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Why Do Guys…?

A Man’s Needs Are Built Differently – Why Men Hold Back Their Love or Appear Silent

in Meeting His Needs, What Guys Want
Men hold back because of fears and some want the big things.

It’s a shame to think we barter or hold back our affection for someone until such time they give us what we want.

It’s extortion, isn’t it? Well maybe it is but perhaps there’s something more to this story.

We exclaim,

“I want this from you and if you can not give back the same or more – I’m going to hold back my true emotions.”

There are several ways to consider this “not just for men” problem. Yes, women do it too.

Stay with me as I do my best to explain it all from a guys point of view and then give you a little hint on how to use all this knowledge to better understand guys, and what it takes to gain his complete devotion.

I suppose it can be a fear issue. We don’t want to get hurt again. We close ourselves off to certain experiences which may leave us desperately open to rejection or non-physical harm. Such as being cheated on or left because we may have “accidentally” shared too much.

In a very child-like manner we may even pout or exert rage in an attempt to get our fair share.

Truthfully, this hold-back in my case is mainly passive. I wouldn’t mention it if I didn’t believe most men are non-confrontational with women and will subsequently choose the passive-aggressive stance when they’re involved.

Men go silent for more reasons than having nothing to say. They also do it to avoid making a situation worse. It’s a helpless stage. Like how if everything you do is wrong, why bother doing anything at all.

We’ve been taught relationships are give and take. How you have to compromise the smaller things to look for those big ticket items. Something this little known relationship girl Rori 🙂 has so eloquently spoken.

But what happens when those larger items needs are left unmet?

What happens when the little things pile up and appear to match in strength the bigger ones?

How many smaller items actually make up one huge thing? You know the one(s) which we refuse to compromise for.

So, we text back quicker. She likes that. We sacrifice a meal or two. We cut our showers short. We keep the seat down. We help with the dishes…

Don’t all those things makes us feel we should at least get something bigger like more time with a loved one or sexual fun or an involvement which makes a difference in both of our lives.

Commitment requires time to be set aside. When the time is not fought for, it makes us (guys) feel like we’re not worth fighting for. We take it personal. As I’m sure you would or do too.

Consider when a man gives you the smaller things he’s looking to gain something bigger. Not because he’s an ass or he’s extorting your love, but because of his refusal to sacrifice being loved and adored happen to be a big part of who he is.

He’s giving you something small because he just might believe that’s what you really want – in order for you to return some love and affection.

But it rarely works, does it? If you’re WITH him you shouldn’t have to beg or ask for anything. He SHOULD just know or do it because he loves you.

If you’re NOT with him it’s almost as if he’s trying to buy you with favors, little trinkets, or bartering, hoping you’ll feel something for him.

How about when a guy won’t give you the smaller stuff and all he cares about is getting something bigger. Perhaps he’s a pain because he forgets sometimes. Maybe he doesn’t call as often as you’d like. Maybe his texts take forever to reach you. Maybe he doesn’t help around the house like you wished he would.

If you feel your man, or just some guy you know is “holding back” and it feels like no matter how many little things you give or get it seems like you’re just beating down a door to an empty room, I’m wiling to bet he’s holding out on those larger ones for one seeming odd hidden reason…

Whereas (cool word huh?) love, affection, and all those bigger ones are kind of clear to us, the little ones vary from man to woman. From man to man. From woman to woman. Fish to fish. Dog to Dog. You’re getting the picture. 🙂

Those differences may seem trivial but in comparison and adding it all up – actually contain important building blocks.

They form the foundation of relation and they determine whether or not a guy will hold back from giving, or beg more for taking, or develop secrets in his mind, or is willing to share his heart…

It’s not easy to communicate unwavering love or devotion when we feel one way or another we’re not getting our very personally specific needs met. And within each he believes his items are different than some other guys.

We have to feel specially different in your eyes and no matter how common those smaller things are, you MUST notice them. Sometimes acknowledge them. Appeal to the clever way we look you in the eyes and smile.

Why does it feel some guys hold back – refuse to budge – are hard to open up – seemingly extort for your love – or are never willing to go that extra mile for that special girl?


