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What Does a Guy Mean When He Says He Is Thinking About You?

in What Does He Mean
When a guy can not get a girl out of his mind, it means he’s more than just considering some kind of future with her.

Let’s take a look at this from the opposite perspective because it makes the answer that much clearer.

As a guy, I never ever, ever call up a guy friend of mine or text him, or for that fact even dare mention to him,

“I was thinking about you and just decided to tell you.”

With that said – When he says he is thinking about you – it means he wants to see you again…  among other things.

Like how something reminded me of you and I thought if I tell you, it’ll be a romantic gesture. It will show you I’m definitely interested.

For some guys they’re “fishing” for a certain response which would reveal how you feel.

If you answer “Awww that’s sweet.” we probably see it (unless we’re already intimate)  as being just a friend.

If you answer back with a clever flirt we assume you’re interested in being more than just a friend.

No matter how you look at this question when a guy says he is thinking about you it means he’s interested in something deeper. Of course how deep depends almost entirely on the situation.

It’s our little way of testing you, or getting you to reveal how much you miss us or would like to see again.

As a guy, under normal “dating” circumstances I don’t think about women I don’t want in some way. Maybe it’s a relationship. Maybe it’s to see you again. Maybe it’s just to pleasure myself although I probably won’t be telling you about that until there’s a deeper connection.

Men are typically action-orientated but we do think about what we’re going to do. It doesn’t mean we’ll act on it but it does mean we’re considering more. And if that includes you our thoughts can lead us  to imagine a plan for the future.

All things aside…

  • When a guy wakes up thinking about you he’s feeling more than just attraction.
  • When a guy texts you in the middle of the night to tell you what’s on his mind and it’s you, he’s looking for you to confirm the attraction.
  • When a guy can not get you out of his mind he WANTS to be with you. He may be considering a greater commitment.

Bottom Line…

When a guy feels the need to tell you he is thinking about you, it means he’s more than just “interested” in you, he also wants to know or find out if you’ve been thinking about him too.

Peter White - Why Do Guy...?

Peter White. Thanks for stopping by and listening to a male’s point view. You can stay in touch by – *receiving my newsletter, *friending my Facebook page here. – Here is where a teach men about you *DiaLteG – and this where I get to talk about meeting and approaching the opposite sex – *The Approach.

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51 comments… add one

  • earthchild gonewild

    Thank you for your insight! This guy that I really care about (I haven’t seen him in over a year he been backpacking around south america) randomly added me on Facebook & sent me a message saying: I hope your doing great, I’ve been thinking about you and I send my love I hope we are still friends…so any thoughts on this? We used to go out together and we both have felt this strong soul connection. I know he’s coming back to town soon do you think he wants to see me? Thanks from the advice. :) k-10

    • Peter White

      You’re welcome and thank you for doing more than just “thinking about” leaving a comment. :)

      I can tell you when a guy, (or anyone I suppose) is unable to be close to the people they love… When they feel a little lonely, when they’re missing a structure in their past, they play memories and pictures over and over again in their minds.

      When given the opportunity they reach out to those who have affected them the deepest. It can be a relative, an old flame, a dear friend, it can even be someone they have never met.

      It’s safe to assume he wants to see you and is paving the path so when he does come back – he’s assured you actually DO want to see him.

      My personal advice is to casually let him know you’re looking forward to seeing him again. (Keep in mind he won’t be in the same emotionally state he was in when he reached out to you. This won’t be a problem unless you make it more than it is. And it will not mean he is not interested in picking up where you left off.)

      In your personal situation from what I gather as a “dude” not gone too wild…

      “I hope you’re doing great.” -> means “Please tell me you’re still cool AND single.”
      “I’ve been thinking about you.” -> means “Sometimes I freaking hate it being so far away from the people I care about.”
      “I send my love.” -> “I remember I’ve made you smile in the past. Thanks for making me smile today.”
      “I hope we are still friends.” -> “Please tell me you haven’t forgot about me. :D

      You can say I’m positive your reunion with him will happen,

      Pete

      • Jessica

        Peter, I have a question for u: this guy was crazy about me we dated for few months- then we broke up( his fault).. After 3 months of no contact– he sends me a text saying” I’ve been thinking about u, wanna catch up?” Due to our traveling schedules we never met- now he disappeared again.. I still love him and don’t know what to do .. Pls, help!

  • islandgirl

    I am in a similar situation as earthchild gone wild. However, the guy I was seeing left to travel/sailing for a few months a couple weeks ago. Our relationship started out casual due to the fact that he was leaving in what I thought would have been 1 month. But, we ended up seeing each for 3 months and ended up falling for each other hard. During that time, I met and spent time with his parents/family, he told me he likes me a lot, that I am special to him. He would tell me repeatedly how amazing, incredible and fun I am. Before he left he started saying things that he would like for us to do in the future (when he returns). I received an email from him last week telling me that he arrived at his 1st destination and that he is thinking of me (what does that mean?) Does he want me to wait for him? Does he just want to keep me on hold until he returns? Your insight would be appreciated.

    • Peter White

      It may be a little premature to start asking yourself, or me, these kind of questions. Where one man’s journey takes him, and the things he might experience can change everything in a few weeks or months down the road. It may hurt but you just don’t know.

      However… when men are leaving and separating themselves from a woman they’ve grown close to they will often experience doubt and maybe even a little regret. When the reality of losing you begins to actually happen he may reach out hoping you’ll assure when he does return – you’ll be there for him. Sort of like the guys who ask for marriage just before going to war.

      Since this is not war we can assume he feels uncertain of the future. In his present YOU are the certain. You’re holding a special marker in his life. Pardon my “Romanticism” but you’ve become his stable sea-port. His safe return point.

      This will cause the men who admire you the most to make plans for the future like he has or casually mention he’s thinking about you to gauge your response to his leaving.

      I can honestly say (at this moment) he’s doing his best to make sure you don’t forget about him BUT again, because of the uncertainty of his adventure, this does NOT guarantee things will pick up where they left off.

      You’ll know quickly how it plays out if he keeps in contact with you fairly consistently. Trust your intuition. Trust yourself. Don’t ever wait around for a man just because he wants that unless it’s clear your connection together can last the separation AND is periodically fortified.

