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She’s Wondering Why A Guy Disappears Leaving Her Confused And Hurt

in The Disappearing Man
Confused as to why a guy disappears without an explanation when there’s nothing wrong. You’re not even in a relationship.

This is an actual comment from a reader and she was looking for opinions from everyone on her situation. If you would like to help her out you can leave your answers below. I decided to post it up separately and see where that takes us.

Without downplaying her situation and respectfully of course I’ll try to summarize it up…

She met a guy. They hit it off. She found out he had a girlfriend and respected his situation.

Shortly he pulled away from the “friendship” without telling her why. She assumed it was his relationship and she was right.

He broke up with his girlfriend and re-entered her life BUT things became complicated when his school studies were suffering through no fault of her.

From that point on his conversations went dry and then he just disappeared without an explanation.

She has a lot of questions but mainly is looking for an explanation from him. Possibly closure. An end to the mystery and a deeper understanding of one of the greatest words the world has even known… WHY?

Thanks for sharing Mia and I do hope this will help you and everyone else who has ever experienced a similar situation of why some guys disappear even when there’s nothing really wrong with the “relationship” because it never developed to that anyways…

Here’s the comment:

After reading this blog (which by the way was well written and very insightful) it reminded me of my current situation and I hope by commenting I can receive some answers.

Before I explain myself, I would like to point out that I do not have much experience when it comes to “dating”, so my problem may seem a little immature and young.

I hope that whoever reads this will spare any negative judgement. I simply want an opinion.

I met this guy about six months ago during my first week of university.

We seemed to hit it off very quickly, and before I knew it I developed feelings for him.

Unfortunately, I found out through a friend he had a girlfriend.

He had never mentioned her, and maybe I should have asked, but seeing as though I thought this attraction was one- sided, I didn’t bother looking into it. I just thought he wanted to keep his relationship private.

I decided to accept the fact he had a girlfriend, and I knew nothing would happen between us. So I just continued to act as though everything was fine.

I’m not the type of girl to jeopardize or “steal” a guy from their girlfriends, so I respected his situation and treated him like a friend.

We never saw each other outside of class and we did not message each other that much.

Naturally, my feelings for him changed and I got over my crush on him. From then on everything seemed alright.

Suddenly, he stopped talking to me, and to say the least it hurt a little.

At the time I didn’t understand what happened, only because I couldn’t think of any reasons of what I could have done that would make him shut me out.

A friend of mine pointed out that maybe it was because there was a possibility he developed feelings for me.

I didn’t believe her.

While we were talking, we did not flirt or (at least in my mind) there was no sexual tension.

I genuinely believed nothing was going on between us and that I just lost a friend.

I figured maybe he didn’t want to stay in touch.

If he didn’t want to talk to me than why should I force it?

I cut ties with him and just continued on with my life.

Now to finally state the real problem, three months go by and I find out he and his girlfriend have broken up. I didn’t think much about it, and to be honest I didn’t really care.

But he messaged me out of the blue, and asked me after all this time how I was doing.

I thought for sure he wanted to find a rebound. I kept the conversation short and didn’t bother showing any interest.

After that I never heard from him again.

However, about three months after that, I had to enrol in summer school and we ended up running into each other in the halls while we were going to our classes.

Not to make the situation awkward we both said hello.

Shortly after that, he started to message me again and I began feeling a little annoyed by his sudden interest. To be polite I messaged him back.

Our conversation was friendly, but I didn’t look into it.

Eventually he asked to “hang out”.

Still feeling annoyed, I blew him off and told him I was busy with school. He seemed to have accepted it, but I was wrong.

A week goes by and we do not speak to each other. I left our last conversation aside and just focused on what was important to me (which was school). But again he messaged me and asked if I wanted to hang out.

Once again I blew him off.

The cycle returns.

A week goes by, we do not speak to each other and finally he asks to hang out.

Most of my friends advised against me spending time with him alone. However, a part of me wanted too, only to ask and understand why we had stopped talking.

I caved in and finally agreed to meet him.

When I asked him what had happened, he looked at me straight in the eyes and in the most serious tone said,

“It’s not like I heard from you either.”