Simply put, as if I could do that, 😉

Those smaller things YOU feel are being met are not actually the ones HE wants you to embrace.

Now I understand that sounds awful. How I’m saying you’re only seeing what you think he really needs. But that’s just not true.

Here are those big ticket items:

  • Affection.
  • Great sex.
  • Harmony.
  • Being able to negotiate.
  • Fun.
  • Peace.
  • Trust.
  • Emotional safety.

Stop Overfunctioning and Get The Love and Relationship You Do Deserve

And yes. I agree with her. Probably not entirely but she does have more than a point. She IS the real deal.

However, from a male’s point of view, the little items which make up each one of those are a little different. Taking a step back and looking at the big picture, you may not describe “affection” the same way a guy does.

Being able to negotiate to you may be as simple and profound as being heard or listened to more often. Which is a good thing.

But to him, it could be being able to make a decision without regret or criticism. Not because a blame of badgering but because it makes him feel more free to make a good or bad choice on his own.

It’s my thought today – to truly understand men, and then perhaps have his complete and utter devotion, first of course understand those big ticket items but you must consider how you came to understand your own needs is inherently different than how he comes to his own.

I’m just saying. If you do “that” better than his 1,2,4,8,16 past experiences you’ll understand guys like unfortunately not many women have. And I do suggest you use that to your advantage. 😉

Let me hear about it. What are little things that make up your ultimate needs and desires?

Answer that and I’ll do my best to let you read all the commonalities which make up ours.

Oh And please make sure you leave your name or email or something so I can mail every thought or rambling to you straight from a guy.

I hate sending you someplace else but please, while a man’s silence is fresh on your mind I wrote some earlier stuff at “The Approach” where I get into some different angles or reasons why men go silent and one particularly why they don’t text you back:



Peter White. Just some guy every woman should get to know because, well I “think” like a guy. 🙂 Stay in touchnewsletter, Why Do Guys Facebook – Twitter @peterwhite125Thanks for stopping by and be good, be bad, just BE something.

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15 comments… add one
  • Lopamudra Mukherjee

    He is giving me a silent treatment after a tiff.Its been nearly 2 months.In our 5 yrs affair this is 3rd time he is doing this…giving silent treatment more than a month.He is 45 & I am 39.He is a very busy man & highly successful too.He is a man who never shows emotions but I know he has a special soft corner for me.Thats why inspite of all odds ,differences & fights we resolve it.He also makes amends when I am pissed but never says sorry.But when he gets extremely annoyed with something silly or irritating I do,he shuts me off from every angle.He has blocked me in all social networking site & so did I in return.But now its been 2 months…Kindly tell me how to go about it further.

    • cmor

      Move on. Too much game playing at your ages! Geez, sounds like high school.

  • Penny

    We are 10 months in and when he’s giving me the silent treatment, its because he’s upset about something and it doesn’t last long. He is a straight shooter, so he won’t respond and I know he’s upset. Its usually because of work situations, stress, or rarely myself. He’ll update me later, so I wait.
    He tells me why he didn’t respond or call and I let him be. I won’t call him and I let him cool off. He always comes back to me and there are no criticisms. Why criticize or argue? I know well ahead of time if I’m wrong and if its work related, well everyone needs time to cool off.
    I absolutely let him be the man, express himself in his manly ways (with respect towards me) and I’m the oh so charming woman that doesn’t challenge him. You see ladies, you can be ahead of the game all the time. Our femininity can rule the rooster and you can set the bar from the get go.
    As for the previous comments on Mr. Successful, he can be successful on his own and by himself. He doesn’t qualify for your company because of that prolonged silent treatment. He’s got you on a string and he pulls it and you come along. tsk tsk…You need to set that standard of respect (if you in fact want respect)and boundaries of how you will be treated. Believe me, it took me a lot of weeding to find my guy. He’s absolutely the dominant man, but I am a dominant woman in my “round about” ways. I love his manliness and he treats me like a (well respected) woman. I rejected so many and I continue to uphold my reasonable standards. Its not that hard, find one that qualifies on how he treats you and build a foundation from there.

