Are all men inherently afraid of committing to one woman?
There are tons of sides to this question.
One side will tell you if you are having trouble getting a man, or men in general to commit then you’re doing something wrong. Either you’re picking the wrong guys or you’re not making it easy on them to “make the plunge.”
The other side may tell you it’s in a man’s best instinctual interest to have many partners. We’re kind of designed this way and it only makes good “procreational” sense to spread our masculinity. In other words – “Get used to it.”
One group will then tell you to never commit unless you’re absolutely positive. Keep your options open and varied. Take you time. Make sure there’s little doubt before you enter any relationship. Complete yourself first before you enter a relationship.
Of course I do agree with that last statement but there’s still my complete side to this whole “fear of commitment” men supposedly display.
And here it is…
I want the best of the best and honestly I’ve found that scares the shit out of a lot of women. Unless I’m very smart with my approach to (us) it can easily be seen as blind arrogance.
But I didn’t learn that attitude because I’m some superior male. I wish that were the case.
Nope it was because I was so terrible with women I remained single for years and years and years.
And let me tell you – man or woman – you either end up very bitter, very secluded, or extremely independent. Not to mention weary of the responsibility of a family relationship.
Most of us jump from stage to stage and if we’re lucky enough come out strong and learn to enjoy the certain freedoms granted to the single life.
My sides sees it as a breakdown of what is involved:
- Commitment is responsibility.
- Being exclusive is not tough – unless there’s nothing going on sexually.
- There is risk involved – Will she stray? Will I be good enough? What if it doesn’t work out? What if she reveals my inner secrets?
- A loss of independence. Feeling trapped.
Those four items combine to give you a unique view on whether a man is afraid to commit, unsure, not ready for a relationship, or a terrible choice to try and change.
Consider a man who hates responsibility. He might condition himself, or learn to give a little more while in a relationship but we must admit – if you can not rely him while you’re just dating, chances are he will either not commit or eventually leave.
For him it could be fear of growing up or he needs to find himself or he’s lazy and uninspired from his life.
Consider a man who either has sex often with many partners or very rarely with a few women. He lives on the edge. Will he risk the opportunity if he commits. Is he just settling for you and so isn’t driven to a relationship.
For them the fear becomes a loss of intimacy or opportunities for intimacy disappear completely. Put simply – a man who “has gotten very little” may never feel ready – just in case. And the guy who’s “getting it all” may fear giving all that up.
The risk ALL men face is not being good enough. Being a competent mate. Raising a strong family. Failing at the simple task of communication. Being cheated on. And yes – having his dirty secrets revealed to the world in a bad break up.
A relationship to a man can easily become a direct and public mark on him. How others will see him will now depend on two people and his responsibility to do at least something right and contributes to the world.
This is where the father issues play their role. Either they cause him to step up – or fall away – or disappear emotionally – seclude to employment – base his entire existence outwardly – or by showing resolve, become on heel of a great father proving worth to himself. Anything goes…
No animal likes being trapped. Men are no different.
The independent “full featured man” may NEVER feel the desire to marry. His world feels complete because he does enjoy intimacy. He likes making decisions that only directly impact himself. Sure he may lead others in management but he understands that’s part of the job.
For him, any feeling like he will have to give up his “independent self” feels like a huge risk. Unfortunately the rewards, which may cause him to change his ind, might have to outweigh the risk. The right woman CAN do this but he also must not see her as a reward or trophy for the relationship to work out.
The less independent guy. The one who may not feel complete unless he has the love of a woman he truly connects with, he already feels trapped.
The fear of commitment comes from the risk of leaving complacency. Which was his tool of coping with being alone. He may always feel inadequate and more inclined to steer away from a relationships or doom it to fail UNLESS he gives up the dominant role to her. Which some women will take and some will do just enough to push him to commit.
Over time if his esteem goes up a new fear arises. Now he’s trapped IN a relationship and has changed on the inside. Thus leaving him in a world he feels helpless in.
I suppose I’ve only touched the surface of this enormous question about guys.
But I did prove something at least to myself. 😀
Maybe this all came out a little negative. Maybe it doesn’t make sense unless you read it a few times or really start to break down the main areas.
Or just maybe… I’ve stumbled upon the ultimate answer whether men are really afraid of commitment or not.
Based on my thoughts, my results, my experience and experiments 😉 I can honestly come to the conclusion that:
“…Of course men are scared shitless of commitment and they have every reason to be that way.”
However – I must say – we never covered just how many men get past all of it and meet the type of women who makes it all go away – by just being her cool self.