from one step to the next AND got her to go back to his place which DOES tell me that sex was clearly on his mind. As if you need me to tell you that because you're certainly smart enough to see that coming a mile away.

BUT just because a guy wants to get laid on the first date does NOT make him a player. It's not good, that's for sure, especially if you're looking for something long-term with a guy,  however... here's a lesson in dating men:

Assuming you're being played because a guy doesn't contact you back after a few days past the first date is typically a WRONG assumption that will cause you to push a way a lot of good men.

Moving on to her side of the date, what really went wrong, and the mistakes she made so you can avoid making them yourself:

IF you don't want sex to be a part of the early dating process - do NOT go back to his place after the first date no matter how much of a good time you're having with him.

Hey... it happens, that I truly understand BUT that's actually NOT the real issue here as you'll soon see for yourself through her.

She IMMEDIATELY went back to that moment, HER decision, as to why he didn't contact her back quickly... because he didn't get it from her. She believed he wasn't that into her and was only looking for sex AND by going up to his place and not putting out - she pushed him away and made him lose interest.

In reality he didn't lose any interest at all. Obviously he was totally into her on one way or another.

Whether it was for sex or not remains to be seen AND she'll never know because she made a few more classic dating mistakes.

ONE: Instead of being patient and waiting for her to contact him in a reasonable time - she jumped ahead and came up with an excuse to message him first. 

She didn't message him because she wanted to, she texted him to test for his response and although that's fine with a type two guy - most type ones will see right through it and assume you're needy, a little desperate, or that you're playing a game in the hopes of revealing his hand quicker than it needs to be.

She texted, "Oh yeah I forgot to thank you for the date..." which leads to...

Number TWO: NEVER thank a man for a date and NEVER use it as an excuse to contact a guy so quickly after a first date just to see if he likes you or is interested or not.

IF a man is truly interested in you - he WILL call or contact you again. THAT is his sign of interest. When you poke or prod him hoping you'll learn the truth - he'll only think you're being overbearing, nosy, and that your dating life is suddenly revolving around a guy you just met.

And please - don't thank him for the date - if you must say anything at all - "You had a good time and you'd be happy to do it again when you're BOTH free for the second date."

Number THREE: Less than a week had passed before she became impatient with him and immediately went online to "check his profile" to literally spy on him because she wanted "closure?" already.

When you meet a guy online you must EXPECT he's there for a reason - to date women and he's not there just to date you exclusively.

YOU must do the same - dating one man at a time only causes this problem to happen. You put all your time and energy and feelings into one guy at a time and if it doesn't work out (in her case) within a week you make yourself a total wreck AND you start doing things which will push ANY guy away OR have him stick around just long enough to sleep with you.

Circular Dating Works!  TRY IT - and ALL problems like this go away instantly.

(See credits below for more information below on circular dating.)

If you want a guy who will date you exclusively (non-committal in the beginning of course) - then that is your choice and it's okay - BUT you must make that clear from the beginning AND you must also do it in a way which is not demanding.

Number FOUR: She went looking for closure - a definitive answer to whether he was interested in her or not AND if he was just looking for sex.

Hey - I understand what it feels like to leave something hanging and having a bunch of loose ends without any real answers BUT...

When it comes to dating - there will be a lot of loose-ends if you're putting yourself out there.

Many things will go left unsaid. Some men will never call. MOST men will NEVER tell you what they don't like about you. To be honest - it's not their responsibility to prepare you for next date with another guy.

If you so choose to let the men you see know why you don't want to date them anymore - that's your choice - but you can not expect others to work that same way or play by YOUR rules.

When you find yourself always searching for the why or what happened you will ACT differently around each and every next date trying to avoid what went wrong last time and if you don't know what went wrong - you will take yourself out of an attractive frame and guys will sense it AND you'll find it very difficult to just be yourself and have fun.

As one great advice man wrote:

1… Men Don’t Make Sense.