  • Shasta

    OK, I have a question, I’ve run into this a number of times. One very recently so I’ll use him as my example. I met a great guy, we get along well, tons in common, conversation is amazing, we seem to think alike on a lot of things. He was inviting me to spend time with him…..we would listen to music or just talk, enjoying each other’s company. I had him over two weeks ago, same thing but add some snuggling and just a wonderful evening. No disagreements, no conflicting opinions on anything, very relaxed, everything was positive, relaxing, fun. And not a peep from him since. Nothing. If I didn’t know any better I’d say his phone vanished or he died. Why do men do this when, for all intents and purposes, everything is going well, you’re getting to know each other, and he is the one suggesting future dates and saying that he’s looking forward to next time soon? I know that only he can answer that but if anyone has any ideas or speculations on the matter, please enlighten me because I’m seriously stumped. I’ve had this happen in the past, and other friends have too. Meet a guy, they seem into you, the friendship really “clicks”, he’s expressing enthusiasm for future dates, you’re agreeing and equally as interested and then he’s gone. And I want to state that these men are single, I have no reason to believe they’re players or have other relationships they are currently involved in. My guess is emotional fear. Or maybe they are all getting hit by lightning or a speeding bus? **sigh**

    • Peter White

      Hello Shasta,

      Since lightning is very rare, I’d say it WAS the speeding bus theory OR since it’s now been proven that more people die from Selfie accidents than shark attacks, maybe he was taking a selfie for you and oops… the bus smacked him out cold and is in a coma. Sad story but maybe someday he’ll wake up and remember to let you in on his strange disappearance.

      Okay, seriously… I doubt it’s emotional fear because that usually comes later.

      Chances are a few things happened. He met someone else who does it more for him or, you said, “No disagreements, no conflicting opinions on anything, very relaxed, everything was positive, relaxing, fun.” Which seems great on the surface but with no tension or real challenge, some guys just lose interest or put their efforts into someone who makes them work harder for all that stuff.

      It’s been made clear to me that having tons in common, even great conversations and thinking alike are just not enough to engage a gut-level attraction. There needs to be friction. No necessarily bad friction, just something which changes the dynamics from friendship to romance and sexual chemistry.

      Some have even suggested that men NEED drama to be pushed into actually following through with their words. Rather than sell you on that idea even though it actually makes sense, you can watch their video here The Drama Method and/or I posted two of their articles at The Approach you can read: The Most Twisted Secret About The Male Reptilian Brain AND… Men Agree – This Technique Makes Them Fall In Love Hard & Fast

      I will warn you though, the drama method is mainly about words and saying and hypnotic affects and I have not seriously considered or researched the “technique” myself. Use at your own discretion please.


      He probably found you were more of a friend than a sexual partner. That’s my guess especially if it happens a lot.

      Another thing to note is “enthusiasm” is not enough. For a man to act he needs more than just telling you he’s excited. He needs a real reason to court, woo, or even chase you.

      Men often find themselves chasing their greatest challenge for many reasons and just connecting is normally not enough. Think alike is not enough either.

      Again, without a real challenge, a little friction or even a difference of opinion on certain things, some guy just don’t find the energy or need to chase.

      Don’t get me wrong. There ARE lots of guys who look for exactly what you’re describing and if you feel you’re doing enough, then keep going until you meet that type of guy. I doubt he will disappear but you might not be all that interested in him. Attraction is a very strange “game” sometimes. 🙂

      Thanks for writing. I enjoyed answering your question and I do hope I’ve cleared it up for you at least a little,


      p.s. Be wary of guys who take too many selfies. It’s a dangerous thing these days.

      • Shasta Michaels

        Yeah, I can see what you mean about the friction with some men, and I totally agree, some people just need that little bit of “drama” for lack of better term. But since he’s such a mellow peace lover and hates drama, I dunno. Nothing makes sense with this. The only thing I can figure out is that he started feeling emotions, got scared, and ran, I have had that happen in the past. Guess only he can really answer the reason for his silence, which either will happen or it won’t. All I know is that this has saddened me beyond words.

