Hello Peter,
There’s this guy who has been staring at me. I met him this week and at the start of the week he sat across from me in the classroom so that I was in his sight of vision.
He would stare at my occasionally during class and when I would leave, he would sometimes lean back on his chair and stare at me. He’s starting to move closer to where I sit.
For instance today my friend sat between us and when I asked her a question, he turned around and I just felt a pang of guilt when I saw his realization that the question was not directed to him.
When he’s with his friends I don’t think he stares at me but I cannot be sure because I don’t look his way/I’m usually walking in front of them. The thing is, I think I may have also developed a small crush.
My question is that, I am quite shy around guys so when I catch him staring at me I always break the stare first because I am too shy to maintain eye contact.
Would he take this as a sign of rejection?
I cannot tell if he’s shy or nervous (or interested at all) because I’m always the first to look away. I do give small smiles but I can’t be sure he notices them.
What should I do? Should I wait for him to make a move?
Or should I initiate conversation?
Annie
Hello to you too Annie. I'g going to answer all your questions. When we're done you will understand what all this eye contact stuff means, the approaching thing, the interest part, and if you should approach or start a conversation with him instead of waiting for him to make the "first move".
First let's talk about proximity - when a guy positions himself close to you and doesn't say a word.
When a guy gets closer to you or is finding excuses to be around you, he's what I call a lurker or he's basically lingering.It's a typically thing for a type two guy to do.
He's unsure of what to say or how to approach you and he thinks it's more likely to happen if he "accidentally" finds himself talking to you.
Which is why he positions himself close to you.
A guy generally knows he's doing it, and he senses it's wrong, but he just can't help himself... most of the time.
Your reaction to it or how it makes you feel will in part depend on HOW he does it. Some women find it creepy, some don't even notice, and some are only confused by it. Such as in your case.
You have to realize (if you don't by now) that lots of guys don't understand how all the approaching women after making eye contact works.
They either approach too early, too late, fail to make the right eye contact, don't read the signals properly, or, as in your case, try to put themselves closer and closer to you "hoping" a conversation will happen OR that you'll take the pressure off of them by taking the first step.
You can learn more about all that in these posts:
Now let's talk about eye contact - what it means and how it's supposed to work.
When you make eye contact with a guy or he makes it with you it's (generally) considered a sign of submission in the human mating ritual.
It's not a sign or signal of a lack of confidence - it circumstances like this (dating and mating) avoiding eye contact shows a lack of confidence or is a sign of being shy.
Once your eyes meet the process begins.
Unfortunately lots of guys just don't get or understand the steps of mating - they'll actually believe when eye contact is made and you look away - that you're rejecting them.
So...
If you hold your gaze for a second or two then look someplace else, normally down, then you ARE doing it right if you want to be approached because that's your "animal" side telling a guy it's okay to come and talk to you.
The "better" men will recognize it the right way. The less confident might not. The better men being the type one guys and the other are the type twos.
YES - it's VERY important to know or recognize which type he is to make things go much smoother for you - it;s too easy to misread a type two because, again, they just don't GET IT. You can learn all about them in my free ebook below when you sign up: "Understanding Men Made Simple - There Are Only Two Types Of Guys."
A more precise NLP version of eye contact as it relates to our very developed mating rituals goes like this:
Women who look up, left or right (after eye contact) are generally showing the signal of not caring, disgust, or are not ready. Men will often take this as a sign that they do not want to be approached OR they must work harder to capture her interest and start a conversation.
Women who look to the sides (after eye contact) are unsure and perhaps are looking around to see if the guy is looking at someone else and not her. This sends an indecisive signal to a guy and you'll normally notice the guy will become undecided or unsure if it's okay to approach you.
Remember we're NOT talking about strange creepy weird staring. Just normal everyday eye contact. There's a difference but I'm sure you can and do notice the subtleties. This is about social approaches and reading further into gets very complicated and unnecessary.
IF you want a guy to approach you FIRST then hold your eye contact with him for a brief moment, then look down with your eyes (not your head) - then look back up at him and go about your business.
By doing that you're giving a guy the green light to approach you. You're telling him it's okay and you're open to him starting a conversation with you.
BUT, as stated above, lots of guys are confused over what is really happening and it in NO way guarantees he will approach you or start a conversation. There are too many internal and external variables as in his confidence and experiences in these things.
Next up - you wrote...
"I cannot tell if he’s shy or nervous (or interested at all) because I’m always the first to look away. I do give small smiles but I can’t be sure he notices them.
What should I do?
Should I wait for him to make a move?
Or should I initiate conversation?"
General interest in you may be hard to recognize from a shy or nervous guy but it's not impossible.
The good news is...
Men don't go "stupid" around women they're not physically attracted to. If you've caught him staring he DOES notice the small smiles. He is more than likely feeling that for you.