All those frustrating things that men do that don’t make any sense to you as a woman will NEVER MAKE SENSE.

Stop trying to make sense of them for yourself.

Trying to make sense of a man in your own terms is entirely counterproductive and gets little or no results other than you becoming increasingly frustrated.

There’s a better way.

2… You Can’t Figure Everything Out.

Have you ever REALLY hit it off with a guy but after a few weeks or months, even though things seemed great, the man pulled away and starting acting distant and cold?

Most men, at one time or another, do things like this that are ridiculous and impossible to figure out.

So EXPECT to NOT UNDERSTAND everything a man does.

If you can become more comfortable with the idea of not knowing everything about WHY a man does what he does, then you’ll feel a strange sense of calm relaxation – along with an increase in your own self-confidence.

6 Ways On How To Use The Magic Of Intuition & Get To Know The Real Him

With all that said and "behind" us...

Was He Interested In Her or Not?

It's not 100% that just because a man does not contact you as quickly as you'd like is not a guarantee he's not interested.

Quality men (and I use that term loosely) are NOT going to come out and say it early on but the signs are always there and in her case they were:

  • He kissed her.
  • He invited her back to his place.
  • He texted her after she left.
  • He said he wanted to do it again.

All signs pointing to his INTEREST and ATTRACTION towards her.

Just because a man doesn't act all needy and overbearing right after the first date is NOT a sign of no interest - it's typically a sign of who he is and not how he feels about you.

If he doesn't contact you after a reasonable amount of time then yes, it could mean that he decided he wasn't interested in pursuing things further with you and the exact reason will probably never be shared with you.

The absolute best way to tell if a man is truly interested in you:

Tease him a little, have fun with him, offer a little and have him "work" if he wants more... in a fun flirty and attractive way of course.

Be a REAL challenge.

Be HIS challenge.

And those high quality men will show their interest by paying very close attention to you in every sense of the word.

Do things a certain way (attractive communication) and let them work for you AND if a guy is responding because of that - it's practically a guarantee that he's interested in you.

Do things the wrong way (which I point out in my free book below) and the only challenge or interest you'll engage him in will keep him around just long enough until the challenge is met.

In the case above - she did NOT give up the challenge by going up to his place at the end of the night - if she has slept with him that night - THEN YES - challenge gone because as I wrote above - IF you want to date a man long-term and you're looking for a possible and eventual real commitment, do NOT sleep with him too early.

You can read more about that here:

Will He Stick Around After You Get Intimate? Not If You Make These Common Mistakes

The inevitable Confused Dating Is He Interested conclusion...

I feel for this woman - I really DO.

I understand from years of experience and through all the advice I've given along the way how HARD it is to stop overthinking and where it often leads a man or woman when it happens.

Sure - this guy "could've" been only out for a quick lay BUT that does not mean he's going to settle with one... for you or her.

She didn't "put out" and that's a GOOD thing when you're looking for something more.

BUT she still made a lot of mistakes which will stop her from ever revealing the truth about this guy and you never know - all things considered (maybe) he was looking for something more too and in his mind - he might believe sex is the way to a woman's heart too.

Aside from all that - the FACTS remain:

He was clearly attracted to her.

He was clearly interested in her one way or another.

His intentions are unknown but that's to be expected unless you learn them from the first interactions you have with a guy.

NOTICE she didn't mention what they talked about on the date even though THAT information was the most beneficial and crucial information to learn what was on his mind.

So - if you can relate to any and all of this:

GIVE a guy some time before you contact him.

This all happened in less than a week and that's way too quick to decide one way or another compatibility, interest, intention, emotional attraction and connection.

Do NOT jump the gun. Don't leap into the abyss hoping or prodding for information.

ENJOY the moments.

REVEL in the unknown for just a while and everything will unwind in its own way.

ASSUME if a guy is WORTH giving a chance and an opportunity to date YOU - that means he's probably dating other women too (especially if you meet from an online dating site). YOU saw something in him, other women will too.