        And I do agree with the type who take too may selfies…..I steer clear of those guys.

        • Shasta Michaels

          Hi Again,
          I just wanted to leave a follow up comment on this question. I heard from Mr.Man after three weeks of silence. He’s the type to go off the radar if he has some overwhelming problems. He and I are totally cool, he’s into me. But since we aren’t in a relationship and this is all still kind of new, he just doesn’t want me (or anyone) to see him at a low point. He did this one other time very early on in the friendship and I have no reason to believe he’s lying. His face tells everything, he’s quite transparent that way, and it’s one of the things I love most about him. He’s an honest man. We talked quite a bit, he really opened up, and then spent some time together just watching really dumb stuff on YouTube and laughing until our sides hurt! Anyway, I understand how his head works a bit better and he said that next time he knows he’s going to shut down, he will communicate that to me so I won’t worry, he’s not used to having friends worry about him! So sometimes typical behaviors/reasons don’t apply. Anyway, thanks for the input on the question!

  • Dani

    Hi Pete:

    Here are the facts… and please I apologize in advance for my future grammar errors… I am not an English native speaker.

    1) We met thanks to Tinder (the second time I have done this)
    2) He first started the conversation and I followed him back the next days. The second day he texted me on wassap very early in the morning, before going to work… I was sleeping, bit late to work and then luckily I got day off and he was very happy about it… He told me he was at work so I told him he can do his business (in a very nice way)… he asked me tot to do it, saying he was his own boss so he could be with me all day chatting…. we chatted a lot and I loved it. Every thing of me he seemed to like it, Same from my side. Even I deleted my Tinder account and stop texting back other guys, I told him and he was very happy about it. He told me he was in the same situation.
    3) sometimes he didn’t reply in the whole day, I know he is a busy guy, but I also saw him playing online on facebook, or online on wasap…. so I got pissed…. next morning didn’t talk to him, didn’t reply… just applying the same treatment…. And he started to text that he sorry, he was worried, please don’t leave me because I haven’t been available… etc. One day we agreed to meet (even when I gave him the idea) but he didn’t show up, didn’t text to say he was not going to…. but again he was there online on wasap not replying to me…. but reading….. next day I texted him that At least a bit of respect was needed, that he didn’t even care about… a nd that was it. He apologized and said his problem it was he was very afraid of rejection, that he was been hurt before and he knew he screwed up with me…. but he was very sorry. He confessed me he has a small penis…. we talked about it during the day, What ever I said, it seemed that made him feel better…. we agreed to meet again, this time I said I am going to you…. and I did…. we met, we talked for hours, we laughed…. we cuddled…. he drove me home…. next day he was a sweet boy again. So do I.
    4) One day at my place we tried to have sex, everything was going well, but then when the condom was on, his friend didn’t want to cooperate, and Understood, I knew it might happen (is not that small, is just about he perceive himself)… so we did other sexual stuffs…. next day he said he felt very embarrassed, but that I actually helped him a lot. all we needed -he said- it was feeling more comfortable.
    5) we kept texting, talking about future…. after my trip for holidays which was already booked….. we kept talking about next time we’ll see, how much he missed me, how much he liked me…. me too….. but he was every day more and more busy to me…. but was always a very cheese texting relationship…. a lot of beautiful words, nice promises, kisses, misses and everything a girl want to hear or read. One night we played a lot on bed…. but I didn’t want to press him… it was a very good night, he dropped me at the station next morning and kept texting cheesy messages each other, sending selfies, hearts and kisses.
    6) I told him next week was going to be my bday and even when I was going to work all day till night I was hoping he could make some time for me next day of my bday… he said “I will try my sweetie”
    then I sent him a picture of a little white board I bought where I wrote the day we met with a heart…. after that text… he didnt reply again….. of course I didn’t even receive a Happy birthday…..