      Chances are he’s not sure about this “hold” thing. He probably knows that’s not fair to you. And I know somewhere in the back of his head (from my male perspective) he may be open to meeting someone else along the way. It’s the whole uncertainty factor.

      You want some good news? A few months traveling to him, will seem like a week to you. His time will fly. He’s thinking you about on the first “landing” which means you’re still in his heart.

      The rest I’m sorry to say will play out in time. Both of you can of course keep the “fire” alive and have a blast when he returns. There are definite ways to encourage him and I’m sure right now, he’s open to you helping both of you to keep the chemistry alive and flowing gracefully.

      I appreciate you trusting me with your question Miss Island Girl. (And now I’ve got an Elton John stuck in my heads. Never realized how bad the lyrics were for that song until now Haha! )

      Hope everything works out for you in every way you hope,

      Pete

      • islandgirl

        Pete,
        I really appreciate your thoughtful and thorough response to my question. I’ve never asked a question online before or from a stranger (for that matter) about my personal life so that gives you an idea of how much this has been on my mind. But, I trusted my intuition and I am glad I did.:-)
        Update: I received an email from him yesterday asking me if I would like to fly down to where he is for a visit. So, it looks like I will be seeing him in a couple of weeks or less. I am very happy about this:-). And, I am going to try to stop being such a “girl” wondering about the future and just enjoy the present. Hmmmm, we’ll see how well that works (lol).
        Elton John’s Island Girl…oh boy… the lyrics are pretty bad? :-):-)
        Thanks again, Pete!
        ~Miss Island Girl~

  • nwbgnng

    Hi Pete,

    Thinking of you didn’t end up meaning anything in my case, I was seeing someone for 3 months exclusively and often, average 5 times a week. I thought everything was great and totally fell for him. We are both 49. he sent me this text one night before bed at the end of a conversation “ok babe… sweet dreams…. and I am always thinking of you…” A week later he completely blind sided me and broke up with me… I still don’t understand what happened.

    • Peter White

      Sorry to hear things didn’t work out for you.

      Sometimes relationships break up for reasons which go beyond anything one post could ever cover.

      I will tell you this – thinking about a woman – being in love – enjoying every moment with a certain woman is NOT a guaranteed relationship.

      There are many other “needs” which must be satisfied for a guy stick around. Even if he is always thinking about you.

      Sometimes it’s him, sometimes it’s you, sometimes it both. The circumstances are just too varied.

      *Rarely a man will even say that as a precursor to a break up. I know it sucks but it does happen.

      I’m positive though you can understand why it happened and you can figure out a way to avoid something like that happening again.

      Again, sorry to hear about your recent breakup and I do wish you a speedy recovery,

      Pete

      • carol

        Thanks for the reply Pete, I had even forgotten that I had posted a comment.. Shows you where my head has been… I really don’t know why.. he had never let on anything was “off” he had been acting a little subdued but when I asked him about it he said it wasn’t us he just had a lot going on, which he did. He kept reassuring me that everything with us was ok. He did it at the end of dinner in a restaurant which of course just made it even worse.

        Anyway as you can see I’m having trouble processing how things went down.

  • ericka

    hey pete,
    just recently i had to take a break from my bf, because he is going off to college and i feel like our relationship will get worse…. but any way he tells me that we will nevber not speak and i am the woman for him but not right now because he is worried about school; football etc. which thats why i needed to take a step back because at the end of the day that’s what i want him to focus on. he is the one for me but i just want to know do you think he is serious and eventually will come back? he says he loves me and he is a taurus do you think he is lying ?

    • Hey Ericka,

      Thanks for stopping by and asking.

      Personally, I don’t think he is lying BUT if I know guys going off to college, he’s definitely leaving his options open. I wouldn’t take it personal, there’s a chance he’s never going to find someone who could possibly make him feel the way you do.

      Yet, as always, there’s a chance the distance between you and him will have BOTH of you finding someone new. Which of course could easily mark the end of what you both had.

      Now I’m not one to predict the future, especially when it comes to relationships. But I’m always willing to “predict” the present…

      If he says he loves you and has shown many signs of it through his actions – then he has no reason to lie about it, just to make the separation “easier” on you. I’ve found most men don’t lie unless they’re protecting something or looking to get something. Like Protecting your feelings – or looking for an easy hook-up on breaks.

      Since we don’t have any reason to see those happening, I highly doubt he is lying.

      The “seriousness” of your situation, or at least the reality I see if I was in his position would be, “I’m young – undecided – there’s a lot of unknowns coming up – I want to experience life (and other women) AND I’ll be in a new place unsure of what to expect – I have an IDEA of what I’m supposed to be focused on – BUT I’m just not sure what’s going to happen…”

      If I could take you aside and promise he’d come back, I’d have to smack myself for “lying” to you to protect your feelings. Again I don’t like to predict the future especially when there’s two younger people involved.

      The good news is – anything could happen. He could come back to you.

      But if I were you I would NOT expect it to happen. This is YOUR chance to experience someone or something else too.

      Continue to wish the best for him but please never lose what’s best for you, or avoid looking for it because you want to wait and see where he ends up.

      You sound a little sad Ericka and just a little confused. Totally naturally and definitely expected BUT I feel if you erase the words “a step back” and fill it with something more positive like “a chance to explore” you’ll find life has a way of working out for the best of both of you.

      Wishing you all the best of luck,

      Pete

  • Nat

    Thanks for your interesting post. I’d like your input if possible. I recently started dating and everything was great, until we go into an argument. We didn’t talk for two days until I sent him a text explaining how I felt about it all and why I was upset. He wrote back “You know I was just thinking of you too.” then preceded to ask me followup questions about why I felt the way I did about our disagreement. We both apologized and I was feeling good about it. However now it’s been 5 days since I’ve gotten a text or phone call. What gives?

    • You’re welcome Nat.

      From a male’s perspective, I’d have to honestly say – when you were the first to text him after the argument, he probably assumed he now has the upper-hand (in a way.)

      This means there’s a huge chance he’s going to wait as long as possible for you to take the initiative and text or call him. Keeping him in the so-called drivers seat of your interactions.

      He may feel if he gives in and is the first to re-open yet another conversation he’s handing over the power he gained. Something which some men feel is important to them.