AND he saw something in you worth dating too - which means you have an equal or even BETTER chance.

The LAST thing you want in your life is taking ANY of your valuable "you" time out of your busy, fun, happy schedule to check out his profile to see if he's still online looking because I GUARANTEE he is. Don't question it - it WILL happen just the same as you will look around too.

THAT is the point of dating...

To search...

To seek..

To explore...

To Enjoy...

UNTIL that perfect MATCH comes your way.

I'm going to leave you with a few of the best advice articles I've found to help you get through the dating process in a way which keeps men INTERESTED in you, STOPS you from overthinking about it all, AND assures you ARE his greatest challenge.

They were written by Evan Marc Katz and I posted them up over my other site... Please enjoy and learn something from them:

Credits:

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(You can read my email policies here. No spam ever! Your information is always private. )

About the author: Understanding men does not have to be complicated anymore and I can show yow how… There are only two types of guys and if you don’t know which one he is, you could misinterpret everything he says or does as it relates to you. Your new guy friend, Peter White – Understanding Men Made Simple.

LIKE or SHARE my Facebook fan page: Why Do Guys…? OR JOIN other women discuss guys – Why Do Guys Facebook Group. Find and follow me on Twitter – Peter White.

This article was posted in Dating – Interpretations Of What Went Wrong & How To Make It Right, Games Guys Play – Is He Playing You? Is He A Player? Don’t Get Fooled, Is He Interested In You? Does He Like You? Signs & Signals Of Attraction

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34 comments… add one
  • Angela

    Hi Pete!
    I met a guy on a date app. I didn’t really into him when we first text. I thought he was kind of a boring guy. We used to text every day to get updated. Every has changed when I met him in person. He’s nice, gentleman and very smart ( he’s a pediatrician). He asked me many questions and told me about his last relationship. I figured that We had many mutual interests and we really had a good time. After dinner we just saying goodbye by shaking hands and he wished me luck with my studies. He didn’t say anything about see me again. A few minutes later He texted me a message about some good films he recommended me to see while we was on date. I said thank you and something about the films but he never responded anymore! I wanted to say thank for the dinner we had but I couldn’t have chance to say it. It’s been 2 days already!
    One more thing, he used to promise me that he would go to a show with me but now he’s fading away! Should I text him to see if he’s still wanna go with me?

    • Peter White

      Hi Angela,

      Doesn’t sound like he’s fading away. Two days is not really that long after a first date. I’d say, just an average and not a hard thing, but when one week turns into two weeks, then it’s time to delete his number.

      Of course it’s perfectly okay to send him a quick text to let him know you had a good time. Just keep it short and fun. Do NOT ask him for another date or suggest one. He’ll know you’re interested just by sending him a text.

      IF he doesn’t respond within a few days – go ahead and delete his number.

      Just make sure you give him a GREAT reason to text you back.

      Thanks for asking and stopping by. All the best,

      Pete

  • Dawn

    Hi Pete,

    This guy I met in the summer has been flirting on and off with me since then. Mostly through social media since we don’t run into each other much. I found out he had been on/off with his ex throughout this time. I ended up seeing him on Tinder and since we had been texting about something else that day I decided to tell him. I thought he had a gf up until this point. We had actually been talking about guys I had been dating because I thought he was attached. The same day he asked me to come out as he was bowling and his friends were going to do something else. I met him there, we had an amazing time. His best friend was talking to me like I was his next girlfriend. We talked and stopped at a few places then we went back to his place and made out. He said he doesn’t have sex on a first date. I slept over as we had been drinking and my car was still at the bowling alley. We didn’t have sex. He was talking about us ‘being together’ and he asked me to go snowboarding with him for New Years. He was telling everyone it was our first date and he was making it seem very much like he was interested in something serious. I never imagined I wouldn’t hear from him afterwards. He dropped me off at my car the next day and just said ‘see ya’. No hug, no kiss, no ‘I want to see you again’. I didn’t think much of it because he had a headache and I assumed he’d be in touch very soon. 3 days went by. I decided to send him a message thanking him for the evening. He responded the next morning with a ‘thanks for coming out!’ and that’s it. That was yesterday. I feel like he’s not interested but am so confused as he was VERY interested in dating me the night we were out. He also just broke up with his ex ‘for the last time’ I’m told, 2 1/2 weeks before we went out. Give up on him?

