It’s a shame to think we barter or hold back our affection for someone until such time they give us what we want.
It’s extortion, isn’t it? Well maybe it is but perhaps there’s something more to this story.
“I want this from you and if you can not give back the same or more – I’m going to hold back my true emotions.”
There are several ways to consider this “not just for men” problem. Yes, women do it too.
Stay with me as I do my best to explain it all from a guys point of view and then give you a little hint on how to use all this knowledge to better understand guys, and what it takes to gain his complete devotion.
I suppose it can be a fear issue. We don’t want to get hurt again. We close ourselves off to certain experiences which may leave us desperately open to rejection or non-physical harm. Such as being cheated on or left because we may have “accidentally” shared too much.
In a very child-like manner we may even pout or exert rage in an attempt to get our fair share.
Truthfully, this hold-back in my case is mainly passive. I wouldn’t mention it if I didn’t believe most men are non-confrontational with women and will subsequently choose the passive-aggressive stance when they’re involved.
Men go silent for more reasons than having nothing to say. They also do it to avoid making a situation worse. It’s a helpless stage. Like how if everything you do is wrong, why bother doing anything at all.
We’ve been taught relationships are give and take. How you have to compromise the smaller things to look for those big ticket items. Something this little known relationship girl Rori has so eloquently spoken.
But what happens when those larger items needs are left unmet?
What happens when the little things pile up and appear to match in strength the bigger ones?
How many smaller items actually make up one huge thing? You know the one(s) which we refuse to compromise for.
So, we text back quicker. She likes that. We sacrifice a meal or two. We cut our showers short. We keep the seat down. We help with the dishes…
Don’t all those things makes us feel we should at least get something bigger like more time with a loved one or sexual fun or an involvement which makes a difference in both of our lives.
Commitment requires time to be set aside. When the time is not fought for, it makes us (guys) feel like we’re not worth fighting for. We take it personal. As I’m sure you would or do too.
Consider when a man gives you the smaller things he’s looking to gain something bigger. Not because he’s an ass or he’s extorting your love, but because of his refusal to sacrifice being loved and adored happen to be a big part of who he is.
He’s giving you something small because he just might believe that’s what you really want – in order for you to return some love and affection.
But it rarely works, does it? If you’re WITH him you shouldn’t have to beg or ask for anything. He SHOULD just know or do it because he loves you.
If you’re NOT with him it’s almost as if he’s trying to buy you with favors, little trinkets, or bartering, hoping you’ll feel something for him.
How about when a guy won’t give you the smaller stuff and all he cares about is getting something bigger. Perhaps he’s a pain because he forgets sometimes. Maybe he doesn’t call as often as you’d like. Maybe his texts take forever to reach you. Maybe he doesn’t help around the house like you wished he would.
If you feel your man, or just some guy you know is “holding back” and it feels like no matter how many little things you give or get it seems like you’re just beating down a door to an empty room, I’m wiling to bet he’s holding out on those larger ones for one seeming odd hidden reason…
Whereas (cool word huh?) love, affection, and all those bigger ones are kind of clear to us, the little ones vary from man to woman. From man to man. From woman to woman. Fish to fish. Dog to Dog. You’re getting the picture.
Those differences may seem trivial but in comparison and adding it all up – actually contain important building blocks.
They form the foundation of relation and they determine whether or not a guy will hold back from giving, or beg more for taking, or develop secrets in his mind, or is willing to share his heart…
It’s not easy to communicate unwavering love or devotion when we feel one way or another we’re not getting our very personally specific needs met. And within each he believes his items are different than some other guys.
We have to feel specially different in your eyes and no matter how common those smaller things are, you MUST notice them. Sometimes acknowledge them. Appeal to the clever way we look you in the eyes and smile.
Why does it feel some guys hold back – refuse to budge – are hard to open up – seemingly extort for your love – or are never willing to go that extra mile for that special girl?
Simply put, as if I could do that,
Those smaller things YOU feel are being met are not actually the ones HE wants you to embrace.
Now I understand that sounds awful. How I’m saying you’re only seeing what you think he really needs. But that’s just not true.
Here are those big ticket items:
- Great sex.
- Being able to negotiate.
- Emotional safety.
And yes. I agree with her. Probably not entirely but she does have more than a point. She IS the real deal.
However, from a male’s point of view, the little items which make up each one of those are a little different. Taking a step back and looking at the big picture, you may not describe “affection” the same way a guy does.
Being able to negotiate to you may be as simple and profound as being heard or listened to more often. Which is a good thing.
But to him, it could be being able to make a decision without regret or criticism. Not because a blame of badgering but because it makes him feel more free to make a good or bad choice on his own.
It’s my thought today - to truly understand men, and then perhaps have his complete and utter devotion, first of course understand those big ticket items but you must consider how you came to understand your own needs is inherently different than how he comes to his own.
I’m just saying. If you do “that” better than his 1,2,4,8,16 past experiences you’ll understand guys like unfortunately not many women have. And I do suggest you use that to your advantage.
Let me hear about it. What are little things that make up your ultimate needs and desires?
Answer that and I’ll do my best to let you read all the commonalities which make up ours.
Oh And please make sure you leave your name or email or something so I can mail every thought or rambling to you straight from a guy.
I hate sending you someplace else but please, while a man’s silence is fresh on your mind I wrote some earlier stuff at “The Approach” where I get into some different angles or reasons why men go silent and one particularly why they don’t text you back:
- 13 Real Reasons Why A Guy Will Not, Can Not, or Does Not Text You Back
- Why Men Go Silent And Fail To Share Or Communicate How They Feel