      Now honestly – it could be something else, something we both don’t know is going on, something beyond our scope of his personal life…

      BUT – I will say a man who feels the need to gain power, stay on the “pursuer” side while you chase him, is more likely to continue the pattern for as long as possible. Kind of hoping or (knowing through past experience) you’ll eventually cave in to his “unspoken” demand and become the absolute “chaser.”

      It’s my opinion a powerful man with sheer attractive force has no need to define a role. He won’t chase but he also won’t allow a woman to become the definitive “chaser.”

      Thanks for writing in because you’ve shown us from one experience the complexity of our dating world will almost always be made more difficult when the lines of real communication break down AND a somewhat power struggle ensues.

      -Pete

  • LP

    I love your opinion, Pete. It’s clear and concise –genius. So…I have a follow up question to this article. I got the email saying he was thinking of me the last few weeks and wanted to let me know -verbatim. So I replied the same amount of text and candor that he had sent, and said I was thinking about him too recently. Then I asked what in particular he was thinking about me the last few weeks (since that’s a long time to be thinking of someone, AND I wanted him to show his hand as far as intentions.) Here is what I got in reply:
    “Lastly, when I read the last line of your email, it made me question what my intention of writing you is/was. I also have been dissecting those last two sentences over and over again because there is mystery there and a question of motivation and intention as well.
    My initial intention was to connect with you and let you know I was thinking of you and those thoughts were good memories for me.
    Really, I am surprised you wrote me back but really glad you did.
    How is that for a light Monday afternoon email?
    For now, (his name)”

    This doesn’t tell me that he wants to see me at all…is he trying to be friends with me? He is friends with his ex-girlfriends, but I tend to not befriend my ex-‘s. It helps me move forward easier and keeps me focused on the work I’m doing to learn from my mistakes and the relationship in general. I wonder should I even reply? What would the benefit be for me? I left him without closure or explanation because we almost broke up before and I felt like there were things that had already been said that I couldn’t repeat anymore and behavior patterns that are painful to identify and explain -we would’ve been more hurt than helped, I felt. So…what’s going on here? What does he want? What do you think is the best option for me as a reply?

    • Peter White

      Hey now LP, no need to call me a genius. :) My Ego is big enough.

      You might have to explain a little more about your situation. I’m not sure if you dated this guy before or not.

      If you were in a relationship with him and you left under the conditions you wrote, “I left him without closure or explanation” then at this point I would say that is why he is thinking so much about you. (For one reason at least)

      Please let me know so I can better answer your question. Seems like we have a lot to cover.

      Thanks for writing,

      Peter “Genius” White :D

  • LP

    Hi Pete,

    Yes, we dated for 10 months previously. I was super supportive when his work life overtook everything, then he decided to take another class for a second master’s, then maybe start training for a triathlon, then not, then maybe quitting his job, finished his house and put it up for sale and interviewed for work hrs away. I felt like he dialed up the intensity outside of the relationship in order to dial it down IN the relationship. I supported him, but didn’t see much in return. Some serious complications that threatened me & our relationship and he was absent…none of the support that I’d shown him, impatient, etc. I walked away. We resolved things over the last week and his last email told me he never forgot his love for me nor how he felt mine for him. He said he was sorry, I explained my side, he explained his, but ends with this: “It is hard to forget love. I have not ever forgotten my love for you nor how your love toward me felt. It does seem we partnered for a time to work out our unfinished business and for this I am thankful it was with you. There is a wide expanse and a great depth of grace and forgiveness in my heart for that time with you -for you.

    I think despite these things there we also practiced some really strong relationship building along the way. I do think there was far more healthy than unhealthy communication and connection between us. Feeling a bit smoother for longer journeys-
    Traveler of the underworlds—
    D.
    PS must cut this off a bit short as I have a few meetings this afternoon to get to.”

    So…I was just there for his closure?? I feel a little used. And if I’m honest, sad.
    -LP

    • Hello again LP,
      Not necessarily full closure but I do get the sense he needed to get something off his chest. Like he almost felt guilty and was “sort of” letting you know he was aware you were there for him. BUT he, from what I gather, never got the concept that he was never there for you. He still believes it was a partnership.

      I wouldn’t feel used. Timing had a lot to do with it. I always stress the importance of “timing” when it comes to entering a relationship. Both parties must be on the same page if you know what I mean. Otherwise it’s doomed to be one-sided or fail at those critical times.

      Both of you seem to have a different concept of what love is which would probably keep you both on different pages.

      And when you think about it, a man who “needs” a woman by his side who is not willing or aware enough of you to know when you need support too – is a hard page to partner with for a fulfilling relationship.

      His words, “It does seem we partnered for a time to work out our unfinished business” kind of says it all. Doesn’t it?

      I’m sure your sadness will soon dissipate. But please be sure to avoid following it with regret.

      Wishing you the best,

      Pete

  • Rosy

    Am so glad to “stumble” upon your article.

    Ok, from what I read, it’s all positive when you said that when a guy say he is thinking of you, it means something deeper. That was good to know.

    I have been seeing this guy for coming to 3 mths. We both liked each other. The only thing that is bugging me now is he is not ready to commit. I know, perhaps 3 mths is too soon. Fine.

    Anyway, from his actions, I do feel he cares and all, even when I lose my marbles and vent to him my insecurity, he is patient enough to listen and even did a follow up a few hours later to see if I am ok. I told him sorry for venting, he replied, “it’s ok, I am here to listen” and “I understand because you are the closest person to me now too” – wow … I didn’t expect he’ll say that !!! (Just a note : I didn’t tell him he was the closest person to me so I was suprised he said it first !!)

    I know I should chuck my insecurity aside and just enjoy what we have now but being a woman that can’t stop analysing, I just can’t help it.

    So, what is my question ? haha … well … I guess there is no question, just want to share with you my situation and perhaps you can tell me what is going on between me and him. And perhaps from the way he behave / saying things, he does have deep feelings for me but just not ready to say it coz it’s too early.

    He did tell me that what scares him is his feelings used to fade fast, by knowing that, it scares me too but I hope if I am the right woman for him, that won’t happen …..

    Thanks.

    • Thanks for sharing Rosy. And welcome of course to Why Do Guys… I received your personal letter.

      It’s great to hear things are working out for both of you.

      One note – I don’t think it’s entirely wrong to share your insecurities. It can come down to how you’re doing it, when you do it, how they make you feel or the most important thing – How you handle them.

      Men, again at certain times, do want to hear about them. It makes them feel special. It shows you trust them with your inner thoughts.

