I’m 22, single and on my way to become a possibly crazy cat lady. And frankly I need to make sure that doesn’t happen. I also am terribly fond of cats and have even decided on the names of about five of my non existent cats so I’m already halfway there. I’m commitment phobic. Well more accurately I’m terrified of the idea of someone being into me. Like I wouldn’t be able to live upto their expectations of me or something I guess. Mostly it boils down to the belief that “Why me? Why not my friend?” It’s not that I’m not attractive, infact many people have mentioned I’m quite pretty. I’m VERY cynical and so I have turned down several guys. But I need to work on my issues before I even attempt a relationship because seriously nobody needs to deal with my crazy and I don’t expect anyone to stick around long enough for me to fix this issue. How do I turn down guys then? I don’t want to hurt them because most of them are my friends and they think I’m this confident gamer nerd but I’m really not. Any advice? Oh and my real short stint in flings have proven that I actively seek out destructive relationships so there’s that. I hope I don’t sound vain though. That’d Suck.
Hey future crazy cat lady, since you’ve already named them… why not go for it. Just don’t name any of them Pete please. 🙂
22 and afraid of a commitment is probably a good thing. Too many people get into big & long relationships way too early which often leads to real long-term problems. The kinds that are much harder to overcome. They can cloud your mind and make it difficult to think for yourself.
So you got that going for you.
Once you hit 28 or so and you still haven’t figured anything out about yourself, then I’d start to worry or just go get first cat. I’m sure one of your close friends would buy your first one for you too. 😀
“…scared of ending up single and alone is something we all share and is completely understandable.” – Scared Of Being Single And Lonely
And another thing – as you might already know – you can still “very” casually date while you’re working on things. Refrain from contacting or going out with the same guy too much and the real guys will get it. Just because you’re dating doesn’t mean you have to go straight to a relationship.
Take your time. Get to know yourself. I think you’re going to like what you find.
Okay, as long as you’re relatively cool about it, you can NOT be concerned with hurting a guy just because you turned them down. That’s their thing. Obviously if you’re rude about it that’s a different story.
Since I’m a guy I tend to know how we think so I’ll let you in on a few secrets.
Do NOT use the “just friends” excuse. We absolutely hate it and it hurts worse than being told we’re ugly. We understand ugly. We don’t understand why some women claim they’re looking for a friend to fall in love with but wouldn’t dare sleep with their closest guy friend who claims to be madly in love with them.
So yeah, just avoid anything which sounds or resembles the “Let’s just be friends.” speech.
Do NOT use the, “I’m not ready for a relationship.” speech either. It often encourages most men to just try harder. They will also despise you secretly when they notice you with some bad ass dude who treats you like shit three weeks later.
You might also want to avoid using the “It’s not you, it’s me.” thing. From a guy’s perspective we’re hearing, “I don’t like something about YOU and I can not get past it.” You’re basically telling us there is something inherently wrong about us and YOU are not willing to overlook this major flaw WE have.
I hope you know this next one BUT I would certainly refrain from telling him what you think is wrong with him. That rejection usually starts with, “I’m sorry but… yeah…you’re too… this… or not enough that…” It’s a mood killer for us. 🙂
Hey you – I wouldn’t know it if I didn’t hear these a few times in my “earlier” years – “Sorry you’re…” Too short, too old, too young, too nice, too needy, too large down there…. Okay I made that LAST one up but I DO know a few guys who have heard that. They couldn’t handle the size and told them exactly how it felt…. Ouch!
This leaves us with very little to work with in rejecting a guy nice or turning them down, doesn’t Alex?
“Most men do NOT look at a beautiful single woman and see a problem. They see an opportunity. One way or another.” – What Guys Think When They Meet An Attractive Woman Who Is Still Single
We haven’t even mentioned how some rejections can actually lead a guy on. He might think you’re playing hard to get or is just plain stubborn. Some will say the now classic Barney phrase from “How I Met Your Mother” — and that’s “CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!”
So yeah, you might want to avoid making it appear like you’re encouraging a guy to try harder. That’s a real tough one, I hear you.
Let’s wrap this up…
How DO you turn down a guy without hurting them or breaking their supposed fragile Ego?
We’ve already ruled out the brutally honest, downright rude, more encouraging, just friends, or “it’s not you, I’m bat-shit crazy” means to a happy single life with no drama which leads us to this…
#2. You can try the old “maybe” routine. Be extremely flaky. Always leave things up in the air. That tends to piss off guys enough for them to stop trying. The anger or loss of faith in you tends to mask the pain and eventually, most men get past it. The better men might eventually bust your ass about it.
It’s a suggestion right? 🙂 Actually it works. Guys do it ALL the time to women, don’t they?
#4. You can always say, “Tell you what… when I find myself, I’m coming looking for you.” then smile big. It’s called misdirection. You’re not giving too much information. You’re not pointing out his flaws. You’re not claiming any kinship reason or encouraging a guy too much.
With #4, and I’m not sure I should be telling you all this – misdirection might the most effective way to reject a guy. Clever women have done it to me and I was never the wiser. Before I knew it she was gone or off my radar and I didn’t feel let down at all.
Exactly HOW “misdirection” can turn down a guy without hurting them is now up and open for discussion below because honestly, I might not have that answer right now. Or do I?
That’s all today Alex. Thanks for asking.