    7) before this happened… I asked him if I was doing something wrong, and what i was doing well…. I wanted to know maybe I am going too fast, maybe I am going too slow…. we seemed to be going at the same speed. But his behavior of been more busy didn’t tell me the same.

    after 4 days of silence i saw my self walking to his place (we live very close) and waited for him before leaving to work… when he saw me, he seemed upset but he was very gentle, he offered to drive me home (his father was with us on the car), he left me on my door. he said he will text me soon and that he will go to see me within the next 2 days… … he said he will explain to me why he was been so quiet…. but it was not a Girlfriend or anything I was thinking….. after that car-conversation… he never came, he never text…..

    From all the things he told me during a month of pseudo-relationship…. he said he wanted a relationship, he was not playing with me, he was not going to hurt me, he missed me everyday, he wanted to text me every minute but was busy, he was happy he met me…. that after our first night together it was more easy to him to be with me…. he also said he still embarrassed for some facts and it was difficult to him to look at my eyes. he said I was too cute, too good to him, he said many things… so I don’t understand what ever happened. why put me on hold if he told me I was doing anything wrong.


    • Sarah Lund

      Some man who is just a friend, treat me exactly the same. I’m not so sure we need friends like that. What sort of person treats ANY friend like this? I think he must have thought that just because I’m younger than him, he could get away with it. I don’t think he wants me in his life for the rest of his life, because of things he’s said to me, and the way he’s treat me. Sometimes he was nice to me, but not always. That has really given me food for thought. I keep trying to understand why he would say such intimate things and sentimental things to me. The kind of things any man would say to a woman when left alone in a room together. I can’t help but feel robbed of hope by his empty promises. Mind you, as precaution, there are slightly mirroring actions of the beginning of emotional abuse. If you’ve been through that sort of abuse once, then you can easily spot it, if another man does it to you. Sad to say. I shouldn’t have to pick up the pieces of how his ex wife treat him. That was HER doing. And quite frankly, I’m actually sick of hearing about her. Lol.

  • Nadine

    How refreshing! I was seeing a guy regularly. Admittedly it was a bit physical based. But I had some deep messages such as: I will try my best to make you happy. Then I got a bit scared as I started having feelings and called it off a few drunken times! I think deep down I was testing as I am separated but living with an ex. Not a great start! However he went quiet initially when he found out I had children. Then he text but now he’s not texting at all. I just think it’s rude and its a bit mind bending to be left wondering. So today I text to conclude, saying I wasn’t good with open endings as he had decided not to talk to me anymore. I said I had enjoyed our time together.
    I guess I took the drama/friction thing too far. Guys please just say you’re not interested as it puts us on hold and racks our minds! Any advice would be appreciated.

  • Sarah Lund

    I’d rather a man told me that he doesn’t want to be with me anymore, than give me silent treatment. I actually find silent treatment very rude and off-putting. Don’t make someone wait. Eventually, the lover recieving the silent treatment, might just decide to look for a different lover who will communicate more openly. Some women don’t have good experience around shy men. No disrespect but it’s true. How are we meant to know why they’re being so quiet with us? I actually thought I’d done something terrible to the man I was with, when he did this. I could only stand it for so long, then I told him that I must be wasting my time, if he won’t tell me why he isn’t talking. Enough is enough. It can really hurt our feelings. I don’t do hot and cold types.

  • cmor

    I tried reading this, but it rambled on and I just couldn’t get the jest of it. Too much rambling, not enough to the point.

    • Peter White

      Oh well, I can’t reach everyone. I’m sure I’ll get over it. 🙂 Thanks for stopping by though,


  • Deb

    Well here goes, short and tall of it .. I’m 49, boyfriend 47, I was upset with him and sent him several drunken text. Made a comment about our ‘love making’ ouch!!! Which I had actually told him whilst sober, about changing things up a bit. Anyhow, I apologized, more than once. Sent him a rose etc … we text, we call, a few words have been exchanged actually discussing what I text.

    Now he’s holding back on total affection … no kisses, no hand holding, no arm across the small of my back… you get it. NADA!! It’s been two weeks now and it feels as awkward as heck. We went from ‘I love you’ and complete full on affection to .. NADA!!!

    Part of me wishes he’d just end it … or I’m questioning if I should take the initiative to do that … I’ve NEVER dealt with this kind of situation before. HELP!!! 🙂

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