      Glad you stumbled by. :) You’re welcome.

  • islandgirl

    Hey Pete,

    Update:
    He has been gone a little over a month now and we communicate via e-mail regularly (every week, sometimes more). I received an e-mail from him a few days ago in response to one of my emails and I would appreciate your feedback. I am seeking to understand his message to me. A part of me thinks I understand but I would like your input (honest guy’s point of view) to determine whether I am on the right track or totally out in left-field.

    His Email: You are special to me. I tell myself this very often and recently even more so. I feel quite lonely here. There are many friendly people here, don’t get me wrong, but making a quality friend is rare. Especially harder when I’m just learning a language. Please know that everything we have together I value dearly. I know you will be in my life for a long time and that gives me a very complete feeling. Our relationship does not have clearly defined parameters, but it was not casual. It is strong and wonderful. Remember I only said “see you later”. You may see me sooner than you expect:-)

    I truly appreciate your input and look forward to your response.
    Islandgirl

    • Peter White

      Oh Island Girl, you know exactly what he’s saying. ;) Haha!

      His words, “Our relationship does not have clearly defined parameters” has him in a state of, (or in my words means) “I just can not wait any longer to DEFINE our parameters… Grrrr.” :D

      He misses you girl. Be coy – tease him a little – and let the sparks fly as they will. I’m sure it’s exactly what he’s imagining being so far from you.

      Thanks for the update. I appreciate it.

  • Paula

    A man that ive been seeing on an off for 2/12yrs recently wanted to see me more and we became intimidate. Right before we met his previous girlfriend died suddenly so he was just looking for friends.so when e becam intimidate I was surprised. He would send late night texts saying I am in his thoughts he’s thinking about me. He even said that maybe he should start thinking about absorbing more of my time. Two weeks after that I saw him at a seafood festival with another women.i just waked away and have not heard from him since.i don’t understand maybe you can help me.thank you Paula

    • Peter White

      Hello Paula. It appears I have missed your comment so I’m catching up.

      I’d love to try to help you…

      I don’t have too much information to go by but it just feels like the timing wasn’t there.

      He was probably looking for more of a support thing than a long-lasting relationship. It’s unfortunate it lasted that long and it saddens me to say, he may have been considering its end, long before he just disappeared.

      I imagine for some people it’s hard to leave someone who was “there” when he needed someone the most. It’s even tougher when that person happens to be you.

      I will also mention seeing someone “on and off” typically one or both are seeing other people throughout the whole thing. In that case he has probably seen other women. In a rare case having you see him like that, mixed with fact you were there for him at such an emotional time, you were friends who became intimate which complicated the situation… probably means he was/is too scared of facing you because of it.

      And so – he slithers away “hoping” things will take care of themselves.

      We all know how that works don’t we? It doesn’t and usually leaves one person hurt for a very very unnecessarily long time.

      In that strange sense, consider yourself lucky for not ending up with a guy who didn’t show the “strength” or balls to face you. To be there for you with at least the truth.

      Thanks for writing in Paula and I do hope I’ve helped you a little,

      Pete

  • anne

    This guy I used to date 13 yrs ago contacted me by email (he told me he did find my info thru FB) and met back in May since we live really far away. He treated me great while my visit in his town when we met and basically told me he always liked me. We had an intimate relationship for a few days since I had to come back. We have been in touch texting for 5 months now and we talk almost every day, but he just resently started to ignore my texts eventhough he knows we will meet again this November. At the beginning he used to tell me how important I was, and I started to open my feelings to him. He then stopped telling me about his feeling until about one week ago he mentioned that it was going to be very good to him to meet again in November. He has answered most of my emails and text (except one or 2) in a 5month period, but sometimes I feel he is trying to ignore me because he wants me to fall more for him, or is it because he is loosing interest due to the long distance relationship? I am planning to start ignoring him (not texting at all) hopefully he will react to it. What do you think is happening in his mind? Finally when I tell him that I miss him or a good night text, he always replies to me in a possitive way, not telling me that he misses me to, but that he likes what I said…

    • Peter White

      Hello Anne,

      After 13 years of nothing a guy you used to date contacted you. He found you on Facebook. He told you he always liked you. You’ve been texting and talking for 5 months almost every day. He’s answered most of your emails and text except for a few…

      Lately he seems a little distant and you “practically” accuse him of ignoring you on purpose – so you’ll like him even more.

      Your plan then is to start ignoring him. Hoping he’ll react (positively?)

      Yes Anne. There is a possibility the long distance is not working for him. So slowly over time he may in fact disappear, cutting the contact down until it’s practically nothing.

      But I’m warning you – playing the “ignore him” game will only make the relationship seem even more distant to him.

      I wish I could alleviate your stress. I understand how long distant relationships can be kind of blind. How you just don’t know “things” because you’re not physically around the person you love. And making accurate assessments of what’s going on with him can be like a guessing game.

      I understand how you’re always left to wonder…

      However you must trust his actions so far, have proven to be favoring you above all these obstacles before both of you.

      What you’re in is a complex situation and you must understand “that” is going to cause your mind to wonder like never before. One small word or action on his part can send your mind running scenarios which are based on your past and present experiences with ALL men. You will project these images and find every reason to believe them.

      I’m sorry to say I can not possibly tell you exactly what’s happening in his mind.

      But I can say – communicate trust – don’t make the situation more complex than it already is – and understand men have a funny way of revealing their feelings but they are obvious.

      If he’s looking forward to seeing you again AND is making plans to make it happen, then I suggest you focus on making sure that meeting is not hindered by ignoring him, hoping he’ll come running and giving you the attention you are seeking.

      Listen… Men won’t always talk about their feelings. We’re very strict on what they are and rarely are they ever more complicated. Once they’re said, unless something changes, we might not feel the need to talk about them for a given period.

      You tell him you miss him and he responds positively. Which means he enjoys being missed. It kind of proves to him your devotion is true.

      Try to stay away from thinking just becomes he’s not getting back to you every time you write he’s distancing himself. See for yourself and stay in the present.