I was a little surprised.

For a while I thought he didn’t care about me, but it all started to make sense.

My friend was right.

He had developed feelings for me and he didn’t want to hurt his girlfriend. So he decided to save his relationship and cut me off.

I understood where he was coming from. However, I came to the realization there was no point in dwelling on it.

For whatever reason, his relationship had ended and he was making the effort to reconnect.

I forgave him in a way, and decided to let him back in my life. We began messaging each other every day and seeing each other outside of class.

It was completely new from how we were before.

It wasn’t difficult to assume he had strong feelings for me. He treated me well and we had a lot of fun together. I began to like him a lot as well.

In fact I grew to care about him far more than I did when we were friends. I never felt like this about anyone before. We connected in a way I didn’t think would happen.

The first semester of summer school ended, and we both went on vacation for a week.

He went back home to visit his family and I went to Europe with one of my close friends.

For the whole time we were apart we messaged each other everyday.

I felt like this was going in the right direction.

He wanted to see me as soon as we got back from our vacations, and we did. But he seemed a little off.

I asked him what was wrong and he told that he didn’t do very well on his exams. His GPA was not high enough to stay inside of his program and his father was threatening to transfer him to the university in his home town if he didn’t pull his grades up.

Of course I felt saddened by this. I did my best to reassure him and tell him that everything will be fine.

From there the rest of our time together went back to normal.

Eventually we both said our goodbyes, and went home.

The next couple of days I didn’t hear from him. I figured he was busy with his classes, and I don’t want to be clingy so I just left him alone.

Three days go by and I still didn’t hear from him.

I thought there was no harm in messaging him to see how he was doing.

The conversation was so dry and different I felt so confused and hurt.

He didn’t bother to ask me how I was doing, and he barely made the effort to talk to me.

Maybe my reaction was immature.

But how do you go from messaging a person everyday and making the effort to see them, to acting as though you are complete strangers?

I ended the conversation and didn’t contact him for two weeks.

He didn’t bother to message me either. I’m not the unreasonable type.

I understand that he has a lot of pressure from school.

If he wanted to distance himself away from me for those reasons, than he should just say so.

If he has lost interest in me, than he should just say so.

Acting as though I don’t exist hurts more than him breaking things off with me.

Even though we have only been seeing each other for a month, we are not official. So I understand if in that month things have changed for him.

Ignoring me again is not the way to send that message across.

The bottom line is, whatever he’s going through I don’t understand why he can’t just talk about it with me, or at least if he wants to end it, he should at least give an explanation.

However, I have not lost interest in him.

Anyway, I know I wrote a novel here, sorry if it’s a long read but I’m confused by his behaviour and I wish to find a solution.

If anyone can help a sister out, that would be wonderful.

Thanks for sharing… Remember this was NOT written by me. You can leave your answers below. I’m sure Mia will appreciate your honest feedback… Pete

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Peter White. Just some guy every woman should get to know because, well I “think” like a guy. 🙂 Stay in touchnewsletter, Why Do Guys Facebook – Twitter @peterwhite125Thanks for stopping by and be good, be bad, just BE something.

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3 comments… add one
  • Emma