Type twos can be very uncomfortable around women they find attractive. They'll act nervous and unsure about themselves and unsure what to do with their bodies. Therefore they tend to fidget a lot.
He's noticed the smiles BUT he's just not sure if they're directed at him or even what they mean.
Guys are not typically good at recognizing these subtle hints women throw out.
Your smile was a GREAT place to start - it's inviting to a guy whether he takes the invitation or not.
However - in cases like this IF you want him to come to you - more must be done to boost his confidence and so he understands it's okay to start a conversation with you AND that he MUST do it if things are to proceed forward.
You could play with your hair casually when you notice he's looking at you. Men take it as sign of a woman being attracted to them.
They may not be right most of the time - in other words reading a woman's body language in that way and out of context is totally useless BUT if a guy thinks that's what it means AND you want him to approach you - then why not use it, right?
So.. keep up the eye contact - the right way. Smile like you've been doing. Play with your hair once in a while when you notice he's looking at you.
IF all this fails and he still won't come to you... don't wait forever and DO something about it or you could be waiting forever especially if he's young, inexperienced in these matters, and scared too.
Don't hesitate or delay anymore because it will get harder the longer you wait.
Just say "Hello." and start talking about anything which pops in your head - within reason of course if you actually want him to stay interested in you.
That's all there is to it.
Here's a more precise plan which will make him feel at ease and more comfortable to open up to you.
Walk up to him - give him a small coy smile, look in his eyes for just a moment, look down at his mouth for a very brief second, and then back to his eyes and say with a slight "accusational" but cute funny tone to your voice,
"Hello. There's something I know about you..."
Reach down to shake his hand lightly and then say,
"I KNOW You have a name... ... ... What should I call you? I'm Annie."
This works so well on shy and type two guys because:
You started off by showing confidence in yourself and that will inspire confidence in himself.
You made the approach and disregarded all the who-should-approach-who nonsense which erased his fears of public rejection or starting a conversation without knowing what to say.
Your soft gaze to his mouth back to his eyes actually motions a guy that you're available and since it's normal a prelude to a kiss - it tells him that you're feeling attracted to him AND you're open to a conversation fully.
This also adds a little flirty and sexual edge so he doesn't feel like you're just looking for a friend which also boosts his confidence and helps secure his self-esteem around you.
Your shaking of his hand immediately breaks the touch barrier. By doing so it eliminates a lot of the tension and uneasiness guys like this feel when they're close to a woman.
By starting the conversation with, "I know something about you..." lets him believe you've noticed him and guys love to be noticed. That's for sure. Especially their physical attraction.
You also give him the opportunity to flirt with you by asking him what you should call him.
The last part.
Well it's your name "Annie" so make sure he never forgets it.
PLUS after all that - you're now in a great positive to gauge HIS reaction to everything you've done which will give you all you need to know to see if he's truly interested in you or not.
In conclusion...
Guys will often position themselves to a woman they're attracted to without saying a word hoping she will start a conversation. It's generally of sign of physical attraction AND a typical thing for a type two guy to do.
When eye contact is made - if you look away first and then down AND the guy gets it - it's a sign of submission and typically seen as an open invitation to come over to you and talk.
Some will take it as a rejection but others won't. It depends on the type of guy he is, his experience, his confidence, and more.
It can be tough to figure out a shy or nervous guy's interest in you but if the staring is there, if he's doing the "getting closer to you" thing and holding his gaze on you - those are very CLEAR signs of physical attraction and interest in getting to know you.
If all these things are happening and he's still not coming to you - make it easier on him, give him more "go ahead" signals so he'll have a better chance at getting the point.
If that fails - you MUST initiate the conversation and when done right (as in what I wrote above or some version of it) all else will be shown.
What you want to achieve when you approach a shy guy is:.
- Exchange smiles and eye contact.
- Inspire his confidence by being confident yourself.
- Look at his mouth and then back to his eyes at least once or twice.
- Flirt casually almost immediately.
- Shake his hand to break the touch barrier.
- Offer your name and get his and get him to say your name at least once in the first few minutes.
- Let him know "indirectly" that you've noticed something about him.
Here's another article I wrote to help you approach and start a conversation with a guy like this:
How To Approach A Shy Guy – When And How To Talk To The Quiet Men
Feel free to let me know how it all works out and if my advice worked for you and any woman who visits this post. Always happy to listen.
I do hope the next time a guy stares at you you'll think of this post and through the positive knowledge you learned today - you're a little less shy - more confident - and open to quickly move on from eye contact, to meeting, to truly connecting with a guy.
Don't forget to sign in below to why do guys, learn about the two types of guys and because...
You can never be too shy to start understanding men better.
- Photo found at Pexels by Startup Stock Photos.
- Why Does A Guy Stare At A Woman But Not Approach Her
- Why Do Guys Stare at Girls?
- NLP - Info at Wikipedia.