      Hoping November comes quickly for you,

      Pete

  • Debbie

    Hey….I love reading your comments…so to the point and true.. I need you to help me put into perspective the feelings I have for a guy… He’s my builder…he’s been doing work on my house..which he is making sure takes all day. We talk lots…honestly and deeply about many things, including his girlfriend. He knows I’m happily on my own and have been for three years, he knows I won’t settle for another wrong guy. He tells me all the time how him and his partner have nothing in common..how he wants to leave her..how she dosnt trust him and goes down his phone..how she refuses to work whilst spending his money all day while he works..they have two children which he adores.. I havnt said anything but listened as I don’t want to alter he’s way of thinking as he has a lot going on..but there is such an attraction between us..more than physical. When he texts me he always keeps it’s so professional as the girlfriend goes down he’s phone..but the last time I saw him..when he was leaving..he said ” goodbye..and it’s really good to see you” I was totally thrown by this..but dancing inside…I text him a week later about finishing the work ..he text back ” see you soon..take care” as silly as this may seem to some reading this..I’m awful at reading guys…us that friendly or is he starting to feel the same as I do?? I’ve kept everything to myself about it to him..he is a respectful guy and wouldn’t try anything whilst he was with the girlfriend..but I’m now thinking…should I let him carry on with the work or find a new builder..I only ask as I do actually want to see him again..but feel bad for liking a guy in a relationship as I’ve never been in this piston before.. Help…

    • Peter White

      Hi Debbie. Believe it or not, I hate reading my comments. :) But I love reading everyone else’s… and I do love to talk.

      You said a few things which stood out for me, “but there is such an attraction between us” and “I’m awful at reading guys”

      Now normally this would confuse most men. Luckily I’m far from normal.

      Go with your first intuition. If you’re feeling something – he’s bound to feel it too. If you go with your uncertainty he may begin to feel confused and uncertain himself.

      This means stop questioning every word and scrutinizing the deeper meaning behind them. You’ll only drive yourself crazy and soon find yourself “fishing” for more when you should be… going along for the ride.

      My opinion is the “ride” thing. Keep him as your builder. It’s a safe relationship which is working.

      That way you can be close without attempting something else which could easily jeopardize his relationship with his girlfriend.

      My idea is to stay in his life without crossing certain boundaries because this may be a long-term investment. You don’t want him to leave her and suddenly find yourself in his arms.

      You have to accept the best possible route is allow his life to work out the best he sees fit and then slowly introduce more.

      Avoid being his break-up girl. Rebounds are real and rarely last positively.

      And Debbie – I see nothing wrong with liking a guy who is in a relationship as long as you have no previous liking for only men ho are involved.

      It’s not something you control. It just happens. You can stop feeling bad and start feeling good of what you both are sharing. (And you’re getting a job done by a guy who is probably going to put in a little more effort than most. Can’t beat that ;) )

      Thanks for sharing your truths Debbie,

      Pete

  • Gemgem

    Hi there,

    Very insightful post, thank you. And I find that you really understand women, men and relationship in general ( consider I read and search tons of relationship advice/blogs everyday!!).

    With that I want to ask you your thought about my situation:

    I’ve been in a relationship with a guy for 6 months now…. He’s a great guy, with ambition and passion in life. It started off really well we both really into each other but we don’t see each other very often as we’re both busy in our life. I noticed something changed and there’s some distance between us two months into the relationship. I found out it was because he might have to move to another country the following year. To make it short, we talked about it and we decided to continue and see what happens because the move is not a definite and closer to the end of the year will have a more clear picture, and most of all I really enjoy being with him. Now into our 6th months, I’ve noticed his affection towards me has increased dramatically. He texts me every single day when he wakes up, at the middle of the day and kisses me before he sleep. He travels a lot with work and also personally and I notice that he has more desire for me when he’s away and he would say he miss me while if he’s not away he would only say he’s thinking of me when I tell him I miss him. Last month he arranged a whole day surprise for my birthday and we spent such a wonderful time together and he gave me some very thoughtful gifts. We support each other’s life problems/events in a very fulfilling ways through encourage words/suggestion.

    Ok.. Here’s my question. He has never say I Love You even though I can feel that he likes me a lot…. He says ‘ I’m thinking of you’ all the time instead of ‘I miss you..’ He had never come to my place to spend time with me ( I live in suburban and he lives in the city, and also I have kids with my previous marriages living with me), he never ask to say he wants to meet my kids.. I’ve never see his family ( they live overseas) or his friends ( though recently he has been talking more about wanting to introduce me to his friends). I guess the uncertainty of moving country and he also has a big exam coming up next months which he has been prepared ever since we started dating plays the role in my situation. Do you think he loves me and should I ask him how he think about us? Should I invite him to meet my kids? Sorry for this loooog message. Thank you!!

  • Pauline

    Hi Peter,
    thank you for your posts, they are full of insights. I also love the way you’re interacting with people in the comments section this is why I’ve decided to take the plunge and share my thoughts with you today.
    I have been sharing a flat with a guy since the past nine months. We are both single and in our late 30’s. I have been feeling that a great connection developped between us. Since the start we shared long conversations and have very similar lifestyles. I also felt from the very beginning a physical attraction (don’t know if it’s only on my side though). I am a foreigner and went back to my home country during the summer. He kept saying he would miss me before I left. We also shared many hugs. We communicated through email during the summer. He said he was thinking about me and was looking forward to seeing me again. As summer passed by I really felt a deep connection. He shared deep feelings with me. I was quite apprehensive coming back as I felt something had to happen – there was so much tension while we were apart. That’s when things get complicated. During all these months I always held back. I never told him I would miss him and never told I was missing him (I ventured once telling him that I was missing our conversations…). I was so tensed about the whole thing – not knowing how he really felt towards me and being afraid of rejection. Part of this fear is coming from the fact that he is quite attractive and likes to be surrounded with girls. As far as I understand, he didn’t have many relationships when he was younger. He was shy and introverted and focused on his studies. So my guess is that he is now enjoying his looks and good social status and enjoying this power he didn’t have in the past. I have seen him flirting with girls around him and have been wondering “Am I just another one of these girls? I am making up this connection I am feeling?”. So despite the feeling of connection and attraction that had built up during the summer, we just huged very briefly when we saw each other again. I know I was very tensed and made sure to avoid any physical closeness (he wasn’t there at the time I came back but had left a box of cupcakes in the flat as well as a note saying welcome back and that he had missed me). Since then (I came back a few weeks ago), things have been quite weird. It’s gone from being very far away from each other but very close emotionally, to being very close physically but very distant otherwise. These last few days I have felt even more disconnected and am thinking “Was it all in my head? Have I ruined everything?”…
    Anyway I feel more and more frustrated about this. I don’t feel I am true to myself or to him, pretending all is fine when it’s not. The fact we’re flatmates doesn’t help. I have all these what ifs… what if I tell him and things don’t turn out well… If I decide to tell him something how/what should I tell him?
    Thanks for reading me! :-)

    • Hello Pauline. Great to hear you decided to “take the plunge.” It means a lot.

