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Why Do Guys…?

A Guy’s Definition Of Love and Why Love Can Be So Fleeting To Men

Love does not have to be fleeting for men – bonds will eventually be created.

I was talking to a friend last week and we were discussing you…

Well maybe not you personally 🙂 but women in general.

He confided in me that his girlfriend of many years was great. She was always there for him. Supportive. Great in bed. Independent. Fun. Nurturing.

But then he looked at me and clearly stated,

“But I don’t love her.”

He looked down and was clearly disappointed.

It made him feel guilty. Almost like he was disappointing her.

I’m not sure if she would’ve been okay with hearing that. I know him very well and I’ve assumed he’s never said it to her – you know just to appease her.

The thing is, they’re happy together. They found each other. They both have lived a complete life, children marriage and all, and are both now in a position to enjoy themselves in what is commonly known as their “golden years.”

Well after he listened to me for a while he finally popped the question,

“Why do you think I don’t love her?”

And then even a bigger question,

“What do you think love is?”

I reasoned it all for a second and then came out with my gut reaction because honestly I’m a guy and believe it or not we just don’t think about that kind of stuff very often.

I said,

“Well she seems like a great nurturer. And even though she can never replace your wife (she passed away way too early long ago) she, from what I know of her, doesn’t seem to challenge you enough. She gives and gives and gives, and of course she knows how to give it to him straight when he’s being an ass… but it’s like she’s making it too easy on you.”

You see even when his past wife admitted he “had” her when they got married and raised a family together… she still made him chase her.

She still expected him to live up to his own potential. She never let the slack go. She appealed to his very logical, analytical and strictly “neatish” ways but she always managed to challenge his creative side. Mind you without forcing it or being to over-bearing.

This whole thing made me think a little about love and what it means to a guy like me and probably lots of other men too. They just don’t think of it as much.

Here is what I came up with for you today…

Okay so we can all agree we’re not perfect.

We can also agree we have tendencies to be of a certain type.

Some believe our perfect mate will fill in those gaps and make us feel more perfect. I try to see it as “challenging our less than dominant tendencies” and as we grow and our tendencies shift, so does what we want to fulfill the word love by our own definition.

Now I do believe the more complete we are the more likely we’re to enter a mostly happy fulfilling relationship. Such as the guy above.

He’s lived a full life. He may not be complete in the literal sense of the word – but I bet he feels mostly complete which I suppose is part of the battle.

This “completeness” I talk about differs from our everyday tendencies.

One being more of an internal belief of true happiness (complete) and the other being how we externalize those beliefs.

Me – I’m a strange one to say the least. I’m very logical. Straight forward approach to problem solving. Yet I’ve always been regarded as being highly imaginative. Seemingly operating separately from my logical side.

I rarely logically deduce what my creative mind gives me. I also rarely break down the meanings of famous creative works.

I see what I see and never question how they came up with it. Just agree with myself that I enjoy it.

What I’ve given you is me “externalizing my beliefs.”

Therefore you can assume my perfect mate “someone I would say I love” would fill in those blanks where I tend to fail at constantly.

From that above you can see how hard it is for me to define love to a certain woman.

It would also make it harder for me to say it, unless I truly meant it.

It stands to reason my “perfect mate” is not given half a chance because I’ve accomplished (fairly) many of those areas for myself.

BUT Believe me it was not by choice.

You have to understand when a man goes long enough without a partner of any kind or any physical touch, AND he manages to stay sane 🙂 perhaps to maintain this “sanity” eventually he reaches all areas of discovery to appease the other half he was not so easily born with.

Luckily I finally found an area which solved the not finding a partner problem.

So whereas some men seclude themselves in their misery I just never stopped learning and seeking happiness for myself and to me, that meant being happy alone.

What I’m hoping you’ll take away from all this today, is not necessarily the definition of love every guy will admit, but more of why love can be such a fleeting thing to men.

Whether they are similar to me or not… To love another, they will seek out women who fill in their gaps.

If they confuse “completeness” with “external actions or trades” then they’re more likely to confuse the issue of love with so many other things.

Think of it this way.

If you’re a kind human being where does love fit when you say you would do anything for your mate?

That’s a loaded question for another time but for now we can assume kindness has no barriers. Chivalry or doing the right thing, or protecting those who are close to you because we can not protect those who are far, are things which are human.

Love not withstanding.

It’s my belief today, when you meet a man whose looking for a woman to complete him – you may have problems getting him to love you AND enjoying a fulfilling relationship.

However when you meet a man whose imperfections are not only adorable but are some things you just happen to be good at, you might find it much easier for him to express true love to you.

I understand we’ve covered a lot of stuff today.

I can definitely see how complicated this subject can be – especially for men.

