Maybe that’s something we already know but I have some interesting questions today which could lead to answer a bigger question, “How do you attract men which will lead to fulfilling relationships that last longer?”
First we must decide, agree, clarify, or even argue over what is an actual need and what is just a want.
Needs tends to be something we can’t live without as in, “I want pizza but I NEED food to live.”
Wants are (mostly) things which we could live without (even happily). They are not necessarily superficial because wants are often tied to our basic needs and mix with our subconscious having us believe certain things.
For example, “I want great sex but I NEED intimacy.”
It might feel like we need sex but without it I think we’re going to be (relatively) okay or at least a vast number of people can be essentially happy without it. However without intimacy, a closeness to someone or others, or a deep connection with other people (men or women) and it feels impossible to be happy.
Here’s the list of needs I’ve come up with today and they are broken into three areas:
1. The Physical World:
Air, Warmth, Water, Food, and Protection.
None of which may make us happy or fulfilled so we add,
2. The Spiritual:
Certainty, Variety, Significance, Love & Connection, Growth, and Contribution.
Borrowed from Uplift: What are the Six Basic Human Needs? because I liked the article.
None of those lists actually cover procreation directly.
We can not safely assume “survival” doesn’t include having children because within our bodies are blueprints to the survival of our species, therefore somewhere within us is a basic need to procreate.
Whether we choose to ignore it or not, it certainly affects our behavior and overall happiness making it a true need:
3. Survival beyond our limited lifespan:
Procreation, Survival of our Genes, Passing Down of Knowledge.
The real question today, relating to men is a tough one and I’ll be honest, hurts my brain when I think about it too much BUT when it comes to understanding men and attracting men this is very important because this is how we learn.
Can you attract men by simply appealing to his needs or must you also satisfy his wants?
(Remember, we’re talking about attracting genuine love and establishing a committed relationship.)
Is it safe to assume if the proportion is more wants than needs, this will only lead to a failed relationship?
Is there a balance which must be achieved?
Can you focus ONLY on his needs to achieve the results you’re looking for?
Yes, this gets even more complicated when we add these elements.
A man might WANT to supply you with food, warmth, and protection to feel good about himself and the relationship but is this also a NEED?
“It’s not easy to communicate unwavering love or devotion when we feel one way or another we’re not getting our very personally specific needs met.” A Man’s Needs Are Built Differently – Why Men Hold Back Their Love or Appear Silent
A man NEEDS the spiritual ones for himself: certainty, variety, significance, love & connection, growth, and contribution BUT is he more attracted to women who contributes those to his life or the ones he can contribute to hers?
What is more effective to men, giving or getting these spiritual needs?
Or is it a fair contribution back and forth? A delicate hard-to-achieve balance which can increase the likelihood of success.
Obviously, procreation in this area is very important but it’s probably also the most obvious:
We’re inclined to be naturally attracted to those we feel give us the best opportunity to pass on our Genes and knowledge regardless of everything else. These are definitely things we are born with and have little control over feeling them. Our only relative control is in the experience of them or how we act on them.
All this leads me to wonder and question what is actually more important to men and attracting the right men:
Fulling his needs or him fulfilling your needs? OR is it a healthy combination of the two? (Assuming something like that can be achieved.)
Are men more attracted to women where they feel she fulfills HER needs through him OR is he more attracted to women who can fulfill HIS needs? ( Granted there is certainly a crossover here.
They are certainly mixed at some points.)
One last complicated point.
On the surface we think we know what we want or we might also think we know what we need, BUT many of our actions are driven by our subconscious and based on how we matured or not. For example: A man might want and get sex from lots of different women because his real needs are not being met. Something which came about as he grew into an adult.
Our needs and wants become intertwined and sometimes hard to separate without outside help or a complete objectification in many areas.
However, if we assume they are different – Needs being listed and if we can not rightfully put a want in a real need category, then it’s clearly a want, we can make matters a little more simple when trying to answer the questions from above:
“How do you attract men which will lead to fulfilling relationships that last longer?”
Can you simply focus or appeal or fulfill his needs without ever having to worry about what he wants?
All of which I can not supply for myself will fall on her to provide. This is what I will look for in a woman.
A balanced man will seek an equal balance in a woman.
When things are out of balance, a man might seek to fulfill those needs from a woman and since this is impossible to actually achieve, it can easily destroy any type of relationship from dating to sex to marriage.
Of course, you’re going to get guys who “try” to supply for himself those only a woman can supply and might not be as disastrous results but will definitely affect his balance and overall happiness in life.
Equally, you’re going to find women who “try” to give a guy things he only can supply himself and find herself pushing away lots of balanced men and accepting relatively unhappy unbalanced men in the meantime.
And the list (not infinite) goes on… and on… and might not help us find the real answer but is always interested (for some) to talk about.
Granted, absolute balance may be impossible to achieve but it’s not impossible to strive for as close as we can get, but it certainly holds the key to long-lasting happy and healthy relationships so it’s worth doing the extra work.
With regards to attracting men, you already know his needs because they are close to yours, so I’m concluding for now, attracting the “right” man is more about YOU and your balance than it is about men and what it takes to attract the right one in your life.
Regarding the needs:
The physical are best achieved together but not impossible to get alone.
The other two, Spiritual and Survival beyond our lifespan, is where the confusion starts and it’s where we now need to look to come to a better conclusion.
Maybe next time…