      The way I see it (well if I was in his position) – those of us who have the ability to pay attention to what is going on around us AND experienced shyness in our younger years have developed either a bad habit (when used internally) or a great skill (when used externally) … well we feel up to ten times as to what is going on around us.

      This simply means – all the fears you speak of, the confusion, the tension, the back and forth emotions, avoiding physical contact after, the frustration, every “what if” that flashes in your mind…

      That is what we’re reading from you and if this is taken internally (the bad habit) then we go through exactly what you’re going through. We doubt. We wonder. We worry about rejection. We grow even more tense as we approach the physical proximity barrier.

      You see, all your doubts are rubbing off on him because that is what he is reading from you.

      And now, in my position, if that was me, because I learned to direct those emotions externally – I’d be all “Awww she digs me… How cute!” And I’d probably tease you about it.

      But since he’s not doing (that) I’m assuming he’s internalizing everything you do. This “sub-textual” language becomes hard to escape and often leads to “weirdness.”

      I doubt you ruined anything. I doubt it’s all “in your head” unless you’ve got him completely wrong and he’s some sort of “master seducer.”

      My bet is that he’s learned to flirt and yes enjoys it but a big part of him still fears the past shyness. The lack of social skills may easily cause him to mis-read you and just assume you’re not into him bcause just maybe, you’re not acting like those other women do.

      Remember – as humans we feed off each others emotions. Sure the stronger person wins. If you’re were to surround yourself with confident full of life people chances are you WILL become stronger and more confident.

      The same goes for ALL male-female relationships of all forms.

      My advice is to immediately break the physical barrier. Do it delicately of course. A light touch. A soft look and a tap on the arm. Things like that. Avoid hugs until it feels comfortable and natural to do it.

      You must then present confidence in yourself and what you want. It’s him, right? So you can either sit and wait hoping things will work out (and suffer through the awkwardness) or take the real plunge we’re talking about and send strong assured signals of – “Hey I’m a sexy woman. YOU turn me on. I dare you to come get me.”

      Take all those internal questions and refocus them externally like I learned to do. Trust me it’s much more enjoyable AND the fears will go away.

      Even if things don’t work out, what you learn to do, you can do with everyone. I’m not just talking about picking up every flatmate and ravishing him ;) Socially speaking it’s a skill which practically eliminates doubts and fears and every “what if” you have experienced in the past.

      Does that all make sense?

      Listen. It’s not the end of the world if things don’t work out. You take what I’ve given you today and you can’t lose – in the end.

      Let him know how you feel by first, slowly breaking down the physical barriers, trust the connection, thrive on the tension as being purely the good sexual kind, the project a feeling of confidence so he can internalize that instead.

      After that, everything seems to happen naturally because as I always said – we’re all meant to attract. All we have to do is realize we’re the perfect compliment to someone else because we are in fact, designed that way.

      Hope that helps you out Pauline, best of luck and all that goes along with it, :D

      Pete

      • Pauline

        Thank you so much for your answer Pete.
        I think – but you must have got that feedback plenty of times before – that your input is so powerful because it is non-judgmental. And listening purely, without judging, is a very rare skill…
        Anway I will follow your advice. Thanks again :-)

        • You’re welcome Pauline. And thank you. It’s always good to hear some great feedback.

  • Jenny

    There this guy that I talk to online in a chat app. We never met in real life before but he got his profile picture up. We talked for about 3 months and it was a great time. Then slowly, we are busy with each other life so we did not talk much for a month or so. But recently, he sent me a message , he said ” saw this and thought of you” with a picture of the object that he saw that remind him of me. What does this mean? Does he still like me? Should I answer him? What should I say? Please help. Thank you

    • Hello Jenny – of course he still likes you.

      Remember men don’t lose the “attraction” just because of distance. In fact men hold on to their emotions for much longer than you could imagine. Our sometimes single minded focus keep those we cherish the most, especially the ones we’re physically and mentally attracted to, always popping up.

      It most likely means he’s trying to fit you back in his life. Whether or not that is possible is beyond me. That depends on where you both are in your life and where you plan on being in the near future.

      I would definitely answer him and have a great time again.

      If I was him, I would be hoping you’d send a recent picture of yourself smiling with no message attached at all. If that’s not possible just say, “I think the world is trying to keep us apart. :D

      That way you can set the world against your possible relationship, team up together, and defeat the “busy-ness” together.

      Then make sure you have fun with it.

      Thanks Jenny and make sure you keep us informed on what happens,

      Pete

  • J'Lynne

    I have no idea how old this post is but I have to say it is dead on. Last night the guy I had been seeing off and on for a while told me several times in one night that he had been thinking about me. The last time he said it I responded with, “what exactly were you thinking?”. He began to tell me how much he thinks of me (beautiful, intelligent, nice? and…) He then says I was thinking I dont really know how you feel about me. I responded, I ‘ve told you before that I really like you and I cant pinpoint exactly why. He says, Its like that sometimes. I guess now I am just waiting for him to make the next move. I think he is beginning to realize he wants more from me or should I make the next move.

    • Thank you J’Lynne.

      If I were you I’d make the next move because it’s been my experience (past personal and others) that guys who say one way or another “I don’t really know how you feel about me” AND they’re sort of fishing for an answer “Been thinking about you” rarely ever make the first move.

      When I was unsure of myself and how women felt about me they always made the first move because I couldn’t.

      So… part of me is saying – Go For it! :)

      Pete

  • Rae

    Hi. I enjoyed this article and have a question. I’ve been in a relationship for two years and we’re crazy about each other. But I was checking my bf’s email for him and noticed in his trash folder that he emailed a girl “thinking of you.” Now, we’ve had issues in the past with this girl and he promised me he wouldn’t have anything to do with her anymore. Would you think something was going on if your partner told another person of the opposite sex they were “thinking of” them?