It’s also clear how difficult it can be for men to express an emotion where most are trained from childhood is mainly a feminine role.

And I do hope we’ll get into all that very, very, soon.

Love Ya XOXOXO,

Pete

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11 comments… add one
  • Rhonda

    I loved your article. Please continue to write them. This really helps women to understand men.

    • Peter White

      Thank you Rhonda, Glad it’s helped you. Totally appreciated,

      Pete

  • Laura

    Hi Peter,
    My boyfriend of one year is so afraid to love and commit due to his negative (jaded as he call’s it) experiences. We just spend lot’s of time together as though we are boyfriend and girlfriend. We enjoy each others company, travel and spend all weekends together. We are building a true friendship. Maybe we will become best friends and always count on each other. If love eventually develops over time I guess we will both know. I am patient and not pushing for anything. I guess I could be happy for what we do have.
    Thanks for your email.
    Laura

  • Cindy

    Hi Pete.. Thanks for your wonderful writings..
    It helps me alot to understand men..

    @ Laura: I salute you..
    You are one patient woman..
    It really rings a bell when I read your comment: “If love eventually develops over time I guess we will both know. I am patient and not pushing for anything. I guess I could be happy for what we do have.”
    I had a similar experience as well, but I guess I wasn’t as patient as you..
    So it didn’t turn out well..

    Can I ask your suggestion, how do you enjoy a non-committed relationship and not being pushy?
    Thanks

    • Laura

      We both know what we have in each other! Sometimes if you put a label on something things can change. We both treat each other with respect, never argue or fight, and know we can always count on each other. We are becoming best friends. You have to really like each other as friends before a good relationship can start or at least last. I’ve been in a lot of relationships that haven’t worked out. The way we are both doing it is really working for us and we are both happy.

      • Karen

        Hi, Laura.

        Your relationship sounds good at first, but when you mentioned that you and your guy “never argue or fight,” that raised a red flag in me. I have a feeling you are not completely happy with what you have, but you’re willing to settle for this than not have anything at all. He’s getting all the benefits of a girlfriend from you while you’re still waiting for him to “love and commit” to you, the way a real boyfriend should.

        I hope I’m wrong.

        As a lover and a fighter, I understand that disagreements, fights, and arguments have their uses in any kind of relationship. When a couple disagrees within reason, it means that both of them aren’t always against each other; sometimes, they’re working against themselves to accommodate the other person, and that’s fine. It’s part of the adjustment process, and handled healthily and lovingly, fights can bring a couple closer together. It’s a sign that you are both willing to work through internal and external issues together, even though most of the time you don’t know what to do. And it may also help strengthen your bond with your partner, because not all couples have the will and ability to stick together after overcoming differences.

        When a member of any couple says they never fight or argue, it means that one or both of you may either be hiding key aspects about yourselves enough to avoid rocking the boat. So both of you may be simply coasting along just enough to be comfortable, or maybe even just for the sake of being in a relationship per se, but not necessarily enough to actually fight through your own respective issues for each other.

        Nonetheless, I wish the best for both of you.

        Karen

  • Ini

    I love the way you write however I find this article confusing. Why do I have to make him chase me? What if I love him unconditionally?

    • Peter White

      Thank you Ini.

      Guys need to be challenged to value the relationship or woman more. When they work for something or someone it proves to them several things. They are capable. They are worth it. And they feel more respected and loved back. They feel like a better man for have won you over.

      Just like when something is given to you normally isn’t valued as much as something you worked your ass off for. The concept is the same.

      Value is the benefits times the effort. 🙂

      Pete

  • Taurus

    Hi Pete
    . Once again . ..a Great article ..i had mentioned about a guy who i met recently.He is bit moody but then when he talks he’s wonderful.I felt the attraction is soo strong (it is my first time feeling something like dat soo strong ) between us.We get stuck in each others eyes and i felt it was true . He never texts me , never asks me how was my day and all. I have to initiate conversation. I have to take him fr coffee and lunch .He says he is really shy so…it is not a problem fr me to take him fr lunch and so.But then he said he needs to be alone for lunch n all and that he needs his space first and said aftr that everything comes ( i think he spoke of our relationship) . I was fine with that bcos i dont want a forced relationship and i really wanna give him his space .But miss him soo much and it hurts a lott.We are in the same floor so when we end up facing each other often , i don’t know!!!! …….he justs has a plain look on his face and keeps looking ..its little rude and awkward.so i do the same back and say hi and get on with on my work . One day , I was relaxing myself in the cafeteria with no one around , suddenly he came asked me if i was angry and told me that his workload is too high and all and that i need to understand and before leaving held my hand for few seconds and left .Plzzz help …i really really like him but he keeps himself distant from me and i would like to know wat is going on in his mind !!!

  • Angela

    Relationships should never be so complicated.

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