    • Hi Dawn,

      Let’s get this right out of the way – NO REAL guy (type one) will ever be sure or interested in something serious with a woman on the first date. He may be looking for something long-term (since most guys are) but that’s different than wanted something serious with a woman he sort of just met.

      Your simple answer:

      Give up on what? You waited three days to contact him. He got back to you. You only went on one date. You have to be much more patient than this because you can never expect a man to commit to dating you exclusively and becoming serious this quickly.

      PLUS he just got out of an on and off relationship which means the longer he takes (within reason) to get more serious and start pursuing you – the better off things will be.

      Sure there are a few odd things happening here – him saying he doesn’t have sex on the first date, you and him mostly talking on tinder, your conversations you’re both having about the other people you’re dating – but let’s not read too far into just yet.

      Dawn – based on what I know, you need to draw him in. And right now I’m seeing you’re doing the opposite.

      Step back. Take a big deep breath. Let it go.

      I’m not guaranteeing he’ll come running to you. I’m not even going to say his words of “no sex on the first date” was his way of actually trying to get it from you because it’s certainly a tactic a few men will use.

      All I’m going to say is… Patience.

      Do your own thing.

      If you’ve done everything in your control to draw him and and he likes you and IS looking for something more with a woman sooner or later – leave it there and he WILL show his interest in you and more importantly, his INTENTIONS.

      All the best,
      Pete

  • PJ

    This entire scenario is me currently. I hate the fact we come off as needy instead of EXCITED which is me. I hear you as far as giving the guy space and him giving me space. The date was great, he did text immediately after confirming such with “Can’t wait to do it again”. When I didn’t hear from him after that I panicked & 2 days later I asked to confirm if he meant what he said & if I could at least treat him to his favorite beer. Response was “I’d love to”. That was 3 days ago & yes he’s been browsing the dating app. I deleted his number. Again, I understand and agree he should experience others, it would just be nice if I see him again! Hard to keep hope alive but this happens or the story you shared happens more than I care to share and would love to know what I’m doing wrong on these 3-6hr dates with them saying it was amazing, texting such then ghosting me!!!!

    • I hear you PJ but you can be excited and that’s a good thing BUT you can’t let it get you too far ahead. Dating takes time. Just tell yourself that patience will pay off and taking your time means figuring things out BEFORE you get hurt. So not only does it serve the purpose of getting to know each other over time – but also saves you from wasting time with the wrong guy.

      My suggestion is for you to do the same – browse other guys – set up other dates besides him AND things will work out much better for you.

      You could’ve seen this guy again if you gave him a chance but you didn’t – so now – unfortunately you’ll never know.

      If this continues to happen to you – then don’t do the online thing or get professional online help that will walk you through the process and keep you on the right track.

      Like these two:

      Finding The One Online

      OR

      Finding Love Online

      They are BOTH produced by guys who KNOW what they’re doing. In fact the first one – well he specializes in it so go right to his about page and you’ll how he got his start in the “business”.

      If you’re going to date online – PLEASE make sure you have a solid plan for doing so because if you don’t – too much opportunities get lost PLUS they set you up with a profile to weed out guys who will waste your time and eventually your money too.

      It sounds like you’re just getting too far ahead of yourself which I guarantee will put you too far ahead of men too.

      PLEASE learn to enjoy the process more than the result and the result you’re looking for WILL come true all by itself.

      Thanks for sharing and all the best to you.

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