    • Hi Rae. Sorry but I wouldn’t say something IS actually going on but I would be curious and concerned he’s writing that to another woman.

      It’s not all bad. Sometimes these things can develop and bring people together. Obviously there’s no guarantee.

      But it is my opinion, as a “dude” :) if I wrote a past girl “thinking of you” then I experienced some shift of doubt. Something would have to cause me to reach out. What that is depends on the guy and the situation.

      I don’t expect this “confession” to clear up everything but I do hope it helps you in the end.

      Best of luck to you Rae,

      Pete

  • Mariah

    Hi Pete,

    I was dating this guy for a couple of years and I ended things with him because I just felt like things didn’t add up from his ex relationship. It wasn’t a good breakup and asked him to delete my number. Now a year and a half later he emails me out of the blue saying, “Just thinking of you and hoping all is well with you” I don’t know what to think. I’m happy yet confused and mad because I feel like after we broke up he went back with his ex and now he’s trying to contact me? Please help. Thanks!

    • Peter White

      Hi Mariah,

      I would say since you ended it and he rejected the break up, leading to a fight, then he still has feelings for you. Whether he went back to his ex or not will not change how he feels about you.

      So once in a while – more if he still had your number, he will try to re-connect with you hoping you’ve changed your mind.

      When it comes to love and relationships us guys hold on for a really long time. We’re kind of stubborn that way. :)

      Maybe that’s a good thing. Maybe not. Haha!

      From my experience and research – breakups – fighting – thinking – hoping – all point to feeling something. Which also means holding on to those feelings for as long as we can.

      Going back to an ex after we just lost someone is very common because lots of men search for comfort and intimacy during this time. And who better to fill that than an old flame.

      But going back never changes how we feel. It just helps us to cope. It’s often an emotionally safe place to be.

      Understanding all that leads me to say – he has never really lost how he feels about you. You’re on his mind but he is respecting you by not contacting you for a while and he had no easy way to continue the contact, AND the coping and safety net he fell to is not what he really wants.

      You’re welcome Mariah and of course, all the best to you,

      Pete

  • shannon honey♡★

    Hey Pete, I was dating this guy a year ago and …. the relationship went bad
    Meaning:I was deeply in love with him and I felt like he didnt beacuse he cheated. But anyhow, yesterday he came by my parents house (thats where I normally relax at ) out of nowhere !!! I mean after a year????
    and was talking to my parents but …. here’s the moment: he kept glancing at me???? Why????? So idk what to do ??
    Why would he show up after a year of no contact ??
    Thanks Shannon•◇□☆☆★

    • Peter White

      Hey Shannon,

      It’s my belief when a guy cheats it’s mainly about him and not the person he’s cheating on.

      Obviously there ARE exceptions and different circumstances but even when you consider, let’s say a guy commits before he’s ready – he still has the choice to end it BEFORE he starts something else.

      Or if it’s a sex problem it’s in his character to talk it through first.

      With that little said (because there’s so much more to it all) …

      If you believe, like me, the cheating is mostly about him and not you, don’t expect the guy to change how he feels about you even after a year or possibly longer.

      If he didn’t care about you at all and he cheated on you, a year later, he still probably would care much more than his own guilty feelings.

      But if he did care and screwed it up somehow – then he’s still going to harbor those feelings for a really long time. This time can even outlast a future relationship with other women and more.

      In some circumstances a man cheats because he doesn’t love himself, not because he doesn’t love her.

      I’m not excusing the action Shannon. I’m not judging it either Miss Honey.

      Merely stating self-sabotage, poor ego or confidence, or the ability to believe in ones self enough to believe others can love you back just as much as you love them – that’s all very common in a guy’s world and who is to say in their shoes, I wouldn’t have done the same thing.

      But men – even if they cheat – is never solid evidence they don’t love you therefore when a man experiences real love he opens up a part of him which will stay open for a long time to the person he feels he gave it too.

      Given time – they’ll visit your parents. See how you’re doing. Glance at you to remind them of the past. Mostly the good parts and how they screwed it up.

      You’re welcome Shannon honey (with some stars and stuff after :) )

      Hope that helps you,

      Pete

  • Shamcey

    Hi Peter,

    I’ve read your blog and admired how you advise. Couldn’t help but try to ask for your advise too. This is my first time :)

    There is a guy I met online. We had a relationship. But he tells me he is in a bad situation because he is not yet stable. He is in his late 40’s and I am in my late 30’s. I told him I am searching for a serious relationship and if we are not on the same boat, then we could end it now. He refused to end it saying that he is falling in love with me and that our relationship might lead to something else. So I stayed thinking that the relationship would progress. We were happy. Although we broke up once because I got jealous of his too many female friends on FB, we rekindled because he said he missed me and still love me.

    But after 7 months, our communication weren’t as frequent as before. He said it’s because his new job is taking up so much of his time that his health is even starting to decline. But there were times I would see him online on a dating site for hours so I started asking why he has time to login on a dating site but doesn’t have time to chat with me anymore? On many occasions, he could not keep his words and promises, he was full of excuses. He was also adding more and more female friends on FB. I felt so rejected so I broke up with him. That was the time he told me he’s not ready for a commitment. It really broke my heart. I told him NOT to contact me again! He said he will respect and even honor my decision.

    But after 1 year (just recently), he contacted me by saying he thinks of me often and he still cared for me. And that he still have my pictures and look at them often. He also wants us to chat again. We chatted once and he told me he dated a girl but didn’t work out. Should I continue talking to him? Should I be friends with him?

    Thanks in advance, Peter. I will appreciate any comment from you.

    Shamcey

  • Marianne

    Hi Peter,

    I love your blog. You give sound advice. I’m hoping that you can give me advice on my situation.

    About a year and a half ago I a man for a brief 10 minutes. He went up to me at a bar, and since I was tired from a wedding, I wasn’t really paying attention. He did ask for my number and assuming I’d never see him again since he was just in town for the weekend to fish and seeing as how he also got the number from my friend, I brushed off the encounter. A few hours later he texted telling me it was nice to meet me. I was prepared to brush him off until we kept talking via text which became phone calls. The catch? He was in the process of divorce with 2 young kids in the mix. Fearful of getting burned, I told him I couldn’t do anything (like visit him) until after his divorce was finalized.