    Hi Mia,
    I might be the ladt person to give you an advice but, I’ve experienced something similar recently and think it might be good to share it with you.
    I was in the same class with this guy three years ago but never liked for the whole of our first year in college, but after that I was cool with him. Geting to the end of last year we kept bumping into each other the train station on the way to college(we have different courses now) and in college as well and found ourselves engaged in friendly conversations each time. This went on till 4months ago when we
    decided to keep in touch. So, we stated texting each other every time and even decided to meet up each day at the train station so we could go to college together.The way we were, my friends and classmates even thought we wrre dating and when I said we were not, they said we should since we looked cute together. Please find the posts I wrote about this above(My name is Emma). To tell you the truth, I was really into this guy and was hurt when he started ignoring me ans I couldn’t even concentrate but then, I realised that I was in college and working so hard to get into university this Srptember and I knew that if I don’t concentrate and finish hard I wasn’t going to get into university even though I have received offers because they needed my grades to fully accept me. I told myself that if I sit down and think about someone that I wasn’t sure I have a future with, I would end up losing.And it’s been more than a month since I contacted him and I’m doing fine without him and looking forward to university since I now even have bettr grades than the university asked for(this happened after I decided to put the guy on one side of my life)
    Pete has also been really helpful. He pointed it out to me that not every attraction leads to a relationship which I agree with him because you might think that “this is it, this person is right for me but they may not be”. Also, Pete told me that you may feel it for someone but TIMING is really important. This is because, you may fall for someone but it may not be the right time. It may be that this guy you are talking about is still into you but is finding it hard to balance relationship and his studies(Pete told me this and I think he’s right).To be honest with you, I don’t have much experience about relationships eitherI’ve dated once and that relationship did last for 4years and I learnt not to allow yourself to be taken for granted. I would tell you the same thing I told myself; if you guys are meant to be, then he’ll come back if not forget it. But, that doesn’t mean that you should console yourself with it as if you do that, you might end up shutting yourself out from meeting other people or even the right person at the right time. Enjoy your life and be happy and open up and let him see that you can be happy and move on without him.
    There are great guys out there and you need to give it time to meet them.I know Pete will give you more advice since he’s a man and more experienced. Hope this helps for now. Wish you all the best.
    Emma

    • Mia

      Wow, thanks so much Pete! I appreciate you posting this page and I do agree. It’s a matter I’m sure many young women go through!

      To respond to the comment above:
      Hi Emma,

      Thanks for sharing your experience and giving me your perspective on the matter! I really appreciate it! Everything you wrote, I agree with completely. As a mini little update, I ended up finally confronting him. I guess I felt entitled to find some answers, after not hearing from him for three weeks. Originally I decided to just leave it alone and move on. I thought if he was going to act like a jerk and pretend I didn’t exist than I should do the same. But then, where would that leave the situation? More questions unanswered, and I would still feel hurt. I didn’t want a repeat of what happened six months ago. So I called him. And we had a nice conversation. I told him how I honestly felt, and that he should have contacted me to explain what was going on or at least settle the situation. He told me he felt the same. He stated that he really enjoyed the time we spent together, but didn’t contact me in fear that I would get upset if he told me the truth. He admitted that he contemplated in starting a relationship with me, but due to his grades he can’t commit to me “100%” (his words). He explained, during his past relationship his grades had severely suffered. And he was afraid that it would happen again. I understand his logic. Just like you stated Emma, timing IS everything. It took me awhile to realize that. We agreed that we’ll keep in contact and that we should keep hanging out once in a while if we’re not too busy.
      However, I’ll take your advice. This was a good learning experience and something that will make me stronger when dealing with other relationships. I will definitely go out and meet new people, which on its own is exciting. You are right, if it’s meant to be, it’s meant to be. If not, well this time around we have settled the matter and we can always stay friends. I will definitely keep living and enjoying my life! 🙂

      • Peter White

        Great to hear you talked it out Mia so you could get some kind of closure or relief that you didn’t do anything wrong…

        Timing is everything for younger people and if more of them would set aside a relationship ( and just keep in touch without committing ) there’s always a chance to have both later on.

        As hard as that is to do you can end up with both in the end…

        A better relationship built over time and a better chance at a promising career and more to give to the relationship.

        Enjoy meeting new people Mia and I believe you’re going to enjoy how all this turns out.

        A little understanding about men is – many of us just feel like if we can’t give 100% or at least close to that in a relationship we won’t go for it. We’re not always best at saying that because one: Telling a woman we don’t feel as good as she might think we are is tough and Two: Because it’s hard to reject a wonderful woman for reasons outside of how we feel and beyond the person themselves.

        Meaning – it’s one thing to tell a woman we’re not interested in that we’re just not interested in her BUT telling a woman we are but the situation is not right or the timing is not there is so much tougher to explain and unfortunately, it actually makes us feel like less of a man… if that makes sense. 🙂

        Again – enjoy your new understanding and make sure you casually keep in touch with him – very sparingly though okay?

        Best to you Mia,

        Pete

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