    Everything was amazing. I found myself able to talk to him easily and we were able to talk to each other like we’ve known each other all our lives. And then he disappeared for nearly 3 months – he reached out when his divorced was finalized – I ended up pushing him away because I felt hurt and confused. We stopped talking until months later I decided to reach out. He was so relieved I did and we picked up right where we left off. He explained that he had been through a lot with the divorce and he was in a financial bind, especially when his new business went under. But this time he seemed distant and the constant daily texts stopped. Then one day a woman added me on Facebook and I didn’t know her. I asked him if he knows her seeing as how she lives in the same city as he does. He admitted he does and that they went out a couple of times, nothing more, and that there was a lot of red flags with her, and that she looked at his phone without him knowing. Feeling mistrustful and not wanting any trouble, I told him straight out to sort things out with her if he’s still involved with her (which he denied) and to leave me out of it because I easily get hurt. He responded assuring me he isn’t involved with her and I stopped responding.

    5 months later he reached out and said “I miss you.” At this point I had willed myself to move on, which proved to fruitless, but I felt compelled to respond. His texts to me is inconsistent. He did fish around to visit me which I blocked because we haven’t kept in touch for so long and I am not one to jump into anything. without feeling safe about it. He asked me if I have a man. I asked him if he has a girlfriend and he said, “No. I have too much on my plate.” He asked, “Do you want to get together?” I didn’t answer directly and then he said, “Oh come on. We have chemistry.”

    That’s it! I never could figure out why he and I just are drawn to each other. It’s chemistry. We have it! I’ve never experienced that with anyone before, and I’m 30!

    He asked me yesterday to visit him this summer at the new town where he got a new job. He’s wanting to take me to a concert. I said yes, even though I’m still fearful.

    I guess I want to know is…why does he keep holding on to me when we had only met for 10 minutes? Is he emotionally attached to me? Do you think his feelings are genuine?

    What’s your perspective?

    Thanks for your time :)

  • Tera

    We broke about 9 mos now. He emailed and said “thinking about you” and with a picture of my favorite food. So I emailed him back and said “that’s my favorite food at Chessecake Factory. What does it mean.

    thanks,
    Tera

  • gina

    My boyfriend is going threw hard times. .but he will text me everyday. What should I do

  • Aja

    Hi Pete!

    It is so refreshing to hear a perspective from a man, and to see how patient you are to reply to everyone, giving me hope that you will give me a male perspective.

    I went on a date with this man, and we talked romantically for about 2 months straight. We seemed to hit off, and have chemistry, but we knew I would be living abroad for two years in Europe. Naturally, and understandably our romance ended several weeks before my leaving. Over the course of my first year, we had no contact, and maybe 6 months into the year he found a girlfriend and his currently in a relationship. Well now, about one year later of no contact, recently he texted me saying- he was just thinking of me and wondering if I am still in Spain, and if so, he hopes I am great.

    I was SHOCKED to “hear” from him a year later! Since he has a girlfriend, I sent him a neutral response, that I am still in Spain, things are going great, and I hope he is well. The conversation did not go past that.

    Why did he have the nerve, to contact me a year later saying he was thinking of me, when he is in a new relationship? What is he implying? I miss him. His text woke up feelings that I wanted to be gone. But I do not mess with men who are in relationships.

    Thank you!
    Aja

  • Michelle

    Hi Pete,

    I don’t won’t to say we have been dating. But we have been hanging out for 3 months regularly at least 4 times a week or more mostly at my place, with him staying over night, I do stay at his place but I have kids so it’s easier to be at my place. We do enjoy each others company, we try not bring any pressure such labeling a relationship since we both just got out one. So basically trying to be real good friends first, which has been hard since we both have the same circle of friends. And both of us trying not to let any of our friends know that we secretly hang out outside the group. My question is it’s seems things are changing, we are calling he each other pet names like baby, honey, sweetie, etc.. He text and calls numberous (which I love) that he’s thinking about me. He recently lost his job and he is living with a room mates which he doesn’t like and of course I offered for him to move with me considering he had already been staying over already days on end. Not sure what’s happening with our friendship, considering we always would say that we would be “friends to the end”. I have met his mother, father, his step- father already and his had met some of my family earlier on like the second month. It seems things are moving fast but it’s pleasurable, it’s not a stressful, effortless, but at the same time we can have very serious conversations without drama which is something new to us considering our history… It’s just a little scary… He cooks for me, if I’m sick he will drop everything and drive me to the doctor I have never been with someone who shows such care and concern…LOL… sometimes I wonder if he’s for real!

    • Peter White

      Hi Michelle, He’s as real as you think he is. Remember it’s always easier to go from “friendly” to more and tends to build a better relationship than it is to go from “all sex first” and try to make something of it.

      As long as neither of you forget there’s more to relationships than just enjoying each other’s company – let things develop naturally. It’s obviously already happening anyways.

      HE sounds like a great guy – hope he finds a new job soon, it will do wonders for your “budding” relationship and don’t forget to cook for him once in a while. Unless you’re terrible at it. In that case – take him out for a nice meal. :)

      Happy for you Michelle,

      Pete

  • Paris

    Hi Pete,
    I been friend with this guy for 7 years we never meet but lived about 2 hour from each other we talk about meeting up soon. One time he text me he was thinking about me and now he sending me flirty emoji icon liked blowing a kiss and monkey covered it mouth…. He never initated the texts I guess he is shy but he always reply back in 5min or less and it was odd he text was horny about 2-3 week ago I was in shock

  • Jenna

    Hi Pete,

    Looking forward to hearing your perspective on this:

    This guy and I met online and we hit off really well. We had a lot of chemistry and passion when we were physically together — but he was pretty absent otherwise (occasional texts, no phone calls). After a month of dating, he started pushing me away. When I finally confronted him, he told me that he couldn’t handle a committed relationship because he needed to focus on his career. I was heart-broken and we ended it soon after that. I didn’t want to become more emotionally invested in a guy who was emotionally unavailable. After a month no contact, he sends me a message out of the blue saying “Hey Jenna! Thought of you today. Hope you are doing awesome as usual.” Now that I’m finally moving on, I’m hesitant to respond because I don’t know his intentions. Does this mean he’s still interested? or does this mean he just wants to hook up? If he was willing to let me go the first time, he probably wasn’t interested in me all that much to begin with right? I just don’t want to get hurt again.

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